This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Laura if all else fails put on a short skirt and stand on a corner instead of putting poor hubby out there with a sign around his neck.
If someone told me I was going to daycare my reply would be "over your dead body" now if they said it was a quilting group, or art circle, or maybe learn pottery or perhaps to knit socks for the soldiers in Afghanistan I might be ready well before the bus came. Of course I would know I could show those old ladies a thing or two and probably was better than the instructor - but that's another story.
It's the same thing with "Diapers" That seems such a demeaning word and something to be ashamed of. that actually wouldn't personally bother me but it does others so if the trade names don't cut it how about "protective panties for those of you not familiar they are quite comfortable and the pull ups do come in pink these days.
So Ladee M you are going rock hunting just be careful not to steal anybody's rocks or you will get that training faster than you think!!!!!! Only one more night. that was what I used to tell myself on the last night of my 21 on call. 7 whole nights to sleep.
Don't even think of caregiving for those three glorious days. better fix the scar on the gnomes face too he might cast a spell, he's probably pretty mad already.
Read the article on end of life care for the patient with BPN this morning. that contains so much useful information and I learned a lot. When i was working we had frequent in service training some of which were mandatory such as the yearly infection control but I don't remember anything anywhere near as helpful as this.
I also downloaded the out of the fog book to my Amazon kindle but have not started reading that yet. I am constantly amazed at the new things I learn from the caregivers on this site. You are never too old to learn something new. at least it keeps me out of daycare
Sometimes God works in mysterious ways and this was his way of calling Mom home. There is no guilt about any of your actions either getting Mom the drink or not being there when she took that sip. You would not have been able to save her. The drs and nurses did what they were trained to do but God had other plans. You and your brother were able to share those two last peaceful days before she passed with no suffering. It was very hard to watch but you gave each other strength. you will cry that is a way of washing away the pain but have you thought that maybe Dad is also putting on a brave face every day for your benefit. Can you put your arms around him and let him know how much you miss Mom and maybe you can both grieve together instead of separately. stop dwelling on the way mom died and begin to remember as she was and all the things she used to do. Maybe starting to put together a memory book would help. Certainly some grief counciling would help. Most hospices have a grief councilor and you can use their services even though Mom was not a hospice patient. They also have groups where you can share your experiences or just sit and listen to others. Mom is in Heaven if she is looking down she would hate to see you suffering for something you did not do.
Blessings
Here on island, they have a respite services. You don't have to be dirt poor to qualify. All they look at is how critical is your care receiver and you the caregiver. Since I'm caring for a bedridden parent who is 'difficult', I qualify. Father's retirement and my income would definitely not make us qualify for 99% of these federal fundings for the poor. I call us the poor middle income family. But I am soooo glad that this local/federal program do Not look at income but based on the need. They provide for me about 5 or 6 Free visits to a therapist a year. And I learned a lot from this. {{HUGS}}
have to mess with shipping them. Now if I can just find a buyer for her Dewees Cochran doll, I will really be a happy camper...actually there is more stuff than that but that stupid doll cost 535.00 back in 83 and I can't believe there are that many people out there who would come close to that???? I really hope this is the last time I have to go through all of someone else's stuff and try to liquidate it...
STP, good to see you here, hope you come back and visit....
I am brain dead....closed my eyes at work and woke up when the day lady came in the door.... so going to bed... get caught up with everyone after a good sleep.... love and hugs.
STP, I saw a documentary in the International channel. It was a program about helping the older Japanese people. Instead of letting them just stay home and do nothing, they set up work programs for them. It was agricultural. They, themselves, harvested/reaped their plantings and made some income. They were so happy to be doing something useful and meaningful in their lives. You can see it when they were interviewed. All I kept thinking was.. if I squatted down like that, I won't be able to stand up. Someone is going to have to pull me up. Stamina....
So guess if I really want to relax and not think about caregiving.. I will have to stay home.... !!!!!
