This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Keep posting. It really helps. *squish!*
Hope Mom does not have to kill you. Hospice nurses hate seeing patients that are in prison. They don't quite strip search you but you cant take in so much as a stethoscope.
Patty - Welcome also Caregiving is the hardest job I have ever had. Especailly since we are taking care of someone that we love. Take a breath every now and then and find something that will help with the stress. Take Care Of YOU!!
Wanting - My sister in law brought up to me a couple of years ago that Mom might be happier in a home. I told her over my dead body. I am glad that your mom feel better. When my mom had gone through a rough time would make her favorite food and do something especaliy for her. All they want sometimes is just to see that they matter to you. Take care of YOU!!!!
Windy - I hate nanny states also. I cannot imagine Louiisana being like that. People would revolt. Take Care of YOU!
Red _ i am soo glad that you have hospice now. You will have a lot less on your mind. Take care of YOU!!!
Book - I hope that your car is not that expensive to fix. Sounds like your brother wants to spend time with you and to also give you a break. However, if you are going to be that miserable than it is not worth it. Life is funny sometimes. Your car took the choices you had to make about the trip from you.
SA - I am glad that you got your new sunroom furniture. When it rains it pours with two sets of furniture. I know about vet bills. I cannot afford to take my cat to the doctor anymore. I have spent over what I could afford. That banana bread sounds good. I hope you put pecans in it. take care of YOU!!
Ash - I am so sorry about what you are going through. Take care of YOU!!!!
Chrissy - I am glad that your mom is doing a little better. I know how hard it is to watch someone suffer. Take care of YOU!!!!
ABB - Glad to see you here. Take care of YOU!!!
LadeeM - Hey there!! Take care of YOU!!!!
Hi everyone - I have missed a lot in here lately. Jazzy is still not doing that well. I am trying to do as much as I can for her. I will be having a fight on my hands with my bother. The home insurance premium is due the beginning of the month and he will have to pay half. He will be crying and telling me that he is not making that much money right now,. Well, TOO F----ing BAD. He had agreed that the money that was in my moms checking account would come to me to help me pay bills. Well, since we had a succession done he gets half of everything. So the bank split the amount in half and we each got a check. Before I knew what was happening he had gone home with the money. I am such a wimp. I have a hard time with confrontation. Everytime I bring up money he says that he is not making much money. That is not my fault. I am doing all the pitching and bringing things to the thrift stores and bringing things all over the place. One of my friends sais that he should pay half of it if he got half of the checking account. I had not thought of that. I have decided that I will not pay the premium until he gives me half of it. It is up to him. Good gravy, they found another spot where they think that plane went down. JEEEZ those poor families. Well, on the good side tonight I went and got my 23 year AA medallion form the place where I got help. On the way home I went and splurged on a iced coffee from Starbucks. LOL take care of YOU ALL!!
Book 23 years and counting good for you.
The banana bread reminds me of a funny story. When my first two were 3 months and 16 months hubby's company banished us to Nashville from the UK for a year. he was working for the chair of cardiology at Vanderbilt and his wife arranged for us to rent a retired bank managers house while they were in Mexico. Well we were introduced to all kinds of gracious southern ladies and one day one came around and presented us with what sounded like a bacon pie. I was delighted because dinner was solved for that night. So I warmed it up and made potatos and green beans and sat the family down. To our surprise the pie was extremely sweet and we quickly discoved our gift was pecan pie!!!!!!!!!! Sorry Ladee M I just did not speak "Southern"
CONGRATS Lav !!!!!! Fantastic accomplishment..... see, nothing can stop us once we get our feet under us...... sending you lots of hugs !!!!!
It's ok to be cranky.... go outside and just set for a few minutes if you can.... just find little things to help you regroup.... you are going to be tired and cranky, the nature of this stage of things.... cut yourself some slack on this one..... no, we don't have to take it out on our elders, but we do need to find a way to express our feelings..... you are in my prayers Red..... and of course you mil and hubby....
The other main issue as you know is the alcohism that you both share. You are young the age of my own children which would worry me a gret deal.
You can seek treatment through a local 12 step program, Your mother should but probably won't agree. It is a disease that won't go away on it's own. The disease is nothing to be ashamed of the shame comes with allowing it to rule your life. It won't be easy but nothing will change till you do. Are you the one who brings the booze into the house if so you do have some control of the situation.
