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Prayers for you Red and your family.... this is the hard part... and no, we are never really prepared to say goodbye.... you are in my heart..... and give your hubby a big hug from all of us...
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Red, we're here for you. If you feel the need to update us on MIL's condition, we will be with you every step of the way. When we were struggling to get mom hospice service, I turned to here for encouragement or to express my thoughts (that I would never do with my siblings.) You, MIL and your hubby will be in my thoughts. {{Hugs}}
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Last year in June, when father ended up in the hospital because his left lung was almost filled with fluid, he left the hospital refusing any more xrays to find where the fluid was coming from. He is now coughing that heavy cough and spitting out phlegm. Here we go again.... I'm already warning my siblings here that we need to prepare for another bout of pneumonia. He won't go to the clinic unless he's forced to - like the last time....when he can no longer breathe because it's too painful.

He's forgetting my name. I'm "girl". Most of the time, he calls oldest sis name. He's forgetting that he just ate and wants to eat again. I tried distraction, I tried giving him his other favorites but... he wanted his nutrient drink. Those drinks are so expensive. 1 case (24 count) cost $66.00. And he's gaining weight. We're struggling now with his turning but... soon , sis will have to be helping me with him. Have to go. Time to feed him.
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Reddog and Book, I'm really sorry for both of you guys, and your charges.

This was a very sad time for me personally. It's never easy having to watch someone start to die, or to decline and suffer for it.. It's... heavy. I hope you guys take the time to get some rest when you can. And yeah, Hospice is great. It helps knowing you're not having to face such a difficult time alone.

And never take anything for granted. I don't know how many times I thought to myself, 'She's not going to survive this, there's no way....' but she did. The elderly can, and do, bounce back from so many really critical health issues that come up. When I think about it, it's pretty amazing...

Glad, grudges don't hurt the deceased. I hope your sister doesn't allow another 40 years to go by feeling the weight of them...

Hope everyone has a great day.

Glad, grudges don't hurt the deceased.
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Oops, I should proof read before I hit send! Well, I guess that was worth repeating.
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Thanks, SA. When these old resentments came out from our third party last week, my jaw must have hit the floor! For 2.5 years now sis has been blaming me for her complete and utter lack of interest in mom. I always suspected something in this counselor sister of mine kept her out of the picture, but to finally hear it is solely her dysfunctional mind was such a surprise!
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Reddog we're here for you.. I hope hospice helps to keep her comfortable. They were a god send for my MIL..
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I just spent 30 minutes googling Puddles the sad clown. While changing dad's pampers, I saw him sing on CNN. The song Royal sounded soooo familiar. I wanted to hear the original singer and then HIS version of the song ...of course in his version as a sad clown. I got distracted and clicked several of his rendition of other songs.

First, I watched in YouTube the original song "Royal" by Lorde. I love those female voices sing the chorus line. Then, I went to watch Puddles rendition - choosing the YouTube video with two women in black clothing and Puddles the Tall white clown. I like his version best!!! ..... Google: Puddles Pity Party Royal

FYI, since you already have the google opened to him, also click on his rendition of : "That'll be the Day." I laughed on that one.
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Glad as you know this is the hardest part of caregiving and everyone has you in their thoughts and prayers. At this time check to see which medications are essential and ask if you can stop things like statins and B/P meds, they no longer matter. Pain and anxiety are the things to control. Diuretics may no longer control the terminal secretions but are worth continuing. Morphine may be given to stop her feeling the shortness of breath. Sometimes the sounds of the struggling breathing can be quietened by turning the patient on their side. Many hugs to you and hopes that MIL passes soon and peacefully.Blessings
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Book... I spent a LOT of time distracting mother because she forgot she had just eaten... sometimes (even though it makes us feel guilty)... its just best to leave the room... If we aren't in close proximity, they forget the things they INSIST they need... :P... and if he's yelling into the other room for you... go outside... spring is in the air! :)

Glad... I'm sorry your sister is blaming you for HER shortcomings! I've heard it all! My brother blamed me for him not coming to see mother. It was because I had it all under control and didn't need him! HAH! I asked... nay I BEGGED him to come sit with her occasionally so I could work... out of a week... he came ONCE! Guess that was my fault too... :P

Red... This will be the hardest thing you do in your life. My thoughts are with you.

