This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Can you believe lastnight, oldest sis clears off dad's side table with all his 5 plastic cups, and only washed 3???? I stood at the sink this morning to make breakfast and just stared at the 2 cups in the sink. ??????? She already washed 3, what's 2 more???? Is she punishing me because in HER MIND she's doing all the hard work? And I get off scott free by going to work, leaving her to face dad's terrible mouth? I still pay sis "babysitting" money from my own limited income, and I give her also from dad's $$$. I don't pay myself from dad's money. Why should I? I have a job. I don't need his money. I change his pampers, I bear the hitting and kicking because I refuse to jump when he tells me to. My brother keeps telling me that she's ... not all there in the head... that I need to be patient with her.
This is the brother who lives next door. Who, since mom died, has cleared out our land, and is now planting Japanese grass - making a lawn...every weekend...They weed every weekend. Who keeps asking me if Dad has a Will. Last night, he asked me again if there really is a Will. He doesn't believe me. He told me that there is a POA that will still apply after his death. I said no. The POA ends at death. That when dad dies, the Executor of dad's Will takes over. And that He is the Executor - Dad has told us this repeatedly. Oldest bro insists that there is no Will. He Insisted that there IS a POA that is still valid after death. His wife has that kind of POA for her aunty. That when her aunty dies, SIL still has control. I said that then SIL has Executive of Will power. Oldest bro said No. It's POA.
I think... oldest bro... thinking that Dad doesn't have a Will, is going to try to get the doctor or Dad sign a POA that will still be valid after death. Oldest bro, Executor of dad's Will is now going to try to make a Legal move for POA that is Valid even after death. Ohhhh, what a mess when dad dies!!!!
Everyone (EMS, hospital staff) seems to be lecturing me about having no POA or medical authority for father. I'm so tired of explaining over and over how old fashion he is. Only male have the brains, and us females know nothing. I'm tired.... I still have to do more laundry, cook rice and take a nap.
confused because last week we were in the ER and my mother was incapable of communicating and the doctor was telling me that I would have to find her a NH...and this weekend, she's up sorting through her stuff, talking about what she wants to embroider, acting like nothing has ever been wrong with her.
I mean..WTF?
So you say your friends have moved on.... well, in many ways so did you... you are at a depth of understanding and compassion, and strength, they have no clue about... so ya, they had some freedom you didn't have... but you are some place on a spiritual plane that would never make sense to them if you tried to share it with them..... so you find new friends..... find some hobbies that keep you busy with something besides caregiving... I know how demanding it is.... but find something, anything that gives some type of creative outlet..... you might be amazed at what you can do.... hang in there...... you are worth some ME time..... hugs and chocolate
After talking to nephew, I went to oldest sis and asked her if this is true. You see, dad kept telling me of these people watching him. I just thought it was dementia. Lately, he's been telling me that they're trying to hurt him. that they like me and don't like him. I just never believed him. Senile. So, I confronted sis (who talks to them). She looked at me as if I should know that this! She said that they are gathering around dad, waiting for him to die. Eeewwww!!!! I sleep in the livingroom to keep him company at nights!
Only recently, one of them's MIL is needing 24hr help. Only now she understands my viewpoint. When she told me this, she had tears in her eyes. I guess, she finally can see what I must have been facing while everyone was going on with their lives and not understanding my view. So sorry.
I have noticed when I do attend our monthly caregiver's support group, that a lot of them before were strangers. And now I can see how close they have become. Because I'm not regular, I still feel like a newcomer and they also respond to me as one. If you can find a caregiver's support group, and just try to be regularly like once a week or bi-weekly or monthly, you will find new friends who understand your new stage in life as a caregiver.
He had to go to the inpatient unit at hospice for a week this past week after he took a fall while home alone ( he wouldn't let anyone come in and see him besides the hospice nurse, me and my daughter). He is 86 and doesn't have too much longer to live. When they transported him home today, he was fine at first but then became vulgar, abusive and downright combative with the caregiver and the hospice nurse. They had to call in a nurse that deals with combative patients.
