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Wannek, you have come to the right place. People that aren't taking care of someone who can do nothing for themselves just don't /can't understand what it is like ,we do. I read some of my posts from yesterday, my spelling was horrible, good reason not to do drugs and operate any machinery heavier than your computer. POD #3 ,doing better, husband a big help, also mother has been behaving wonderfully, I think when she saw how long my neck incision was it really opened her eyes that I am not a teenager anymore and also she just found out a childhood friend of hers just had triple bypass surgery, this woman has 3 grown children and none of then help her. I just washed my mother's yorkie , with husbands' help,gotta keep up with the fleas. I feel sorry for her friend, she is at rehap right now but I don't believe she will every be going home because she has no support system. It helped my mother realize she isn''t so bad off. Okay, I think the lortab is starting to kick in because I think my spelling is going off a bit. Hugs to everyone,since I am pretty much having to stay in bed will be reading lots of comments today, so everybody talk to me, tell me what is going on with you, love you guys!
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Thanks gladimhere. I do admit I do get frustrated with friends. I suppose my expectations are too high. I'm glad I have this resource so I don't have to feel 'guilty' about needing some TLC for myself as I am always giving it.
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Wannek, I was so grateful when I found this site and so glad that I did. Many of the people here I consider better friends than I have had throughout my life! They are here for me as I continue this journey and truly know and understand whatever may be an issue on any particular day. My biggest ongoing issue is the behaviors of my siblings that live very close, do only what they can emotionally handle, then turn around and cause me grief. We have all heard the many differing stories of caregivers here. Please share when you are ready, we will be happy to let you know our thoughts.
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so here's my story - believe me, I'm certainly not trying to 'one up' anyone, but perhaps it brings to the surface things can always be better, and they could always be worse, so hopefully you all feel better after hearing this one! lol while most are dealing with taking care of one loved one, I have a very unique situation. I am blessed with TWO elderly parents so it's twice as challenging. As if that's not enough, they have two mentally disabled grown sons living with them (my brothers). So everyday when I go to the house, there are 4 sick people. talk about a depressing atmosphere! Feeling better about your own situation yet? lol
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thanks texarkana I am overwhelmed by the quick support already!
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Wannek, welcome... as others have shared, it's a safe place to be to share what's going on.... and we are there now, have been there or will be there soon.... I have been here for a long time.... this site only gets better....

People here are loving and supportive and guess what, we even laugh sometimes..... those are my favorite times.....never thought we would consider something to laugh about a blessing... such is the life of a caregiver..... share when you are ready.... you are not alone....

Tex..... up washing the dog.... I knew you weren't going to behave !!!!! But am very happy to hear mom has finally landed on the planet.....cool thing is, you get to remind her how good she was a month from now when she starts the old business again....

Have to go to work an hour early tonight....and the daughter says,"I'll be happy to pay you"..... my reply, ' uh, is this where I am supposed to say, oh, no problem??? Uh ya, you're gonna pay me'........ am so sick of this game and won't or don't even need to get started on the Caregiver Blues...... surely someone here is talented enough to write a song with that title...... we can all sing it together.....

Off to wash clothes.... I hate this part of life.... laundry...... hugs to everyone and hope you find one thing to be grateful for today.... hugs, angels, prayers and chocolate...
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so to add to my story...I have 4 older brothers, the two I mentioned live with my parents about 1 mile away. one lives in another state, and one about 1 hr away. Each brother does their part (the disabled ones as well) but being the only girl and the proximity, leaves most things on me especially certain things for mom like helping on the commode. although she has an aide, she will only allow me to bathe her. I'm happy to do it if it helps her keep her dignity. My parents finally have an aide mon-fri 9-5 which leaves the nights and weekends shifts mostly to me. however, I also have a full time job. since I am single, there is no emotional support (or fun) in my life. it's going to work at work, or at the folks. I guess that's where this site kicks in...thanks all
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You'll be happy to know that many of us take care of two... I take care of one with Cancer and one with LBD and Parkinsons..... like I said.... I promise.... you are not alone.......this is the right place !!!!! Hugs to you !!!
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you're right ladeeM - more power to you! good to know, thnx much
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Wannek, please start to research any outside help that is available for your loved ones. A lot of times there is help but people are unaware of it. I don't know where you live, some places places have better social services than others. Just remember, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Be assertive, not aggressive with these agencys. Remember, if you get sick who is going to take care of all these people. You need to set yourself up a network of care for them come the day you can't do this. Also, don't mean to depress you , but so many caregivers die before the people they take care of do. It is not selfish to take care of yourself first. On airplanes they tell people put the oxygen mask on yourself first before your child, there is a good reason for this. You can't help anybody if you can't help yourself. Don't try to do this all by yourself, you are only one person. This is a great site to come to because there are many on here trying to take care of more than one person and I don't know how they do it. They will have many good ideas for you and where you should start calling for help. Don't wait until something happens, be proactive and take some pressure off of yourself.
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Wannek,
I care for Mom with Alzheimer's and her husband that has mobility problems and is now developing vascular dementia. Thank goodness only two. But the issues with Mom and her hubby are made more difficult by two narcissitic sisters that are in denial about even the need for their care.

