This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
"Call me if you need anything."
"Oh yes, thank you, I will."
"Yes, you won't."
I am correct. She won't. But that's not the point.
You are correct. She's lonely because she won't allow you to arrange t.v. dates with people who have got time to sit and watch telly with her all day. But that's not the point.
I can't stop myself doing it, either. Guess we're just letting off a little harmless steam? Nod and smile, nod and smile would be better - but a girl's only got so much sweetie-pie about her, I find. Sigh.
For the most part life is starting to become a little more normal. I'm still quite lost though. When you spend that much time focused on one person, and that person is no longer here... you kind of lose who you are. That's where I am.
I'm trying to do things that make me happy... but I'm still not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life. :) I'm sure I'll figure it out sooner or later.
Dirtboy... enjoy the good times while you can... don't feel too guilty about getting angry... anger is a natural reaction... it is often how we deal with the stress of the situation.
Book... I'm glad the memorial anniversary went well...
I'm sorry I'm not on very often any more. I miss every one of you. Trying to build my Tupperware business has taken more time than I thought it would. I'm also trying to learn how to use the new quilting machine. (I can't remember if I told you guys about it or not)... Mother even approved the purchase... that was important to me, as it was her life insurance that paid for it... :) While I was looking at it, I heard her voice, plain as day, telling me this was the right machine! So... I bought it!
Have a GREAT day everyone!
I've also gotten back into my houseplants. Not too many, mostly edible herbs. And my little lemon tree has a tiny lemon on it! I did plant some catnip in a container and the cats are going nuts over it, pushing their noses into it constantly, chewing on it...if it was on the ground they'd probably be rolling around in it. It's hilarious! I hope the little guy survives to get bigger through all this attention. lol
But yeah...the rest of my life. That seems to be a problem atm. :/
I'm glad you got the quilting machine...with that kind of advice, you know you made the right purchase! Love it! I hope you have a lot of fun with that. My mom used to make quilts by hand. I've got 3-4 beautiful ones that she made. I never had the patience for it though...
Book, yeah, that feast sounded good! Made me want to do some fried chicken... I'm glad your brother's visit is going well, too...
Hi Dirtboy, welcome to AC.
Red, if MIL no longer knows that she’s already up, maybe she will no longer remember to blow that whistle.
Assandy, I agree with Glad. I used to give dad a yes or no option when I really wanted him to say yes. Once he says no, it’s a no. I learned from watching Teepa Snow and others here on AC, to don’t give them that option. Stick to one or 2 options. Most times, dad would choose option 3 – which I did Not present. – So, what happened???
Hi Laura. Glad that your Tupperware business is still going strong.
A little funny story…. as I mentioned before, when it’s time to change his shirt, when I tell him to bend his arm, he straightens it. Well, he’s still doing that. A few days ago, when I tried to fix the pillow behind his back, I told him to sit up. He tried to sit up by pulling with his right hand on the railing. While he was trying to pull himself up, Both of his legs flew up in the air. So, when he pulled himself up, his legs were still up. Because he’s no longer using his legs to anchor him, he fell back on his back, with his legs still up in the air. I told him that he needs to sit up. So he used his arm to pull him up, with his legs still dangling up in the air, he gets himself in seating position…but because his legs are still dangling up, he slams right back down to me. I started giggling so hard. He tried to get himself back up and I had to tell him to stop and to put his feet back down on the bed. Once I was done laughing, I told him to keep his feet down on the bed when he’s going to sit up. Yep, that finally did the trick.
Sometimes, yes, I would tell my mom to bend her arm and she'd straighten it instead, or visa versa. I would ask her to lean over one way and she'd lean over the other. Sometimes you just have to have a good laugh or go nuts. At least we still can laugh, thank God.. :)
I agree with SA, it sounds like boils. I have had them myself, they are very painful. Once you use the warm cloth, as warm as he can stand, you may be able to drain it yourself. But be careful, stand back, because when it is opened, the pressure release is something like a fire hydrant being opened. Did this for my ex once, OMG! Gross, stinks, stuff launched in the air and ended up in my hair.:-O
I think it would be a great idea for your dad to wear a hospital type gown, or at least clothes several sizes too big. The last couple years with my mom I just found that if I bought her clothes a size or two too large, it really was a big help as far as keeping her skin clean and dry went. And larger clothing was just easier to get on and off at that point, too. My mom liked to cover up with a blanket, too, even though the house was plenty warm. With clothes a couple sizes too big she didn't sweat as much and air could circulate much better, even under the blanket. I'd at least think about getting your dad a few BIG oversize shirts if he doesn't have any at the moment. It might help and might be something he'd be willing to wear without too much hassle if he doesn't go for the hospital gown...which are a godsend. But still, my mom didn't like them and didn't want to wear them. Whatever works, right? lol
The swallowing and refusing ice cream are signs of the beginning of the shut down. Her breathing will also change; I will be praying for you all, as I've gone through this and it can be a long time, or as in our case, a little over 3 months. I encourage you to lean on the Hospice team, as they will help you keep her comfortable to the end. Blessings and ooo's and xxx's.
Book... sure sounds like boils to me. I've missed you greatly my friend. It sounds as if your father isn't fighting you as much as he was before. For that I am thankful. You are a good daughter.
Have a GREAT evening!