This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I had to cut short my afternoon shopping. I was shocked to hear in the radio when this military man came on to make an announcement. He said something about typhoon tomorrow. Huh? I looked out of my car window - and it was nice, hot sunny weather. No black clouds. At all. Huh? So, I decided to stock up in non-perishable food and water.
I saw this young mother with her kids. They were all so excited as she was stocking up in her cart lots of frozen food (mostly meat). With my cart, I stood next to her as she kept adding more frozen veggies in her cart. She finally noticed me just standing there. She apologized that she was blocking the freezer door.
I said, "No. It's not that. It's just.... I don't know if I should tell you this or not... It's just that when I just parked in the parking lot, this military man came on the radio and said that we are on Core 3 and it might become a typhoon by tomorrow night. Yet I looked out the window and it's so hot, bright and sunny. Then I see you with all those frozen food." I gestured to her cart. And continued, "If there is a typhoon, I sure hope you have a generator!."
She looked at me, then her cart. And she sincerely thanked me. She said that her husband was suppose to call the Homeland Security to find out the storm status. She said that she's going to put it all back - just in case - and thanked me again.
When I got home at 2pm, oldest sis had also heard the announcement on the radio. She was hanging up dad's final laundry on the front porch. I was able to do my 1 laundry. Tonight, I will iron all my work clothes that I've been pilling on my bunkbed - just in case... I hate to go to work in wrinkle clothes.
That was 3 hours ago. Guess what? We have Dark Clouds overhead. And it's not even 5pm. The storm is coming up fast. I'm recharging all 3 of my cell phones (1 is not working but I use it as my morning alarm.) I will also charge up all my ereaders. All flashlights/lanterns batteries are working. If it rains hard, I will need to make sure everything of value is way off the floor because our home is in a flood zone. Last bad typhoon, we got flooded. I spent all night on top of the exercise bike with my legs up on front wheel. I need to make sure that dad's electric bed is not fully up or else it would be stuck in that one position with the power out. Ugh!! Too many things to remember. Sis - would be hiding in her bedroom the whole time. I get to be stuck with dad and his mouth for hours. Whoopee.. NOT!!!
Well, now that I'm done with the household chores, I will go back to logging all those FREE ebooks I downloaded on both the Kindle & Nook - to my book lists. I list All ebooks downloaded on my file (Ebooks Bought & to Read). I list it in alphabetical order by the author's last name, the series, the title, how many pages and category (R romance, M mystery, SF sci-fi, Super supernaturals like vamps & shapeshifters, N novels, etc....) Then I print this list out and carry it with me. If I feel like reading a short ebook, I have my list and look for ones that are under 100 pages. If I'm not interested in reading a series, then I won't read Book 1 of this series because there's like 4 more books after that. Sigh... I know, I know. Too Detailed Oriented. BUT, I know at a glance what the ebook is about (mystery, romance, etc..)
Warning..some of these short FREE ebooks ends Incomplete! To read the rest of the book, you have to purchase it. So, I copy the book's info, and transfer it to my file titled: "Ebooks NOT Buy" then I put a short note after it, like (Incomplete!) I hate it when authors do this. Instead of drawing me in by forcing me to buy the ending half, instead, I mark Against the author and will never ever download or buy their books. Because they were deceitful.
One author had all 3 of their books for free - 300some pages. I was hooked into the werewolf series. When I was done, I went online and reviewed it. I told the author that he/she should charge for Books 2 and 3. It was that good and worth paying for it.