We all have responsibilities, all a bit different, and we are here to support each other with whatever or situations are. It is all about learning to better handle our daily struggles.
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Wannek - This is the best place. Yes, I knew that my friends were getting sick of my complaining about my mom and bro not doing anything taking care of her. But here you can vent all you want. No one else knows what you are going through except the people here. With my friends, I finally go to the point where I got a sense of humor about everything and was able to talk to friends again. It is good that you have some of your family helping you a little. I hope they can also give you moral support. Anyway come here relax and you will feel better. the important thing is to Take care of YOU!!!
Tex - Yeah!!! On the road to recovery. Your mom stepped up to the plate also how wonderful. Take care of YOU!!!
LadeeM Can you get a bonus for doing the extra hours? You seem to be rolling with the situation though. Take care of YOU!!
Hi there - It is so nice to read everyone's posts. Everything is going here. The house actually closes on Wednesday. I still have to clean out the shed. It will not be that much work. I will try to do it later so it wont be so hot. It is all junk in there (old tools, xmas stuff HUGE pillar candles and a big bucket of pebbles. Why why why. LOL I mean come on. Is it any reason I pitch and pitch my stuff. Well, anyway I have come to the conclusion that bro thinks that the house should have gone to him alone. He is the executor of the will. Pisses me off something awlful. It should have been changed to both of us after dad died. So now he has opened a succession account in his name up in his town. So, any money that is received in sale of the house will be put in there 50 miles away. there is nothing that I can do. I do not know if I can even get a copy of the bank statements. Bro doesn't understand that I do not trust him. I am trying not to get upset about it. I have to go I can't talk about it without tearing up.
Take care
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There's a lot here about caring for parents. Does anyone else care for a spouse? Or is that a different post? I'm a healthy, strong 80 yr old woman caring for an 86 yr old husband who has dementia and now a stroke that partially disabled his left leg...now must use a walker at all times. He very mild-mannered and easy to be with. BUT cannot be left alone because of the danger of falling. I love him so much and can hardly bear to see how he's disintegrating. Sits in front of old movies on TV nearly all day. Won't try to do any exercises...politely refuses. We have a love and loving family of 36 and it's gotten so he's all we ever talk about anymore. They're all devastated to see their dad, grampa, great-grampa in this decline. He was always the "head and hear"t of the gang. Yes, they're concerned about me, but not enough to volunteer to stay with him so I can go to church. They say "it's just too hard to be with him". He's not incontinent or drooling, but his memory is about 5 minutes long. So conversation is difficult because he says the same things and asks the same questions every few minutes. Oh well, I guess that's enough whining for today.
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Shirley, welcome to this thread In the upper right hand corner there is a search site box. Type in Caring for Spouse, press the search icon and you will find a lot.
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Shirley,
We are many different care situations. There are those caring for parents, spouses, agency and private caregivers. It runs the gamut. We all have varying ideas, which are wonderful to share and helps to gain different perspectives.