There have been and number of stories on the news in the past year or so that deaths from Alzheimer's are underreported. Docs are starting to use language that mentions the exact cause and qualifying it as "due to Alzheimer's disease". In order to receive priority for funding research it is very important that Alzheimer's be listed on the death certificate. That is the only method the medical community has to develop statistics from. Alzheimer's will cause bodily functions to shut down. The brain forgets to send the appropriate signals to keep functions operating. Just as many become bed bound because the disease has made them forget how to walk.
So, a lesson for all of us, when our loved one passes, make sure the doc lists Alzheimer's as a contributing factor if not the direct cause of death.
Laura - Good to hear from you. Good luck on job search. You gave me a laugh about your hubby. Take Care of YOU!!
Book - I hope you will feel better. I started using a netti pot last year and have been using it every day since. We have had a high pollen alert for weeks. They say that people should take a bath and put on clean clothes after they come in from outside. That would be a lot of washing for me LOL!! Take care of YOU!!
Assande - I am glad that your Mom can go to senior day care. Please take care of YOU!!!
Jittls - I am sorry that you are still going through so much guilt. For you to think shoulda, woulda coulda doesn't help you. How were you to know that she could not swallow. You have enough on your plate with caring for your father. I lost my mom three months ago. Every now and then I go back to right before she died. What could I have done differently? When I think of these times I tell her that I am sorry I did anything to hurt her. It makes me feel better. (Did I already post this?) I have been going to a grieving group and it is helping me. I hope everything gets better for you. Take car of YOU!!!
Hi there - Lots going on right now. My realtor finally is having an open house here on Sunday. I have my fingers crossed, praying to St. Joseph and even went to church and lit a candle. I am desperately in need of money right now. I have been accepted into a program with the parish (county) for everybody else. They are going to help me get a job. I need your advise on something. You all know that I do not get along with my brother. Well, last time I talked to him he was very depressed. More than any time I remember. He told me that his world is falling apart. I mean he was really upset. I have not heard from him in a week. I have texted him twice and he has not contacted me back. I thought that when I text him about the open house he would surely call me. I am worried but I am so mad at him I really do not want to call him. I think I will call his wife and ask her what is going on. I may be dramatic but I really do think something bad has happened. I really have a lot to do to get ready for the showing so you all take care of YOU!!!
The final phase of care is theoretically directed by the patient's PCP but once the patient is homebound they can no longer visit the dr. Hospiceinforms the Dr of any changes either at the time or in a biweekly report but these are seldom read by the Dr. The PCP continues to prescribe for the patient but usually as requested by the hospice nurse. The hospice medical directer does supervise treatment and medications but does usually defer to the PCP if he is reachable or has available after hours medical cover. The bottom line is that the patient and family are very dependent on the experience and expertise of the hospice RN. Not that is a bad thing because the RN gets to know them well and having regular contact can report changes both to the nursing supervisdor MD and PCP. For thos who do not know how hospice works depending on the patient load teams are set up and care for a specific number of patients. A small hospice may only have 30 patients and one team. Bigger hospices may serve several hundred in their area so have multiple teams and may have teams serving specific areas. Large or small they are all required to follow the same regulations and have the same services available ie social workers. I am only familiar with Medicare approved so do not know how the "for profits' work. It is a very complex structure full of rules and regulations which are costantly changing and provide many headaches. In my experience too the nurses are at the bottom of the feeding chain.
Just popping in to say hi everyone! I needed a little time away, some solitude. It's helping. I guess I just need time to pull my head out of my ass. I found out I'm rehirable at my old job, so I'll be applying soon. Wish me luck!
I hope all of you guys are doing well, and your charges are peaceful...at least for today. ;)
Have a good one, ya'll... Ciao for now!
Hope it goes well, good luck!