I was trying to keep my father at home rather than place him in a nursing home because it hurt my heart to think about doing that. He saiid some vile things to me and tried to hit his own granddaughter. He was lucid and knew perfectly well what he was doing and to whom he was talking. The remark he made to me is unforgivable. Today completely changed the way I feel about my father. I feel so displaced and out of my body. I feel like my whole life as far as Dad is concerned was a complete lie. I'm placing him in a nursing home Monday. There is a hospice nurse with him now ( and a caregiver) that will keep him pretty much sedated until the move Monday. I do not EVER want to see him again unless he is medicated and there is a buffer between us. He is 86 and has been angry his whole life.
10 years of my life I can never get back. I hope and pray that I will have a chance to enjoy life again. Thank you all for listening.
dm - you did your best for your father these past 10 years. At least now you know that you did your best for him. Until he pushed you too far from your set boundaries. I don't blame you for putting him in NH - especially with the safety (physical, mental and emotional) of your daughter. You did good.
MsDaizy! I soooo miss you! I tried hard not to post in your Wall. I wanted you to come back to AC when you were ready to do so. I just came from the hospital. He said that every time they change his pamper, he's bleeding down there. He wanted me to sneak his bottle of pills to the hospital. He's complaining that they're not feeding him. He pointed to the IV and said that they said that is his replacement for food. He wants me to sneak his nutritional drink to him. SIL didn't know,and gave him a cup of water. The nurse said that we're not suppose to give him anything - at all. I'm surprised. I guess they're trying to isolate the problem by taking out any outside food/drink intake. He told to me to find the telephone. That they're hiding it from him. He sometimes forget he's in the hospital and thinks he's at home - hence the phone being hidden.
Ask the staff why they won't allow Dad any food. Is it because they think he may need emergency surgery. If that is the case what will have to happen for them to go ahead and what will they do? Ask them flat out if they think he is dying. You have a right to know. Does brother have POA? bug him till he tells you what is going on. You have a right to know. You have been very brave through all this.
Don't worry about dad's mouth, the nurses have heard it all before. you are not responsible for his behaviour. I can't explain why the blood was not coming out with the urine unless it is actually from something actually in his penis.
Now take a deep breath and hang onto something. The treatment may be to amputate his penis and redirect the urethra to his periniuem and let it out drain out of there. that is the area behind his testicles. He will have no control but they may put a catheter in or just drain it into his pamper. they may or may not remove his prostate at the same time as this may also be a source of the bleeding if he has prostate cancer. This is really going to be horrible to deal with as he will not accept this decision peacefully.
I don't know about any of your local spirits but it could be they are gathering to take dad to his next destination. they may be mad at him becuse he has caused so much suffering in other peoples lives. The near death spirits I have heard about have usually been peacefull comforting the dying. They may have followed nephew home for some reason. Perhaps eldest sis can have a word with them and ask them to be less aparent. Try and rest Book this is going to take a little while and you need to remain strong. Blessings
The pollen is so thick here today you can see clouds of it blowing in the wind!
I'm not allergic but it does stick to my contacts if I'm out in it too long.. Yuck! Makes my eyes itchy.. So I just wear my glasses..
(Rant ahead...sorry, seems like this is all I do lately....)
Found out today that my oldest sister has apparently been talking to my other siblings behind my back about me - and that my other siblings have been sticking up for me, thank goodness. She apparently threw a fit in a phone call to my brother when she found out that mom was giving me the house after her passing - she ranted about me "getting the house for free". Ok...so this is a70+ year old house with 2 useable bedrooms (one of which doubles as a laundry room), a basement with a mold problem and no egress windows, so it can't be used as liveable space, a single bathroom that is smaller than most walk-in closets, and only one bedroom has a useable closet. THAT'S the huge asset that she's throwing a fit about. It has an assessed taxable value of $14,500, and if sold, would maybe bring $20,000 if I was lucky, given all the issues it has. It's worth more if it were razed and a new building put on the property. She thinks I'm getting it for free - that it's mortgage free. Sorry - wrong. It still has 2 mortgages on it, and who does she think is paying double payments on those to get it paid off sooner, so mom can say she owns it free and clear before she dies? ME. My brother said, "Look, YOU have a house...I have a house...other sister has a house of her own too. Do you really want that house, or is it just that you don't want HER to have it??" That shut her up. She claims not to want the house, but apparently doesn't want me to have it either.