I hope all of you have a GREAT evening!
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Laura, thank you, there are so many siblings this way. I also think by placing blame on us it gives them a certain amount of satisfaction because they think they will somehow not be held accountable. Blaming me didn't work, I'm much stronger than that so pick on the weak one that would not understand any of this if she knew it or wouldn't remember if she was told anything about it. They are absolutely unbelieveable. As long as they can blame someone, or something else they do not need to feel guilty about their selfishness and narcissistic behavior. Just make it about them and their problems.
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Glad - I hope your sister comes around. My brother feels really guilty right now because he was not there for our mom. He said that he did the best he could which was BS. SInce I was there he did not bother with her. I do know that he really regrets it. Take care of YOU!!!
Red - You are in my thoughts and prayers as you are going through this. Just know that we are all here for you. It is the hardest part. take care of YOU!!!
Book - I hope your father will become more cooperative with you. Take care of YOU!!!!

Hi there everyone - Spring is here. I hope everyone else is getting better weather. I attended a crawfish festival today and had a great time. I purposely left my phone at my friends house when we went because I had spent over three years tied to my phone in case my mom needed me. Before we left for the fest I called my brother that I would be gone for the day. Yesterday we had the first potential buyer go through the house. These people want to see the house again tomorrow. My bro is not paying his share of the bills for the house. Everytime I talk to him he tells me how much money he owes. Well that is not my fault. He and his wifey go out to eat twice a week. I told him that he needed to help me pay the home insurance. He complained the whole conversation. I am keeping track of what I pay for everything. The resentment is building again. My problems seem so small for what you all are going through. Please take care of yourselves.
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Thank God for spring! We've had so much rain lately. I'm ready for some warm, sunny days at last!

Lav, glad you're getting out and about! Don't blame you about the cell phone!

God, I wish I could go out and enjoy it. A friend of mine, Odetta, asked me to go to a hockey game with a bunch of her co-workers. The thought of being surrounded by strangers, required to make endless, polite conversation and small talk... **twitch** No. No can do. I couldn't pretend to be perky and bubbly...which isn't me to begin with and takes work to fake it...lol....if my life depended on it right now.

My neighbor wants me to go to church today. I told her I would, but I'm not. I intended to go, yesterday. But this morning the thought of being around the masses just raises my anxiety level. It's not that I'm avoiding God, I'm just avoiding people in general. God I can handle. People in their hundreds I can't.

I used to think I'd be a lot less stressed when my mom was gone and in a way that's very true. On some levels, I AM a lot less stressed. But I have an entire host of new issues to deal with, mostly the fallout of being in the care giver role so long, the white hot burn of the pain of so much anger and hate...and regret... for so many years with my mom, so many suppressed emotions demanding attention....trying to act 'normal' around others when I feel like a full blown loon just isn't possible anymore. How the hell do you explain that to people?

You don't. So, I just tend to disappear and avoid everyone...or at least, avoid pressure :/
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SA its ok if you are quiet..... no doubt someone who likes to talk alot will enjoy that! I hope you have a good day.
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We have a 115 lb St. Bernard/ Golden mix. His routine is he will come up on bed at night and lay his head on me while I scratch his head. After 10 minutes he usually jumps down and sleeps on his blanket (Thank goodness as he's huge!) Last night, I had a facial mask on. It is a prepackaged white paper- like mask with holes in where the eyes, nose and mouth would be. When he jumped up on the bed to get his loving.... he looked at me with a horrified look on his face....came over sniffed the facial mask and abruptly turned around and jumped off the bed! It was so funny! Poor baby!
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Norest...LMAO! I just had this image of the dogs face pop into my mind... I love it! XD

Anyone heard of a Caucasian Shepherd? I'm thinking of getting one. I'd like to have a dog for protection. I just don't know if I'm ready for all the time and training at this point. Too much on my plate already. But I do miss having a big dog around... Maybe down the road.
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norest, I had a Newfoundland/Lab mix dog that was 150 lbs. and he liked to cuddle! I don't think he ever realized he wasn't a little puppy anymore. Sure miss the big guy and it's been 17 years since he died. I've lost two other dogs and two cats in that timeframe. Life sure does go fast.

