This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Wanting hopefully the Dr will figure out what's going on with your Mom.. Hugs..
They dont' know if she is going to come out of it enough to come home. This may be the end of that stage.
She is in the hospital, my sister is with her. they said that someone needed to stay with her because she'll try to get out of bed...last night in the ER, she was distraught and very combative. twice she flung her legs into the rails trying to force her way through them. Screaming and crying..she doesn't want to go to a NH, she says she'll run away and we'll never see her again, that she won't let any of us come see her, she doesn't ever want to see any of us again, she's worthless and has nothing anymore..
it is easier to deal with her when she's angry than it is to see her cry...it breaks my heart then I cry and that's no help for anyone. I try really hard to be stoic for her and the rest of the family but I did cry some last night. Particularly when she was telling my sister that I didn't want to stay with her.
I don't understand why God made dying and getting old soo hard for us.
Wanting, dehydration can cause weakness leading to a fall. Confusion is also a symptom. Just thinking and wondering why she fell. I am with you in thought {hug} and hope things improve quickly for your mom.
It takes up the time of a nurse and it is something they hate to have to do but it is their job.
Monday are you getting help. Your grief is far too profound for you to tolerate.
Please see your Dr and be honest about what is going on. There is help for you.
Except about your sisters: CALL THEM. What have you got to lose? I think very little of my siblings' efforts, too; and I know that feeling that if they were ever going to get their fingers out and help they'd have done it by now; but seriously - if there's any chance one of them could at least come and stay so that you can have a night's sleep, it would be something. Ask. If they say no, you're no worse off and at least you'll all know where you stand.
Big hug, hang in there, but do something! - you can't take much more of no sleep.
One thing mentioned in the video is that only one in five families make it through the maze of caring for a parent with dementia without destroying family bonds. Unbelievable,, but from what we all have seen here...
Glad, I think it would do your family members a power of good to see Teepa's vivid and lucid explanations - only, I'm not sure I'd start them on that one. She's such a brilliant communicator it might be better to give them one of her 'dementia overviews' first as an introduction, then follow up with what they can do to help you. Just a thought x
I too, wonder what in the world that one in five family knows and does that we don't know about. I would love to know where to find more related statistics somewhere.
Sole, I know this is hard, but so is what you are doing..... somewhere you have it in your mind you are abandoning him and letting him down..... that is so far from the truth...!!!! What you are doing is absolutely showing love to your dad.... you are exhausted and not really able to take care of him as you would like... and you will advocate for him in the NH.... visit, and have so much more to give him now ....... I wish there was some way we could make this easier for you.... but I also feel if you weren't so exhausted you would not be so emotional.... of course this is the last thing we want to do.... but it is time... or you won't be there to care for him, and he would end up in a NH with no one..... so keep coming back here and sharing.... we are listening, you are not alone....Hugs
Glad , I am glad you sent it to them..... maybe hearing it from someone besides you will get their attention.... and to me, this is about you not having any regrets..... at least you tried.....Hugs
My mom is able to get to the bathroom by herself, but this is one of the most bizarre dysfunctional family situations! Sibs just do not recognize the need for care for my mom. They went as far as paying a deposit for a facility, without discussing with ANYBODY! Then guardian is appointed to make residential decisions for my mom. She is in big trouble with siblings because it has been determined that my mom's welfare is best met at home, with day care. They have absolutely no clue!
I really believe one thing people do not really get about paid caregivers, is that we get close to those we care about , on some level... and deeper levels with some of them..we loose them and we go to the next job....
We carry our grief and scars to the next job..... keeping a tight lid on it so that it doesn't affect our being able to be 100% present for who we are caregiving for now....
And then life just says.... wait.... you are carrying too much undealt with feelings...... and that is where I am now..... I will still put the 'mask' on and go do what needs to be done.... but I really need to be able to cry for about two weeks straight and then just pick up and move forward..... don't we wish that life was more simple...... so, I deeply appreciate that I can come here and share... and read that others are going thru much worse than me.... and to simply be grateful that I am feeling sorrow and loss..... I'll get to the other side, I always do....but I am always so reluctant to share what is really going on with me.... so needed to take this risk, if nothing else to get some of it out of my head...... and to know I have a safe place to put it down for awhile.... love and hugs to all of you...
I have my Mom to care for and I can promise you I will NEVER voluntarily do this again.
You have a big heart and it shows... Hugs..
So your grief has gone unrecognised and you have managed to keep it under wraps so sometime somewhere it has to come out. Other nurses and caregivers are part of a team and have collegues to share their grief so the healing is possible. In the end there is only so much someone can bear and they either become hardened and callous or they have to stop. It is importent to know when to stop. Others may not be happy with your decision but if you know your self you will make the right one. Love and hugs my friend
love and hugs to you both for HEARING me.......