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Photo so sorry this is happening..Hugs..

Wanting hopefully the Dr will figure out what's going on with your Mom.. Hugs..
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Mother fell Thursday, I thought she was fine, she seemed fine..but yesterday she started stumbling, and talking incoherently..so I took her to the ER. She has a concussion...they think..or it could be another stage of Alz. They don't know, she is able to understand us but can't express herself much. Some sentences come out ok but most of the time she uses the same noun for everything. Last night it was 'care' so everything was 'there's care out there, where is the care, care is care...'

They dont' know if she is going to come out of it enough to come home. This may be the end of that stage.

She is in the hospital, my sister is with her. they said that someone needed to stay with her because she'll try to get out of bed...last night in the ER, she was distraught and very combative. twice she flung her legs into the rails trying to force her way through them. Screaming and crying..she doesn't want to go to a NH, she says she'll run away and we'll never see her again, that she won't let any of us come see her, she doesn't ever want to see any of us again, she's worthless and has nothing anymore..

it is easier to deal with her when she's angry than it is to see her cry...it breaks my heart then I cry and that's no help for anyone. I try really hard to be stoic for her and the rest of the family but I did cry some last night. Particularly when she was telling my sister that I didn't want to stay with her.

I don't understand why God made dying and getting old soo hard for us.
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CM just locked up the cotton balls. Thanks for the heads up!

Wanting, dehydration can cause weakness leading to a fall. Confusion is also a symptom. Just thinking and wondering why she fell. I am with you in thought {hug} and hope things improve quickly for your mom.
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I hardly know how to begin. I want to cry, but I'm too tired. Too tired to sleep if that makes sense. My days are 16 hours long with my dad, and up during the night. This is even when he takes sleep and anxiety medication. I woke up at 7:30 this morning to go into his room, and he's not there. Looks like tornado hit his room. I go out to the living room, see my sewing machine-cabinet tipped over on the floor, and he's sitting on a kitchen chair with a huge bulging injury on his forehead. He's just sitting there. He cannot walk. I don't know how he got out here. He's almost 96 , he climbs out of his hospital bed, even through railings. I take care of him alone 24-7. I am completely drained. I have no help. I haven't had an interrupted night's sleep in months. I actually just had a 5 day respite, but I'm feeling so bad, it didn't feel like much of a break. I'm tired, I'm broke, I'm sad, I miss my friends, my kids,...I just want life to stop this. My dad has dementia, and cancer; and "wantingtime", I so understand, agree....why is getting old and dying so cruel. I know my dad doesn't want to be in a NH. Even though he doesn't know where he is, or who I am most of the time, I know he wants to be here with what's familiar. I can't do it anymore. I ache for him, and I feel I'm dying slowly myself. I have my own health problems that seem to be getting worse. Why won't my sisters visit him, or help me? I worry they won't visit him in NH if he was there. They didn't when he was there when I had my respite. I don't like complaining, but thanks for allowing me to write.
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solegiver, I also feel your dad would not want you killing yourself if he was aware of what is going on....and who cares if the sibs visit him or not.... and you aren't going to get any help from them either... so time for some hard choices.... I have to look at it like I am putting the 'disease' in placement... not my loved one.... it is cruel what this disease does to not only the person having it, but to the family... am sending prayers for you for a workable solution..... would you want your dad to do this for you???? No, your heart is too big.... so please, get the ball rolling for him to be placed..... it is time....
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solegiver, first, take care of yourself and your dad let the sibling worry about themselves. second, have your dad's forehead checked as a precaution just to be safe. third, is your dad's condition advanced enough for in home hospice? If not, there are other in home help agencies that could give you respite. Ask a case manager at the hospital for some information if you take your dad in to be checked out. If you can't sleep don't try, read a book (yuk), watch tv, listen to music or play a computer/solitaire games, etc. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to sleep and worrying about all the things you can not change. Distract yourself.
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It's so hard to read these posts. It will be 8 months in a few days since my mom died. A year ago today we were being transferred out of the intensive care unit where my mom got a trach because my mom couldn't come off the respirator on her own. Despite what my siblings said (not to do the trach and just let her die) I said no and we were transferred to a hospital for 30 days that specialize in trach care. I learned how to do the trach care, and I learned how to do the feeding tube in her stomach, and I learned how to do the oxygen, and I learned how to do all the other things that were new and that had to be taken care of. And when we came home in July - we went back to the zoo every week and we continued to embrace life. and now I can't. I CANNOT GO ON. I don't want my life without my mom.
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Wanting did they check Mom for stroke? You don't have to stay at the hospital to watch you Mom that is what they have nurses for. If you want to stay that is different
It takes up the time of a nurse and it is something they hate to have to do but it is their job.

