This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
LadeeM - I can't tell you how glad I am for you that you're going to be a gramma!! Woohoo! And, hate hearing about the difficulties at work and your fall. Be gentle with yourself, k? Sending over chocolates and putting in a referral for an angel's visit! Hope it comes soon!!
Book - *hugs* - SOS, huh? All you can do is your best and pray for the rest to come out ok. How did the shower head turn out? I'm curious, cuz if it works, I'll give it a try.
Lav - I'm a total cry baby. I'll cry at silly commercials. The worst, though, is anger tends to turn into tears and I just HATE that.
Red - the pic of your new bedroom looks so inviting! I'm sure you're enjoying the heck out of being alone again. About 12 years ago, I divested myself of about 90% of my belongings (so I could move into my beloved RV) .. I'd never felt the kind of freedom of allowing myself to get rid of all the "extra's" I truly didn't need and moving into a new environment. Like a weight off my shoulders. I hope you feel the same after your yardsale.
Sole - don't give up on the SSD. First, file for medicaid in your state and get a referral for healthcare under the Obamacare programs. Then refile for SSD. As you know, it takes a while .. may as well start now. As for your father's agitation, has the doc considered a UTI? Maybe it's time to re-evaluate his meds. Often a bad combination can be worse than none at all. *hugs* to get you through the rough times!!
SA - it sounds like things are calming down for you. How's the job search going?
Hope that those of you who celebrate Mother's Day had a good one. Me? Since my mom died 25+ years ago, it's THE hardest holiday of the year and I avoid it.
I'm still reeling from the fall-out of Edna's daughter's 2-week long in-home visit. She's bipolar, Deaf with a severe lack of communication skills and a persecution complex. Convinced mom loves everyone more than her (and couldn't be further from the truth); seems to look for all the negative things around/in life. It just hurts my heart to see it. My sign language skills are very basic, so we often end up having to write stuff down, but her 'english' is worse than my sign, so it's rough. We were nearing the end of her visit and out of nowhere that I could figure, there was a near altercation with her, as she exploded with a "you're trying to kill mother." {{See the look of stunned shock on my face!! Where did THAT come from?}} I was trying my best to calm the situation down when she began to scream at me to stop, stop, stop and she threw something and nearly hit me. Now, before anyone gets the idea that I'm being one-sided on this, just know that the siblings have been dealing with her form of anti-social behavior all their lives, such that one of them will not be in the same room with her or talk to her, and the other (the POA for Edna) is long-suffering and kind, but very aware. After the explosive behavior, I called the POA daughter and explained what happened. I really didn't know what to expect. She ended up driving 45 miles, picked up the daughter and set her up in a hotel for the remainder of her stay. What just *kills* me is her honestly believing that I'd do **ANYTHING** to harm her mom. Never. Never. Never. It's just breaking my heart. And now she's posting to Facebook that I'm a sick-o nanny. Ugh. I really do NOT care what anyone outside the family thinks of what I did or didn't do, but I just can't stand the idea that she's sitting there, at home, probably seething over it. Just. Ouch.
Otherwise, Edna is doing great and life continues to go on. Even got approval from the POA to renew the emergency cell phone contract for a year. Sort of a statement to the universe. And, in two weeks, I turn 61. Oh. Joy.
We know what we do ever single day, and night.... regardless if the accuser is nuts, it hurts....
I am not a crier Book, but when I get angry enough to cry... OMG... it's not a pretty sight.....my kids knew to run for the hills if I started crying... lol...
braziliansun.... I would have fired her on the spot.... I am a paid caregiver and it angers and frustrates me so many have such a hard time finding someone to come into the home that will simply do their job, and with compassion and empathy....
If at all possible, try to find an independent caregiver, not one from an agency, and check their referrals and do a background check.....as a rule, agencies are in the business to make money.... so if you can find someone who does this because they love doing it.... well, you will be blessed... let us know how this works out...
MrM admitted to ICU yesterday... now this is why, again, I am getting out of caregiving, I kept telling the daughter, it is pure blood I am removing from the catheter....everyday I am telling her the same thing.... so now he is in ICU, receiving blood transfusions..... all I can do is shake my head and wonder why I put myself thru this crap..... see, braziliansun, this is the other side of the paid caregiver... families that do not listen.
One more night and then again next week with the 60 hrs... the girl hired is off for these two weeks.... if the daughter doesn't find someone asap, I quit....
Love and hugs to you all..... this job is so damned depressing some days.... for all of us...