In exactly 12 hours to the minute, it will be 365 from the moment my beautiful mom died in my arms, in her bed, in our home. I know that throughout my life I have heard countless people say, "I have no idea where the time goes" - but I can honestly say that for the first time in my life - it seems as if a whole year (minus 12 hours) has somehow gone on without me. The days have all seeped into one. And now suddenly I am supposed to believe that a YEAR has gone by? I went outside a few minutes while the neighborhood sleeps and I "planted" these different silk flowers in different shades of yellow, orange, and white. I put them out there the summer of 2013 when I had cool windsocks of beach people blowing in the wind from our gutter, lots of stained-glass pieces suctioned to our front window, wind chimes, and anything else I could think of to make our home bright and beautiful and as full of joy on the outside as we were on the inside. But after my mom died, I pulled the silk flowers up and put them in the garage; there's one stained-glass art piece still suctioned to the window, all the rest have fallen these past 12 months and are stuck between the blinds and the window. The windsocks are in the house, but the chimes still call to me outside the open window. I know it's my mom reminding me that she is here with me. I put the flowers out tonight because it marks the day that she was alive when she died. So, I have been stuck in time. Frozen. There has been no purpose for my life these past 12 months except to love and care for our wonderful dog, Shadow (aka Buddy Love). I have cried myself to sleep each night and I wake up crying. I cry every day. The sadness overwhelms me. I miss my mom so much. I miss my life with my mom. I miss the joy I had with my mom. Do I take the Christmas tree down that has been up since August 2013? My sister keeps asking me if I've thrown out the gourds that are slowly shrinking from September 2013 that are on the bookshelves-transformed-into-medical supplies shelves. Do I take a apart the hospital bed in our living room and try to sleep in our bedroom again? Do I try to wear something besides black? Tonight the answer is NO to everything. Why bother? Why make myself more upset? If I take the tree down, I'll probably never put it back up. I can't think. I can't breathe. I can't stand the thought of going on like this without my mom. This past year was proof that my life is meaningless without my mom. I miss my mom and dad. All the people I have loved in my life - my mom, my dad, my uncle, my aunts, my favorite college professor - they've all gone on to Heaven. I'm alone. My siblings are married with their own families - many states and a million emotional miles away. I think about my mom 24/7. I hate when people ask me how I am - when strangers ask me just as a courtesy question - I think to myself, "Do I tell them I am devastated?" or do I just say "Fine, any you?" I hate when a neighbor asks. I cry in every conversation. So I try not to have any. A year ago tonight my mom and I returned home from the ER. Her feeding tube hole opening was seeping so I thought we could just go to the hospital to have it fixed. Her oxygen level was dropping slowly, though I had the oxygen machine on the maximum. My mom's regular doctor called the ER doctor and said he wanted to talk to me. He said, "You are either going to have to admit her for hospice care here or take her home. There's nothing we can do for her." I didn't know what to do. I knew that I didn't want hospice and I certainly didn't want hospice in the hospital. I said, "What do I do when we go home?" and he said, "Be as loving and wonderful to her as you have always been." and I said, "then what?" and he said, "Keep her comfortable." and I said, "and then what?" and he said, "What do you mean?" and I said, "and then what?" and he said, "you call me after she passes." and then he said something like, "we can do this together, I am here for you." and I never talked to him after that. I think my sister talked to him because I wasn't going to call him or the police or the funeral home. My sister did all that. From Virginia. I called my brother and my sister weeks before and I asked them if they could come in for a few weeks. They couldn't. They came in after our mom died. Before my mom and I came back home from the ER visit (which was terrible - the staff was terrible - terrible - I reported them in a formal complaint weeks later). But before we came home in the ambulance, I went to the corner pharmacy to get the last prescription filled that I would ever get filled for my mom. The doctor said to give her some morphine. So I went to the pharmacy and cried and cried and cried sitting there waiting for the prescription to be filled and knowing that it meant death would be coming to our home soon. So went home and I got my mom all comfortable and I gave her a drop of the morphine and I snuggled into bed with her and held her. I got up throughout the night to take care of all the things that she needed taken care of - and one of the times I got back into bed with her - her breathing had changed. After my mom died I called my sister. She said that I didn't need to call the police straightaway, that I could wait a little while if I wanted to pray with my mom there. So I somehow cared for my mom and did all the things I normally would do for her - except now she wasn't breathing anymore. She died at 11:05 AM on a Sunday morning (11:05 is my dad's birthday - November 5th). At 8 PM at night, I called my sister back and told her she could call the police now and the funeral home. It rained a lot that night. It stormed. I asked the funeral director when he came over if we could take my mom outside into the vehicle via our back door and deck and ramp instead of the front door. It rained. I had an umbrella over my mom's face because I didn't want her to get wet from the rain. OH MY GOD. OH MY DEAR GOD.