You describe your mother as an old 77. Does she have any physical issues that limit her activity. you say she can still drive to the hairdresser. could she also go to the grocery store? Could she still manage her financial affairs or is there no money when a big bill becomes due. Is she forgetful and i don'r mean just forgetting where she put her glasses. But constanly repeating the same mistakes like writing the wrong numbers on a check. Memory lapses in older adults are to be expected and can be dismissed as "senior moments" but repeately doing the sme thing is a sign of begining dementia.
As far as the job is concerned, do you actually have a choice? Do you gain anything from the transfer like a promotion?
Mother has no right to input in this she sounds perfectly capable of fixing a simple meal rather than sitting drinking waiting for you to wait on her.
There are clearly lots of issues you need to adress to sort out this situation so tackle them one at a time. Get yourself healthy and begin to set boundaries for your mother. Getting POA would be a good thing to try and get which will give you a lot more control. Aproach this slowly she probably reefuse but if she has not already made a will you could get her to a lawyer and try to do the POA at the same time. She may do it if the lawyer sugests it. Come back and tell us more, you are the only one who can change your situation. Sending you strength and Blessings.
Need some feedback here..... the strangest thing happened at work the other night...I just find it weird, but maybe I'm past tired... ya'll tell me...
The night before L had had a rough night...and she gets very hateful when she is like this.... refusing help, a major fall risk, so even tho she is grumpy, I still have to be there when she is moving around... with the aid of her walker...but even Mr.M was tired of how hateful she was being.... he raised his voice to her and she calmed down...
Just giving report to the daughter... no big deal, just part of the job.. right?
The next night I go in and the D tells me she had a 'talk' with L about the way she talks to me....so I get a crease between my eyes as she is telling me this...
The D has put way too much importance on me being there and is trying too hard to make it a good experience..... while I appreciate this... L has LBD and Parkinson's...... and is having TIA's.... some of what the grumyness is from.... I get that.... it's my job to know that and not take it personal..... yes , it gets old, but so what ......
It just made me feel very uncomfortable that she would have this talk with her mom..... so as not to 'run me off'..... I am feeling too much pressure here to be 'Super Caregiver'....... yes, I got an excellent reference from the D of a previous family I worked for, and both of the D's are friends....but good grief....
So, am I just overreacting here? I didn't say anything to the D....just found it strange.... but I am keeping in mind, by day 5 I am a tad brain dead....
I know my last job was a nightmare, and maybe this is how good jobs are supposed to go.....so feedback would be appreciated......I don't like feeling this pressure and know in my heart of hearts I will go in and do my best job, like I always do....
Hope I am just tired and making too much of this....
Do yourself the favor of reading through this site, I'd highly recommend this ~entire~ thread. Sometimes it is heartbreaking and at others it's triumphant .. but you'll get a preview of what's to come of narcissism in aging parents, and I fear you're headed down that path. Yes, we feel compelled to care for our parents out of love or they guilt us into it, and nevertheless, it really is about YOU first. Even in the very best of caregiving situations, it's stressful, strenuous, draining and sometimes downright debilitating. You say that you feel like the grown-up and as much as you might not want to hear it, or know it to be true, grown-ups learn about the consequences of their actions. We can help with that. You'll find tons and tons and TONS of support .. but not for actions that contribute to the problems. You'll find that people here get in each others faces a bit .. but it's done with love and understanding from sheer experience. As much as it may seem like the challenge of a lifetime, these are often our most critically important years to ~understand~ what it is that we're doing, so that we have a life during and after the caregiving.
I have many politically incorrect opinions/positions and most are seriously unpopular, so .. if you want a viewpoint from the opposition, drop me a line. I won't interrupt the board with them, lol, except to say that I believe in self healing, disease is really dis-ease and WE are the navigators of our own lives. Now is, believe it or not, YOUR time. For healing, for growing. Welcome.
LadeeC
Uh, LadeeM .. I'd probably get the furrow too, but, as we both know, her suggestion to mom isn't going to be the saving grace, anyway. So, I'd let it slide. At some point in my career, I got a little acrylic plaque from someone that read "Super Woman" .. it was a joke. I placed it proudly on every desk I had from that point forward and would point to it, when someone comment: "it's a lie I always try to remember ... ... that I'm NOT super woman and won't even try to live up to the reputation." I'd suggest that if you get this feeling again, to take D to the side and say something to the same effect. "please! take me off that pedestal, I'm gonna fall from it, and sorely disappoint you!"
Hugs and chocolates coming your way!
LadeeC
hugs and chocolate back at ya !!!
Get some rest you'll feel better afterwards.. Hugs.
Sending you hugs lady and hoping things have settled down to a mild roar at your house....
tomatoes so I hope she will snack on those. She has low blood sugar. Iam tired and dont know what else to do.
Love and Hugs