This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
They said the usual "they took care of you for 18 years" blah, blah, blah...
Usually I just ignore but they caught me at a weak moment..
Happy thoughts... Hope everyone has a better day than yesterday...
I know how hard this must be for you, please don't take it the wrong way.
So, how did the 2 dips react? =)
A&A - I did enjoy your words on the Q&A, if he has to ask...um, dah what do ya think any who...
I can handle the 'you're doing it for love not money' thing.
What p*sses me off is when the same people who think it immoral to accept money from the parent you're devoting your time to, also criticise you for failing to be financially responsible for your own upkeep. I get quite a lot of that, sigh…
What needs to be accepted and addressed is - hot news! - that Living Costs Money. And the more help you need with living, the more it costs. And whether the parent is paying for it by supporting the caregiving child, or the caregiving child is paying for it through unwaged labour, it STILL costs. It's a question of who bears the cost. And, Book, why should that have to be thee and me, eh? We need to get harder-nosed.
I have something to be grateful for today. Actually it was yesterday...all day...but it deserves another day of being thankful. Yesterday was my mother's birthday. Part of me was dreading having to help her answer the cell phone when the ugly villains called her to wish her happy birthday. It was such a perfect day (for me) since there were no calls. No calls, no cards, no presents from the villains as usual. I helped her call her brother and then helped her call the one duckling I am still civil to. He had called while she was talking to her brother. Her brother talked to me for a minute afterward just to say she was very perky/lively today. That made me feel good. We had dinner at my aunt's which is her SIL. There were a couple other people there that are my mother's age which she gets along with well. She enjoyed herself so much on her birthday. I bought her a tweety pajamas which she put on sometime during the night...she didn't sleep last night even with her melatonin. She has been asking me for a spinet piano for the past year and almost every day for the past several months. I thought it was her dementia at first but came to realize that she really really wants a piano. Do not have money for a real piano so I bought her an electric keyboard. She was surprised and started playing a couple tunes. One was from a book her brother bought and sent. The other was Happy Birthday she remembered from memory. Now I was the one surprised. She is shall I say rusty but after not playing for over 20 years what do you expect. She will pick it up quickly I am sure...at least my ears hope she will pick it up quickly, LOL. There was not one bad thing that happened to us yesterday and that is something we are thankful for. If it happened we don't want to know about it. She did not even mention anything about those things of hers not acknowledging her birthday. I suppose it made her happy too! Oh, what a day!!! Thank you for yesterday.
Anyhow almost no sleep due to insomnia then a dry hacking cough kept awake rest of night. Finally dozed off after 4:30 then crawled back in bed an hour later till 7:15. Thankfully dad stsyed in bed longer this morning but pretty much wiped.
Three weeks until dad moves into assisted living then maybe sleep to finally come back.
But ya'll know how I feel about it not being my clients, its the families I put up with that make my job harder, and these people are in 'their right mind' and I use that term loosely.... and I pity who ever ends up taking care of them......
Shilo..... so good to hear you and mom had a great day.... they do happen sometimes don't they..... even last night at work, all was calm... MrM is going down rapidly and in denial..... he is 94, bone cancer... and daughter told me last night he is going to ask the dr about treatment..... he will never survive the chemo and radiation, and it will not prolong his life anyway... I pray he has a good dr that is upfront and honest with him.....
Cujo was in a good mood last night, so things went good for a change... tho she was very upset that she had to sleep in a bed and house that wasn't hers.... a lot of reassurance that they 'had permission' to be there..... and she did want to know if they would get breakfast the next morning..... I assured her she could have anything she wanted for breakfast..... I hate this disease, with a passion.... what it turns them into, and in turn, what it does to us......
So, will head toward the future and get going...... love to you all...
Shiloh - Oh, I am soooo happy for you. Your mom was happy and that made you feel great. I hope it keeps going well for you. Take care of YOU!!!
LadeeM _ Please Take care of YOU!!! Lots of hugs and chocolate.
My bro called yesterday. He told me that my share of the house was such and such. Well, I told him that he needs to write down what he is taking out of MY share. He is trying to wipe his feet on the doormat (me) again. He told me that because we had to sell the house as is that he will not be able to do what he planned to do with the money. Give Me A Break!! Where did this sense of entitlement come from. He has to be adopted I swear. We are not at all alike. I keep telling him that we are lucky that we have anything left by mom and dad. A lot of people don't have that. No gratitude at all. Take care of all of YOU!!!
Sorry for going on like this. The craziness is what I have trouble with. He is just blathering on...nothing makes sense. But he seems happy, so guess that is good. Some people on the caregiver threads say it is time for the nursing home, but as he still can manage to feed himself I think it still might be a little while. He started taking an anti psychotic, which is for the aggression and threats, I am horrified about the drugs he takes and the side effects. But he has taken them for decades. And I can't fix this.