You had me LOL about the face mask. My little Jack Russell would probably bark himself silly if I wore one. For now, he just tolerates me plucking my chin hairs. :) What's up with those darn things??? Dread the day I'm blind and they grow a foot long! Might have to pay the neighbor girl to keep me beard free. LOL

SA, a dog might be just the thing for you right now, even if you think it might be too much. They ask for so little compared to the love and comfort they give, pure unrequited love. It might do your poor, beat up heart some good. I mean that in a good way, I hope you know. I think you would make a fantastic mom for a little pup. Take my 2 cents as you will. :)
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SA, like windy said. A dog may be just the ticket for you! We adopted a 6 year old golden retriever from Golden Retriever Rescue last July. What a blessing that dog has been for all of us! And adopting an older dog of the mellow, friendly variety has been wonderful for all of us. We never would have thought about a puppy, too many training issues than with an older dog. Then when the older dog, that will provide hours of companionship and comfort, settles in, then think whether you want to consider adding a puppy to the mix.

Check out Foothills Golden Retriever Rescue, they are also looking for foster placements. You could try before you make the commitment. They have some nice looking dogs on their website.
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SA, Read about Caucasian shepherd, may attack your sons when they get obnoxious. But then maybe it would help straighten them out.
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Caucasian Shepherds go to 200lbs. Unless you are home all day with a dog this size, you may find large upholstered furniture reduced to mulch.
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So true Pstegman...I have a picture somewhere of our great dane laying in the middle of what looked like a pile of snow...actually it was the stuffing from a sofa...he looked so proud...took that sucker right down to the frame.
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Pstegman, I've owned Great Danes, so have experience with large dogs. I'm also a huge believer in the Cesar Millan way of living life with dogs. No dog of mine would ever tear up my furniture, none has even tried. I am the leader of the pack, always. And when your dogs are trained as they should be there usually aren't any issued. Plus, a lot of times people don't take their personality, or the personality of the dog, into consideration before buying it.

A girlfriend long ago thought it would be a GREAT idea to get a half wolf/shepherd mix. I didn't think so, in her little 900 sq. ft. house with no yard. I tried to say something about possible issues with this but she wasn't hearing it. She got the dog. The dog that shredded her furniture, ripped up and chewed up the base boards, bit one mailman and the UPS delivery guy and was threatened with lawsuits. The animal was going bat shit crazy in such a small space with no outlets. She finally got rid of her, gave her to a man that lived in the country with several acres and two or three other wolf dogs.

The problems people have with their dogs isn't the dog...it's the people and how they raise/handle it, unfortunately. Plus, I have one and a quarter acre here, more than enough space to run and play for a half dozen dogs. I tend to spend a lot of time with my pets, especially the dogs, and take them places with me, too. Playing, training, parks, dog parks, long walks, beach, you name it.

Maybe I'll have the energy for that soon. If I got a big dog now, it wouldn't be the dog's fault if it turned badly, it would be mine.
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You all make me laugh! ROFL Windytown your chin hairs and Pam the picture is hilarious! The couch exploded! SA, yes you need a dog! Unconditional love...We all need that!
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Hanging out here with my tweezers at the ready! What a life. I sure need a nap, but have to call my mom in 45 minutes.

Just took the dog for a walk and it felt so good to be outside. It's all of 20 degrees with some snow spitting down. Geez. So sick of this. The tulips I planted last fall are under a four foot snow drift. Maybe see them in May....Ergghhh!
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Hi jam, i am not doing well. Iam taking care of mymom who is 90 and she is in her own apartment. She is in depression of loss of her husband and it has been 3 years he has been gone. She sleeps alot to get over it. I dont knownwhat to do.
She eats very little,because fears if she eats too much she will get sick.
I a, very tired. What do i do.
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Windy, my tulips are nothing but big green leaves atm. Hoping for some blooms soon, but it's just determined to stay cold around here for now.

