This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Tex, I just don't know what to say. Dear God. Big hugs to you.
It never got any better after that and I learned to avoid her at all costs, which I did life long until she lied, manipulated and bullied me into selling my home, quitting my career and moving 200km to care for her, which I did purely out of duty.
My wonderful father passed 15 years ago and just before his death he said to me "you're mother will never be happy with anything". He busted his chops to give her anything and everything she wanted, though it was never enough. His heart gave out and after 55 years of nasty, whining, bullying and evil I guess he just couldn't take it any more. I'm looking forward to her death but she'll probably linger to cause as much hurt and chaos as she can before she leaves this world. Evil people seem to do that for some reason.
NBecky... yes, some of them get nastier by the day.... I have never seen on here that someone's loved one has turned into this loving and docile person we are happy to take care of...so just keep coming back... vent, get support and know you are not alone....sending you hugs
Nursebecky, we're usually the first to see the signs of dementia years ahead before other family members see it. The viciousness/accusations always starts at home, then they are sooo nice and quiet, etc.. when visitors come (includes family members.)
I sure miss our paid caregiver on Saturdays. She would clean our kitchen (sweep the floor and clean the sink) and the front porch. This morning, I swept the floor. And will admit angry at sis. In this past week, I have cooked enough food and ordered take-outs enough for both of us. When I was cooking dinner on Thurs, I thought she was washing the few dishes I made from cooking (in between the cooking instructions, I would wash the dishes used.) When I was done cooking, I found out that she only washed her dishes and not the few dishes I made for cooking. I was angry and disappointed in her. Today, Sunday morning, I have decided that I will no longer cook enough food to include her. Just like she makes her egg salad but doesn't make enough for me. I wondered why the 18 egg carton and loaf of bread is going so fast. She makes enough for her egg sandwich, but not enough for me. My money buys all these food. She uses her money to buy her sodas/drinks and then stores it in her room. So, this morning, I will just have plain toast with sunny-side up eggs - just for me. After that, the 2 loads of laundry. And then pay some bills. Then google on how to make a very simple french toast - for next Sunday's breakfast. Yippee! July 4th holiday falls on Friday. Darn! I just assumed I would get a 3-day weekend. I just realized that it's my turn to work this Saturday. Bummer!!!
A friend asked me to apply at her workplace because she "knew I was perfect for the job"...
I'm enjoying the job... not so much the hours. I'm working with mentally ill people, running them on their errands and helping them meet their care goals. It's interesting, but a TON of paperwork! I'm also working VERY part-time as a cashier at the neighborhood diner. I help out there for about 2 weeks every year, right around Independence Day. Still selling Tupperware too. In fact, I've made Star Manager... and now I'm aiming for Executive Manager. The next step after that is Director.
So... I'm keeping VERY busy! Hubby isn't pleased that I'm working so much. He would really like to have me back home full time. It's his own darned fault... he's the one who kept harping about how broke we were! Since he's disabled, that left only me to go out and get another job! :P
Sorry I haven't had much time lately to stop in and chat. I'll try to go back through the forum to catch up on everyone's news.
I hope y'all are doing well. I still think about you quite often.
Have a GREAT evening!
Hope you don't stroke out before you ever get your surgery done..... can they keep you for an extra day????? And being a nurse doesn't keep you from having anxiety about surgery.... it's the human condition....our 'humaness' doesn't care what we do for a living...... I know you will be so glad when this is behind you so you then just be crazy because you are a caregiver.... hugs and prayers for you!!!! Why isn't your mom like all the others, looses her purse and forgot where she put it...... damn.....
Your mother is unbelievable Tex. I very much doubt she was ordering flowers or a nice box of chocolate covered strawberrys. Do you have POA for Mom? if so i would cancell her checking account and open a new one for her then not let her have the check book or know the account number. She has to go through you if she wants to order something. Now try and relax it won't be that bad. Hugs
Ash - Boy, your father knew your mom well. He sounds like he was a saint. You are a good daughter taking care of your Mom like this. Please do not forgtet to take care of YOU!!!
Nursebecky - Oh yeah, that kind of behavior is quite normal. Mom kicked me out so many times I can't count. I would have a little suitcase all ready and when it was REALLY bad I would say goodbye and leave. I would be gone for about a half hour and she would call and apologize. I came back and the next day all would be forgotten. My suitcase was in plain site all the time in the house. It is still hard though. Take care of YOU!!!!
Book - You have just given me another use for my chopsticks. I could just picture this in my mind. YUK!! SDo Do they have wing here? They sure do here and they are huge. One time I went outside and there was one on my shoulder. GROSS. Is there a place where you can hide food for you.. I know someone that finally had to get a small refrig that she kept in her closet since she does the same thing to you. Take care of you!!!
LadeeM- Hey there girl. Take care of YOU!!!!
Well, banner day at my house. Bro was supposed to bring someone to help him clean out the attic. The other guy did not show up. He went up there and I caugt things that he threw down. The stuff was so old that is was falling apart. Weird stuff too!! Appartently, old dolls that looked a lot like Chucky from the horror movies. My high school diploma and all kind of stuff. I found a Time magazine when John Lennon died. It is in good shape and I am going to look on craigslist. Bro found an old train set from the 50's in really good shape. He yelled and screamed at me for not having the house in perfect shape for when he came. His wife also joined in on the yelling. I kept telling them to leave under my breath. Because it has been almost six months since mom passed he expected everything to be done. Maybe it should have been but it wasn't. He has no idea what I was going though at the time and does not care. I was going through so many emotions it was so hard. Also, when Katrina hit we had damage to the roof. We had someone to come out and work on it. We thought that he did the job but it really was not finished. When mom and I realized what happened we went to the business office and it was locked and chained. They took off with everybody's money. That happened a lot back then. Well anyway we had someone for the insurance company come out and made a claim. Well, there was a check for the repair in the mail. It was for a good amount. What a nice surprise!!!!! I am thinking about not telling bro about it and taking all the money. I really am!!!! That will teach the bully!! You all take care of YOU!!!!!
I was living in Florida and it was the first time I saw it's most despised bug. Man was that thing BIG!. I a panic I grabbed a thick phonebook and slammed it on top of the insect. Then I jumped up and down on top of the phonebook. Well, that oughta do it, I remember thinking. I picked up the phone book and the darned thing scurried away as if nothing happened!
The other incident was also in Florida. I was studying music in college there. The class was introduction to band. Each student had to learn how to basically play a different instrument. I was handed a tuba. I knew nothing about reed or brass instruments and this "teacher" was really a nightclub musician, not a teacher at all. After struggling to get even a note out the teacher was mad at me, yanked the tuba out of my arms, turned it upside down to empty out my wasted saliva. A BIG palmetto cockroach came out and scurried across the floor. Everyone shrieked except the teacher.