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Hear hear Ladee M.

Tex, I just don't know what to say. Dear God. Big hugs to you.
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I understand what you are saying LadeeM, but I know my mother well. The best revenge will be living well in front of her. I have already set some very concrete emotional boundaries with her.In fact she just got home from the hair salon and as soon as she sees me just starts talking about how much worse she thinks her RA is, she also has OA, and do I have her on the right amount of RA med, I just stood looking at her and walked away to my room and shut the door. Her pain MD has already uped her Morphine to now a daily dose of 180 mgs, that is a lot but this has been a gradual increase over a 18 month period ,I do all her meds and I make very sure they are the correct dosages. Gee ma, thanks for asking how I am doing, also she made sure to remind me not to give her the aspirin, because of her procedure this coming Monday,she gets steroid injections in both hips,reassured her I was not giving the aspirin,this type of personality is just jaw dropping and I am a retired nurse but when it's your own mother it just takes on a whole other creepy level.I am learning to emotionally distant myself from her ,the therapist helps a lot.But I am a lot stronger than thiscreature thinks, wouldn't have been able to survive her as a child if I hadn't.
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Survive as a child? Yep, been there, done that. When I was about 5 or 6 Mommie Dearest knocked me across the kitchen, slammed my head into the dog's water bowl, cracked my head open and I was carted off to hospital. Back then they just fixed you up and sent you back to your abuser.

It never got any better after that and I learned to avoid her at all costs, which I did life long until she lied, manipulated and bullied me into selling my home, quitting my career and moving 200km to care for her, which I did purely out of duty.

My wonderful father passed 15 years ago and just before his death he said to me "you're mother will never be happy with anything". He busted his chops to give her anything and everything she wanted, though it was never enough. His heart gave out and after 55 years of nasty, whining, bullying and evil I guess he just couldn't take it any more. I'm looking forward to her death but she'll probably linger to cause as much hurt and chaos as she can before she leaves this world. Evil people seem to do that for some reason.
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I really believe I have this tiger corralled. I am an only child and I have already told her once months ago when her behavior was really bad she could get the h*ll out, tossed her her cell phone and told her to start calling. Guess what? She has no one to call, she is an only child, no friends.Told her if she didn't like the rules she could get the h*ll out and I didn't care where.I will have peace in my house. I have already started to limit interaction with her. Only what is needed, bathing,MD appts. making sure meds are taken, I have a friend who is paid to come 2x a week to clean and take her out shopping. We don't have conversations, I merely do a triage check on her in the AM to see if their are any medical needs that need to be addressed. The really good thing about being an old nurse, I have done ICU,OR, I can tell when a patient is BSing me.I let her know now when I think she is full of it.When she starts complaining really bad I just tell her I will be glad to call 911 and she can go to the ER. Never takes me up on it,probably afraid I won't let her back in the house.
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Tex, as long as you are not sacrificing yourself, you get my support..... like you said, you know her better than anyone..... just make sure you keep coming here and getting it out..... it can't turn into a mushroom if it's given the light !!!! lots of hugs to you and admire your strength....
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I really appreciate you guys responses.Nice to know I am not alone.This site has save me so many times. Hugs to everyone.Cruelladeville is in her bedroom now and unless there is a medical emergency I don't intend to have anymore interaction with her. Husband is good about keeping her fed. She actually is in good physical shape other than chronic pain, no dm, no kidney dz,BP well controlled on meds,has seen an MD 28 times now in last 6 months but that is because she had surgery on her foot, hammer toes really bad,kept getting infected,needed bunionectiomy bad but is well healed.She wants to see a MD for everything, "I felt something here, what's this etc. etc.
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It just feels good to "say" this stuff out loud to people that understand ,that are in the "trenches".I am finally starting to get the "old charge nurse" attitude about this.After I showed the video of the living conditions for my mother to my therapist she stated that my mother was living like a princess. She has a beautiful room, of course it isn't big enough,according to her but she isn't the one that has to clean it. She has 2 little dogs she can't care for except to throw food on the floor. Good for her I love dogs, have 6 of my own and love her little dogs, sometimes they sleep with me,they can't help she is a b*tch.Your responses this AM have helped me a lot today and I am started to feel better, but so help me God if she starts any sh*t while I am recuperating I am calling 911 and the local ER can deal with her, her insurance is so good I am sure they will find a reason to keep her.I will even tell them to get a psych consult on her and I have told her as much.I am ruling with an iron hand with a velvet glove.
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I'm finding that caring for a loved one with Dementia is far more difficult than caring for someone with any other disease. My mother has not yet been diagnosed with Dementia but exhibits all the signs. The personality changes are disturbing and so profound. It is amazing how she waits until no one is around except my father to change into this vicious, abusive person that I don't even like. I'm trying to deal with her by taking the emotion out of caring for her and treating her like any other patient I have had. I also have to guard my boundaries regarding the belittling, accusatory and abusive statements she yells at me. I pretend like I don't hear her when she kicks me out every other day. We act like nothing has happened the next day and proceed with another day in paradise. Is this normal for Dementia?
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Dementia can take on some many cruel directions,I as a nurse just consider it a head injury. I felt so bad for families that couldn't under stand why their loved one personlaties were to the point they were an another person,I saw mostly severe head trauma but it is pretty much the same thing. The person looks the same but it's like someone else inhabits their body. I have had AD described to me as losing the person twice, the one who have always know, and then the stranger that is left that acts like your loved one never acted. This is very emotionally upsetting to families and I always felt so bad for them because I knew they had a long road ahead of them. My mother however does not have dementia of any kind, sharp as a tack even with the morphine, it doesn't knock her out in fact keeps her pain under control and keeps her more physically active.No short term memory problems,can't drive because of the morphine, but keeps up with her bank/financial business, I do the bill paying and update her about online banking, she watches Fox news incessantly and is very well up to date on current affairs, never forgets what day it is, her biggest problem is mobility issues from the OA.
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Well Tex, sounds as if you just needed to get that out.... and now you are back on sturdy ground... amazing how if we just get it out, it helps......and that's a good plan if she gets stupid while you are down.....

