This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
AandA - I like taking Mom shopping so she can get out of the house, but the problem is that she just wants to buy junk. She'll buy some fresh fruit, but no veggies, and then it's chips, pop, candy bars, cookies and sweets. She'll want sugary cereal and then never eat it (and neither will I), and the ice cream bars...holy cow can she go through those!
Book - be careful with that stuff! Could have been your eyes that got hit, not just your skin.
Lav - hang in there - I wish I could offer some other advice than that...the sibs are so hard to deal with sometimes.
Shilo - your post about the PB on toast made me laugh. Mom is SO food-focused, always looking for something to eat and asking me to make her something - but then we play the guessing game. I ask what she wants, and she says, "I don't know, what do we have?" - so I run down the list, and she says none of it sounds good. So I ask again what she wants, and again, she says, "I don't know, what do we have?" - until I finally suggest something (or three things, as she keeps turning each one down) until she finally decides on something that's acceptable.
A little concerned about myself today, physically-speaking. I had a bad rollover accident about a year and a half ago (hit black ice on an otherwise clear road and rolled the van 1.5 times into a ditch). The seatbelt came up around my neck and all of my body weight was thrown against the seatbelt as the van rolled over, which caused the seatbelt to cut into my neck. I had a nasty cut across the front of my neck, and the gland on the left side of my throat swelled up immediately after the accident.
I've noticed since then that the left side of my throat keeps feeling like it's closing up or swelling, and sometimes I have difficulty swallowing. Today is definitely one of those days. I feel like I can barely swallow, and it's only on that side. I've had a soft tissue study (xrays) done on that area to ensure there was no damage to the gland or the tissues around it, and they all came back negative, but I'm still having problems with it.
Getting a little frustrated with this...
Scary accident, for sure! Sounds like you weren't injured too badly.
It *could* be allergies - just odd that it never happened before the accident, but since then, it happens often. Could be just a coincidence, I guess. I do have allergies and 'tis the season for them.
I'd never been in such a severe accident before - it was definitely frightening and not something I want to do again. I still deal with some neck issues and had a blood clot form in my leg, but other than the expected bumps and bruises, I came out of it ok. My idiot SIL, who refused to wear a seatbelt, despite my asking him to (he told me he would buckle up, but never did), didn't fare as well, and filed a $30,000 personal injury claim against my auto insurance - and won. (Took him and my daughter all of 4 months to run through every penny, with nothing to show for it - but that's another story.)
Guess I'll take my allergy medicine and see if this nasty feeling in my throat goes away - thanks for the tip.
"Can't you make wine from daisies? I suppose not - there are too many of them. And someone would have done it by now."
I opened my mouth to reply and closed it again. Eh???
But then again, she's paying meaningful attention to the French Open tennis tournament, which is a big improvement on last year when she frankly didn't have a clue. Perhaps she can only be completely lucid about one thing at a time.
LadeeC - Several things went through my mind when I read how you were doing today. Understanding as I have walked in your shoes...well maybe not YOUR shoes. Empathy doesn't seem to exist with useless siblings. What comes around goes around or what goes around comes around...whatever! The whatever was to myself. Hope you have a better rest of the day!
Could you put MIL on a slope by the lake and forget to put the brake on?????????????.
Would the SILs respond to guilt?
They are living in luxury and MIL is living with you in a trailer. Does't Mom deserve better than that???????????
You can actually refuse to take care of her anymore, others have done it before you. if the money is there to pay she can go into a nice facility. Failing that it is perfectly OK to use Mom's money to hire a caregiver so you can get more respite. Just tell them don't ask. not easy but if you don't stankd up to them they will contin ue to walk all over you.
Blessings
Turn, Stand up, pat yourself on the back for what you have done already for your MIL! Now it is time to get some help. It can either be the MIL's children helping out or in home care. If her children don't want or can't spend the time then they can spend the money for home care. Either way they need to step up. You have opened your home (not to mention your heart) to your MIL. How dare her children abuse you as they have done!!!!! Please don't let it continue. You don't have to say but I am curious who has financial POA. Whomever does should step forward and work something out about paying for a caregiver. If they are unwilling to pay for it then I would have no problem letting them know you are no longer willing to have her stay at your home. Hand them NH brochures and give them a time table for them to make up their minds, caregiver several times a week or permanent placement in a facility. Don't let it take over your life anymore. IMO I would pick a caregiver over the children coming to help...the less I see of the ungreatful useless oh sorry there I go ranting but the backspace button isn't working at the moment. oh well, submit
One thing I decided to do with this new year, was remove the toxic people from my life..... family members on the top of that list.... and some good healthy detachment from my oldest son...... I feel a deep peace that I have not felt for a long time....and along with that, another level of self honesty.... liberating and isolating at the same time.... learning how to 'be' in the world and not taking any crap off of anyone.....
The only issue in my life where I experience turmoil is with my work.... last night, L decided to take her bath at 2am, as opposed to 3am.... but I just let her do her thing, made sure she didn't fall, and let her live in her own little world... but we all know I don't want to be there, so, it's up to me how much Im going to let my emotions rule my time there....
Turn.... I like what Veronica said about saying anything that you need to, sans offending anyone else.... this thread was started because of very hurtful things said on another thread, years ago.... and because we maintain a sense of dignity for our self and others, we are still here, making new friends, laughing and crying together...... it is a safe place, and collectively we keep it that way..... so welcome again to YOU and hope you find what you need here....
