This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Talk to his Dr about this. You can take him in but there is nothing they can do to diagnose it without testing. he can have a barium swallow which is an x-ray while he swallows a chalky liquid, be evaluated by a speech and swallowing expert where he would be asked to swallow various textures of food covered in barium. Then there is a gastroscopy where and instrument is passed through the mouth into the stomach. This is done under sedation and the throat is numbed.. there is another test where a tube is passed through the nose into the oesophagus and vasrious pressure readings are taken to judge how well the oesophagus is able to pass food along.
Difficulty swallowing or Dysphagia is very common as we age and can have several causes, mechanical, in which the muscles become weaken. neurological where nerves are affected as in injury, stroke, disease bone damage from such things as arthritis or osteoporosis. An otherwise healthy adult can usually deal with this themselves by learning which foods to avoid, taking small mouthfulls,frequesnt small meals, sitting upright to eat. and making smoothies for extra nutrition. fiber can be incorporated into smoothies with powder suppliments plus extra protien.
it is potentially very serious in that the sufferer can literally choke to death and the experience is terrifying. caregivers should familiarize themselves with the Heimlick manouver. A healthy adult can accomplish this themselves by leaning over the back of a dining chair.
The feeling of a mucous plug can be lessened by keeping the patient well hydrated and using a humidifier if the air is very dry. As a last resort tube feeding can be employed.
Any testing will depend on your husbands level of co-operation but even without it precautions can be taken at home
sorrow replaced joy.
mourning moved in.
endless weeping took over.
detachment, isolation, and darkness
illuminates the covered-windowed rooms.
if this grief is the price i pay for love
I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
love again.
I count the days
until God takes me, too.
I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. Have you located a grief support group? Caregivers go through so much there should be support for these special situations. Our lives revolve around the one we are caring for and our grief is of a different variety.
My dad was the same way, and in the end , God saw fit to be present for his ragged old soul.... and he went peacefully... I know this is hard.... for everyone... lots of prayers for you and your family.
The doll.... I make 'art dolls' and some of them sell for lots of money... not mine, but artists that have a 'name'... some up to $1500.... so that paperwork was with the will for a reason.... like was said, maybe now is not the time to investigate, but dolls have an incredible collector factor . And how awesome that mil worked so hard and got something for herself that she cherished....sometimes we forget that they had this huge life before it was our turn to participate..... sending all of you hugs...
I have managed to curb my husband from "investing" in coins gold and junk silver. I don't think he got scammed. Then there was the stock market account but that at least has been cashed out. I am just sharing not looking for advice!!!!. he is convinced the government will come knocking on everyone's door in the near future and seize all our valuables and bank accounts. Well they might and the president might declare himself a dictator. It's all possible. But at 75 with plenty of health problems I prefer not to stress about it.
Some especially my daughters would decribe me as a hoarder and can't wait to give me a good clear out. I am an avid crafter and addicted to rummage and garage sales so pick up all sorts of bits and pieces which DO come in handy or spark the creative juices.
My husband does not have dementia. A neurologist told him so but he sure gives a good impression at times!!!!!!!. I wonder if they have Internet in the FEMA camps so I can keep in touch with all my AC friends.
Many hugs,love and blessing Red I can ony admire what you have done for MIL.Will you have the dog stuffed when his time comes?
April 6, 2014 Masks
Always trying to find the right attitude; the response that will generate some closeness,
trying to give and share but Mom's responses are judgmental, sarcastic, apathetic, condescending,
disrespectful, angry, defensive, or hostile. There is no more common ground.
So I wear a mask, a wooden mask, a shield.
I am barely behind this mask.
I checked out of Abuseville a long time ago,
She'll won't even think of places to look for me,
Nor does she really care anymore.
I am on a permanent holiday of liberation:
It's a soulful expanse of God's ocean where bliss rolls in and out with my precious breath.
I might have to be here but I can't hear her anymore.
I am tuning in to the birds, the trees that pass by the car window,
as she rambles on with her forceful scratchy voice, machine gun style.
If I am not tuning out and being elsewhere I am mentally making my escape routes;
what to cook for dinner, what projects to concentrate on to get my life back on track.
My love is barely alive. I feel dirty and uncomfortable for that.
I am fueled by obligation, memories of better days with Mom.
These days I discover survival tactics. New ones every week.
This week it was dancing wildly in my apartment
to songs I loved when I was young, carefree, and far away from her.
Songs, that remind me of who I was, how I was becoming myself.
When I saw Mom, it was a few times a year and mostly we had fun.
She really was the love of my life: my friend, my mother, my confidant. And I believed all her stories and blamed the others in her life as she did. Now I see a different picture. I am like the blamed ones.
