This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I am not going to say talk to your counselor, get on some meds, ect.... you already know all of that..... but I can tell you what has saved my life and my sanity more times than I can count...... I do have some of the most awesome friends on the planet... some here on AC, some in real life..... I stopped having anything to do with my family so long ago, can't remember when it was.... I learned that it didn't matter how much I was 'nice' to them..... didn't matter.... some of it is because they are incapable of it, and some of it is because I has
expectations without stating my needs......
don't get me wrong... I would not state my needs to my family..... that would just be stupid. But I do state my needs to my friends.... and they are present for me......I do get weary of walking this road.... and have been and still am as depressed as you are now....but I would never give my family the power to destroy me and let them be 'right'..... I'm too stubborn for that, thank goodness....You may need to be appreciated or validated or what ever your needs are... but to keep wanting it from people who can not or will not give it to you is not going to help.... we are here for you.... no, we don't get to set at your table and drink coffee with you and listen... but we are here, and we do listen....we do understand.... and you are not alone.... you may not be getting things you want or the way you want it.... but you do have friends here... utilize them....... sending you prayers of energy to do what you need to do to take one small baby step forward.... we do understand...
She fell and broke a hip about 10 years ago, nobody thought she would survive that. Then developed breast cancer and a double mastectomy about 5 years ago. Nobody thought she would survive that. She was in the hospital about two years ago, couldn't walk found it was too much calcium, nobody thought she would survive that, or be able to live independently again. But she did, she is a fighter. Lost her husband to prostate cancer 35 years ago. This may be her time and I am so sad about so many things.
Heart2, every time your brothers do this to you, it will hurt you but it will also harden you if there is any eventual betrayal. I'd start learning to detach from them emotionally now. This way they cannot hurt you as much as it is now.
This was an advice given to me here on AC. I liked it. So, I copied and pasted it on my file under Detach & Boundaries. I'm still working on it. =)
*** Detaching is separating yourself emotionally, socially, spiritually, even physically from another person. - to be indifferent, remote from them. It does not necessarily mean you ignore them, just that you don't let their behavior affect you so much. ***
Chrissy, I know about the red tapes and phone calls with no one calling back. When mom was close to death's door, we tried and tried to get the doctor and hospice. But no one wanted to budge. We Had to Follow Rules. Mom was close to dying, the ambulance ride on our dirt road, to transfer her to/from the gurney, etc.. would be too much. We already knew that it hurt her so badly when we turned her on her side while changing pampers. In the end, because NO ONE was calling us because they already told us what to do (No Compromising), we called Adult Protective Service. The man said this is not their jurisdiction, what did we expect from him? Older sis (very good at verbal arguments) shot back - help us find a compromise. Unfortunately, mom died before that happened. .. Do you know what pissed me off???!!! Mom's Health CASE WORKER for both the clinic and the hospice actually had the nerve to call Me at work. This person who did not call back or anything, had the nerve to call me to ask how my dad is doing. I was very cold with her. I told her to call him and find out. Then I hung up. She never called dad. She knew he would have blasted her. So, I sympathize with you and the runaround you're having right now. You might have to just go in person and make your complaints. Or email it directly to him/her. What you just wrote now, write it to him/her. {{chuckling}} My work was always my escape from caregiving - from dad's mouth. Ugh! Just this morning, I was thinking, "I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow!"
When I was a young orthopedic nurse one of the surgeons showed us how to reduce a shoulder dislocation. You laid the patient on the floor and the Dr lay beside but head to toe. He then put his foot in the axilla and pulled and twisted the arm back into place. Doing it that way gave him a lot more strength stabilizing the shoulder with his foot and getting the traction on the arm he needed.
