This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Unless I find a black long gown, and do what you guys are suggesting. That one gown will be used for the next formal dinner I attend. Then what I will do is jazz it up with accessories. Maybe one dinner, I attend with a fancy shawl, the next time, an accessory around the waist, then the next time a nice pin bouquet on the dress or around my wrist, etc..... We will see after Saturday when I check out the clothes. Thanks for your ideas. I'm noting it on my kindle so when I go shopping I can figure out what to do....
Nuts to them - just wear something that makes you happy, then you'll feel good, then you'll look great. And how cool is that, to have this occasion to go to! Well done x
nothing wore than someone teetering around or arriving at the steps to the podium and not able to climb, it will look like Mt Everest with no hand rail. and worst of all if you fall and your dress flies up and exposes your neon underwear. is there time to order panyhose or could your brother send a pair from the States in time. Do the stores perhaps sell thigh highs that would work. Quit panicing or you will have all of us at it. Ask the capt i bet he wears Carhart wool socks till the first of July.
Veronica, I used to wear medium heels lots of time when I attended the weekly worship about 20 yrs ago. I had to stop wearing any kind of heels (sandals, boots, etc..) when the foot area (ball of foot?) near my toes started hurting so badly, I was limping. I've been "breaking it in". I am now 99% sure that I won't be wearing these heels. Even with the padding I bought for that area, I can still feel all my body's weight pressing down on it. And the pain. I may end up using the decent flat (no slanting) black sandals I wore at mom's funeral.
Tomorrow, lunch time, I will go to Kmart. Even 23 years ago, it was difficult to find stockings. I ended up ordering my supplies off-island. Worse case scenario, I will buy those knee hi stockings, go to the lingerie store and see if I can find something to help hold up the stockings so that it doesn't fall down as I walk.
Midnight now. Later.
Anyway. Scholl make these, I'm sure there are other brands too. But in any case nowadays I wouldn't even put on a pair of shoes that might hurt me; no, not even to follow my dream of being 5'10" ho ho ho.
Susan - I am glad it is over and done with. Who needs that kind of drama. Take care of YOU!!!!
Take care everyone!!!
Didn't make it to Kmart for lunch. I just remembered I needed to do something even more important.
Brandy, I don't think there's much you can do with sis. She's into power control. Completely. What you know - you must share. What she knows - is all for her only. What was your relationship when growing up? Was it always a power play? Baby sis - even at age 5 - got both parents around her thumb. She was always number 1 - ONLY. She got her way - and was completely spoilt rotten. She is still the same - number 1.
You have the option to decide what you want most. You know your sister best. What would it take for her to stop seeing as you a competition and more like a sludge? If you're a sludge, she may not mind updating you about mom. Whatever she tells you, you must never ever question her about it (as in contradict or censure her.) Your sister needs complete 100% control over your mother. How far are you willing to "stroke her feathers" until you feel like throwing up? Like I said, how far are you willing to go? And there is always the likelihood, even if you did all this - she may still not trust you. Again, based on your past relationship dealings and any hard words spoken to each other.
If anything, you may want a wider audience, by posting your own question.
Have a good time! And congratulations you must be doing well!
Brandy, one thing you could do when your sister sends you an offensive email is send it back to her with the comment "Read this. How would you like it if it were sent to you?" I think that - I know I'm guilty, here - sometimes we should listen to ourselves, watch ourselves, to check how we're behaving… and possibly we might think twice the next time. You never know, it might pull her up short.
The NH is pulling a bit of a fast one in refusing to give you ANY information about your mother, unless your sister has instructed them not to (in which case she's being even more bonkers in expecting you to report back). POA or no POA, you're still her daughter, she's still your mother, and you do have a right to ask questions. Strictly medical matters would be subject to confidentiality regulations, true, but general welfare? Activities? Mood? How she's getting on, on the whole? Feel free, and expect civil answers to civil questions.
Like 'they' won't be in the nursing home...like she's gonna be SOOO much better off there than with me. She won't be eating what she wants, having her own private room or hoarding money in the damn nursing home. Nor will she have her doctors.
I blew up at her...screamed and yelled and cried. Told her she has never loved me and of course she'd rather have strangers take care of her than me...
it's not been good.
I completely misunderstood dementia when I was thrusted into the role of caregiver. Not really seeking to be caregiver, but felt obligated as a daughter. I thought dementia meant loss of memory, and not able to recognize places or people or lack of understanding and physical limitations due to aging. I did not know it came with behavior issues too, such as resisting care, verbal abuse, unjustified complaining , paranoia, delusions, and hitting. I've experienced it all with two parents. Sometimes both going on at the same time. As much as I wanted to be helpful, loving, understanding, I realized that I was way, waaaaaay over my head and need professional assistance. They are both in assisted living. They are angry about it, but it's saving my sanity...Thanks for listening...just needed to vent.
Shilo8 I think that's a pretty good idea. I know I was appalled when I toured what my sister (the nurse that has dealt with them) termed 'the best she knows of' and found the bed they were offering my mother has sheets on it covered in fecal stains....this is their 'selling' bed? they couldn't find a clean sheet? I don't want my mother in that situation.
Assisted living is not as fully staffed as a NH. It is for someone that needs little supervision. Most places have websites were you can gather information before you visit. Type in assisted living or nh in (your area) and see what is available. You don't have to commit to any of them even if you visit.
It's bewitching hour.. "You have no sympathy for me" "as long as I'm quiet", " there's no one here " blah, blah, blah...
And Ladybelle, kudos to you for knowing you were in over your head.... working with Alz/dementia is like Dante's Inferno of Alz.... so many levels its daunting....that's why I am so burned out I can only talk to you like YOU are the one with Alz....If I didn't come here, I would not know how to talk to people at all......
Did I tell ya'll I'm gonna be a grandma???? OH Yes, I sure did, but I am sure I will repeat myself again and again and again as this is the environment I am in all the time..... lol.... love and hugs to all of you....