This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
And just in case, I'd start looking in the phone book and googling about the realtors in your area. Research it, take notes. Just so that if something happens, you can flip open that little notebook and say that you've been researching and find so-and-so from this-that-company. And you won't be bluffing because you already did the research and that so-and-so is Your Plan B.
CM, I soooo totally agree with you. I sure miss when I used to live by myself with just the 2 bedridden parents. The sinks (all of them) were clean, the trash was taken out, I swept the floors, etc.... When sis came, I figured that she was going to help out and so I stopped sweeping. As for the sinks, sis keeps clogging up the bathroom sink with bits of food. As for the kitchen sink, my 23year old niece washed the rice pot. She took out the strainer and the sink clogged up from the rice and other food that she allowed to go down the drain.
Goodness, I think it's the sheer rudeness and the sheer unreasonableness and sheer bloody high-handedness that would make me see red. I had a similar - not as bad - time a couple of weeks ago, very busy day, viewers coming at 11:00, mother off to a slow start, laundry all over the place, and while I was rushing around trying to get the house in a fit state for the potential buyers I thought "hang on. Ex wants to sell the house. Estate agent earns a big fat fee. How come it's ME cleaning up, and ME showing these people round? Bollocks!"
Happily the viewers were extremely nice people and all was well, but it did make me put my foot down. Any further viewings are to be guided by ex or by estate agent, but not by me. Not doing it. They can like it or lump it.
So, hand the thing over lock stock and barrel to your realtor and your brother, and let them deal with viewers. And then, if they're idiotic and discourteous enough to turn up without adequate notice to you, they'll have no one to blame but themselves if they don't like what they see.
One for the ages, isn't it… how to get brothers to treat their sisters with a modicum of ordinary decent manners. Fume.
One of those days...the kind that mom keeps asking for the same thing even after I give it to her. "Can I have a piece of toast with PB?" (peanut butter) "Can I have a piece of toast with PB now?" "Now can I have a piece of toast with PB?" "Is it time for me to have a piece of toast with PB on it?" "What can I have for a snack, a piece of toast with PB?" "Is there anything I can have for a snack like a piece of toast with PB?" This morning after she had the toast twice already she asked again. I smiled and gave her a hug. She hugged me back. Then she said, "That was a hug, not a piece of toast with PB!"
Help me, please!
You are quite right if ex wants to sell house he has to work at it too. Buyers decide on a house within the first minute so first impressions are essential. The ex can clean the windows and cut the lawn for starters. if a house in not occupied they will put a lock box on the door with your permission and then the realtors come and go and avoid the selling realtor because they don't want to alert anyone that there is interest in the property. It is also much better if the owners are no where in sight.
house clean, uncluttered and smelling sweet. All evidence of pets hidden nothing worse than a litter box under the table and cats everywhere. A pie or bread baking gives a nice homey feeling especially in a country home like yours CM, and that monster stove is wonderful "every home should have one" I did have a real estate licence about 20 years ago but have also been closely involved in renovating and staging houses recently. it is essential to price ones house not more than 10 % higher than comparable homes in the area and be prepared to take less. I have found that the earliest offer you recieve even if you don't like it will probably be close to your final price. Of course you will get ridiculously low offers and you just send them back.I really enjoy staging houses and if I was younger that would probably be my next career. I am pretty good at refinishing furniture and reupholstery so it is all fun. Not for You CM and Lav but this too will pass.
You are quite right if ex wants to sell house he has to work at it too. Buyers decide on a house within the first minute so first impressions are essential. The ex can clean the windows and cut the lawn for starters. if a house in not occupied they will put a lock box on the door with your permission and then the realtors come and go and avoid the selling realtor because they don't want to alert anyone that there is interest in the property. It is also much better if the owners are no where in sight.
house clean, uncluttered and smelling sweet. All evidence of pets hidden nothing worse than a litter box under the table and cats everywhere. A pie or bread baking gives a nice homey feeling especially in a country home like yours CM, and that monster stove is wonderful "every home should have one" I did have a real estate licence about 20 years ago but have also been closely involved in renovating and staging houses recently. it is essential to price ones house not more than 10 % higher than comparable homes in the area and be prepared to take less. I have found that the earliest offer you recieve even if you don't like it will probably be close to your final price. Of course you will get ridiculously low offers and you just send them back.I really enjoy staging houses and if I was younger that would probably be my next career. I am pretty good at refinishing furniture and reupholstery so it is all fun. Not for You CM and Lav but this too will pass.