As far as the bra is concerned let the girls have their freedom for a few weeks after all you are wearing a sling and won't be running so no one will know except you and hubby. When he is dressing you always put the bad arm into the sleeve first that way you can bend the other to get it in. I expect you knew that from helping MIL. Don't be afraid to use the pain meds but watch for constipation. Of course you knew that too but others may not. Don't worry about a thing everything can wait allow yourself to be waited on the only exertion permitted is posting on AC so we will be waiting for lots of updates. Take Care. Lots of very gentle hugs
Booklvr - Thank you so much also for what you shared with me. It also means more than you know. I feel so badly that you are going through the pain and disappointment I (and others) are going through here with their siblings... It hurts badly. I was also trying (for decades) to hold on to my siblings as they are/were my only family. I'm now starting to 'learn' how to detach... mentally... The difficult part is the constant 'reminder' of the pain when they call my mother (who lives with me) and they all get 'together' and leave me out... I am trying not to get sick... I never knew this kind of 'hatred' existed in families... I'm trying... Thank you for being here for me...
You are my sisters on AC... God Bless you and take care of you.
I can relate Book, to when my brother died.... know when I found out... the day of the funeral..... I know that was a turning point for me, just looking at them for who they are in the world, and knowing I did not want to be like them in any way.... my 'divorce' from them started then.... to this day, none of them understand or care why that upset me..... speaks volumes about THEM doesn't it.....
Red, I am soooo sorry about your accident.... can not imagine the pain during and after..... I was cringing when I was reading what it took to get it back in place..... guess the treadmill will be replaced with stationary bike.... something that doesn't move.... let us know how you are doing.... and just take it easy, those muscles and tendons take a long time to heal......like MsV said, gentle hugs.......
I'm glad you're doing better...
The lessons I learnt at a very young age were that you can never go back, you can never re-creat the life you once had. You have to always move forward and it will be a struggle but you only have yourself to depend on, No one else can fix anything for you, yes you will slip and fall, make mistakes and poor choices but through it all you have to be true to yourself. Find that path through the woods, it is there even if you have to use a machete to find it. Friends are some of the most wonderful gifts we can recieve and give to others. I do have family a husband of 51 years who has been far from perfect but truly loves me and three wonderful children that I know would all care for me. I also have true friends nearby who are always there for me and have helped me out many times. Now I am making new friends here on AC. We can all manage without family and in some cases choose to have little contact with other humans. Our society is not built on family values in many cases and mobility discourages close knit groups these days.
I have a great interest in the self sufficient lifestyle and try to practice many of the skills but especially now in my later years realize being a loner would not be such a good idea. Heat with wood - wonderful, but I can't chop wood anymore. Even line drying my laundry has gone by the wayside this summer. Did make some jam yesterday from fresh peaches but did not stand over the hot stove stiring till it reached setting temperature. No I used my new automatic jam maker that does the whole job in 1/2 an hour with little supervision.
So what has all this rambling got to do with uncaring siblings and depression? It has to do with finding your own place in the world and living where you are at now. Wishing for an old life or one free from ailments is simply not going to happen. Realize the limitations and try to find joy in simple things that please you and let those bothersome family members find their own reality. It may come as a shock to them when they look back at their empty lives and find they have no one to care about them. The road is long and hard but you can only do your best. Blessings
I've been lucky enough to find a handyman, muscle helper who is inexpensive and lives close by to do the heavy stuff I can't. The little house is all electric but I'm planning on installing a wood stove before winter. Starting to grow veggies - tomatoes, beans, beets, spinach and carrots this year - and the berry bushes are fruiting well their second year.
Apart from an elderly uncle and a couple of distant cousins in another country I have no family. When I visited my mother yesterday she was in awful shape and said "I'm going soon", to which I replied "Oh, aren't we just the little ray of sunshine today" which made her smile but she's right. I don't think she will make it much further. Though I've always had dogs and cats, I've lived alone and done for myself most of my life. We've never been close, far from it, but when my mother passes I think somehow I'll feel like an orphan. Weird isn't it?
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I am not always thrilled with my choices.... but I don't beat me up, and I sure as h*ll won't let anyone else do it....