Monday are you getting help. Your grief is far too profound for you to tolerate.
Please see your Dr and be honest about what is going on. There is help for you.
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Monday, do you have someone (like a pastor, priest, therapist, grief group) you can talk to about your grief? You don't have to suffer this huge burden of grief alone. Please reach out and find some face to face help and keep coming back to let us know how you are doing.
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I did not know Scrubbing Bubbles does not work on Sunday
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My husband is going to be released tomorrow and I will make a decision with the hospital coordinator tomorrow on what to do now. The good news is I have found a wonderful private home care today after visiting several. That bad news is they are full, however, the owner, who is a doctor, is opening another in a couple of months which may turn out to be longer (I am told) Our doctor treating him feels he may be a candidate for a short term psychiatric hospital until they can get him under control. By the way, he had a terrible rash that put him in the hospital and they are thinking it may be seriquill so they took him off that (I didn't think seriquil was good for him anyway) so they are trying to find the right meds for him to figure out what caused such a terrible rash while controlling him. So tomorrow I will get more info on what alternatives I have. Thank you all for listening....things always seem so much worse at night and usually better in the morning.
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monday, your mom would want you to move forward with your life. Try to focus on remembering the good times with your mother. I bet you could tell us a few if you care to share. I agree with comments the others have made about reaching out to someone face to face. Don't forget we are still here too.
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Wanting you are allowed to vent and most of us feel woe is me from time to time and when you have no one close to depend on it is hard-I now have a great man in my life who listens to my troubles but that was not the case when I was a caregiver and my late husband was not a nice person-going to your doc to get meds to help is the right thing to do and with the fine folks here you will be fine and before you know it you will be helping others.
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Shilo8, and ladeeM thank you for your comments....Yes, dad is on hospice. I called the nurse immediately, and she came over and assessed him. Decided he didn't need ERoom. I've been teary eyed all day. I know you're right. I know dad would not want me to be going through a hard time. I know he hates it that he's unable. I hate to admit it, but I think the time has come for him to be placed. It's going to kill me emotionally. I don't know how people do it. Why can't there be a better way, and easier way to take care of our loved ones.
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Solegiver, you must be utterly exhausted. I especially second what you said about respite: lovely while it lasts, but all you want to do is sleep and it's over before you've really recharged your batteries. Back rub to you, I can't think of anything to say that would help with that.

Except about your sisters: CALL THEM. What have you got to lose? I think very little of my siblings' efforts, too; and I know that feeling that if they were ever going to get their fingers out and help they'd have done it by now; but seriously - if there's any chance one of them could at least come and stay so that you can have a night's sleep, it would be something. Ask. If they say no, you're no worse off and at least you'll all know where you stand.

Big hug, hang in there, but do something! - you can't take much more of no sleep.
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D'oh! - that's what comes of not going to the last post before typing - Solegiver, I know it's hard but you didn't have a choice, and as you say the last thing your father would want would be to hurt you. God bless you, hope it all begins to fall into place for you.
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I have started watching a YouTube series by Teepa Snow and Leeza Gibbons called "Care for the Caregiver". The first one is about 20 minutes long, am thinking of sending the link to other family members. Any thoughts on that? Tjey can choose to watch it of not.

One thing mentioned in the video is that only one in five families make it through the maze of caring for a parent with dementia without destroying family bonds. Unbelievable,, but from what we all have seen here...
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Glad I would think the number would be higher than 1-5!
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One in five, eh? Well I take my hat off to those ones, that's all I can say.

Glad, I think it would do your family members a power of good to see Teepa's vivid and lucid explanations - only, I'm not sure I'd start them on that one. She's such a brilliant communicator it might be better to give them one of her 'dementia overviews' first as an introduction, then follow up with what they can do to help you. Just a thought x
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A&A and CM. I sent the link, this whole family dysfunction is really getting old, and costing so much money. Sisters won't even talk to guardian now, they are angry with her because it has been determined that mom is best at home and couldn't be doing better.