NBecky... yes, some of them get nastier by the day.... I have never seen on here that someone's loved one has turned into this loving and docile person we are happy to take care of...so just keep coming back... vent, get support and know you are not alone....sending you hugs
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Tex what a situation you are in. Good luck with your surgery and recovery. Take care of yourself you need to put your self first.
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Tex, I know where you're coming from. The upcoming surgery, the stress of making sure everything is covered at home so that No One bothers you while you're recuperating from the surgery. But no matter how much I Thought I planned ahead my recovery from surgery, when I came back to my caregiving duties, I found out that I didn't have enough time to recuperate. This is a good time to hire caregivers to come in so that you can have a week or two to completely relax in the day time. When hubby (if he has a 9-5 work hour) comes home, he can help you deflect your mother's shenanigans.

Nursebecky, we're usually the first to see the signs of dementia years ahead before other family members see it. The viciousness/accusations always starts at home, then they are sooo nice and quiet, etc.. when visitors come (includes family members.)
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Dad was so stubborn today. He took all his herbals supplements and refused to also drink his small cup of water. He wanted to drink his honey/vinegar/water mix. I told him that he needed to drink first the plain water. He refused. Called me f**ker and was just soooo angry. I refused. I walked out of the room (like you all recommended.) Every time I passed the livingroom, I looked at his still full cup of water. Reminded him to drink his water first. The next time I passed, his cup of water was almost empty. I told him that since he drank his water, I will now fix his honey/vinegar mix. sigh... He is now sleeping. 9am.

