This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Red, I'm glad that hospice is there for MIL.
The last time I traveled, baby bro spent $2100.00 for my ticket for a 2 week vacation. My legs started hurting from the time the plane took off from here. I had a 7.30 hours flight to Hawaii, another 8 hours to Houston, and then on to Colorado. I spent the Whole Time Walking and Walking and Walking. I could not even sleep because the pain got worse and worse as I sat on the chair. It was miserable. The same thing happened on my return flight home.
I had to overnight in Houston on the way home. So, I rented a hotel room. I saw so many scary movies of people dying in hotels and their spirits haunting the room...I slept fully clothed, with my socks on, and on Top of the comforter - in case a spirit decided to visit me. I would jump off the bed, grab my shoes and luggage and flee the room. I slept with the darn lights on - too terrified that a darkened room would bring the ghosts out. sigh.... I am such a scaredy cat when it comes to ghosts,spirits, etc....
LadeeM, remember how I've told you I'm scared of a lot of things? But I do it despite those fears? I was so afraid of overnighting in Houston because how would I get to the hotel and to the airport? What if I get into a taxi and disappear? Died a brutal death and my body chopped into pieces and hidden so well. What if I got kidnapped and forced into sex labor? on and on...
I want to go. But just the thought of the long plane rides, and another overnighting in Houston just terrifies me. And the most important thing: Every time I leave this island, by 3 days before my flight back home, I become majorly depress because I Don't Want To Come Home! It's the real bad depression as I get closer to leaving home.
I need to think about it. I can use my tax refund (haven't received it yet) to cover my half if bro is serious about paying the other half. That's a non-refundable ticket. Once I buy it, I cannot back out.
He wants me to fly to Colorado to visit my 2 sisters there. Then Drive to another state several states away and meet him and my older brother (from Texas) at the wedding. And then after the wedding, I will ride back with bro by car to his home in Virginia, and fly back home from Virginia. HE thought of this all out before presenting it to me. Darn! He must really want me to go visit.
It's not just the vet bills. It's everything. I'm literally dropping money by the hundreds and thousands getting this house updated and into shape and dealing with the freaking animals, who all seem to have issues at the same time.
If dropping money by the thousands is what it takes and what is required to make it in this world and live a half way normal, certainly not extravagant, middle class life, I'm F'ed. Pure and simple. No wonder people are sinking like stones in this kind of crazy economy.
Mike, the guy that helped us with our air conditioning unit told us to pray we never have to call Joe Blow from some random company to come in and fix anything. Evidently, in this world today, JB is going to F your stuff up, not fix it. Yup. I'm thinking....what?... Really? Is that a joke?
I seem to have a very negative view of the world sometimes. I guess I've turned cynical. There's always been bad news in the world and depressing issues that come up, but today that kind of thing seems to run rampant. That could just be sensory overload from the net I suppose. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. I don't know.
The world just seems very harsh at times. Yesterday I read that a lot of people, some big percentage that I don't remember now, are one paycheck away from financial ruin. Yay. Yes, I feel much better about everything now.
And we're going to have more rain today, which I shouldn't complain about, but I'd like to see a lot more sunny days, please.
Well, yesterday I made banana bread. It was a small loaf and pretty much devoured already. Today I think I'll do some chocolate cupcakes. I'll make a few extra for the neighbors, too. Yup. Day's lookin' up already. :)
Suze, you know I love ya...... I just want to shake her until her little hard head rolls on the floor.....do you go everyday??? On the one hand I admire you for being the person you are to take care of her.... on the other hand..... I just pray you understand that you have GOT to get a break soon..... and you know Texas has room for ya... pick a climate you like, we got it....from swamps to mountains... and all things in between.... would love to teach you to talk 'suthen'.... love you !!!!!!
Book, even with all the fears, I think the hardest part for me would be going back home.... I totally understand that feeling.... don't go if you really don't want to..... don't do it just for Bro..... doesn't sound like you had much fun last time.... and ya, Houston is a scary place.... I wouldn't layover there... !!!! And I even know my way around... or at least I used to.... but do what makes you happy.... I know there are purses waiting to be bought with some of that income tax money.... lol.... love and hugs....
Even though she's been in a NH for eighteen months, my narcissistic mother (Parkinsons, stroke & dementia) has continued to such the life out of me. A week ago she told a ministry inspector she didn't know where the money went from her house sale and I was obliged, like a common criminal, to produce paperwork proving where her money was.
Although she's never been properly diagnosed, two years ago her family doctor told me she'd had dementia for a number of years. I had a long chat yesterday with the NH director and social worker. The social worker advised my mother was at stage 5/6.
One more piece of cr*p out of her and I will meet with my lawyer to see about handing her, her bank account and investments over to the state, revoking my POA and just walk away. I'm so done.
The embroidery is back, my aunt is sneering at me, my mother is crying and screaming at me and refusing to participate in the outing the aunts planned for the day.
I am sooooooo loving my life right now...NOT.
I am da88ed if I do and da**ed if I don't. I don't understand why life has to be like this
Stand strong.
As far as everyone feeling they are the ones going insanecyou probably are but take comfort in the fact that it is only temporary and you will get better sooner or later. Sooner if you take control and set your boundaries and for new caregivers set them at the begining of your journey before your loved one finds out what thay can get away with and sets a precident. They are indeed like small children or animals they learn very quickly how to manipulate their caregivers and which buttons they can push for the best effect. As we age we begin to look more inward and fear makes us try and protect what little control we still have in our lives.