I too, wonder what in the world that one in five family knows and does that we don't know about. I would love to know where to find more related statistics somewhere.
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What I especially liked in the first "Caring for the Caregiver" video is them saying you do not need difficult family members. I think Leeza says "Just drop them". I'm all for that, maybe sibs will watch it and find a new understanding? Nope, not holding my breath, but anything could be an improvement.
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Photo, happy to hear the dr's are trying to get him settled before you have to take him home... and this new place, hope and prayers something opens up for ya'll soon.... lots of hugs...
Sole, I know this is hard, but so is what you are doing..... somewhere you have it in your mind you are abandoning him and letting him down..... that is so far from the truth...!!!! What you are doing is absolutely showing love to your dad.... you are exhausted and not really able to take care of him as you would like... and you will advocate for him in the NH.... visit, and have so much more to give him now ....... I wish there was some way we could make this easier for you.... but I also feel if you weren't so exhausted you would not be so emotional.... of course this is the last thing we want to do.... but it is time... or you won't be there to care for him, and he would end up in a NH with no one..... so keep coming back here and sharing.... we are listening, you are not alone....Hugs

Glad , I am glad you sent it to them..... maybe hearing it from someone besides you will get their attention.... and to me, this is about you not having any regrets..... at least you tried.....Hugs
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I am sure the 1 out of 5 families handling things together and working things out are families such as the Waltons, Flintstones, Rubbles, Jetsons, Simpsons, Ingalls and Adams Family (click, click).
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Perhaps the 1 in 5 is caring for a parent who is mentally stable, able to get to the bathroom and do at least some things for themselves?
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Another statistic is that 60%of caregivers die before the ones they are caring for-this woke me up years ago and I said to myself-I am killing myself for a abusive nasty man-not anymore and that is when I decided to place him -he had said no to adult day care and of course he said no to a NH but I told him it no longer was his decision to make.
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Ash-
My mom is able to get to the bathroom by herself, but this is one of the most bizarre dysfunctional family situations! Sibs just do not recognize the need for care for my mom. They went as far as paying a deposit for a facility, without discussing with ANYBODY! Then guardian is appointed to make residential decisions for my mom. She is in big trouble with siblings because it has been determined that my mom's welfare is best met at home, with day care. They have absolutely no clue!
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The grief off loosing so many clients these past two years, has hit my like a ton of bricks today..... I feel numb, shut down....and like I am watching and hearing from a distance..... been here before, so I know to let it run it's course....
I really believe one thing people do not really get about paid caregivers, is that we get close to those we care about , on some level... and deeper levels with some of them..we loose them and we go to the next job....
We carry our grief and scars to the next job..... keeping a tight lid on it so that it doesn't affect our being able to be 100% present for who we are caregiving for now....

And then life just says.... wait.... you are carrying too much undealt with feelings...... and that is where I am now..... I will still put the 'mask' on and go do what needs to be done.... but I really need to be able to cry for about two weeks straight and then just pick up and move forward..... don't we wish that life was more simple...... so, I deeply appreciate that I can come here and share... and read that others are going thru much worse than me.... and to simply be grateful that I am feeling sorrow and loss..... I'll get to the other side, I always do....but I am always so reluctant to share what is really going on with me.... so needed to take this risk, if nothing else to get some of it out of my head...... and to know I have a safe place to put it down for awhile.... love and hugs to all of you...
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LadeeM you a good woman. I have no idea how you have been able to keep it going this long..

I have my Mom to care for and I can promise you I will NEVER voluntarily do this again.

You have a big heart and it shows... Hugs..
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Ladee M you know how much love and caring there is here for you. As I see it you are an army of one as an independent paid caregiver. It is very lonely for you. The other caregivers are in competition not co-operation so there is little affection in the workplace and once the patient has died there is no oportunity for you to share your grief. The family has no more use for you, you were part of the horror that was their loved ones illness how could it matter to you. No one thinks you could have actually loved their loved one damaged as they were. After all they paid you to do what they could not or did not want to.
So your grief has gone unrecognised and you have managed to keep it under wraps so sometime somewhere it has to come out. Other nurses and caregivers are part of a team and have collegues to share their grief so the healing is possible. In the end there is only so much someone can bear and they either become hardened and callous or they have to stop. It is importent to know when to stop. Others may not be happy with your decision but if you know your self you will make the right one. Love and hugs my friend
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Assa and Veronica.... thank you both from my heart...... so strange that until I read about not having someone to share my grief with, did it dawn on me how alone I am sometimes in what I do.....so I am glad I took the risk to share here.... I don't share, for all the reasons that you talked about Veronica..... because I am a PAID caregiver and somehow I have managed to minimize my grief, even to myself.... until it hits me like yesterday.... and yes, I am getting out.... my plan is still in motion.....

love and hugs to you both for HEARING me.......
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