I sent a Facebook message to my 3 siblings, letting them know that Mom and I are meeting with an attorney tomorrow to set up a Lady Bird deed so that the house will come to me upon Mom's passing - something they all agreed to long ago. In the course of that conversation, I stated that Mom also wanted her share in a gas well to come to me. It's like 1/16 of a share, and pays her a grand total of about $400 a year.
Surprisingly, my oldest sibling threw a fit. It really floored me. She started her reply with "Ok, time to put my foot down..." - which, of course, instantly put me on the defensive and really hurt my feelings. She went on to say that she and the other 2 siblings have pitched in and helped out Mom and Dad through the years without expecting any payment, and that it was fine for me to have the house (she made sure to point out the renovations will increase its value - no acknowledgement that I am paying for the renovations myself), but that she thought the well should be split amongst the other 3 siblings and then can be handed down to their kids. Oh, and the house? It has a total taxable value of $14,000, and needs extensive renovation. The basement is unuseable as a living space, so we're talking a kitchen, living room, 2 bedrooms and a bathroom that's smaller than most walk-in closets. We're not exactly talking the Taj Mahal here. I will be thankful to have it, of course, but it's not like any of them wants it anyway!
I was floored. Still am. I am here night and day, 24/7, taking care of Mom. I pay for her clothing, repairs to the vehicle we use (which is in her name), extra work on the house, the renovations to the house, will be paying to remove the old trees that threaten to fall on the house with every storm, I run Mom to her appointments, I pay for gas in the van, I pay for all the groceries, I pay for her meals when we go out to breakfast every Sunday...I even pay for her damn incontinence pads. I clean up after her every single day, make sure she showers, dresses, keeps herself clean, gets out of the house now and then - which is far more than ANY of them do. But older sis wants to make this about the gas well, which, when split among the 3 other siblings, will bring them about $153 a year each - and then, when they hand it down to their children (sets of 3, 2 and 1 respectively), exactly how much do they think it's going to bring them?? A pittance.
Mom's wishes were for me to have the well, so it could help with the upkeep and taxes on the house when it comes to me. But if they want to go against her wishes, far be it from me to interfere. My feelings are SO hurt, though, that THIS is what it comes down to. A piddling $460 a year - and *that's* what she wants to take issue with??
Had a good cry - more out of anger than anything else. Now I'm just hurt. I can't stop shaking, and the tears are still coming from time to time. I can't focus on my work, which is HOW I pay for all those little extras for Mom - like the food she eats - this is not a good thing. I could just scream.
I talked with all 3 siblings by phone after the blow up, and it turns out older sis is the ONLY one that has a problem with the gas well going to me upon Mom's passing - says it's not about the money, it's about "the legacy". I get the concept of a legacy - I really do - but when it trickles down to the grandkids and they are getting $5-$10 A YEAR out of this, what kind of legacy is that?? They won't even know what it's coming from.
We've always been a 'get-along' kind of family, as far as such things are concerned, so my other 2 siblings and I are floored by the way older sis came across with this, saying she was "putting her foot down". When I called the other two, they were both saying, "Where the heck does this all come from??" - so I'm not the only one befuddled by it.
The bottom line is that this asset will be split amongst the other three siblings and they can do with it what they will - I am stepping out of it and don't want anything to do with it. Mom's life insurance - which she didn't have until I made sure she got some, which was no easy task given her health/weight/age - will also be split equally after the funeral expenses. We're not talking about a huge amount here, but after today, I'm not making another mistake like "assuming" everyone is in agreement with who gets what. I guess I'd better not tell older sis that I've donated some of our late dad's clothing to a charity...she'd have an issue with that too, I'm sure.
it sounds as though it is time to stop doing things like CT scans. Ask yourself, if she has had a stroke what are they going to do about it. You already know she has terminal bone marrow cancer so why not stop dragging her to Drs and let her rest quietly spend whatever time she has left in peace. At this point it does not matter if she does have Alzheimers, it is going to outlive her. There is a time to fight and a time to let the Lord take control
But you are BRILLIANT to have called them up straight away and talked it through. Goodness I envy you being able to nip that situation in the bud so well.
I still think it's bloody cheeky that you don't get in any way properly compensated. But, yeah ok, I can just about see the wanting to have something of mother's passed down point. Hasn't she got any pretty china or anything instead?!
Be careful with that clothing, she may decide she wants it for the kids Halloween costumes. LOL! It is absolutely amazing how low some siblings will go with all of this.
The other 2 siblings literally said they don't care what I do with it - that I was the only one who stepped up to the plate when it came to taking care of Mom (and Dad before he died) - that none of them could or did - so they had no problem with the well going to me, but I told them I want no part of it now. Now that I know it's an issue for older sis, I'm going to tell the attorney tomorrow to split it between the three of them and leave me out of it.