I sure miss our paid caregiver on Saturdays. She would clean our kitchen (sweep the floor and clean the sink) and the front porch. This morning, I swept the floor. And will admit angry at sis. In this past week, I have cooked enough food and ordered take-outs enough for both of us. When I was cooking dinner on Thurs, I thought she was washing the few dishes I made from cooking (in between the cooking instructions, I would wash the dishes used.) When I was done cooking, I found out that she only washed her dishes and not the few dishes I made for cooking. I was angry and disappointed in her. Today, Sunday morning, I have decided that I will no longer cook enough food to include her. Just like she makes her egg salad but doesn't make enough for me. I wondered why the 18 egg carton and loaf of bread is going so fast. She makes enough for her egg sandwich, but not enough for me. My money buys all these food. She uses her money to buy her sodas/drinks and then stores it in her room. So, this morning, I will just have plain toast with sunny-side up eggs - just for me. After that, the 2 loads of laundry. And then pay some bills. Then google on how to make a very simple french toast - for next Sunday's breakfast. Yippee! July 4th holiday falls on Friday. Darn! I just assumed I would get a 3-day weekend. I just realized that it's my turn to work this Saturday. Bummer!!!
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Sprayed a cockroach in the left side of the sink on Thursday morning. Died quickly. I wanted to wait for it's body to be nice and hard before taking it out of the sink. I was sooo hoping sis would take it out - since she's not afraid of roaches as I am. Today is the day to get it out. I did not want to use my spoon to scoop it out. I once tried using paper. But because I was still afraid of it (even dead), the paper shook so hard, it kept falling off. Almost flew towards me, too, from all that shaking. So, today, I decided to use the wooden chopsticks (bought a whole pack to practice using it so that I don't struggle when dining out for business purposes). I used the opposite ends of the chopstick (thicker end) to pick it up and dump in the trash. Another good use for chopsticks - to pick up dead insects.
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Tex when I posted I did not realize you have been a nurse so I certainly did not need to explain to you what the proceedure would be like. still even nurses get anxious when it's their own body on the table. Hugs
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Just stopping in to say hi. Life has been VERY hectic. I don't remember if I told y'all or not, but I'm working as a caregiver (sort of) again... no... I haven't had any recent blows to the head. :P

A friend asked me to apply at her workplace because she "knew I was perfect for the job"...

I'm enjoying the job... not so much the hours. I'm working with mentally ill people, running them on their errands and helping them meet their care goals. It's interesting, but a TON of paperwork! I'm also working VERY part-time as a cashier at the neighborhood diner. I help out there for about 2 weeks every year, right around Independence Day. Still selling Tupperware too. In fact, I've made Star Manager... and now I'm aiming for Executive Manager. The next step after that is Director.

So... I'm keeping VERY busy! Hubby isn't pleased that I'm working so much. He would really like to have me back home full time. It's his own darned fault... he's the one who kept harping about how broke we were! Since he's disabled, that left only me to go out and get another job! :P

Sorry I haven't had much time lately to stop in and chat. I'll try to go back through the forum to catch up on everyone's news.

I hope y'all are doing well. I still think about you quite often.

