This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
This is a rant, just for me. Right when I think my stress and anxiety can't get any freaking worse..
Last weekend, Sean took off. He was gone from Friday until Sunday. No problem. I just found out he spend the entire weekend with his ex girlfriend, Alia. No. Oh no. Oh please no. NO. **facepalm**
It's not that I dislike the girl. But I know bad news when I see it 1000 miles away. The second I laid eyes on Alia I just got a real bad vibe. I noted it and kept my mouth shut. My son is a grown man. He can date who he wants.
My mom was still alive and sound of mind when I noticed that Alia was hanging around and awful lot, and spending the night. That mess wasn't going over well with me. Then the bomb really dropped when I found out my mom had told that girl she could stay here. I lost it. I went off on my mom, asked her if she had completely lost her freaking mind.
Time goes on. A couple weeks go by. Then a month. This little arrangement isn't going well. Oh, everyone ELSE in this house was just peachy. I wasn't. I felt like a live wire my nerves were so shot.
Ok, I've never told anyone this, but I will tell you ladies. Because of all those crazy years taking care of my mom and dealing with whacked out sleep patters, I tend to be up and down at night. So. Alia is firmly entrenched here by now and she and Sean sleep in the front room of the house, the living room, which is right next to the kitchen. I can't count how many times I woke up late at night, came out to get something to drink, only to hear the two of them going at it. **cringes** BLEH! I felt so d**n uncomfortable in my own house. I don't care whose name this house is in. Legally, it might be Sean's, but in my heart it's mine because I'm the one who really cares about it and maintains it. Anyway, who needs that shit? That royally pissed me off. That's one of the main reasons I didn't want that girl living here. I mean, really? What parent wants to intrude on such personal things? I don't. I was mortified as hell that I had to discuss this, but I had to tell Sean that he needed to put an end to that mess immediately. I told him to take that girl into a car, into the woods out back, into a ditch for all I cared, but not in this house.
Another time, again, because I was up a lot at night, I walk out to the kitchen for a snack, Sean walks around the corner and doesn't see me at first and he's butt a** naked. I made some kind of hissing sound and immediately turned around. He was embarrassed as h**l and rightly so. I mean, really, if you have a room where you can shut the door, fine. But when you're sleeping in the living room in the middle of the house you can't go around butt a** naked and neither can your girl. I couldn't believe I actually had to explain such common sense.
Anyway, yeah, that kind of crap was bad enough, but this girl is trouble with a capital T in other ways. She's a serious drug addict. I know that for a fact, and Sean admitted it, too. She does major, hard drugs, like heroin based s**t and pops all kinds of pills and drinks, too. She's out of control, on a freight train straight to h**l. If she ran out of drugs and went through withdrawal, she was a curled up, groaning, shaking, puking train wreck on the bathroom floor. I remember the first time I saw that I was just shocked. She's so whacked out on drugs she's been in trouble with the law on several occasions, she's ended up homeless, she's lost job after job....this is major, full blown drug addiction to the nasty, ugly stuff that the devil gets people to manufacture for him. It's a horror of a life that I can't even begin to imagine. And frankly, I don't want it dragged into my world. I'm not without sympathy for this girl. I do feel very sorry for her. God help her. But she's not one to help herself. She's one to attach herself to a guy and take him for whatever she can get. That is obvious and very, very clear in her behavior. This isn't just me, being one of those controlling, jealous, weird mothers you hear about. lol This girl has major problems, serious problems, LIFE LONG problems, MONEY SUCKING problems, and frankly, I don't want kid sucked into this chick's game again. God, please no.. I literally feel a little sick. I know what kind of trouble chicks like this bring with them and nobody here needs any of this girl's destructive, negative s**t. Sean is no angel. He's still smoking spice. I can say, based on his behavior and speech lately, that he has cut back on it. At least that's something. But bring this girl...and her drugs...into this house, around me, and Sean's brother, ? What, then Sean starts doing other crap, dangerous, ugly crap, too? He was doing some weird s**t when he was with her the first time. To this day, he swears that he left his body and met and conversed with another, living being from another plane of existence. Sean swears he was in another realm and it was as real and you and I. Yeeeeah. I told him I didn't want to hear that s**t. It really pissed me off. Fine, I've smoked weed, and I've been drunk more times than I can count, but I never messed with crazy dangerous drugs, the kind that can and do kill people. Sean had to call 911 for Alia a couple times. She was having seizures, her heart stopped once after the medics got there... It's a h**lish world, the world of the heavily addicted. I don't want that craziness, and those demons, in my world. When hell freezes. And that's exactly what I told Sean. This, I'm willing to go to war for.