It has been raining all day.... beautiful sleeping weather and we need the rain... so maybe I won't go to work tonight with a scowl on my face... then put the happy face on when I walk thru the door.....
Love and appreciate all of you...... Service Veterans are not the only ones who should be honored today.... Caregivers need a day too.....hugs, love, angels and chocolate..
Hi everyone - Bro called again this morning and acted like nothing had happened. Well, he started telling me how to look for a job. Which I am doing. Then we started talking about the realtor and how I told him that he did not have a problem with me calling him right back. I told him that he was treating me like a child. You can imagine what he said. If I acted ike an adult and answered my phone he would treat me like an adult then hung up on me. Now who is behaving like a 2 year old. So, today I called my phone company and had his number blocked from my phone. I have had enough stress in my like and after Saturday I was a nervous wreck. I did think about it before I did it but not for long. I don't want to be in the room when he finds out what I did. LOL Take care!!!
Shiloh - Isnt it strange that you can fix them a great meal and they want something else/ At least it was something easy. Take care of YOU!!
Veronica - Yes, it will pass eventually. thaks Take care of YOU!!!
Turn - Welcome. You will find a bog dysfunctional family in here. We laugh, we cry, we vent and we make friends. Take care of YOU!!
CM - I have heard of Elderberry wine but I never heard of daisy wine. I an just see you trying to get some essence from the daisies. Hey, maybe you can use of garlic press. lol Take care of YOU!!!
Susan, My neck hurts just thinking of the pain you discribed. I hope the allergy med has helped. If not, document all you are going through and keep in touch with your physician. I too go through the shopping "trips". I go shopping by myself several times a week. Once in a while I take my mother but tell her we only need fruits and vegetables so we don't need to go in the other isles. She still manages to pick up bags of nuts and bottles of wine. I don't know why I am laughing but that sounds funny. I feel guilty only taking her partial shopping but we do not have the money to buy all the things she sees. I hide food in my room otherwise it is gone in one day. You can probably play that game in your sleep about what do you want to eat. I bet you know what she will pick most of the time.
Red, I hope you have been relaxing and getting some ideas about a new hobby or adventure.
Lavender, Don't you wish you could be a fly on the wall for that one moment he finds out what you did? Good for you! Keep taking care of You!
Lav - your brother really pissed you off! I guess he pushed and pushed until you finally reacted. Good for you.
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Dysfunctional parents use FOG fear obligation and guilt to manipulate others. Practice recognising these and not reacting to them. Detach from her and set boundaries.
some ideas about detaching -
Accept that they are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react
Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
As the disease progresses you may need to change your tactics.
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First you need to learn to detach with love. You can learn about this by googling it. It does not mean you don't care or have no feelings. What it does mean is that you learn this person has a history of using emotional abuse to control your feelings. Once you learn to stop letting that happen, you can detach, not feel the pain as harshly or the impact of her words.
She will use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG). The fear is the threats of disowning you, cutting you out of her life and you will not get the relationship with her that you desire. The obligation is you are my daughter, you should be doing this for me like everyone else's children do for their parents...so and so's daughter does...blah blah blah! The guilt.....I did this for you, I sacrificed that for you, this is how you repay me!!! Once you recognize the cycle that brings out the FOG, you will see that your mother will be fine without your intervention for every single crisis she has going on.
Next....do not do things for your mother with the intention that she will appreciate it. She will never appreciate because she believes she is entitled to it. Only take care of her physical needs....not her wants. Is it necessary that you send half a day running around looking for certain colored pillows or a pot for a plant? NO it is not. Does she need to have her toenails trimmed and a haircut...yes.
Learn the difference between needs and wants and stick to it. Believe me...she will put up a big fight about it, but she will get over it in a few weeks. Learn to detach...very important.
Off to take my mother to PT (physical therapy). Have a good day everyone.
I can't remember when I started the 'chocolate' thing...I used to sign off with ... Hugs across the miles, and someone stole it..... but I call that the Caregivers Survival Kit..... Hugs, love, angels and chocolate.... who knows..... just me thinking I am unique..... lol
I have been ignoring L when she starts snapping at me... it's working.... she calms down,,, and things get back to normal.... and guess what ... no bath at 2am !!!! Progress, woot woot..... hugs everyone...
Asmith - I was a year on this site (2 years ago) in which I keep reading people recommending Teepa Snow. So, I got curious and decided to watch her YouTube videos. Oh my! I learned a LOT from her videos. There was so much info per video, that I wasn't retaining it. So, I decided to Take Notes on the videos. I did. And a lot of things I missed just by only watching. By note-taking, I caught even more new information. I like her mini series: Making Visits Valuable
I'd quickly click on this link and bookmark it.
youtube/watch?v=sUgPm8RMa48
Okay, Shiloh, I gave the info to Asmith.... all the while squinting as I type. Time to go.
P.S.. dad is at the stage now where he throws things out of frustration. He threw the cordless phone because he's now struggling on how to call out. He just now threw the small box of Salonpas.
As my mother and I got out of the car from her PT appointment this morning she said "I don't know which one of us was more off key on that song you or me." I replied, "That's a case were two bad keys don't make a good one." I'm sure all the neighbors could hear us laughing.