This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Just so tired a lot. I find myself yawning a lot at work, even in the mornings. Loud large yawns. I swear that I'm sleeping good at nights. But if I'm so tired lately, I'm obviously not having one of those deep REM sleeps. By the time I come home, and turn on the computer, I'm just too tired to remember who said what. And then I try to answer, and I lose my thought. Oh, yeah, maybe I'm not sleeping well because I wake up with neck/headaches, bear it all day, then go to sleep with it.
My neck seems to take turns hurting in different areas...middle left, middle right (mostly), then in the middle but at the bottom stem. I'm tired of these constant pain so I made an appointment to see the doc on Wednes. Tired of popping Tylenol every morning and afternoon. Arthritis and/or osteo most likely. I can be typing on the computer, turn my head to look at something, and my neck clicks. I reach for the stapler, either my elbow or my shoulder makes this loud clicking sound. My body is rusting. I can foresee a life of severe joint pain in the near future. Even my eyes feels stuck, when I move it, I feel a "click" in it. I like that feeling. So, sometimes, I'm sitting there, then move my eyes way right, click. Move it to way left, click. Up, click. Down, click.... I don't even know by playing around with my eyeballs like that - if I'm damaging something. I just like to feel that "click"....
Tried to go back to taking calcium pills. I get these lower back sharp pains when I take it. Today, at work, I almost cried. I had a new pain in my front lower right. Darn, those were sharp pains! It's been so long since I had these front pain.
My work related formal dinner function is tomorrow. My boss got a reminder call today by the sponsor. I heard him exclaim, "What! It's a suit and tie dinner! Here on island!? A suit and tie?!" I sighed.... I was soooo hoping to wear a decent covering dress tomorrow. Now, I'm back to my niece's revealing deep V-neck (front and back) flowing knee high front to long flowing back dress. I will check tonight if I can wear a black decent camisole inside. Due to my religious belief, I cannot wear that Deep-V neck dress. It's bad enough that the front is above my knees. Let's hope no one from my religion sees me tomorrow. No black stockings, no high heels. I am sooo not looking forward to it. I will need to leave early from work so that I can change dad's pampers (in case I come home too late and he doesn't want to wake up to change it) and then get ready for the event.
Sorry... I will most likely come back to commenting here after my dinner... and my headaches tone down a bit. I hope you all have a better day tomorrow than it was today. (I wonder.. if I can sneak off to the hotel restroom, pull out my kindle and read a book - and hope no one notices that I'm missing????)
Colpermin for the gut wrench. Good luck at the doctor with the head and joint worries; but I hope among everything else he reminds you to take care of your breathing, and to make sure that every so often through the day you get up, stretch and walk around for a minute or two. I can feel your tension from thousands of miles away!
Tomorrow is about making a fuss of you. You deserve that. Promise me you'll try to have a nice time x
Then I get an email from my sister telling me she has rented a place in FLA for a MONTH this coming winter and would me and my other sister (5 total) want to visit for a sister's vacation..
WTF is wrong with her!!! She is so selfish and clueless.. If she every called or visited Mom she still wouldn't see what I do..
My husband told me to reply back with "if Mom is dead then I'll think about it!"...
Just stick that knife in a little deeper!!l
I think the stress of caregiving and the dinner is taking its toll. Hope you feel better soon.
Thanks for your feedback. It just reinforced what I decided. I bookmarked this page - in case tomorrow - when it's time to dress up, I might need to re-read this to give me the courage to be different from the others.
I don't wear make up - just eye liner on my eye brows and lipstick. I tried several times in my early 20's, and my eyes got so irritated. It felt as if there was something inside and I couldn't stop rubbing my eyes hard. Tried even those hypo-allergenic make ups. Didn't work. It's a good thing that my face is naturally ... pretty? I and my female siblings and nieces never needed make up. Just a liner on our brows and lipstick. My hair is short. Cannot put it up. Just have to put a pretty hair pin to keep it off my face. It's okay. I will be a fish out of the water tomorrow. Cocktail is at 630p, dinner at 7p. It ends at 10p. I cannot stay out that long. It'll take me about 20 minutes to drive home - very carefully so that I don't hit the tourists jay walking across the road. Dad would be knocked out and I won't be able to change his pamper that late. So, by 9pm, I will be stressing because I need to get home.