A nap, I know at first it has to be hard, almost keeping one ear open... but was happy to hear you enjoyed your day.... just take it easy for a little while.. I can tell you like to be busy.... but give yourself a much needed 'time out'.... hugs to you !!! And chocolate !!!
The agent wants to put a For Sale sign up outside. I've been against that because if people come knocking at the door - and they will, no matter how big the 'strictly by appointment only' lettering is - and I don't happen to hear them then mother will be leaping out of her chair to go and answer, and it's incredibly dangerous. I've agreed to try it: I'll persuade mother to sit in her other little living room, which looks onto the back garden; and the first time somebody knocks without an appointment that sign comes straight down again.
But mainly, you know what? I'm just not going to watch this pot.
Shiloh, I have to ask, was the snack for mom or the bear?
A little background: I spent 30-odd years working in admin fields, was very good at my job and generally enjoyed my work; when I got bored, I moved on. Never borrowed any money. Held my own. I decided at 50-something to venture into odd jobs and self-employment. When I truly realized that I'm not entrepreneurial material, decided to go back to the work field. Hit that age/glass ceiling that no one will cop to. One look at my resume and I got responses like, "I feel like I'd be getting a Gucci bag for the price of a walmart knockoff." Yeah ... like I care! Hire me. Making a longer story, shorter, the next 3 or 4 years I took the odd jobs I found and managed to make my expenses, still holding my own. Economy gets worse, and everything I'd done resulted in no long term employment, all my savings were tapped and I finally reach out for help. Now, when I say "every thing I'd done .. " that meant EVERYthing possible, with the exception of literally walking door to door (which in this day and age is simply not an acceptable way of applying for a job). Want to guess my family's response? It wasn't pleasant. It was NOT supportive. I did my best, and landed here (thank the gods) and all turned out well, including a span of time actually homeless (an experience I treasure, btw). I also believe in Karma.
Within the year of my reaching out to my family and being spurned, every one of them lost their job or their business. My sister, the judgmental thorn in my side, lost her job to attrition, got unemployment for 3 years, plus had a healthy retirement fund. All the while she was on UI, I kept prompting her with suggestions: "Check out their retraining programs before the program ends." "Have you checked to see if you're eligible for disability? Might want to get on that before the funds run out." I'm just the older, know-it-all sister, but what do I know? She spent down her savings, ran out of UI, decided to apply for disability and is now crying. A lot. I'm being very supportive and doing what I can. I said something like, "Yeah, I can relate." and it went in one ear and out the other, like I never said it. Like I didn't have a similar experience. Like she's the only one who ever suffers pain. *sighs* Karma.
As I read your words, I felt the hurt in my chest. Sheesh, I'm crying. You reminded me of the pain I went thru. It's like my therapist said, "Your siblings just keep burning you." {{{Hugs}}}
I’d gladly swap dementia for some of those,
Yes, that with Alzheimers I’d happily switch,
Even if it meant mum-in-law was a complete bitch…
If I could swap with dementia, I really wouldn’t mind,
She could criticise my cooking whenever we dined,
She could my lax housekeeping openly deride,
If it meant no Alzheimers, I’d take it all in my stride…
She could give me dilapidation cream on Christmas Day,
I would smile and say thank you – keep conflict at bay,
She could imply I’m not good enough for her beloved son,
Still better than Alzheimers, when all’s said and done…
Could disapprove of the age gap (though got a point there),
As long as she had her sanity, I just wouldn’t care,
She’d be quite welcome to never let me forget,
That I have not made her a grandmother yet…
She could make little put-downs and snide remarks,
I’d just smile to myself as she attempted to snark,
And in private husband and I fun would poke,
Rehash all the old Les Dawson mum-in-law jokes…
But the Alzheimers relationship is somewhat perverse,
All of the usual in-law power play is reversed,
She can’t afford to niggle, nag, criticise,
Cause she knows that upon us she completely relies…
Oh, would it really be too much to ask,
To have just the usual mum-in-law battle-axe??
While I’m sure that would prove it’s own misadventure,
It’s still better than a mum-in-law with dementia…