All I can do is breathe. (although I can smell the pee with every breath...aaaahhh)
I can't fix this. I can't fix this. All I can do is be kind.
Thanks for listening. I am sure this is not unique.
Christine
In the meantime, every night, I drink, and I drink too much, a bottle of wine a six pack of beer....everyday, sometimes I make myself sick to get rid of the alcohol I SAY I will not drink, but every night I do. I always had my husband to commit to and now I don't and I am going to probably die from liver disease before he goes, and the guilt I feel just makes it so much worse, if I leave him alone without me..I loves me more than anything on earth. I am a failure
from what you have told us it sounds as though it is time for a psych facility. it does not have to be permanent but he does need acute treatment right now by experts. if they can stabilize him it may be possible to return him to a different facility.
Please take care of yourself that is job 1 you are no good to your husband if your are not fit. When what you are doing becomes more painful than what you need to do you will make the change. Blessings
While my mother was in the NH I found out people staying in the NH could leave for the day with a family member, think they called it an outing. I was able to sign her out and take her home with me but had to get her back to the NH before night time for her medicines.
Something to think about and consider if and when you start to consider a facility for your in-laws. If available at NH you are considering, say an outing once every other month or so...your schedule your decision just talking out loud here not knowing situation. I'm going to shut up now.
Not irrelevant, or unwanted...thank you for your comments. I have gotten some good advice here. I just sent them outside, escorted right to the chair, and will go back and get them back in again in a minute. Peace for me for a few minutes, warm enough for them, it is 95 degrees out there. They are 'freezing' in here, even though I have the ac down to 80 inside. Which is way too warm for me. They have warm clothes and will just have to live with it, that is my line in the sand, I can't live in a hot house.
Anyway, have a peaceful evening
Christine
Time bomb. The week of heart cath, microwave died, heart cath was done with not so good results, I fell in the hallway at the hospital taking a nose dive tripping with the toe of my shoe, falling flat on my face..///..--- going down like a board with nothing to break my fall, teeth hit the floor. That was Fri....Sat we tried to rest. Sun. morning my son called telling his (4 hrs away) Dad, John (our 2 1/2 yr old Grandson)can't get up, he won't get up, we don't know what's wrong.!!!!! I've got to go, the ambulance is here. I SCREAMED OUT LOUD...GOD PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY BABY FROM ME ..PLEASSSEE. Put my face in my pillow and cried and cried. Husb called oldest daughter who was there at the time to find out what happened. John was standing on the computer chair (he knows he shouldn't have been doing it) as it turned, he did a scorpion fall. His chest and arms hit the floor first, legs came up and behind his head. X rays resulted in a break above the elbow and this happens to the most first broken bone in kids. My God what a relief that was. Arm is in a sling and doing better .I'm having to start cooking all over again with low sodium ingredients, last night...our television went out.
I know two of the things I mentioned are important and the others can be fixed.
But I'm emotionally drained, worried about my husband, searching for low sodium recipes and having physical therapy with spinal decompression due to all the damage I've had in my back.. I'm worn out and have no energy for anything. Unable to do housework, really don't care to. The best part of all this, Husb seems to be in a better mood since being "diagnosed", does that make sense? At least he knows what he's dealing with, is that it?
I need prayers our way. I'm afraid I'll give up after he goes, my health isn't good but nothing that would cause a threat to death.
Thank You everyone if you've read this post. I'm sorry it's so long.
Blessing No3 is that he has had all these blockages for a very long time. Blessing No 4 is that you are a very strong woman even if you don't feel that way right now. You and hubby have weathered many storms together and will continue to do so together as long as our Lord as he does for all of us leaves you both on this earth.
try and take each day one at a time and do what you can. don't fret about low salt cooking it really is quite simple. Do not use much salt in cooking and don't add exta at the table. Stay away from take out and frozen meals. plenty of fresh fruits and veg, that is really all there is to it. Can you manage that. It is OK to cheat oceassionally like a pizza once a month. things like ketchup are loaded with salt so only use a tiny bit. Take each day one at a time and make sure you legal matters are in order and that both of you know the others wishes as far as health directives are concerned, You have been a team for 42 years so keep working together. It won't be easy but you can do it. blessings
What mom did was she made the food bland, but she would make this side dipping dish made of soy sauce, lemon, onions and red hot pepper. We would take the meat and dip it into our dipping bowl. And that's what gave taste to an otherwise bland food. I make eggs with as little olive oil as possible. I don't even sprinkle it with salt at all. But I'm not much of a cook so I have such limited advice on what to cook for his health.