This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
My mother comments about being overweight but she doesn't fight about the ice cream....the reason she doesn't lose weight is because her metabolism is so slow..she's in starvation mode. (she's @ 180 right now)
My mom says some stuff that I know she wouldn't say in her right mind that is 'uncomfortable' in what I would say to people. Human relations are weird. So much dancing around. It gets REALLY weird when dementia plays a part.
Everyone do the Rhumba, or twerking or whatever!! I'm old. I find Miley Cyrus totally disgusting. Saw a pic of the stage where people slide out of a giant face of hers on her tongue.
Don't sweat it. You are especially attuned into people's behavior after your last experience. I don't blame you. That was hurtful.
Know I love you girlie.
I caught mom feeding her lunch to my dog again....with a spoon (soup) and off the plate (sandwich). Tonight he refused to eat from his bowl. I did not offer to feed him from my plate.Now both mother and dog are ignoring me.
Mom told my brother's wife she looked "older than dirt".Wife had plastic surgery, cost my brother a fortune.He is no longer talking to me.It's all my fault.
Mom's birthday....florist delivered flowers, I answered the door.and he sang a little ditty about the joys of turning 94.
Mom never heard it.He sang it to me with a smile and added his best wishes.
Didn't realize I looked that bad.
Took mom shopping with me.Put her in one of those motorized carriages.
The boy stocking shelves wasn't hurt but....
we can't go there again.
Mom asked me tonight if she inherits the house after my hubby and I die.
I have stopped her watching crime shows as of now.I think she's getting ideas.
An old friend stopped by to see me.Mother told her she has gotten so old and fat she hadn't recognized her.
Think that was the last visit I'll get for awhile.
Neighbor sent brownies over with her husband.He turned his back to talk with hubby and mom grabbed his butt.
He turned and saw me.My mother stood looking frail and innocent.
Don't think we'll get anymore brownies.
Took Mom for check-up.Doc told her how amazingly healthy she is.....absolutely no meds, perfect weight, dementia yes but she's forgotten he said that anyway.
I went for check -up same day.
Doc told me my blood pressure high, I've gained 20 pounds and seemed anxious and depressed.Then asked what was causing my problems.Before I could answer he went on a rant about how lucky I am to still have my mother with me,such a healthy specimen of a mother at that!
His mother is in a nursing home.
Came home and tried death by chocolate overdose but I'm still here fatter but in a happier state of mind.Beats the mood altering pills the doc offered me.
Mother watching crime show again.I think I saw her taking notes.
Just found out yesterday from my niece that my dad, her grandfather, has been calling her rude names. She apologized to me that she had lost her temper and wanted to walk out. But, she needed the money (her mom is paying her to babysit). Now her boss's husband seems to be on the same stage of senility as her grandpa. Can you believe that BOTH of them say her name wrong as in Debbie. She's so used to my dad calling her Debbie, that when her boss' hubby calls her that, she automatically responds. Like my father, they both sometimes stare at her and can't remember her name. Except my father has beat him in the foul language. She says that her boss' hubby is now entering it. She wonders how long before he's no longer allowed in the shop because he might say something rude to the customers.
Father's favorite words now are *f***er". sigh.... Maybe if I hear it often enough, it would no longer bother me. I'm back to stealing his nutrient drink, swapping it with an inferior brand, and I better return it or I will go to jail.....
The funny thing is... my bro just happened to see Miley on tv. And he said that with that tongue, she reminds him of a giraffe. He asked me if I ever saw a giraffe and how their tongue comes out to eat? I nodded. He said that when she sticks her tongue out, all he sees is a giraffe. I laughed. I guess if She perceives that sticking out her tongue makes her look sexy or seductive, then "beauty in the eyes of the beholder."
Before bro left this morning, we hugged (very loosely). He patted my arm and said, "You're doing a good job." Yeah... just wish that my sibs show their appreciation by pitching in money wise so that I can hire a caregiver atleast for one weekend a month so that I can do a weekend stayover with sis.
Chrissy, I honestly don't know why you still go out in public with your mom. I wouldn't chance it. My mom caused a big scene one time and that was the last time. I knew if she was capable of acting like that in public once, she'd do it again, and I had enough hassles without hassling with that embarrassment.
Olma...LMAO! Oh Lawd, that was hilarious! XD You should write for comedians or become one yourself!
As for poor Miley...well, that's all...poor Miley... The girl's definitely got issues.
Thanks Suze.....I'm pretty sure that coming from a job of feeling like something stinky on the bottom of someone's shoe, to this... well, ya, I'm skeptical and certainly jaded....but do think I need to make me a cape.... what ya'll think??? and wear my straw cowgirl hat.... and boots.... and capris.... yep... think that would confuse L into silence and the D won't have to say another word to her..