You know, when you've been a caregiver for years or full-time, no matter where you're at, in the back of your mind, your internal clock is keeping an eye on the time. If I knew that sis can and was willing to change his pamper, I would be able to actually not worry about rushing home. As it is, I know that I will definitely be watching the time and become fidgety when it hits 9pm. That's the time I start getting ready to change him. Thanks. Midnight time. I need to try to go to sleep. Too nervous and wide awake to do so. Mantra - I'm not a brainless bimbo..=)
Sarcastic, of course, which I personally would find satisfying but you may not; but in any case one might think another had asked and you'd texted a reply to all of them, sort of thing - so you might get away with it, plus it might prompt one or more of them to express an interest.
I haven't actually had to do this, by the way, so I can't tell you what could happen. Though when I email one sibling, I do sometimes cc in the other two, and sometimes that will necessarily involve sounding a bit sarky even if I don't mean to. You can imagine: sentences that begin "you were asking about her visit to the GP…" or "she's really looking forward to seeing you on…" are being read by a brother who doesn't see her except at funerals and hasn't rung since I can't remember when. Is that my fault? Would he rather I left him out of the loop? Well, maybe he would; but since he hasn't bothered to comment…
How do they live with themselves? Sigh. Unless you know of some grievance or issue, something like that, then it's probably a case of "out of sight, out of mind." I expect they even form good intentions from time to time, and just never get round to acting on them? Maybe it's easier when your mother's not in the house!
I don't think I have ever felt so tired. And I think the dementia thing is contagious, I have been forgetting everything and doing things that don't make sense. And it has only been a month! I have both in laws with us. He has late stage dementia, and you never know what it will be on any day, screaming or living in the long past. I never know what to say to him. MIL is better, but is pretty out of it most of the time. I think she has been exhausted trying to care for FIL and hiding his condition for the past several years. So trying to give her a break, but feeling a little exhausted myself after so short a time. I work full time too, and my husband works 2nd shift, so I get them in the evenings after work and he has them in the mornings, when they are usually asleep.
Thanks for listening, i am just whining.
Christine
Does the dog miss her? bet he gets put outside more frequently now.
The Pot luck is a very good idea to start getting you back in the groove and a nice gesture singing at the NH. doesn't matter if you aren't very good. most of them can't hear anyway. It is just such a change for them to have fresh faces and people wearing regular clothes. Enjoy your freedom
MrM is in end stage cancer.... daughter told me Hospice will be called in when the time is right.... right now he is still up, tending to himself fairly well and still has a sharp mind.... she did not ask for a time-line.... but I do know he is in pain and refuses anything but Tylenol..... that will change, whether he admits it or not.... so letting him set the pace here... he is 94....
L has not been told but I feel a lot of her anxiety right now is because she knows.... they have been married 70+ years... she knows without being told something is wrong with her husband.... LBD or not....
Red, happy to hear you are getting back into the swing of things...I knew you wouldn't stay still for long.... I know the pot luck will be a success and you will enjoy the laughter and voices in your home..... let us know what happens.... and by all means tell us what food was there!!!!
Book, you will eat some great food, hopefully and the rest of the nighmare will be a memory in a few days..... have a good time if you can.
Will get caught up with everyone after a good cup of coffee.... am off tonight.... later
LadeeM - L sounds like my dad. I now have to lower the TV volume. When he wakes up from a nap, he gets confused. Thinks the TV is real. Answers or responds back to it. Sometimes when he gets soooo angry at me and tries to hit/kick me. Twice he apologized afterwards and said that his (then he points to his head and does that crazy sign with his finger.) He said that it's getting harder for him to control himself.
And I'm pretty sure all your guests at the pot-luck will look on top of your fridge to make sure it's clean....man, don't we do some crazy stuff sometimes.... lol Meet your guests at the door with your purse on your arm..... be proud !!!!
MisMel... come back and tell us more of your story, maybe we can help, if not, we can support you.....
Book, hope you had a good time...
Have so much to do today need to get going..... off for two whole days....
hugs, love, angels and chocolate...
Red, I wonder if your insomnia is based on your body still working on the time clock when you were caregiving your MIL. When my mom passed away last year, I still kept waking up at the usual time I get up to suction her. It took several months. But, I'm now able to sleep all the way through.
Hi Missmel. when you feel like sharing with us what's up with you and mom, please feel free to do so.
Glad! 530am! You need to sleep one more hour. Try those meditations. Doesn't work for me much.