This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
My male boss again brought it up today. About my getting a ticket off this island. Yay! So, he really wants me to go off-island for vacation. I've emailed my siblings. I said that I'm willing to fly only as far as the West Coast. I just cannot handle 7.5 hours from our island to Hawaii, 2-4 hours lay over, then another 7.5 hours to Houston, 2-3 hours layover. Then another flight to either Colorado or Virginia.
My siblings wrote that they would like to join me in my vacation. Youngest sis wants Hawaii. But I checked the airfare, too expensive for them. $900-some for Colorados and about $1100-some for Virginia. I said that we can try San Fran in September. That's a good month to go. In the 70's and most of the tourists are gone and hotel rates are lower. Airfare is $600some for Colorado and $900some for Virginia. We can book a hotel room with 2 king or queen beds and have all 3 adults in one room. If we go to San Fran, I want to visit the Fisherman's Wharf. I tried emailing them to pin them down. Because boss wants to get the ticket for me. And I need several weeks to Google hotels and rates and nearby restaurants and hotel closest to all shopping areas. Sigh... I even said that we can go to Hawaii and then this time try Maui. Since we've been in Oahu atleast twice. Maui would be a new one. Too bad they're not as adventurous as me. I would love to go to Hong Kong or Seoul Korea.
Too bad their not as adventurous as me!
You always self identify as a big wimp or just now you called yourself a wallflower...
I think you underrate yourself all the time.. Hugs..
I still see the results of our childhood. 2 of the boys in turn abused their family. 4 of us girls had no confidence. 3 of them (except me) found an abusive spouse. The golden child also ended up with an abusive spouse. Like I said, my therapist was very surprised that I came out normal..no drinking or into drugs, etc...
When we went out in public (even parties at relatives homes) if we misbehaved, we all got spanking when we got home. In public, our father would yell at us. We go, we sit and do not play with the other kids. We behaved....
Or maybe Debbie, because she's a downer...
Better yet Patty, because she's such a pessimist..
LadeeM - The name of that game show was let's make a deal right? I remember the purse thing. LOL Take care of YOU!!!!
I have something that will help some people in here. I went to a Recovery and Wellness Fair. It was for people with mental illness. One of the things that they had and I participated in was Art Therapy. It was cool. They gave us a pattern to color, kind of a mosaic. I thought, you want me to color. Do I have to stay within the lines or what. They gave us thin markers and we had 45 minutes to do ours. I really liked it. I was relaxed and did not think about anything else. When I left I was relaxed and calm. They said to do this about 15 minutes a day with everything off except maybe some calming music. The teacher gave us a website to go to. It is called Color Mandala. I went and just googled it and found plenty of free patterns that you can print. Some of these will print small but some of them fills out the whole 8 X 10 page. Please try this if you want. Take care of YOU!!!!!
Smeltzer...Have your ruled out any other physical problems... such as a possible toothache, or pain that she can not tell you about, constipation.... ???? And then sometimes they just get restless.... L had a meltdown Wed. night..... thought something on TV was real.... how does she do if you ignore her, or just let it run it's course... does she get worse?? Is she on any meds for the anxiety?? I know first hand what this is like, so hope you come back and give us a few more details so others may have suggestions too.... hugs.
Smeltzer - I am sorry your Mom is acting out. The way you described what she was doing I would have thought that she had a UTI too. Is there anything she can do inside that would keep her busy. My mom did daily exercising that I think kept her busy so she could rest when she needed too. I think she liked the routine she had to do every day. I hope things get better for you. Take care of YOU!!!
LadeeM - I looked at zentangle and looks like something I would like to try. Thanks!! Take care of YOU!!!!
Hi there - well, I have stinky garbage in the house. I could not bring it outside for the trash people because we have raccoons. I did not know we had any until the garbage can outside was turned over and the trash was all over the place. Well, I was going to bring them outside this morning but they came early. Damn!! What makes it worse is that it has uneaten cans of wet cat food that stinks to high heaven. lol Brother is coming tomorrow. He is bringing someone to go up in the attic and bring everything down. He took a look up there and there were boxes and boxes of stuff. He was mad. He said why did they (parents0 keep all that stuff. He found a strobe light that went back to 1959 up there and a box of my baby clothes. If I was my brother and he was me. He would ask why did I wait so long. I will ask him that same thing when he gets here. Mom has been gone since January. The appraiser is coming Tuesday. He is very good at giving orders but not good at looking at his own behavior. sigh!!!! You all take care of YOU!!!
Thanks, Lav.
Your brother is a jack*ss....... sorry you are stuck with him, but you have done the majority of all this by yourself.... let him b*tch and moan..... and do some work for a change... do you have an ipod??? Turn the volume up and dance your way to happiness by not having to hear him.... it's almost done.... and then your new life begins...... lots of hugs to you Lav.... you are an inspiration to us all.
