This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
While I am sure the Doctors understand our concerns, they just try to keep their distance, not wanting to be the bearer of bad news.. The doctor that confirmed for us she had cancer was kinda blunt and tacky, but I'll take blunt and tacky any day over sugar coated B.S.
Jam, glad to see you popped your head in and let us know that at least your still there.. Ladee, glad you are feeling better, Emjo, if your not writing a book now, you need to get started.. you can use all of our "assumed" names..lol..to add to the list of stories. Seeme, Vic, 54, all of you, wishing you best health and peace.
This months budget went out on auto repairs.. finished paying off the 900.00 on hubbys truck, turned around and put 200.00 on my car, just a battery mind you..but this one is down at the bottom of the engine, hidden behind a tire. Give me a good ole car before computers became involved, I could work on that puppy myself.
I'm seriously thinking about going down and getting in the camper before it gets too hot, get some more stuff out of there, and do some rearranging, I am seriously wanting to be out of here end of this month.. if we keep getting delayed we might as well wait till spring time.
How are you doing?
Yuo can't get away and I can't get the BS moved so we are both stuck... sucks doesn't it...
everyone - prayng for some refreshment in your days
stormy you sound like you are tackling this well
Had a good chat with a friend of 45 years last night. Was with them when her hubby died from cancer. Her father, mother, and oldest son all died in the next 4 years. She had a bit of grief overload and we understand one another. I told her that if I never saw mother or my sister again it would be OK with me. After the initial "Oh dear!", she understood. She has seen my family dynamics.
Was tired the past few days - slept 2 hours heavy in midday yesterday. Feeling a bit more energetic today. Did the exercycle for a little while last night but the muscle I pulled hiking is still sore so have to be gentle on me. . Boiling up some soup bones - need to boil them for three days to get all the "goodness" out of them. The broth is supposed to be good for the gut - need to get this candida over and done with - tired of it. At nearly 74, I still have goals to be fitter and stronger. I want to ride that black horse! Right now I would need a hoist to get up on her! lol I want that feeling of freedom - being in the zone, with the flow - got a bit of that chasing horses and swimming while we were away - it brings life to your bones. Don't forget to do a bit of that for yourselves - find it somewhere - even for a few moments - you need it.
I will tell you of my near death experiences and also of some of the experiences I had with my Gordie when he was in a coma. Need to be in the space - brings back feelings. I wrote hm a little poem after he died "No more sorrow, no more pain , Safe in heaven till I see you again" and I know he is.
More (((((((((hugs)))))) and love ♥♥♥
Joan
I know that you never get over the hurt of losing a loved one, but how long before you can function again? I need to move on and get on with my life, and I can't frigging function..
Joan, when I hit 74, if I make it until then, you have to give me your secret of youth, I am wore out just listening to what you have been up too, never mind trying to do it...lol..
look after u - drink enough water, eat properly and get the sleep you need - pamper urself a bit - hot scented bath and candles, music sort of thing - and incidentally, that goes for all of u - pamper yourself as u can fit it in - even small things will make a difference - i saw that jam gave herself pedicures - get a hair do, and so on - it will help u feel better
starri take as long as u need - functioning will return - u r getting on with ur life - the grieving part right now is ur your life - not that we would choose it nor is it much fun but it is part of life and for a while after a loss we have to organize our lives around the grieving - the time will come when u can organize ur grieving around your life - it took about 2 years after Gordie died for this transition for me - it should be much shorter for u as parent loss is "natural" - though that doesn't mean it is easy or not painful and difficult to work through - u will feel when u r ready to do more
secret of youth - well good genes for one which apparently counts for about 1/3 of it - on top of that good lifestyle - the basics - eat healthy, don't smoke, exercise - the latest wisdom about eating says that means the less processed food the better and I believe it - for me and many others - especially if u are diabetic or overweight it means restricting carbs - get rid if the white stuff - sugar, flour, baked goods, and substitute sweet potatoes for white, lots of veggies raw or steamed, as much fish as you can manage, good protein, nuts, seeds and fruit, - for exercise the best i ever read was do more than u r doing - I have never believed in the 45 mins in one session or the bouncing, high intensity stuff -- they have found out that 10 mins at a time several times a day is as benefical so just keep moving - walking is the best, but doing your grocery shopping etc all counts. Those of you who are looking after others at home are active! The final thing is looking after ur mind and emotions and spirit - need to keep your mind active , be social - here and in real life, and feel your feelings - stuffed feelings do a number on us - develop your spiritual life and be thankful for what you do have (gratitude and forgiveness are good for us) and finally deal with stress which prob involves all of the above -
start now - don't wait til u r older - take baby steps = and do right by yourself -as a group caregivers are special however they (we) tend to put themselves behind others - use your compassion and skills for urself too.