Talked to the yard guy today. Just the clean up is going to be $500. Yay. :(
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Sa...he learned to not do such things but we got him as a full grown adult who had never been trained for anything...had never been inside before, was covered in fleas when we got him...he turned into a good boy...it just took a while...my life has been full of weird animals that needed tlc to bring them back to the norm...I guess that's why I didn't give up on Mom's little mutt. It took 3 years to get him retrained to not pee in the floor...I was just more stubborn than he was...
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hello everyone, my husband and I have been taking care of my Mother for 3 years. She fell and we felt it was best to be here to try to keep her safe. We moved in, we share the bills and we buy the food for the house. My mother has always been an unhappy person. She is also part of the generation that does not talk about their hurts and etc. She does not want to be any trouble. We go to doctors appts. so we know what is going on. She is 93 years old, her body is wearing out. She is going deaf ( she does not want to waste her money on a hearing aid) and she is very slowly going blind. She has always needed to be in control of everything and everybody. So, her decline is upsetting to her. This is something she can not control. I really just need to know I am not going crazy. She seems to enjoy causing little "issues" in the household. the best we can do is to just let the issue events roll off our backs. I must say there are times when that is very hard. The consent stress of her negative ways builds up over time. So the only thing we can do is go to the store, or go for walks, something to change the air and thoughts. She is a tough lady, she has never shown kindness, compassion. She is who and what she is. I accept that. We can not move out she can not be left alone, she sometimes forgets she has something on the stove warming up. But that is only one of the times we have had to fix something for her. That is why we are here. I just want to know if there are others out there, trying to take care of "Grumpy Grammy", and what are they doing to ease the stress. thank you I have not been on the site in over a year.
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Welcome Pami and Lady..... ya'll have found a safe place to land the caregiver helicopter....... no judgements here, and we have been there, are there now, or will be there soon.... lots of collective wisdom here....

Pami, I would try to get her to the Dr....she can be given meds that will help with her depression...if not, then you can only be there to help her and check on her... I would recommend some Ensure or something like that to at least make sure she is getting nutrients..... it is a sad situation.... she is missing her husband and at her age, she probably doesn't want to go on without him.... just do the best you can.... and come back here and get to know everyone....and let us get to know you.

LadyDi.... lol, most of us deal with "grump grammy'.... so you are in the right place....sounds as if you are doing all you can... so just add to things to help YOU take care of yourself..... the negativity will get to me faster than anything, so I do understand....its like this ugly brown dress that we do not want to wear and we look down and have it on..... so , like Pami... come back and pull up a chair.... many great ladies on this thread.... and they will have other suggestions also.....

We even laugh here... !!!! Imagine that !!!! And we talk about caregiving and life in general.... from cold weather to frogs... and dogs, and cats.... you get the picture...

So welcome, both of you... hope we see you again.... hugs, angels,love and chocolate...
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Hello everyone. A lot of great info coming out there on these posts! Thank you! I've been going thru some changes with my dad. He's on oxygen 24/7, takes nebulizer 4x day, takes Coumadin for AFib, has macular degen in one eye, has chronic kidney disease and still smokes & drinks. Sometimes he doesn't eat anything but olives or grapes when I work (2 days a week!) even thoe I leave him food in fridge ready for microwave! He does nothing all day except go from chair to chair to either eat or watch tv or smoke. He does PT 3x week to strengthen muscles so he can walk but his lungs are so full of air that he doesn't have enough breath for a 20ft walk even with his oxygen on!! Last xrays show mostly black in lungs & esophagus so I am wondering how long does he have? He has had COPD for about 4-5 yrs now and it's gotten worse. Pulmonary doc said we should get our Medical records, POA and financials in order now and that made me think he hasn't got very much time left. Going to ask doc this next trip Wednesday for more info on his condition along with some of his pulmonary test results. He needs another breathing test next week to see how he is since being on oxygen and I think it may be worse than the one a few months ago. He coughs a lot but nothing comes up and he breathes out his mouth that I don't think he gets enough air even with the 02. I am frustrated with all this but know it's what I have to do since no one else will but I am scared as to what my financial situation will be if he lasts 2 more yrs. We get paid thru the VA for caregiving and he feels I don't need to work with that coming in however I am 4 yrs away from retirement and would like to have an income to report so my SSI is enough to support me when I am elderly. I don't ever have any fun as my days are taken up by keeping an eye on him & his meds & all that other stuff. Sometimes I do get to go to the store alone and that is such a blessing! When he comes with me it's a matter of finding an old fart cart for him to ride and making sure he doesn't run out of breath as he never wants to take his portable 02 with him....geez right? I am at the point that I make sure he has meds, food, clean clothes and make sure he bathes at least 2x weekly and other than that, I give up on helping him cuz he won't help himself. He wasn't the best dad growing up and lately I've heard the truth to stories I heard differently 50 yrs ago. My sisters haven't visited him in about 11 yrs and prior to that it was prob 15 yrs. Needless to say I feel like I got stuck with the old guy cuz no one else wants him. Kinda wish dad had passed 21 yrs ago and not mom......

So I feel I have rattled on but I guess that's what happens to a caregivers mind when it gets overwhelmed! Thanks for letting me vent and listening.
God Bless all of you and Prayers go out to everyone!!
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