All hell broke loose here a couple days ago. Sean has hooked back up with his heroin addicted ex girlfriend. Man, I was so glad to hear that skank had moved to Texas and was out of his life, as I was thanking God she wasn't knocked up. Now, she's back and who's the first person she contacted? Riiiight. She doesn't give two shits about Sean, only about what he can do for her loser ass. We had a long talk months ago, hell, years ago, and he knows very well how I feel about her. I asked him not to bring her over here. I told him it would get ugly if he did.
So, I get up at 5 a.m the other day and went to make coffee. I heard Sean in his room, but I also heard a female voice as well. Having my suspicions, I immediately saw red. Sure enough, he had Alia over here. I went off. I completely lost it. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, 'Get that C**T out of here, NOW!' I was dropping F bombs left and right and I know she heard me and I wanted her to. When they came out here to leave, she was glaring at me and I stood up and got in her face and said, 'Problems, bitch'? She was trying to say something, but was so whacked on heroin that she couldn't get it out. I told her to get her nasty, skank ass out of my sight and to never come back. God, how I detest that nasty whore. She said, 'F you!' and I said, 'Who HASN'T F'd YOU?' Then she made some comment about how I didn't have this attitude when 'I was taking care of your mom'. I flipped the hell out when she said that. Get the hell out of here. When my mom said that bitch could move in here all she did was lay on her ass on MY couch, watch MY tv, use MY expensive stuff and perfume without permission, made messes she didn't clean, and otherwise did nothing productive, the worthless hag. And she expected me to do her damn laundry, too. I detested her on sight. She's 30 and looks older than I do. I feel sick that Sean has hooked back up with such pond scum. Even her parents don't want anything to do with her. She's going to suck him dry financially and then find a new supporter when Sean is broke. The whole thing makes my blood broil. I don't give a tinkers damn whose house this is. As long as I'm here, she won't be and that's the bottom line and I made that real clear. I scared the shit out of the bitch. I doubt she'll ever show her stupid face around here again and that's about the only smart move she'll ever make. She's on probation from the law, she's in trouble for stealing thousands from a previous employer to feed her addiction and God knows how many dicks she's sucked to get heroin. She makes my damn skin crawl. I have a fool and a moron for a son who can't see the writing on the wall. Well, she and her heroin addiction are HIS problem, I'll see him in hell before he makes it mine or his brother's. I told him flat out I'd leave if he wanted to start bringing her here, told him to tell the renters in the other house to get the hell out and I'd be gone and good riddance. But Sean knows, as I know, that he'd sink like a stone if he had to handle this place. God knows that nasty skank won't do shit. Whatever. As long as I don't have to lay eyes on her again, I don't care what he does with her. Stupid, stupid fool.
No worries he does not want you out he still needs Mommy to take care of things. Stand your ground. if he is not helping with chores like mowing, no laundry. Throw the dirty stuff back on his bed and shut the door.
He's headed for the big house if he keeps this up.Glad to hear from you again been wondering. Blessings
Got up this morning and no sister...she's not answering her cell or house phone. I left mother alone and went. I went ahead and signed a contract on a simple funeral...$7100. I paid $2500 down out of Mother's account (I have POA) and I will be making $120 a month payment until it's paid off. If she dies before it's paid off, insurance will cover the balance.
My sister told my aunt she wanted a vault...then when we told her that a vault would add a couple thousand to the cost she said she just wanted a casket that sealed. Well, mother wanted a wood casket but obviously a wood casket isn't sealable...so I called her from the funeral home...again she didn't answer so I called her husband, HE didn't answer either but she then called me back...STILL refused to participate, just kept saying mom told her to put her in a wood box and throw her in a ditch..soooo helpful.
at least now my Aunt knows what I am dealing with, Sis CAN walk away...she can choose not to deal. I don't HAVE that luxury. So I am stuck making these MAJOR decisions and all I have to look forward to is criticism and accusations of theft.
good luck. You'll need it. (6 billion people and THAT'S what he hooks up with...smh)