Have a GREAT evening!
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Laura, good for you! Just don't overdo it, okay? Overdo it - as in stretching yourself thin. Like you used to do when caregiving your mom. (subtle hint there.) I'm learning to be 'circumspect' and not clobber someone with the truth straight as an arrow. So, in case you didn't get my hint, I'm (providing) one for you. However, if you need the funds to pay the bills or keep your heads above water, then let's hope you get a raise fast.
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Good to see you Laura..... you are a busy lady.... but sounds like you are happy so keep checking in and letting us know how you are.... hugs to ya !!!
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Doing better this morning. Yesterday was just a bad day. Yes, even though I am a nurse I am anxious about my surgery.The thing is I have worked with this surgeon before as a circulator in the room for this very kind of surgery, he is really good.I guess I just had a blow up yesterday. Thank god for this site,no one really understands like you guys.
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You are not going to believe what I just caught my mother doing. I stopped by her room and saw she was on her cell phone(this is Sunday) with her credit card and checkbook out. I asked her what she was doing and she was upset because she could not understand the English of the person on the phone and she was trying to check on an item she saw on tv and bought over the phone. I asked her what info she had given this person and she admitted giving out her credit card number but I think she is lying about the checking account info. Needless to say we had a bit of a dustup but in the end I have cancelled her credit card and ordered a new one and tomorrow I now have to contact the bank and ask them what to do about her checking account because it could also be compromised. Anybody have advice? I have surgery on Thursday, I couldn't believe she did this.
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Oh Good Lord Tex..... she couldn't have reserved a room for you in the Bahama's ....... nooooooooo, she had to cause you more problems..... when the new card comes in, keep it..... take the check book and put it up and she will have to ask you for it....Yes, she's going to get angry..... so what..... at some point we just get tired of cleaning up after the things they do..... they want their independence and I appreciate that, as long as they have a clue what they are doing....
Hope you don't stroke out before you ever get your surgery done..... can they keep you for an extra day????? And being a nurse doesn't keep you from having anxiety about surgery.... it's the human condition....our 'humaness' doesn't care what we do for a living...... I know you will be so glad when this is behind you so you then just be crazy because you are a caregiver.... hugs and prayers for you!!!! Why isn't your mom like all the others, looses her purse and forgot where she put it...... damn.....
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She loves to shop, get some kind of "high" from it like a gambler gets. She has always been that way.She tried to argue about me cancelling the card but I wasn't taken no for answer.Now tomorrow after getting up at 5AM so we can leave at 6am to get to a procedure for her at 7 am to get both hips injected with steroids , then after that 80 mile round trip is done then I have to call the bank to see what we need to do about the checking account because I am afraid she also compromised it.Thankfully, due to valium and therapy for me I was able to calmy talk with her about the peril of shopping on TV and that I would be happy to order what she wants online on secure sites.Even then we all know even the most secure sites can be hacked but it is safer than shopping over the phone giving your info to God only knows who.I just still can't believe she did this because I have warned her numerous times scammer prey on QVC shopping network because they will let a senior spend all their money even when relatives have called them telling them that this person has dementia issues.,they just get told that is not their problem. I may dislike my mother but I don't want her taken advantage of.
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Absolutely...... and there are many who take advantage of elders like this....so glad to know you were able to stay calm, which helps, but sorry you have added 'chores' for tomorrow.... hopefully the checking account wasn't compromised....in some ways, the surgery can't come soon enough, just for you get out of the house !!!! Sending hugs Tex....
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Tex, maybe keep a small balance in your mother's checking account, if you can't take her checkbook away w/out all hell breaking loose. Our bank set up my mother's accounts so that w/her ATM card, she can only access a small amount. I'm sure they can help.
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tex fear is totally understand able. i was terrified approaching my hip replacement even though i am certified in othopedics. What frightened me the most was the idea of having a spinal anesthetic. Always been terrified of someone sticking a needle in my spine. Epidurals were not done when my three kids were born - all au natural in those days!!!!! Anyway I knew I would be sedated during the surgery but the thought of the sound of air saws and screwdrivers blew my mind. In the end I sat on the side of the operating table with a nice big male nurse standing in front of me and the next thing I knew was a nurse telling me it was all over. The more you know the more you fear but I do like to know what is going to happen so I can put my ten cents in. i can be a nuisance like that.