Thanks for letting me get that out. My blood pressure jacked right on up finding out that Sean is hanging around this train wreck of a girl again. God, enough. Not this. Please... Just....UGH!!!
I almost hate to ask this, but has Sean completed a last will and testament or a POA? So many things can happen in this crazy world we live in. Has he at least also put your name on the house?
I come home, plugged my laptop to the AC adapter, turned on my laptop, grabbed my book because it takes a while for my laptop to boot up. I get up after reading to the end of the chapter to type my password. My laptop was already opened, showing my desktop. I stared at it. I don't remember typing in my password. My laptop's battery is soooo old (both of it are age 6) that I can only run my laptop on battery for only 3 minutes. (I tried to find the original battery for this laptop but they don't make it anymore. I read that if you buy a generic battery it can cause a fire. With a bedridden person in the house, I don't want to take the chance of buying a generic. So, my laptop 99.9% runs by electric power.) So, I look at my battery output on the bottom right. It's on Full charge. I Rarely put my laptop on Sleep or Hibernate mode. I turn it on when I'm home, and shut it down when I'm leaving the house or going to sleep. I don't remember typing in the password of my laptop. I think I'm going crazy. I did bring it up to 2 different doctors and a neurologist. They all said that I'm too young to have dementia. I sure hope they're right because.. I really don't remember signing that 2nd charge at Kmart nor typing in the password to this laptop. I'm getting a headache. I'm going back to my book. Very exciting book. Scary too. {{he he..has to do with supernatural stuff..never learn..I'm terrified of the real deal and here I am reading it in the book...}}
And yeah, I understand what you're saying. I don't have a problem with the house belonging to Sean. I have more of a problem with the fact that he just doesn't seem to give a damn about it. I talk till I'm blue in the face, trying to get him involved in what needs doing around here, bills, etc, and he just blows me off. The homeowners insurance, for example. I asked Sean to get a policy, handle it. The house is in his name after all. But no. Days go by. He still hadn't called to get a policy. Then weeks go by, still no policy. I'm over here sweating bullets over something happening to the house and it not being insured and Sean just walks around like he doesn't have a care in the world. Asking him about the policy, which required a phone call, got me nowhere. All I got was 'I'll handle it', or 'Yeah, I forgot. I'll call tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Only freaking tomorrow never got here. I got tired of talking, said piss on it and got the damn policy myself. It's in both our names. And, this is weird, even though this house does belong to Sean, nobody will talk to him about anything. We got something in the mail from the insurance company, I asked Sean to take the paper to the office and handle it...which he actually did try to do. But then he came home and said that they wouldn't discuss the issue with him, that I had to go down there. Really? The paperwork clearly has his name on it, he's the homeowner! I don't understand it.
Anyway, I have the other house to go to, and yes, next week I'm going to insist we go see a lawyer and get that place in my name. I don't mind Sean having this house, and he can date and bring anyone he likes over here. I've never disputed that, nor do I have a problem with it. I just asked Sean to give me one month to get my stuff together, get the other renters out of the smaller house, before he brings that chick over here. He swears that's not going to happen. Yup. Whatever. Right now, he's thinking with his dick, which is never a good thing.
No, I have no problem with Sean having the house and me leaving. What I do have an issue with is watching my parents house fall into disrepair and neglect. And it would. And then there's the issue of all the losers that would be hanging out over here, passed out every night if I left here. The thought of my parents house turning into some kind of slop/flop house for druggies makes my blood broil.
Yeah, I have literally spent thousands of dollars of my own money to fix this place up. Had I waited for Sean to handle it all, which I did for awhile, nothing would be done to this day. You MUST adhere to a certain standard in this neighborhood or you start getting letters and threats of fines.
There is no way in hell that Sean could handle this place, and all that goes with it, by himself. He would sink like a stone because he's got his head stuck up his ass. He'd lose this place. Since we've agreed I get half the funds for this place if he sells it, I do have a stake in maintaining it.