SA I hope Fuzz gets better soon. I know how ridiculously expensive Vet care is but it takes the same rescouces as medical care and Vet training is as expensive and long as for an MD - I know - my eldest daughter is a Vet. Before you have any proceedure done by a vet and this is not just for you but everone facing animal issues. if there are several vets in the area call their offices and get an estimate for what every you need done. Ask if it is essential and if there is a cheaper proceedure..There is health insurance available for pets which of course is not cheap either. Medications can also be often purchased cheaper from your local pharmacy rather than the vet's office so ask for a prescription and buy it your self even by mail if it is not urgent.
Red it is good news that you have got hospice in, if that is ever good news. you are already reaping the benefit of some of their services so make full use of everything they have to offer. I think the most valuable service is the knowledge that there is always someone available 24/7 at the end of a phone. The on call nurse is always there to talk to you and offer advice and visit if needed. just feeling ocerwhelmed there is a friendly shoulder to cry on. Just don't expect too much from the diapers they supply. You may choose to .continue to purchase at least some of your own.
Book I can perfectly understand your fear of flying and the spirits you may encounter in the new places you visit especially because you are making the trip alone. Forgive me if I now put my size tens right in my mouth but I know you have lived all your life where things are different from the usual western world and you have mentioned the Elders before. Can they help you make this journey with some kind of spiritual protection? Talk to you Dr about the issues with you legs before you leave and see if there is something you can take to make you more comfortable. I think you have said you have RA so you may have to insist you do not do too much walking during your visit. Even ask for assistance at the airports if there is a long walk between gates. Try and get some exercise during your stopovers. Swimming is excellent or light walking. Just get moving. During the flight get up and walk down the aisle whenever it is quiet. I don't think you drink but avoid alcohol. Stick to water or orange juice. Go if you can it will be a nice break but don't be afraid to speak up if you know something is going to cause you problems. Even if you just take a walking stick it will probably help.
Think I have caught up with a couple of pages of posts Hugs to everyone
So with that being said, I was wondering why we let GUILT rule our lives??? Guess that is a personal question for each of us to answer.... I am still working thru why I stayed at my last job and almost lost my mind and health.... and I have a choice, and still do what many of us do....
My new job is so different.... and you know what I realized?? I am BORED.... I am really taking a hard look at this.... after so many years of chaos and drama, death, no time to grieve, on to the next job.... exactly WHY am I doing this ???
Perfect job, this one.... got the day lady off my back.... and I am bored out of my mind.....
A whole generation of us.... killing ourselves..... and GUILT being our Higher Power..... so many things to think about.... and just WHY???? Guess each of you have your own answers.... still searching for mine.... I just don't want to do this anymore...... time, reflection, choices, I'm going to do what I need to do to get my answers......
Like I said, this job is about as perfect as any job could get... so my unhappiness is 'inside'.... has nothing whatsoever to do with caregiving..... I am not living my life.... just doing what it takes to go from day to day.....
And I have a CHOICE here which makes it even more crazymaking for me....
Going to really focus on this ugly monster called GUILT..... and get to the bottom of it...... I am tired of being a caregiver... period....
love to you all....
Mother is very nervous tonight for some reason...she keeps wanting me to 'check the doors' and feeling like someone is coming in and out. I think I actually managed to do the right thing for a change, she has referred to my aunt as a 'smart a**'. I really believed that she didn't want to sell everything to that aunt...she has never got along with her.
Thank all of you who helped me through the last two days...if it werent' for you, I wouldn't ahve had the backbone to stand up. I feel a lot better.
Wanting, I'm glad that it all turned out.
Bro is leaving this Sunday. He's putting the guilt trip that I did not call him that I was off this afternoon so that he can sneak out and we spend our afternoon together. I did think of it but oldest sis is coughing a lot lately. I'm concerned if she's too exhausted, she will end up flat on her back. So, I need to come home and relieve her so that she can rest. Truly, I would much rather spend my afternoon with bro than be here with father.
But it's sunny! :D
During the weekend I had a surprise from our tiny garden. It seems our former paid caregiver planted... eggplant. I was shocked to see a real eggplant and another smaller one dangling from that flimsy plant. I'm not a gardener but I think that plant needs help to stand upright. If I have time, I will look for a stick to tie it around the plant to help it stand. Don't know why I should. If I do, the chicken will see it and go peck it. Darn chickens wake up so early and peck all the mangos on the ground. They just have to try each mango - rendering it useless for us to eat.
Your sister speaks in blissful ignorance of what your mother's condition really is. The worst you may wish for her - to quote Mr Bumble - is that her "eyes may be opened by experience, Sir - by experience!"
I find it very hard not to punch such people full in the face. So far I haven't, but I hope you don't find it as difficult as I do to restrain yourself! I think we should at the very least be allowed to take them warmly by the throat.
SA it is sunny here too but I probably wont put my big toe out the door!!!!!!!
Wanting you are awesome. The she devils are gone. There are plenty of backbones around if you just look in the right place.
Vultures are everywhere so everyone be prepared before they swoop they will try any tactics to get what they "want" or percieve as "theirs"
There was not a problem with my mother or our in laws. I am an only child and hubby's brother offered him anything he wanted of his fathers. In fact on their 60th wedding anniversary MIL gave each of the female family members a significant piece of her jewely. I think she only kept her wedding ring. She was at the begining of her memory loss journey but FIL would never have allowed her to do it if he had not felt it was right - his memory never failed although his body did.