This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I just heard from sis in the states. As I mentioned before, my family tend to sense the spirits. Oldest sis sees and talks to them. 2nd oldest sis - gets visited by recently deceased relatives. Oldest bro has something but I don't know what. I sense them. Fave sis gets 'visited' by them.
I just heard from older sis that baby sister gets dreams. She doesn't remember her dreams. But if she does remember her dream, then it means something. She once dreamed her co-worker's mother sitting at their work. Her coworker's mom died. She once dreamed of an acquaintance committing suicide. She warned the acquaintance's boyfriend but no one took it seriously since that person was an upbeat person. That person threw herself off the building and died.
Baby sister said that she's been dreaming of mom for several nights in a row. Mom keeps appearing at her work. In her dreams, Sis would look in the mirror and see mom behind her. Mom is just staring at her. The first time she dreamed this, it terrified her. But, when she kept getting the same dream, she finally figured out that mom is trying to tell her something. When she told this dream to older sis, older sis remembered me telling her that baby bro has lost so much weight. So baby sis figured mom was telling her to help baby bro. This was last week.
Yesterday, older sis got a text message that baby bro is going to have an exploratory on his erratic heart (beats erratically - too fast, then too slow). He wasn't going to tell anyone about it. Both sisters lectured him. They will fly to VA to be there for his exploratory appointment.
Oldest sis made a snide remark that I always text them when there's a medical emergency with the parents. She said that a phone call is better. Ha! I will still text them for any medical emergencies. (Yes, I text them all that mom was dying and that she wouldn't last 2 weeks.)
When she told me this, I asked her when she was dreaming, which room was she in? She said the new addition built by her stepdad. I told her that she needs to have the room blessed. But I remembered your post Veronica, so I also said that she can try burning sage. She will most likely do the blessing option by the Catholic priest.
Must have overdone the bending over yesterday with weeding and planting fall plants for customers as my eye has been a bit sore so will have to watch the amount of bending over ( puts pressure on the eye). Right eye gets repaired Wednesday. Good news is that next month we should finally be able to connect to decent internet service! Time warner did not think we had service past our house despite my insistence that we did. Have to get the wiring bored under road and then another 150 ft or so to the house but will be nice when finally happens. Good day with dad shopped local farmers market, Costco, a simple lunch and a antique tractor show. He has been doing well which is always good.
P.S... maybe your guts Is telling you that you're trying too hard? That maybe only a Perfect person can meet your mother's demanding expectations?
P.S....a perfect person would never go about doing things the way she does so I doubt she would be satisfied with that person either. Probably holds true for your dad as well.
I tell myself repeatedly everyday, almost like a mantra that I recite in my mind
"I am a robot, an automatron. I do not make choices or decisions of my own. I do not speak unless spoken to. I do not have an opinion or advice to offer. I do not act without instruction. I must be silent and idle when waiting for a directive. When given a task I must perform it immediately and exactly as instructed. Most importantly I must accept blame. I must not attempt to defend myself."
Unfortunately I am a human and I do not seem to have the ability to follow my own best advice. No matter how hard I try to be a machine my brain overrides that desire and inserts my personality. The result is a confrontation that ends badly. If I win the battles I loose the war. She has decided that no man will ever dominate her again. It has become obvious that she will eliminate from her life anyone that tries to influence her decisions. She seemed to be suffering alone so I came to help her out of the situation. She doesn't seem to understand that if she continues doing what she has been doing these past few years she will continue to get what she has been getting. She admits that she has been depressed by what seems like insurmountable obstacles in her life but she refuses to change her path. I feel very sad for her.
Don't forget, you do also have the option of stepping back, or even stepping down altogether. Knowing that's there can help you breathe more easily.
Would you like to say more about what your situation is?
When mom was alive, he wouldn't listen to me. I'm a female. I know nothing. I should keep my mouth shut. I kept trying to get him to take mom to the clinic/ER over and over throughout the years. I realized early on that he would never listen to me seriously since I'm a dumb female. So, I've learned with bitterness that I had to call my 16 year old nephew to come visit us, happen to look at Grandma and then tell grandpa that grandma looks like bad and he needs to call 911. It never fails. My dad would listen to this 16 year old than to listen to his assistant caregiver 30-something daughter. Just because a Male told him, he will listen. He's still like this, you know. My nephews know and accept their roles when it comes to grandpa. The same now with the home care nurse. He understands when I call him in frustration. He would drop by and talk with my dad. And darn it! My dad listens to him! So... as you can see, our parents are beginning to seem quite similar. Eeww!!!
Except we both react to them differently. You sound just like my oldest sis. Maybe that's why I have the spiraling upward cholesterol and she doesn't. She goes with the flow while I fight/resist dad every step of the way. I am quite vocal in NOT taking any blame that I don't deserve. I've been punished for that all my life for things that my siblings got in trouble for - and I had to be punished along with them. So, I have been rebelling since I reached the age 18. I cannot and will not allow him to do to me what they did to me as a child who had to obey them. I know, I know, I'm suppose to let his words slide off but... that's pretty hard for me when I did that all my life as a child. Now, I rebel, rebel, rebel. I cannot be like my sister or like you.