Welcome!
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Shirley - There are people that post here who take care of a spouse. You may not see posts from them everyday. Give it time and they will pop up.
Hugs to you for handling all that you have with your husband. I have taken care of my mother for 15 years without help from her family of now 28. She has multiple health problems including mild dementia. It doesn't say from your post how long you have been taking care of your husband by yourself or did I miss that. I hope in time a few of your children will learn and accept the situation better enough to help you. In the meantime try to find other sources other than your family. The more help you can find now the easier it will be for you later. It all depends on the area you live in what is available to you. There are different resources. Have you contacted the Council on Aging to see what is available in you area. There could be an Adult Day Care Center which may interest your husband a couple afternoons a week. Some men attend those centers and that could spark an interest in your husband...talking to men his own age. My mother has attended such centers and has increased her desire to want to do other things too. Centers will let you visit for an hour or two one day to observe their atmosphere. Your church may have some suggestions for you too. The Alzheimer's association can help find someone to sit with your husband while you attend church. That is just a few places to start and I am sure others will offer some advise as well. More {{HUGS}}
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Shirley welcome. as others have said this is a very caring forum and a safe place to ask questions on any subject and share your fears. It is so hard to see your husband in this state after a long life especially as his mental powers decline.
Is he a veteren. he is old enough for WW11. if he was there may be help available through the VA.
As far as your family is concerned.it would be nice if they voluntered to sit with grandpa but they won't. You will have to ask. Think about which ones are the fittest and most capable and ask those people. "I have a dentist appointment at 9am on Monday could you be here at 8.30 to stay with dad till I get home. I should be back by 10.30 at the latest." tell them all they need to do is get him a cup of coffee and bring something to do because he will just sit in front of the TV. Once they have done it they will be more willing because they know there is nothing to be afraid of. those who have never dealt with illness or disability are fearful about what it entails therefor don't want to get involved. Blessings
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Hi Shirley, I am 67 and I take care of my husband 72, dementia and memory loss from brain injuries. I also take care of my Mother 93, starting dementia and has been wheelchair bound since Feb 2012. I take one day at a time and have just this week started taking care of me again by going to doctor to do the normal checkups. I got scared last weekend and was dehydrated with potassium level life threatening per ER doctors. Just happy to still be here. Got to keep drinking my water and eating right. I pray a lot. Love and prayers to all.
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Waneck. you certainly have your hands full with the responsibility for four people.
I think you most important task is to prepare fro the future. Get all the paperwork in order so you and/or your brother have POA for health and financial for parents and brothers. You will ultimately have to take charge of all these things so it is best to know well ahead of time whether wills are made and wishes about health decisions and DNR orders if appropriate. What for example will happen to your brothers after the parents pass. better to find out now about assisted living if that is what they will need. An eldercare lawyer will assist you with all this. if either parent was a veteren make sure their discharge papers are found and any insurance policies, pre planned funerals etc. Quite a job but it makes life easier in the end.
Blessings
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College, thanks for sharing and letting others know you are caring for a spouse...... and please take care of yourself..... dehydration is very dangerous..... hope you are feeling better this evening...... hugs and prayers for you...
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Well tonight is the last night Dad is here. We have most of his stuff in his room have to hand pictures and put away the clothes. My sister and her friend are here and we will get his room finished while he gets into activities. Hope the move goes well and I will do my best not to feel guilty. I want to return to being just a daughter.
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I'm more stressed this time with my Mom than I was when I was taking care of my husband 2 1/2 years ago. It's very stressful and too soon!
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57, great news, how did it go today?
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my sister and I thought it went well but he had one of the aides call me and he identified himself and said he didn't like it there and wanted to leave. So we drove over got him settled back so hopefully this night will be the roughest.
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57- I hope that is the roughest it gets for you. It is hard for all of you. I am sure that when you left the reality set in with him. I know that you will be sleeping a lot better knowing that he is in good hands. It sounds like the place is close by enough for you and your sister to visit him at any time. Take care of YOU!!!!
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Shirley - You have come to the right place. There are all kind of different posts on this site. Please take care of YOU!!
College - We can let ourselves get so sick caring for our loved one. I let that happen myself and really let myself go. Please take care of YOU!!!!!!!
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Hi all - Well, I have been on a roller coaster for two weeks and it is finally all over. The closing of the house will now be on Friday. I got a call from the lawyer that will be doing the closing asking questions. Come to find out that we did not need a succession or anything like that. Mom and dad had a family trust meaning that when mom passed everything went to bro and me. He is not the executor of the will. I get half of the down payment and rent on the house period. Bro does not get his hands on it first. You do not know how happy I am. Bro thought he had total control. Hah!!! I might not get the money he owes me and he will get the money I owe him when I am able to. Even while Mom was still in CCU they were asking me where I was going to move to. While I was about to lose my best friend. Such an outpouring of grief huh. Anyway, I had to share my great news with my friends. Please take care of all of YOU!!!!!
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Lav - Thanks for sharing. I am happy for you.
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Lav, I'm glad that it turned out this way. I didn't trust your brother. Please use your money wisely. You already know that you cannot depend on your brother. He showed you over and over that he does Not have your back .. only his and his wife (and vice versa).
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Shirley, for a while, someone tried to start a thread for spouses. I was hoping it would continue to grow or be supported by others who are caregiving a spouse.

If you just want to read what they shared, here's the links to go:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-for-husband-spouse-155578.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/feel-like-wifes-father-than-husband-158912.htm

There are lots of caregivers here who are also caring for their spouse. Most of the times, they are low keyed here. But if you mention something that you're having problems with or seeking advice, they will just pop in and comment.
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