It did feel good to have the other 2 siblings acknowledge what I'm doing here with Mom, at least. If I can't get their help, at least there's that. I guess I'll take what I can get.
Legacy...I told Mom, to me, the legacy is in Dad's Barbershop Chorus uniform still hanging in the closet...in the wood floor he painstakingly pieced together in the garage from scraps of wood...in the cedar chests he made for each of us girls for our 16th Christmas with his own 2 hands...in the dollhouse he made me for my 10th Christmas...in the photos and memories we have - the good ones, at least. There are plenty of bad memories, because of our family's unique situation, but I choose to focus on the good as much as possible.
I fail to see what kind of "legacy" lies in a nearly dead gas well, that when it's filtered down through the kids, the grandkids and then the great grandkids, will be reduced to nothing. You can only split a 1/16 share so many ways, folks.
LadeeM .. yeah. Just yeah. And, it also hurts my heart on the daughter's behalf. I keep getting the feeling that the woman is so unhappy, she just doesn't know what to do with it, and there's literally nothing I can (or the family, from what I'm told) can do about it. It's got to be a horrid way to live. Unfathomable.
SusanA .. if it were me in your shoes, I'd be tallying up all those expenses you're absorbing, and forward them as a future bill against the earnings of the well. Oh .. and don't forget to add the cost of your time. Or the cost of what you're saving the family for caring for your mom. Let it ring home, at a real level.
Meanwhile, on the home front, my sis is all excited about a new business opportunity she's venturing into (rather viable on the face of it, but that's not the point of my post). And she's planning our future. Twin trailers and rocking chairs and visits to Las Vegas and Ireland. I'm sitting there, listening and thinking, "Did you miss the part where I want to go live, by myself, alone as a hermit .. out in the desert somewhere?" Does anyone listen, any more? ::rolls eyes::
Have a great night, everyone.
About 2 weeks ago, the govt caregivers were putting the lifter sheet on wrong. Don’t they know what a lifter sheet is for? To LIFT! Yet, they all (different person each day) put the lifter from his waist down! My dad weighs more than me. Sometimes, he cannot even turn. So, I run to the other side, lean over, grab the sheet opposite me, and pull it towards me, to help him turn. Now, how am I suppose to do this when the lifter is on his butt only??? So, in frustration, I told father very firmly to Tell them where the lifter is suppose to be. Right where his underarm and down. Then I told sis. Because sis doesn’t really care much of anything. I told her that if dad touches his poop, he will spread it all over his back. Since the lifter is on his butt, the poop will be on the bedding. I looked at her and told her straight out to tell them where the lifter is suppose to be. Threatening sis that dad’s poop will be all over the bedsheets, pillows, etc is Incentive for HER to make sure they do it right. She Does the Laundry from Mon-Fridays. Well, since then, the lifter is positioned correctly. No more from his butt down.
I soooo agree with what Gladimhere told you. I would keep everything that your siblings said. Trust me, what they Tell you now, it will change when mom passes away. It doesn’t matter if they have their own homes. They will want that house of mom’s for Their Own Child! My aunty did this when their mother (grandma) died. She tried to get the house away from her brother who was caregiving their mom all these years. (Did a lousy job though. He ended up marrying the paid caregiver, she got pregnant and completely slacked off on caregiving grandma.) So, watch your back. And Document, Document, Document.
FYI, I’d HIDE your Dad’s Barbershop Chorus uniform in your private bedroom. I wouldn’t put it past your sibling to take it – especially if someone lets it be known that you want it. She will want it too. Hide it! If you can’t, then please take a photo of it. In case it disappears, you will still have a picture of it to bring happy memories.
KayBee - Not me. You might want to ask that question separately from here if you want a wider audience. On the right side of the screen, is a box with the blue sign “Get Answers.” Try that. I think you will get more answers that way.
Hi Dinglehopper! Welcome to AC. I haven’t … well father hasn’t reached that stage where he asks the same question over and over. He just keeps getting the time of day mixed up. Every time he wakes up, looks at the clock and then thinks it’s morning or lunch time. But, I met my sister’s mother-in-law. She repeated the Exact question, and comments to that question – over and over and over again. After 1 hour of it, I was very irritated. Especially on such a sensitive subject for me.. “Are you married?” “No!?! Why not?” oh, the same question, comment – repeatedly for an hour!!!
Thanks LadeeM, LadeeC, Glad for making me chuckle as I read your posts.
Lots of great advice here. I'm all caught up now. Time to change pampers, shower and pay bills.
Mom you need to take a shower today. "I took one yesterday"! LOL
Yesterday was a busy day since according to her every experience in her life happened yesterday..LOL