This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
No-one in my family has ever had parkinsons or dementia, though my paternal grandmother got a bit whacky when she was 90+ and had to be placed for her own safety. My maternal grandma was a wonderful woman, Sara. She loved animals, gardening and nature and was back then an animal rescuer, even before there was such thing. She dropped dead from stroke in her 80s but I feel her close to me more and more. We are kindred spirits you see - nature, animals, growing stuff.
If I ever start losing my mind I'm outta here. I'm making provision for my beloved pets so they are safe and cared for when I pass. In the meantime I smoke and like a drink ... sue me. After a life time of abuse caused by Mommie Dearest I will go out my way and I'll cross the Rainbow Bridge.
Poor Cujo was trying to step on a spider last night and ended up falling back into the bathtub... !!! I went running in there and there she was..... with her legs hanging over the side of the tub....she did bump her head.... after she let me check her out that nothing was broken or bent, she maneuvered herself in such a way I could help her out of the tub....funny how the aching back wasn't an issue until later when I realized what I had done..... but she was fine... a little rattled....but not hurt physically..... after she got finished in the bathroom she stomped, as much as anyone with a walker can stomp, into the living room and read MrM the riot act for not coming to help her !!!! Talk about a 911 situation...... ya, emergency, there is a pile of old people in the bathroom, can you send some help.... ???
Just been tuning out the daughter... she never says anything of importance, so just waiting until her lips stop moving is helping..... what ever it takes, right ya'll??!!!
Last night..... woot woot..... Love and hugs.... and chocolate.... chocolate in on my menu tonight for sure..... love ya'll
I have read that when a person starts to get dementia, it affects their brain, their thinking. I was like you all. If I start to get like mom, I would kill myself. But, the latest studies show that this reasoning goes away when you get dementia. You can write a note to remind yourself. But when the time arrives, you can read it and be puzzled by the instructions. That was just sooooo disappointing! The only way to do this would be to have someone help you commit suicide without them getting caught.
VTShan, I hope the family is united on this – even if MIL is against it. I Hope she agrees to help in paying for her care – but I really doubt it. Maybe she will surprise us all and agree.
Onlytheonly, hang in there. In the meantime, find ways to tune her out, work around her hissy fits, and an alternate place of living (for you or her) when you've had enough. I have several options if I ever decide to walk away from dad. Because I have these viable options, I can handle him. Knowing that I can walk off if I wanted.
Glad, one thing I learned from these flying roaches, which I passed down this wisdom to my nieces when they would scream their heads off - over a lizard jumping on them. I told them that no matter how terrified you are, do NOT scream with your mouth open. Because the frightened lizard (for me, the roach), would see this dark cave (your mouth screaming wide open) and think it's a Safe place to Hide! They would most likely aim for your mouth. So, Glad, when I say I'm screaming when the cockroach lands on me, I'm screaming with my mouth closed. (Like a gagged person screaming.)
Off to shower. Only 1030pm and I'm soooo tired. Later....
You're very lucky to have such a good family to help (many of us don't)... Now is the time to give yourself some much deserved rest. You can always visit your mom, if you need to. The stimulation from the move may even help your mom a bit... We all feel the guilt of not doing enough. It comes with our nature. God Bless you and your family.
Sad thing is, I am still here. There to take care of them.
Who does the car belong to? If it is yours don't allow him to drive it.
Go to social services, Catholic Charities or any other service in your area where you can talk to a social worker. Ask for their advice on what your options are. He has already used physical force on you and it can only escalate from here. He needs a psychological evaluation and if necessary medication to moderate his behavior. What does your mother want to happen. If she wants to be with him then they must go to some kind of assisted living situation.
Do you have any siblings who could intervene.
If he owns the car give him the keys and let him pack up but tell him in no uncertain terms that he will not be allowed to return to the house. if he tries to get in call the police and have him removed. he will probably get so mad that they will take him to the ER for an evaluation. Once there you can tell them you are no longer able to care for him and will not allow him to return to your home. he has already demonstrated violence against you and you are fearful for the safety of your young child.
Hard as it may be you do need to act now before it gets worse. Blessings
YOU ARE IN NO WAY TO BLAME FOR YOUR FATHER'S ATROCIOUS BEHAVIOUR.
I hope the family does wake up to reality and come to your aid very soon. God bless you x
Sending prayers for a great and speedy outcome for you and your son....You have our support to not be abused, for any reason, by anyone..
You are in an abusive relationship you don't need to be married to someone for that to be the case. As CM says you are not causing your fathers disfunction. From what you say I don't feel that his behaviour is due to dementia, I see him as mentally ill and urgently needing treatment for that. I have seen others diagnosed with bipolar behave in much the same way and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change the behaviour.
I appreciate that you have just had a proceedure and were still feeling the effects of that but what happened had nothing to do with it. You were quite right to get out of the car and it is no surprise he left you alone. Nor is it a surprise you found him packing when you got home. he would not have come back for you. you are adults and could have called a cab would be his reasoning. It was all about him and the way he was feeling at the time which was totally unloved, unappreciated and angry that he had had to spend the better part of the day sitting in a hospital waiting room while you got all the attention. With the mentally ill they are always #1. their pain is always the most intense, when you are getting the flu they head for bed first if you are stupid enough to mention you don't feel well and expect to be waited on even if your temp is 104 and they just sneezed a couple of times. They way he was feeling at that moment he had to run away, all he wanted to do way be alone and find some peace. i don't know what he would have done, maybe gone back to Ohio or to a motel for a couple of days while he licked his wounds. He really can't help it it is part of the disease, he feels just as terrible on the inside as he makes you feel. Now that is not an excuse for bad behaviour nor should you tolerate it. but once you know how whatever is wrong with him 'works' you have to keep one step ahead like you have to with a hyperactive child. Anticipate what their next action will be and take steps to head it off at the pass. Confrontation never works. On the other side of the coin he would be totally devastated if anything happened to any of his family and have a very hard time dealing with that. he does not sound like a narcisistic man every if he has always been unpleasanr to those nearest and dearest. I am also going to guess when strangers are around he is the most pleasant person you could wish to meet. Your mother has always been the doormat so off course she sees anything you do to avoid his bad behaviour as confrontation. This is not a situation you are equiped to deal with at all unless you happen to be a psychiatrist in your spare time. I hope I have not upset you but I have to write it as I see it. Blessings