well better get off my soap box - can tell I am missing my students - used to give them the same and they would be uncomfortable walking past me in the cafeteria with a plate of fries and gravy lol - loved seeing their faces when I told them my age - but it showed them that what I was telling them worked
love 2 you all ♥♥♥ and rememebr it is never too late
Joan
Another sunny, not quite so hot day, a balmy 95 degrees!
starri.....no you never get over the hurt of losing a loved one, but you will learn to put that away in a corner of your heart and bring out the good memories of your life and momma. Each person is different in how they deal with loss and how quickly they bounce back. My mother passed away last Dec 29 and there are still days when I just sit and think about her. I knew from that very day that nothing was going to bring her back and she would probably thump me on the head to find out I was sitting around grieving myself sick over her....:) She was like that. You are the only one who knows when you will be ready to get on with your life. Just beware of letting yourself get too far into that black hole of grief, that you will find hard to crawl out of. What would momma want you to be doing right now? I bet if she could, she would tell you to get that camper stocked, and get the heck out of there! I know you have a lot on your plate right now.....when is it time to start thinking about starri? And yes, sometimes you have to be a wee bit selfish.
I'm thinking of all of you today and hoping you all have a peaceful day.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Emjo......we are your family now.......huummm, I hope that is a good thing.
Ladee, hoping the chicken is gone and Marie is happy and Sonny knows you today. And that you can stay cool.
Vic, YR, and anyone else I have forgotten because of my brain fart, please cyber-slap me when you check in.
Jam, stay cool today with all this heat. Tell the girls to change their hair styles. Remember, familiarity breeds contempt.
Gotta get something done. Hubby is on day shift and I will be expected to make some kind of supper. He is not feeling well. Later..............
PTSD is no fun - but u can live with it and get better -
family here - yup a good thing - I have many cybersisters - mmm maybe the name for another book -
hope hubby feels better
U 2
love and hugs
J
Mom is doing good, have a doctors appointment on the 8th for her. Her sugars have been running regular ... and Doc says she's been doing good with the edema as they haven't been swelling thats cause i have cut pretyt much any sodium out of her diet as instead of giving her canned soup and preprocessed sauce I make my own. I know it takes time but I rather cook it myself that way I know what's in it ya know. Still trying to get ready for this weekend I have to dismantle my heat press to transport it then put it back together there .. oh joy lol NOT!! Anyway .... thats it for me today ....
Are we still looking for a name for the horse? Jo, I believe you said it, cybersister.. it is a girl isn't it? lol..if it is a stallion we could give him emotional problems if we named him sister..
Seeme? Mom was like that in her past year or so before she passed, nothing was ever good enough, negative everything..I can't begin to count the number of times I was told about her being a phone operator, lol, I just listened and commented accordingly. I have a picture of her in her hospital bed that we set up for her in the livingroom right before she passed, it's the happiest look I'd seen on her face in years, I was holding the star we had bought her above her head.. When it comes to dinner cheat,if at all possible, Bertello's (?) I think, makes a all in one bag meal..lol.. perfect for two, throw in a salad and you have servings for three and even better? you can nuke it..
Was fixing to head to the camper, till I took a look at the thermometer on the computer.. 102 degree's, how do you ladies do the heat ??? it's actually not all that bad out there today, heat I can pretty much do as long as I stay out of the sun, it's the humidity that kills me, sucks the life energy right out of you.
Have enough pain meds in me that I ought to be able to move some..guess i can plug in the camper and turn on the a/c to get it cooled down and see what I can come up with.. brought some more towels and stuff yesterday and put in there, still trying to unload the thing so I can get at the storage spaces and see what I have, these past couple of trips have been ok, we have new things to test and see if we need something else, so food stuff's and other misc have been basically thrown in there. I know that I don't have enough space for more than two weeks, so have to plan accordingly.
What's this about a chicken? is Ladee making chicken and dumplings? I missed something some where. I don't know how good they are for eating, but I have a couple of guinea's running around I can add to the pot.. Their my brothers actually, but I was trying to be nice one day and not run the things over and backed into a tree, busted out a tail light, 180.00 later, those birds became fair game, stupid enough not to get out of the way? road kill...lol.. Seeme? you could take Ladee's chicken and make chicken noodle soup out of it for hubby..