One of the things I make myself do when I am very depressed, is when I leave the house, I make it a point to make eye contact with people and smile... most of the time , they smile back... so sometimes I have to give in order to receive... and the smiles eventually lift my spirits some.....
Guess so some extent, we heal in some way till the day we die..... by planting flowers, by loving our animals.... smiling when we don't feel like.... our only limitations is our imagination......
What I can not do alone, I can do with my awesome friends.... that is my family..... hugs to everyone...
It went behind the curtain. I stood there waiting, shaking the can. I knew that sooner or later, it will show itself - like all roaches do. I heard it scurrying. {{shudder}} There it is! On the floor. Still don't look like a roach. I sprayed it and fled. Our roaches - if you spray it - it goes Crazy, running around like Speedy Gonzales - so difficult to keep track with your eyes. That's how fast our roaches run or fly. This roach (?) didn't even move at all. It moseyed on the floor. Hmmm...not a roach? OMG! Please let this Raid work because I don't want to stomp on it. I sprayed it again. Hmmm.. No reaction. Moseying along. I sprayed it again. Sat down on the sofabed and watched it moseying around. It Finally showed signs when it tried to climb up and kept falling.
This morning, I googled variety of roaches. I found it! It's an Oriental roach! OMG!!! We will now have 2 versions of this cockroach!!! Pros- it doesn't run fast like ours - so easier to kill. Cons - it takes More Raid to kill it.
After work, I'm going to Google our environmental control somebody and ask them if we are now being infested by this kind of roach. And if not, I have a dead one they can have - and where I THINK it hijacked from.
Then, she had me fill out this questionaire. 0 for never, 1 rare, 2 sometimes, 3 is most times, 4 is all the time. I breezed through it. Lots of 1 and 3 and 4. I gave it to her. She checked the numbers, added it up, and said, "According to this, you are very stressed out." Ohhhh....
I told her that compared to when mom was alive, I mentally think I'm doing really well. BUT my body is saying the opposite. I admit, I've been getting chest pains lately. And last night, when I was changing dad's pamper, I got so dizzy, I landed on his bed. sigh... Like you all - she kept emphasizing that I need to see the doctor. I Was suppose to call in and make an appointment. Really. But I keep forgetting. I even wrote a note of reminder. Except, I can't find it.
Ha! I guess I still qualify in their caregiver respite program. I really thought I was doing good. Obviously, I'm not. I just got a brainstorm. I'm going to set up an alarm for tomorrow around 10am- it will remind me to call the clinic and make an appointment. I will ask both of my nieces to also send me a text to remind me. This way, I won't forget. Gotta do that now before I forget....since it's time to change dad's pamper.
Ladee I can picture that in my mind and I'm still laughing. I leave the back door open all day so the critters can come and go as they please which lets loads of flies in. I've got pretty good with the fly swatter!
Tex, way to go! Just don't overdo it.
Book if you qualify for respite go for it! In my experience care givers eventually go numb, never feeling very well and just trudging from day to day. You really do need to get away for a while.
Book, it's not that you aren't doing good, you are.... but like what was said... we just get to the point we don't pay attention anymore....and what are you going to tell the Dr..??? What can a Dr. do??? Are they going to go to the house and take care of dad while you come to the states and visit all of us.... then we take you hostage and won't let you go back home????? Let us know what the Dr says.
Cujo has been doing so great since the daughter has stopped giving her Seroquel....no more outbursts.... ect......it won't last, but at least now I will know what is her LBD, or med related behavior.....this whole week we have talked and laughed and had a relaxing time... if the old man would not insist on being the center of attention and still yammering about when he was in the WAR.....
It almost got weird last night.... he was starting to 'preach'...uh, no, we really shouldn't go there , right???....After a few minutes of that, I suggested we change the subject as each person has their own beliefs and we can just simply respect that in each other.... I AM SO TIRED .... of not being who I am.... no way was that what was going on in my head in reaction and response to that monologue.....always being professional.....Keeping my mouth shut is taking it's toll.... lol....