Your mother is unbelievable Tex. I very much doubt she was ordering flowers or a nice box of chocolate covered strawberrys. Do you have POA for Mom? if so i would cancell her checking account and open a new one for her then not let her have the check book or know the account number. She has to go through you if she wants to order something. Now try and relax it won't be that bad. Hugs
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Tex...it's almost hard to believe all the junk MIL bought over the phone "as seen on tv" and in magazines...found an order for $847.00 that had come back with a returned check for over $4000.00...guess she made the check out for the balance in her check book instead of the amount for the (are you ready for this) HAIR GROWING HAT...picture of the thing looked kind of like a metal helmet with antenna on both sides...thank goodness she made the check out for the wrong amount an they didn't put the order through...it's a wonder they didn't ship the thing and show her with a huge credit on her account...no limit to the mischief they can get into.
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Tex - I am glad that you have a therapist that helps you. It is good to have someone whatching your back. You are a strong person and apparently always have been. Yeah, just leave the room. My mom would say "there she goes walking away" and I would say you bettcha. Good luck with your surgery. Take care of YOU!!!
Ash - Boy, your father knew your mom well. He sounds like he was a saint. You are a good daughter taking care of your Mom like this. Please do not forgtet to take care of YOU!!!
Nursebecky - Oh yeah, that kind of behavior is quite normal. Mom kicked me out so many times I can't count. I would have a little suitcase all ready and when it was REALLY bad I would say goodbye and leave. I would be gone for about a half hour and she would call and apologize. I came back and the next day all would be forgotten. My suitcase was in plain site all the time in the house. It is still hard though. Take care of YOU!!!!
Book - You have just given me another use for my chopsticks. I could just picture this in my mind. YUK!! SDo Do they have wing here? They sure do here and they are huge. One time I went outside and there was one on my shoulder. GROSS. Is there a place where you can hide food for you.. I know someone that finally had to get a small refrig that she kept in her closet since she does the same thing to you. Take care of you!!!
LadeeM- Hey there girl. Take care of YOU!!!!
Well, banner day at my house. Bro was supposed to bring someone to help him clean out the attic. The other guy did not show up. He went up there and I caugt things that he threw down. The stuff was so old that is was falling apart. Weird stuff too!! Appartently, old dolls that looked a lot like Chucky from the horror movies. My high school diploma and all kind of stuff. I found a Time magazine when John Lennon died. It is in good shape and I am going to look on craigslist. Bro found an old train set from the 50's in really good shape. He yelled and screamed at me for not having the house in perfect shape for when he came. His wife also joined in on the yelling. I kept telling them to leave under my breath. Because it has been almost six months since mom passed he expected everything to be done. Maybe it should have been but it wasn't. He has no idea what I was going though at the time and does not care. I was going through so many emotions it was so hard. Also, when Katrina hit we had damage to the roof. We had someone to come out and work on it. We thought that he did the job but it really was not finished. When mom and I realized what happened we went to the business office and it was locked and chained. They took off with everybody's money. That happened a lot back then. Well anyway we had someone for the insurance company come out and made a claim. Well, there was a check for the repair in the mail. It was for a good amount. What a nice surprise!!!!! I am thinking about not telling bro about it and taking all the money. I really am!!!! That will teach the bully!! You all take care of YOU!!!!!
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Hi Bookluvr. I have two cockroach stories. (is this a new thread? ha)
I was living in Florida and it was the first time I saw it's most despised bug. Man was that thing BIG!. I a panic I grabbed a thick phonebook and slammed it on top of the insect. Then I jumped up and down on top of the phonebook. Well, that oughta do it, I remember thinking. I picked up the phone book and the darned thing scurried away as if nothing happened!

The other incident was also in Florida. I was studying music in college there. The class was introduction to band. Each student had to learn how to basically play a different instrument. I was handed a tuba. I knew nothing about reed or brass instruments and this "teacher" was really a nightclub musician, not a teacher at all. After struggling to get even a note out the teacher was mad at me, yanked the tuba out of my arms, turned it upside down to empty out my wasted saliva. A BIG palmetto cockroach came out and scurried across the floor. Everyone shrieked except the teacher.
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I found out why Mom returned my poetry books that I made for her. The poems were all about me, not her! Now you know how a Narc thinks. Geez, should have known.
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Wow, nursebecky58, I totally understand your plight. Although my mom has been diagnosed with dementia, the personality changes are so significant that it makes caregiving my family members complex and challenging. I did go to her neurologist appointment last week and they doubled her dose of aricept. It appears that the doc is hoping that this will help with the anger, in reading the drug trials, I don't have much hope. She is quite healthy except for the dementia, but complains daily of head pain, back pain, and chronic knee pain. She cries about being the only child left I her family of 12 and misses her siblings greatly. I did call the Neuro prior to the appointment so she could understand what was going on at home, good thing! At the end of the appointment, the doc asked my parents to go and schedule the next appointment and motioned for me to stay. She chatted with me for about 5 minutes before my mother miraculously found her way back to the exam room to accuse me of talking about her! The doc said it was important for my dad to get his financial affairs in order, to come up with a long term care plan for mom and to get in touch with the local Alzheimer's association to get respite care planned. I wrote a follow up email for all of my siblings and my dad because he is hard of hearing, not one of them commented! My sister is taking some vacation time this holiday week so I will be with my own family for the 4th. Then back at it, the crying, the anger, the kicking out, the cooking, cleaning, shopping, listening and loving...I appreciate my husband and children for accepting my absence. Be well friends!
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