The reason I recommended that you hop around is this. When I first found this site, I was filled with anger, hatred, despair, bitterness. I hopped all over the place, read everything - even subjects that had nothing to do with my situation. I tell you this much, by hopping and reading every subject that I can, I learned a LOT of what to do and what not to do. I learned that others got it worse than me. I learned how I can better handle dad. I learned especially the importance to Document, Document, Document in case my dad reaches that dementia stage of accusing me of stealing from him. I learned that it's OKAY to fight for Me. This took months of reading on this site. I vented, vented and vented until I no longer hated my 7 siblings, the parents, my life and the world. Maybe if you hop around, you can decide what can work and would not work with you and your mother's situation. But at least you have ideas, right?
BOOK: Thank you for your Hugs...We are Catholic and Dad has been talking to the Chaplin once a month. I could take him or leave him as being raisaed with the Bible I know what it's all about but he sometimes gives me the impression that he recently (within 20 yrs) found "Christianity". Sometimes annoys me as he talks like we've never heard of the bible! His last visit here he went on about going to Heaven and blah blah blah about it. But if it helps Dad, fine. Don't want to be judgmental towards the guy but at my age to not know about what he calls "Glory of God" would be ignorant. Just saying.
Anyhow, just keeping Dad comfortable and pain free as best I can. He comes & goes with his talking, a lot of staring out into space. I know he worries what will happen to me when he's gone and I let him know I'll be fine, as he has mentioned this before. He's such a controlling man that I think he is getting bummed that he cannot control this outcome. We'll see. Hospice on speed dial and if all goes well, another visit from nurse tomorrow & bath aide. Taking it one hour at a time now.......
Lastly, funny story....Dad decided to trim eyebrows Friday and didn't have glasses on and damn near shaved his entire right eyebrow off! Going to trim up the left for him but he does look silly with one 1/2 inch brow and the other 3 inches and bushy!! So there is humor is all this stressful caregiving!! :)
I'm going to be saddened when Dad goes, but relieved that he is no longer in pain and I can be a normal human instead of a female that knows nothing .....LOL!
This is my first step online. I landed here because this thread seemed to be the open path when I clicked a google link. I have been considering contacting the providers maybe hospital or county i'm not sure exactly what is best. Actually I almost believe that only a dedicated professional therapist has a chance of resolving the issues. We are both exibiting childish and controlling behaviour. Right now I think we are both staying in our rooms to assert the feeling that we are hurt and suffering because of the other. I don't drink often but when I do I prefer the company of strangers. I am seriously considering going that direction right now. In the months I have been here she has rarely closed her bedroom door. She has a small dog named Tiny that gives her comfort and requires her to perform physical tasks. I like Tiny even with her seriously annoying personality defects. Moms door has been closed most of the time since yesteday morning. I think we both felt like we were going to have a good day together but suddenly it all changed in a few moments where we both lost control of our emotions. Based on our conversation today it seems that she has decided to make certain that it is abundantly clear that I have wasted my time upgrading her wireless networking in the home. She is insisting that I forced a data plan on to her. I provided it to her years ago when she sat in a desert campground just outside of Los Angeles for 2 days with what she thought was with what she thought was the flu. When she showed up late for her expected holiday season arrival time it was obvious she needed medical attention. At first the doctors thought she had a burst appenix but it turned out to a rupture in her intestinal tract caused buy three crude C-sections performed on her in 1960s. I have always down played, actualy decieved her on the cost. last spring when she was sitting in her RV using facebook on her iPhone and watching TV on her iPad she said she valued the service and wanted to assume the full expense. She has pleanty of money. Today is demanding that I drop her from my plan. She lives in te redwood forrest. I just completed a difficult task of configuring a $250 device that provides her cell coverage in her home. She has 3 phone numbers because land lines were required at both of her homes. She has 2 homes and a new RV. All different numbers. I have just solved the cell coverage issue so she can cancel the 2 land lines if she chooses to save money. I even installed a battery back up in the event of a power failure. Yes, I know it turned into a lot more than originally anticipated but it is completed as now. She is refusing to use her iPhone as of today based on some technical issues we suffered through during the summer. My Android worked great her iPhone was a challenge. It is new technology so it had bugs but they just got fixed. I feel like the preperations for the meal killed her appitite. Like she saw the cow being sluaghtered so now she won't eat it. I'm not excited about hopping around this forum looking for the relationship guru. I am about to spend my time shopping plane ticket back to Orange County where my my brother runs his record company. I like being the Captain that always pilots his four boats.
Dr. Hyde has no idea of Dr. Jekyll: is that how the story goes?
Whatever, glad today was not another thing I had to use a week to get over!
Jessie I second that HUH?
My cholest went up. He changed the Lipitor to Pravastatin Sod. Sounds scary. On the RX label it states: Report muscle/joint pain or fever.