She also ranted about the "big pension payment" that we get from Dad's pension every month. Um....ok. So you're talking about the $126.13 that gets direct deposited every month from his pension? Because that's all there is. That's your "big pension payment". If you figure out how much mom's monthly income would come down to on an hourly basis if she were working 40 hours a week, it would come to about $8 an hour. Oh yeah...big bucks. We're just rolling in dough over here and living the high life.
Apparently that's what she thinks, though. I'm just living off Mom's money and abusing her finances. Right...that's why I work 60+ hours per week to make enough money to make ends meet so I can pay my own bills plus some of Mom's. If I were abusing her finances, she wouldn't have a vehicle to drive, her credit would be in shambles, her house would be foreclosed on and her utilities would be cut off. None of that is happening, because I make sure the bills are paid every month, even if it means sometimes putting my own needs or my own bills off for a week or two to take care of Mom's. I need to pay off some old bills that are affecting my own credit, but I haven't yet, because I've been helping Mom.
Sure, I'm getting the house when mom passes away - but in ways she doesn't even begin to think about, I pay for this house every single day that I'm living here. I pay for it when I struggle to get Mom to shower (today is one of those days again, and the odor has me throwing open the windows and lighting candles); when I clean urine up off the floor when she loses control of her bladder when she stands up; when I wipe off the toilet seat every time Mom uses it because she drags herself off the seat and leaves "residue" behind; when I struggle to get Mom in and out of the van, haul her wheelchair or scooter out and take her anywhere; when I remind her to take her pills and I fill her pillbox every week because she wouldn't be taking them on time otherwise; when I wash her soiled undergarments and clean up the feces she leaves on the tub chair when she showers, because she won't let me help her bathe....in this way and many more, I "pay" for this house - every single day. And that doesn't even begin to touch the financial aspect - because when Dad died, Mom's income was reduced by about $700 a month - but she still has to pay her normal bills and have food to eat and clothes on her back. I pay for all the groceries, all the vehicle repairs, I buy mom clothing that she hasn't had new for years, I pay the co-pay on her prescriptions, I pay for the cable bill so she can have some entertainment (something Dad refused to do for their entire marriage), and I pay for our annual trips north to her hometown. But I never throw this in my siblings' faces or chew them out for not helping. I wish they would, but I don't make an issue of it.
Really hoping this dies down soon...I was so upset when my brother told me all this today at breakfast that I couldn't even eat. I just sat there. I don't know what I ever did to my sister to make her treat me this way, but apparently I've committed some unpardonable sin in her eyes.
Sorry again for the rant. This was just so upsetting this morning. My brother was worried that maybe he shouldn't have told me - I told him no, I definitely needed to know there was a snake lurking in the weedy field of our family, so I can be careful in the future.
Mom and I talked about this extensively when I got home today - she said, "just consider the source, and remember that you are doing the right thing - both you and I know it, and that's all that matters." Out of the mouths of babes (or in this case, out of the mouths of our elders...) comes such profound wisdom.
Dad was released from the hospital. They do not have a urologist. So the attending doctor kept emphasizing that my dad needs to follow-up with the Urologist. That will never happen. Dad's home care doctor (female) has tried several times to get him to go. She even offered to call 911 so that he goes by ambulance and she will meet him at the clinic, and they would see the urologist together. He Refused. The nurses, and myself have brought it up once in a while. In the end, I gave up. I think that dad knows that there's something wrong and he just doesn't want it confirmed. He's still spotting blood - per the hospital nurse before he was released.
According to sis, dad threw a temper tantrum on the way home, getting mad at her. She said that the EMS kept asking her if she was okay. He was being his usual verbal abusive self. He tried that with me on Saturday. I got mad at him and nipped it in the bud. He chose to back down because I'm willing to dish it right back to him. And he doesn't want to be shamed in front of another male person. (But he has no problem doing it to us.)
He's fine today. Yesterday, when I visited him, he was confused. Today, he looks like he's back to norm.