Just come in in a different disguise every night.... ya, I like this idea... feel free to make suggestions.... i'm open minded that way..... lol
Love ya'll and appreciate the comments.... it's almost like working for C has made my PTSD worse... having a hard time getting used to being treated like a human....and I do take it is a compliment.... but I do not have a fragile ego, so after awhile it just sounds like 'fluff'....so, bottom line, I am NEVER happy !!!! LOL.....
Love you all, and know you are all on my gratitude list....and the chocolate overdose... well, it seems to work, as I always send chocolate !!!!.
Wonder what Miley will look like at 70?
Oh and by the way change your Dr
Ladee M the ER Dr will probably write an order for rehab in a secure facility
Wanting. Is Mom on any type of diabetic medication? if so ask Dr if they should be stopped or reduced. BS a little high is better that too low.
Chrissy F**k brother, He is not even trying a little bit. When your out do not reply to text unless mom breaks a hip or had a stroke.
Book iguess neice is not too bothered by the smuck as she realizes it's the disease talking. definitely she should tell her boss to keep hubby far way from customers because the words will sip out soon and she is going to be left standing there when the red faced customer runs out the door. Or maybe make a sign and put it on the door." Ignore Mr X his obscenities are part of his dementia" i don't know which would get rid of more customers.
Ladee M not sure you would silence L and it would certainly give that ER Dr more ammunition especially if you are wearing the Miley disguise the night you brekt that hip.
Chrissy you are describing my right arm too. mine is fused so I only have about 10% motion. You just have to keep using it but make it slow and steady. An elbow replacement is not yet an option they have not yet developed a good product yet. They may be able to give you some help though. I have to do up buttons with my left hand alone which is time consuming and my wardrobe has gradually changed. For example can't do up bra behind my back. You do get creative though. Take things slowly and don;t overuse on repetitive tasks all at one time. Stop before it hurts and come back later which is frustrating for me as i like to see something through. These days I look at a task and then decide to cut the amount in half and finish another day. OA is a very good example of "use it or loose it"
I wish just once that my family would say "I'm going to" instead of "do you want me to?"
Is it fear or respect? Or am I such a b**ch that they don't want to deal with me?
I think, that dumb a** here has just done everything for them for so long and they know I'm going to say "No I'll do it", but they want it to look like they are trying to help me out..
but this is Texas after all, many people go the ER with hats and boots... it might be the cape that would be the deal breaker tho.... lol
So, I'm starting a new week tonigt... I'll see what else I can come up with to bitch about since this job is so different.... just think I am having knee jerk reacitons... don't trust the situation yet..... love to you all, going to get some sleep....
On a similar line, my mom was chosen prom queen for her day care. The company decided to hire a PR firm to write a story of mom's life. When the PR firm called they wanted to setup a time to interview my mom. I wondered what the heck this guy did not understand about alzheimers, but could have been a communication problem between corporate and the PR firm, or breakdown within the PR firm itself. It was somebody's job to to communicate that this is a program for those with dementia. Told the director at the center, she was obviously surprised and shaking her head. She will take care of it Monday.
The daughter has always been helpless. In an emergency she has always become hysterical and screams unintelligibly. I attributed this to her youth. I thought that at her age, 58, she should have calmed down and matured. I was wrong. Even after raising two kids, she just goes blank in a crisis. So if they are afraid of us, or they think we are bixxches, that's just fine. Next time I will just do it myself.
But as I have said, my attitude on this job is very different than all my past jobs.... I make a suggestion, in this case, and then drop it.... she has a tad of the 'martyr' thing going on.... so, far be it from me to let someone know that there is help out there..... it's up to her.... and I tune her out when she is bitching.... I nod at all the right places and uh huh at all the right places.... but you know... you can lead a horse to water........
So tonight when L is slicing into my head with sharp words.... I think I'll just call D and tell her, 'hmmm, she's doing it again'........ LOL....
I will just do as LadeeC suggested, next time she 'defends' me.... I will simply tell her I will disappoint her with all the expectations she has put on me... to let this unfold as it will...
I am still in my 'learning curve' with L.... but am becoming reluctant to ask questions as it turns into something else..... and I no longer have the energy or desire to take care of the whole damned family.....I don't even have the energy to talk to the D about this right now.... so hope it all just settles in and I can just go do my damned job....
Don't get me wrong... it is NOTHING like the last one....so I am STILL grateful for that... hopefully it will just settle down....if wishes were horses..... ok, I'm getting ready for work.... love ya'lll..... see ya in the am......
Now they are gone and I am left to deal with paranoia and grief. She has been asking repeatedly who's here, where are we going to sleep, saying she wants to go home.
Today the sewer backed up in the house, she was VERY upset about it even though I did all the work to clean it up (she is upset that she couldn't help me...but what can she do? Only one person can mop at a time)
so tonight, although she doesn't know where her 'babies' are, she wants to go 'home' And when I said "you are home!" she told me she doesnt' understand why she can't live where she wants to. I told her she could decide for herself. THen she went to bed.
just a few minutes ago, she came in here and told me that she's going to go find somewhere else to live because she is unhappy living here. "I'm unhappy, you're unhappy"...
so there's the FINAL rejection, the coup de grace, if she has to choose between living with ME and living with strangers, she prefers the strangers.