In the older days, after the childhood traumas and before today,
my mother and I danced at ballroom parties. I'd go to mom's apartment and her bed was piled with clothes for me to try on and to wear to that special dance.
I saw the annoying remarks, the nervous energy she had, but it was funny, entertaining. I didn't get wounded.
Today, the kind words from her barely are uttered and never without a stabbing ending comment.
I am so weary of trying to be present for her.
And this mask, this wooden mask, is heavier every day.
So we will go food shopping, and errand shopping and go to doctor appointments, but I'm not here
like Mom,
not ever here again, in the same way as we were before.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/How-do-you-make-everyone-happyMy-12-year-old-wants-my-time-but-my-mom-needs-my-time-167426.htm?cpage=0&post=1&cm=336056&z=1#336056
Mom has went from asking questions over and over to silence...far worse. I can see that there will be nothing BUT worse from now on. There's literally nothing to look forward to anymore. No more holidays, no more shopping trips, no more of her cooking.
I tell her I love her as often as I can...she has always responded with "I love you too"...she doesn't do that anymore.
I am not ready for this. I feel so robbed.
I read a book one time with a quote I think of often: "Don't fear old age, young one, or death..for it won't come for you but for another whom the Gods will make ready" well, I am still me, where is this one that was supposed to be made ready?
Wanting... I know it seems like you have nothing to look forward to right now... but please... don't give up. Even when mother was at her worst we strove to have family dinners to keep a sense of normalcy for her. Did it help? I don't know. I like to think it did. I know it helped me keep my sanity.
Judd... thank you for sharing your pain. You summed up my entire time with mother in your poem. It made me cry. But more than that, it reminded me of my mom who has been gone almost a year.
Hope everyone has a GREAT evening!
Wanting, you've just reached a scary time. I am sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I'll never forget the moment, the second, that I realized that my mom had gone over the edge and wasn't ever coming back. I was standing in the living room, really looking at her and suddenly I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I realized in that instant that she wasn't the person I had known anymore, that alz had stolen that person... And yeah, I knew it was going to get tougher. It does. It gets a whole lot more painful because there's nothing you can do but watch it happen, not one d**n thing.
There were times, like that one especially, where I wished to God that alz could manifest itself into something I could get my hands on and beat the living s**t out of it. Robbed indeed. My mom and I didn't have some rosy relationship, but what matter? It sucks watching anyone, no matter who it is, go on this h***ish 'journey'. I used to think of a 'journey' as a fun, happy adventure. Now I associate that word with horror and negative things. Alz tortures everyone it comes into contact with.
Reddog, I am so sorry. I was glad to hear that being reassured that she would be taken care of helped calm your MIL. I can imagine how scary it would be to suddenly not be able to see. One thing I never wanted my mom to feel was fear. You're doing what you can and all you can. Your MIL is very blessed to have you there with her. I really hope she continues to stay peaceful and comfortable. And really, sleep might be a good thing. I see it as the soul craving what's outside the body and reaching for all those endless worlds it will soon know through sleep... I know, I'm weird, but that's how I envision it. **hugs**
Have a great day, ya'll!
Please find someone to comfort you. Blessings
I can't believe my sister is going to get away with this...she has the money in the family so she can do as she pleases. I told her I didn't want her to have POA and her response was a sneering "are YOU going to pay her funeral expenses then?"
horrible woman. I feel so helpless and hopelessly impotent. so angry. Mom does not deserve this.
Though what sister POA did about that same time was take mom to her financial institutions to have trustee position on accounts changed from mom to her having mom sign. That is called undue influence, and a criminal offense. The trust states clearly how the trustee position is to change and mom's signature is not one of them. Her turn with feet to the fire is coming. What she has done is enough to have her removed as a beneficiary, and funny thing is, she did all of this to try to protect her inheritance.
If your mother chose you as POA judges should not overturn that unless there are extenuating circumstances. Law in my state will not turn over guardianship in my state either to someone other than POA except in extenuating circumstances. That was your mother's choice when she was competent. You sister has the burden of proof since she is the one fighting your mother's decision. Can you call the lawyer and tell them your mother is fairly advanced with Alzheimer's disease? I would also get a geriatric case manager to come do an assessment on you mom and living conditions, prepare a report, and submit to the court.
You as POA have the right to use mom's money to retain your own attorney to protect your status and your mother's wishes. Check out the website AVVO, find a highly rated attorney in your area that has a significant about of their practice listed as litigation. You Do NOT want a estate type attorney. Look for a bulldog! On the site you can ask attorneys questions, receive responses, at no charge. It may be helpful in finding an appropriate attorney. If you were in my area I would know exactly where to send you.