This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
"Keep your fears to yourself but share your courage with others."
by Robert Louis Stevenson.
I don't agree with this. If I keep my fears to myself, how will I learn to overcome it if I cannot share it with others. Who can give me their thoughts on dealing with these fears? Or a different perspective?
Like, I'm already fearing the future when dad becomes violent- like mom. Yet I was adviced today to not worry about the tomorrow. It will come or it will not (his violence.) And that's true. Even though deep inside, I still think he's going to be violent. If I had not voiced this fear, I would have kept dwelling on it. Now, I acknowledge it will happen, and I will deal with it - if and when it happens.
Whoops sorry
Daughter12 - anyway take it one day at a time. The best thing I did was to start taking care of myself and kept saying to myself that I am doing the best I can. That is all we can do. Take Care Of YOU!!!!
Book - I am so sorry about the sinuses. They can get so bad. Please don't cry it will make it worse. I know you will be able to handle anything that comes your way girl. Take care of YOU!!!!!
LadeeM - I am hoping that cujo gets better at falling asleep when your there. I am sorry it is getting worse for you. Please take care of YOU!!!!
Well, hello. this day has been a day from hell. I had salvation army to come and pick up the furniture yesterday. Of course I gave away something bro wanted and yelled my ear off. He never told me that he wanted it. I also gave them a dresser with a mirror that was very nice. It just wanted what I wanted so that is what I did. All bro did was go on a tirade about how I handled it. Tuesday night a boy came from down the street to help empty the attic. Poor guy worked like a dog in the attic where it was very hot. The boxes were so old they fell apart and he just had to throw them down the attic hole. Stuff went everywhere. Everything was up there. My dolls that looked like Chucky from that movie because they had melted. Nat'l geographic, old torn up books, my childhood tea set, jigsaw puzzles, board games, Empty boxes for TV's and electronics. I could go on and on but you get the point. Then I had to clean it all up and take it out to the trash on the side of the house. The boy and his mother came this evening to finish. His mother was very helpful. They tired keeping the boxes together coming down but they also fell apart by the time they hit the kitchen area. They were here four hours and just finished an hour ago. I do not know how I am going to be able to clean up everything tonight. Bro is coming tomorrow to move furniture I called and told him how bad it was and maybe he should not come down and he started yelling at me again. Told me that it was already set up. He is coming at ten in the morning,. I will be up all night again getting this done. I was up til 2:30 tues night. I cannot keep doing this. When I told my brother that I sent pictures of the mess He asked me why I was sending him pictures of trash.
If bro keeps bringing it up that you gave away stuff he wanted, then say this to him:
"If you or wifey was here yesterday helping me, you would have gotten what you wanted. Since you weren't here, and I'm not a mind-reader, I gave away what I thought was junk. Quit yelling/getting mad at. You should have been here helping, not the neighbors!"
Dish back to him what he dishes to you. He should have been there. He wasn't. Too bad. His fault - not yours. Repeat this over and over. Go to the mirror and repeat it, while looking yourself in the eyes. You know when to stop when you see it your eyes those words. Then when you see him tomorrow, you have had practiced enough - so that when he pushes you too far, you can sling it right back to him - his accusations. Not your fists.
His house is near being condemned but will go up for sale anyway, it won't sell, it's ready to cave in. Spend hours running errands for him picking up his prescriptions, diapers, etc... and food he likes that I don't eat, he's a junk food person, I'm not. Constantly have to keep a tight rein on the health aide who is always trying to get something out of him, free stuff from his bad auction, more hours, etc... very manipulative, if I say no she goes to him. Just gonna say it, I've not seen a good one yet.
I hadn't even gotten over the fact that my life was changing from the loss of my awesome husband when this happened with my dad, no chance to get on my feet and process anything of my own life or what it would be without my husband, now all I want to do is sell my home, scale down and move away, far far away, don't care if I don't see anybody ever again. Just saying, so frustrated today and desperately needed to vent. Hugs to you all.
Lav, ya, they save all the 'plastic ware' from each hospital visit... ya know, just in case..... sounds like you are making progress tho.... not long now, and it's all behind you.....
Nothing special going on here today.... taking my granddaughter out to eat later... she is down with her dad for a few weeks... will spend as much time with her as I can while I am off...... hate working these stupid long hours..... none of us have a life....
Hugs to all of you... and be safe today.
Many of us have had to deal with clearing out a house and getting it ready for sale and it's a nightmare. My mother couldn't understand why I had to spend $12,000 to renovate her house ready for sale when in her eyes it was so beautiful. Her wonderful furniture went to auction and fetched next to nothing. What didn't sell went to the dump. Pretty much all I was able to save/rescue was her dog and cat which now live with me. Personally I keep the bare essentials at home. If I don't need or use it it's gone.
Dadshelper I agree with LadeeM, at this point let him have whatever he wants. My mother is in a nursing home and was eating very little though she'd chow down on cookies and chocolates but not so much even those now. She's 88 with parkinsons, strokes and dementia, just a shell really with no interest in food at all. I tried taking her lunch but she eventually refused it. With much cajoling she'll only eat 1/4 of her favourite sandwich now, maybe ... and that's a big maybe. There's really nothing more I or anyone can do at this point..
Friends tend to avoid contact with caregiver friends. Do not take this personally, it is that friends just do not understand unless they have walked in our shoes. This site is a wonderful resource for help with anything you can possibly imagine, or just to vent, we have all done it! It is an extremely stressful job that we do! There are threads where members share recipes! There are many, many topics, but the most important are related to this life of care giving.
WELCOME!