I told her that I didn't want her to leave here to live with strangers, then she said she's not going to leave. I don't understand what she's thinking/doing/planning/wanting...I don't want her to be unhappy. I sure don't want to hold her prisoner.
All of this is because of those horrible people from out of town. Yes we had problems before but now it just seems soooo much worse. Like she's taken a huge giant step down the road. I am so upset and tired and angry with them. I want to strike out.
Honestly! They breeze in, set the cat among the pigeons, and breeze out again with some kind of grim satisfaction about the trouble they've caused and no further thought for it. They're a disgrace.
Give it time, with as much peace and calm as you can manage, so that your mother has a chance to settle down. It's very hurtful that you're trying so hard to look after her and she's saying she wants to leave, I know; but somewhere in that she wants your wellbeing too, which is a vestige of her caring about you as her daughter. Big hug.
It's a rough time. I have demons visiting me at the moment. (Lawd, if my neighbor Rhonda saw that she'd call in an exorcist.)
If anyone here, especially anyone whose relationship with their parent(s)wasn't the stuff that perfect, family sitcoms are made of, thinks that the issues, pain, anger, etc, etc, etc, is over when the parent dies, think again.
In some ways, h*** is just beginning. Yes indeed. I've lived in dread of this day as far back as I can remember. Not my mom's death, but what her death represents. So many demons, sleeping for so long. Well, now they're all awake.
Not having family, none except my mom, has always scared the s**t out of me. Being completely alone in this world has always been a huge fear with me. And now I am completely alone. Well, hello reality!
There's only me. There's only me, who's been living under a rock for over a decade. There's only one poor, tired, worn out nobody, with no major education, no real skills, no contacts, no brothers or sisters to call and talk to, no support system to speak of, trying to keep that mega load of anxiety, fear and worry from sending me gibbering into a corner. It's taking every single iota of willpower I have not to completely collapse under the weight of all of this hideous stress.
The bottom line. I don't have all the freaking answers. I don't know what to do half the time. I feel completely overwhelmed and unable to deal well with anything. I know I'm on a downward spiral, one that's becoming a tad scary, and I know I've got to get a grip on fear, anxiety, worry, stress, doubt, all of that. I've got to grab it all, wrestle with it and control it or it will consume me and I will be a gibbering, blubbering ball in a corner, unable to face reality.
The streets. Omg, the streets. They haunt me. They scare the piss out of me. And I'm scared to death I'll end up there. If I can't find a way to get out there in that scary as hell world and make it...LIFE... happen, I'll lose every single thing I've got. I've got to be good enough, and more than good enough, after a lifetime of listening to someone tell me, again and again and again, that I just...wasn't...to get out there and become successful. Part of me believed my mom. Part of me didn't. I guess I'm about to find out which part of me is stronger and wins. When I was a lot younger I knew success was possible. I did well at my job, was looking to climb the ladder. Now, I just don't know. I'm so much older. I haven't been in the loop in so long. On top of that, Dylan has said several times in the past that I probably wouldn't manage out there in the world because I was too old. Great. I feel lost half the time, paralyzed and unable to make decisions. I feel a lot of fear for so many reasons that keeps me up at night. Fear of the streets is top of the list. I'm dealing with stress and anxiety that's almost sickening in intensity. I can't eat sometimes because my throat feels constricted. There's just so much tension. I have so many emotions and thoughts that are conflicting and driving me nuts. I don't expect anyone to really get that...or maybe you do...
Anyway, yeah. Beautiful.
It's supposed to be nice and sunny today. Yesterday, it rained all day. I'm looking forward to temps in the 70's all this week and no more rain for a little while, and best of all, the heater won't run all week!
I wish everyone a smooth, quiet day..
And, crucially, you now and me soon, we're free. God bless you, you'll be fine xxx
Failing that, I wonder if you could find an authoritative book on dementia to give to your sister to help her understand what her interventions are DOING to her mother. Something underlining the need for continuity and consistency to help sufferers achieve a comparatively fear-free quality of life. Why not have a look at the Alz. Soc. website and see if they have any recommended reading to make pestilential meddlers sit down and behave themselves?
I've rung the respite home and spoken to the Lovely Libby. She hadn't seen mother yet this morning, but you know what? That she just plainly said she hadn't is one of the things I like about this place - I've got no fear that someone's going to save time by trotting out 'oh yes, she's fine, had a lovely breakfast and she's just about to join the macramé class' without there being a word of truth in it.
So when I calm down a bit I will have a shower (without the alarm going off as soon as the shampoo touches my hair and not a second before), eat lunch without the alarm going off, get out to the garden without the alarm going off and possibly even think about leaving the house. Not quite the grand plan I had, but it's early days.