I found out that the nurse R came this morning to change his catheter (monthly.) And dad wanted to go on the wheelchair. So, nurse R got him on the wheelchair..... In response to dad's call to come change his prostate tube, nurse P came this afternoon, he examined dad. His stomach was hurting, his p*nis was hurting. The nurse saw that No Fluid had drained since the change this morning. So, he changed the tubing from his p*nis. Sigh.. I was helping the nurse. I saw the blood spurt out and I deserted him. The blood did spurt out..literally. Sorry.. I don't do blood. When he was done, he left dad's pamper open. I looked at it. and said, "He's still bleeding. Will it eventually stop?" He reassured me that it would. He left.
About 5 minutes after he left, dad started shaking so hard. His whole body was shaking. I thought he was going to the next stage of senility - Parkinson disease. I asked him why he's shaking so hard. He just kept saying that he doesn't know. Are you hurting? Yes, his weak left arm was tightly clenched to his chest, and his speech was blurry. He was struggling to speak. I thought he was having a seizure. I called oldest sis to come and check dad. Is it seizure? She stood far away from the bed, looked at him, then me, and said she doesn't know.
In frustration, I went to my brother's home next door, hoping he would be home. Not. So, I asked my nephew to come and check grandpa. He called his older brother. Both of them tried to talk to my dad, asking questions. Dad refused the ambulance. So, I called the nurse's 24hr number. In the middle of talking to him, my nephews told me to call 911. I said that I cannot call 911 if grandpa doesn't want the ambulance people in. I can hear the nurse on the phone, "What ambulance? What's going on? Hello????" So, I explained the situation. the nurse said he was coming back.
Nurse came. Dad's still bleeding down there. But his pee was also going down the bag - no longer clogged up. It's weird how his blood is coming out from the p*nis but his pee in the bag is not bloody. I would have thought it would have dark blood also coming out with his urine. Nurse took his temperature. Dad had a 103 temperature. He immediately started trying to bring down his fever. Gave dad 2 500mg Tylenol and his fever was still high.
So he said that we need to take dad to the ER. He then told dad very calmly and firmly that he needs to go to the ER. Dad agreed so meekly. I told the nurse that we need to put a lifter blanket under him. The nurse said that there's no need. The EMS will just pick him up from the mattress bedcover. I said no. The last time we called the ambulance for mom, the EMS said that we need to put a lifter under mom. So, they stood there watching me and oldest sis (who you all know doesn't help with pampers so... she just stood there opposite me and watching me struggling to put the lifter under mom. I snapped at sis to don't just stand there but help me.) Anyway, the nurse was surprised. I said yes. They expect us to have the lifter already under them. As we were putting the lifter under dad, when they turned him, I saw all that blood on the bedding. A lot of blood. Even my nephews gasped. Veronica, I have you know that I was able to pull the very very bloody bedding and not flee from it. I ain't washing that! It went directly into the trash.
Ambulance ride was too fast, down the curvy hill, up the curvy hill, around the statue, sharp right turn. This was the first time I wanted to throw up from the back of the ambulance. I have ridden enough on it when mom had to go to the ER. But I never felt nausea. Just as we reached the entrance to the ER, dad threw up - a lot from his mouth to his shirt. The EMS didn't notice it. I said, "Uhm.... he's throwing up."
They gave his IV antibiotics but... the nurse said that they have to admit him. I said, "Admit him? I thought that we just give him antibiotics and then send him home." He said that he has too much bacteria and they don't know where it's coming from. Dad was admitted in the hospital at 11pm. SIL said that I don't need to stay in the hospital. I said that with his senility, it's best that I stay. She told me that her son would come and be with dad. So, I left with them to come home. When we got here, she decided that dad doesn't need anyone. So her son is not going. I just stared at her. But, I'm too tired. Whatever..... I definitely don't want to stay and watch him. He has this nasty habit of verbally treating me badly in public. Even the nurses would tell him that that's not nice to say to his daughter. He don't care. And that is the current status.....
I was nervous about it too but every drug has side attacks, they just haven't made it on TV!!
LadeeM - Oh please an inspiration. Give me a break. But thank you for the compliment. Now my head is going to be bigger. Yes, bro is a controlling, self righteous idiot. He has to go up in the attic tomorrow. It will be 90 degrees here. It will be hotter up there. Well, it is his fault. Mom has been gone since January. He could have it any time. But you know he needs his day OFF!! Boy, is he going to complain about it. Yes, he will bitch and moan. I have ear plugs. LOL Take care of ya'll.