A fellow poster sent me something on cholesterol pills. I'm going to dig up that email and read it. Like I tell myself that I'm going to use the treadmill in the bedroom... And I don't. Procrastinating.
I also had the flu shot. My arm is sore. And I feel soooo tired. I wasn't going to take it. But the doc said that with me working and taking care of my bedridden father, that I need to take the flu shot. Because of my father's weakened stage/age. So. I took the flu shot. He also kept reminding me that I need to contact dad's doctor or the gov't agency to give him the shot. Don't wait.
I love your mum. I think I know exactly how she feels. Doesn't mean I don't sympathise with you too!
I've got two close friends who have only boys - one has three, the other two. My ex SO's SIL (gosh life gets complicated!) also, she's got three boys. And my SIL, come to think of it: there she is living her life with a husband and two sons who love her very much but…
Anyway. I love my son very dearly. I am more grateful than I can say that I also have two daughters. And it's NOT because I expect them to watch over me in my old age.
Anyway, never mind that.
There are some things you should never do with somebody you can't risk falling out with. Teach her to drive. Partner her at bridge. Offer constructive criticism. And, er, fix her IT (not unless your day job is at the Genius bar, anyway)…
If I knew how to solve the electronics proliferation problem I would pass it on. Alas my solution is going to involve a trip to the City dump just as soon as I've got the cash to buy ONE phone and ONE computer with ONE printer.
If you know of one, then seriously the best thing you can do is call out a user-friendly engineer, tell him what your mother needs from her comms kit, and leave them to it. Ideally leave town, don't come back 'til it's over.
The bank accounts are worse - my mother did this. A credit card for every one of the myriad charities she approved of, made even livelier by her sending them back with a stern letter of disgust whenever they did something she didn't approve of. I have a confession: when my überefficient sister registered her Enduring Power of Attorney, rolled up her sleeves and asked for mother's documents I had them all ready for her. Boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes… I did wait 'til she'd loaded up her car and left before I grinned and went tee-hee-hee.
Um, look. You're on a bit of a hiding to nothing. If it's any consolation, soon enough the day will come when those treasured hordes are a matter of absolute indifference to her and you're left scratching your head and wondering what on earth all that effort was for. We had a four drawer full size office filing cabinet (not the only, but the biggest). It was hideous, insanely heavy and stuffed beyond opening with those vicious and useless suspension files. Decades of pleading would not part mother from it. 18 months ago, we politely ask her if we can just move it to decorate a room and she waves it away. Like it's nothing. Well f*** me! Wish we'd just "disappeared" it years ago, now.
This stuff is painful. I'm not underestimating how painful.
What would I want from my boy if I'd got to where your mother is (probably will, bar the pot. Life is unfair). I would want him to…. Be okay. Be happy. What would I want him to do FOR me? Phew. Possibly get things done, but not do them himself. I think that might be the trick. If he turned up with a nice bottle of Burgundy, and happened to have called an electrician to come and get the lights fixed, then we could have a lovely chat over a glass of wine and then lo and behold the light would be working.
Don't go! We're not not interested - it's just that things move fast and it can be hard to keep up.
Tick Tock Tick Tock...
The bus comes early this week
Daycare for Mom a day off for me
Eight hours until the bus returns
Tick Tock a long time you think
Shopping, errands a quick visit with a friend
Oh no it's one o'clock not long now
Oh no it's two o'clock found a friend
Tick Tock tell me everything quickly make me smile
Tick tock only a heart beat 2:15
He will be here soon I can feel him close
Tick tock another heart beat 2:30
He is here standing quietly behind me
Tick Tock Tick Tock
Ever so slowly he places those weights how much a thousand two thousand
He adjusts the balance a little nuge perfect
Always gentle don't damage the merchandise don't damage the caregiver
Tick tock another heart beat 2:45
Quick smile good bye all have to run the bus is coming
Tick Tock Tick Tock
He is waiting in the car already poised in the backseat
In the driveway 2:55
He is so meticulous as he he tightens the straps securing the weights
Always gentle don't damage the merchandise don't damage the caregiver
My knees start to buckle as my feet touch the ground
It's ok I say it's ok I love her so
Tick Tock until next week
Tick Tock Tick Tock
FYI, my dad's on Cipro. The pharmacist wanted to talk to me before they released the meds. The home care nurse informed her that dad takes herbal supplements. She explained to me the importance of NOT taking these supplements while he's on the Cipro for the next 7days. It's okay for him to take the multivitamin but it must be 2 hours after the Cipro or 6 hours before the Cipro.
This is only day 1. And it's a major battlefield trying to explain why he cannot take his multitude of herbal supplements. I can tell that sis gave in. I explained it to her several times but it's useless. She will do whatever dad wants. Period. So, tonight, I explained in more detail WHY the pharmacist wanted to talk to me. She said that the Cipro can have certain effects to the herbals by increasing their strength. I need to try to get sis to understand the danger of giving dad the herbals because it can multiply it's dosage in dad's body. Later. And good night!