Maybe I took a little too much pain meds, lol, kinda babbling.. Big hugs..
Will let ya'll know who I had to kill to get it all done, but I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR.... love and hugs to everyone...
ladee, I am sorry to hear that you had to explode to get things done.. your "french" doesn't bother me personally, I tend to have a mouth on me that could make a sailor blush.. Believe it or not, this ought to take a ton of stress off you.. it will be where you can make your home, make your area a area that you would enjoy coming home too, pots with flowers in it, maybe some fake grass (that carpet they sell, astro turf?) a couple of lawn chairs.. maybe a little table where you can set your coffee cup..
If you need a place to hide the body, I have the perfect place, right behind Mom's old place, kinda swampy, throw a bag of lime over it to hide the smell and let the animals move the bones for you..lol.. Big Hugs my friends
So I'll just hang on, and if it gets too bad, will get my butt into see her. Well, computer still says 102, but the sun is getting lower in the sky, so I am going to see if I can get out there and get something done... Ladee? check in and let us know if we need to pass the hat for bail money.. we already know you can plead insanity.
Right now I break out in blisters every time I hear mom call my name. Yesterday wasn't enough time away. I think she is up to 40 min in between going to the bathroom. I tried to take a nap while she was laying down. What a joke. My name sounded like fingernails on a blackboard about then. I know I am whining, but the smell gets to me and everytime she calls me, I automatically smell it.
I take lexapro for my anger.....usually because someone is being an ass. It started when I did a job I hated at work. I tried Paxil first and after 4 days of the 10 mg dose (the lowest?) I was afraid I was going to forget to breathe........but I was relaxed !!!! Got exhausted just taking a shower.
Well, hubby has a sinus infection and was running a low-grade fever. He's alerady decided not to go to work tomorrow. It is harvest time and he has an infection instead of asthma, so far. Never fails, but it usually happens in Sept. When they start spraying the defoliant on cotton and even picking tobacco and cultivating it can cause him to go into some funk. Now mom is scared from the news. Geez, TS Emily is driving her nuts. Course they have to make a big deal of it, good or bad.
Ladee, good to hear you took charge and are getting it done. Damn men, got to fix everything before it moves and too hot to do that......BS, takes a woman to get it done. We got a swamp about a mile away and Jam has a pond..........
Shawna, good luck at the fest.......I did that a couple of times with my painting, but it IS a lot of work. Stupid me started out painting old thick bricks as stocking holders for Christmas........why something as heavy as a brick? DUH!!! Then I did lighthouses on blue satin ornaments.....much better !!! And NC loves their lighthouses !!!
Gotta get supper going. 6 PM and 101 degrees.......but Kathy comes tonight........ later
Seeme, I can understand the cringing every time you hear your name, after a while you want to change it.. Bummer about hubby, is there anything the doctors might be able to give him to help with this? or is moving the final option? AZ and NV is where a lot of people have to move for the asthma.
Went out to the camper, don't have as much space as I was hoping for, but I can clear out hubbys tools to his "new" toolbox he had to have, so that will open up some space, some rearranging and getting two weeks worth of stuff in there isn't going to be a problem.. now to just find some of the stuff I bought for the camper and get it in there, like the first aid kit..lol..
Maybe get a rotating target holder for the cat and some darts.. she's about to drive me nuts.. I am not sure about traveling with a cat, two dogs and a husband..
I'm glad that you are all there, it's helping to be able to talk, even if it is through the computer.. I tend to hide when I get like this, not a good thing I know. Well, time to consider what to make for dinner, besides calling out for pizza, even I, the woman who loves pizza the most can get sick of it after a while.
Ladee? where are you?
And guess what, this is the blessing.... the lady saved a spot for me under a tree!!!!!! How cool and thoughtful is that........I almost cried when she showed me where I would be parked.... so paid her, paid for the wrecker, gave my son money to go get hoses and other stuff, now I'm broke, but finally happy... It's a Banana Split ya'll, finally!!!!
Starri, laughed out loud at my insanity plea, and if one more man had said one more stupid complicated thing to me, I was going to go postal.... told the wrecker driver he was my new best friend..... he did the job in less than an hour, and it had to be moved from another town..... anyway.. need to get cooled off, try to get rid of this headache, and do some gratitude.. I have my own tree ya'll, do you know what that means in texas heat..... YEHA.... more later after a shower, some food, and a little relaxing.... love ya'll hugs..