I'm happy that Sean has this house, would love it if he found a really nice girl, got married, started a family....that's what he's supposed to do! I have no problem giving up my place here as queen bee. lol It's not that. It's just the fact that he's frankly hanging out with pure scum and I will fight him tooth and nail before he brings Alia here. Alia is a tattoo artist. She's damn good, too....when she can get to work, that is. Sean told me once that she was pulling in over $1500 a week. And yet, the bills didn't get paid when they moved out and got an apartment. Why? Because Alia's money went on drugs. Who needs it? You think I want someone like that in THIS house? Oh God, no. Hell no. That girl will utterly ruin Sean, and when a poor sap is thinking with his OTHER head, those kind of facts and details tend to be a bit fuzzy and unclear. Add drugs to the mix and someone could F you 6 ways to Sunday and you don't realize it until it's too damn late.
Anyway, yeah. I'll leave this place, Sean, all of it, in a skinny NY minute if push comes to shove. I'll let Sean, and this house, go to hell in a hand basket if it really comes to that, if he's stupid enough to get tangled up with that train wreck loser of a girl once again.
What the hell is wrong with people? THIS chick is the kind of chick I always warned Sean to RUN like hell from. I've taught both my boys what to look for in a chick that's seriously bad news, told them to run like a bat out of hell if they see those kind of signs. Well, F it. If he's that brain dead and hooks up with her again, more fool him and he can deal. I won't have any problems walking away from this if that's how it all goes down.
I'm starting to think of work. Trying to get a hold of the hiring manager at my old job to see if I can be re hired. If so, wonderful. If not, the job hunt begins. I've decided to take a class, too. It's about time to start living.
Thanks everyone, for all your wisdom. I really would be lost without all of you .
Hope your day is peaceful, and that your charges are peaceful.
Of course he's thinking with his other head most men do even the most upright and responsible of them. they may not DO anything but the thoughts are still there. So he's found a slut or maybe she actually isn't but she is certainly another adict.
Sean has money and is willing to spend it for his own pleasure so of course he attracts others with like interests.
Now why does he behave this way? I don't mean this unkindly but is he mentally ill? it does after all run in his family you have admitted that. You have never mentioned his father, well you have but just in passing, but is there mental illness in that side of the family too?
You can't save Sean. That is a very sad but obvious fact. You can be there to help him recover when and if he sees the light.
But first you need to take care of yourself and secure your future.
You know all this.
The house is all you have left of your past. It is old but right now is your only reality.
Let it go Barbara. it is not yours. Your mother gave it to Sean. you are hanging onto it like a rejected lover. The more you cling the harder it will pull away. This has nothing to do with Sean and his irrisposible behaviour. This has to do with your emotional health and your current inability to face the situation It comes under the heading of "be careful what you wish for"
The flood is coming are you going to be the little Dutch boy and keep your finger in the hole in the dyke for the rest of your life. The cavalry is not coming Barbara but there is still a horse in the barn. Run as fast as you can and throw a bridle on. No time for a saddle, junp on bareback and out run the flood. Don't look back as the house floats away. There are other houses but there is only one YOU. Love ya kid
Red, I laughed as I read your post. I did that, too.. several times. Now, before I go crazy looking for something, I tell myself to calm down, look at myself, then the area around me. If I don't see it, Then I can hysterically tear the place apart looking for it. Most times, I make a mess of the place before I find it - in plain view in another room.
I know .. harsh, harsh. You'll be doing it from love.
but lort I am going to miss her so much and I am going to feel so blistering guilty for this for a long time. My niece is begging me NOT to, she says she'll quit school to come help with her but I don't want to ask her to do that.
Will they allow me to visit my mother a lot or will they set hours? She's used to me sitting with her til she falls asleep...
my heart is breaking...this house will be so empty without her...
Best wishes, wanting. You have helped her so much, now it is time to take care of yourself.
I can't imagine the embarrassment of being in your 90s and all the things that you can't do anymore: especially if you pride yourself on who you are and what you can do. The soul will teach us to wake up and let go in a million ways, I guess.
It was wretched and horrid, and then she was gone. The void .. ugh. But at least she was no longer in pain (in her case it was bone cancer). Then we focused on celebrating her LIFE.
*more super hugs*