Book, I can understand your feelings too. I got *so* irritated at mom yesterday, while I scrambled from 4am until 5pm last night to get us ready to leave the house, get everything ready for the workers to come in and refinish the floors, pets to the sitter, house-sitter briefed and ready to come in when we left, etc - she refused to help me at all by showering and getting herself ready, and then when the ONLY thing left to do before we left was for her to shower...well, then she decided she needed a nap first! I kind of lost it a little bit and said it would probably be 10pm before we reached our destination now....she just let me blow and rant a little bit and then took her nap anyway. Not like it did me a whole lot of good to do that, right? Ugh.
Today, I am busy working and trying to keep up with the extra laundry Mom is producing, which seems to be quite a bit extra...
When I say that I know my mom is in a much better place, those aren't just empty words. That's something that I believe with all I've got. Your mom is in her own personal paradise right now.
I don't fear death. Death is simply leaving one place to go to the next. Everyone that's worthy and good at heart will be in a place of their own choosing. Whatever brings someone the utmost joy and peace is what they're surrounded with when they die. When I die, my new world will be filled with dragons and lush foliage and dinosaurs and fairies and magic and....yeah. Each person gets their own place of wonder and everyone can visit everyone else.
Your mom isn't dead. She's living large somewhere else.
Ah, Book, I remember all that poopy laundry well....I dreaded going into my mom's room in the morning. God knows what I'd find waiting for me. Sometimes it wasn't pretty. And who doesn't lose patience sometimes? You'd have to be made of rock or wearing a halo not to. Don't beat yourself up too much. It's a waste of time. That goes for everyone. The good everyone does is the important thing and means a whole lot more than an occasional loss of temper or patience, which, under the circumstances, comes with the territory. Sure there were times I lost it. But there were also a whole lot more times I could have lost it and didn't, so yeah.
I just got back from the beach. I felt an intense need to just get away for a few days. It was glorious. I think part of the problem for some people, me included, is that we've forgotten how to LIVE and what living really means and what it really feels like. I remembered at the beach. I didn't want to come back home. But I did come back feeling refreshed and energized with a new perspective. Until...
Some of you know that my oldest son Sean has a problem with the drug called Spice. I've been battling him to stop that mess for awhile now. He hasn't. He had a bad reaction a while back and I had to call 911 because he was out of his mind crazy after smoking a bad batch of it. He slowed down after that and I thought recently that he had pretty much quit it.
He's spent every dime he had and is broke so I figured there's no way he could get more of it. Wrong. He took my debit card and got some behind my back. I flipped my sh*t when I found that out. I snatched that bag out of his hand and flushed it down the toilet. I wasn't angry, I was enraged.
A couple days ago, the night we got back from the beach, I went to bed and was just falling asleep when I heard this huge crash. I still have some PTSD from dealing with my mom's many falls, and any noise or bump causes my blood pressure to sky rocket. My heart almost jumped out of my chest when I heard that crash in Sean's room. I run in there and the bathroom door is shut and I'm yelling through the door, asking if he's ok. He kept saying not to come in, please don't come in....I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was whacked on something. I opened the door and he was on the floor, the shower doors completely knocked off the track. He was obviously on spice, pale, shaking...I lost it. I was yelling at him at the top of my lungs, calling him all kinds of stupid. Then I called 911 again because he was shaking out of control.
He was alright, but I told the cops they might want to stick around because if that shit didn't kill him, I just might.
Both of my son's refuse to grow up. The burden of the bills, the house, everything, is all on me. Sometimes I look so stressed and haggard from the constant pressure I don't leave the house. At a point where I need peace and strength and positive thoughts, I can't seem to get any.
I feel confused, conflicted and so damn alone.
I want to jump in the car and leave and piss on them both. But somehow I can't. They'd sink like a stone. I talk until I'm blue about the stress they're putting on me. It's like they're oblivious. I wonder if I have to have a heart attack to wake them up.
After that incident with Sean and the spice, I just feel drained. All the energy I gained at the beach was wiped out in one second flat with that situation. At a time when I need the most energy and focus, I have the least.
I have no clue what keeps me going. I should have broken like a twig long ago. I fight anxiety, PTSD, depression, frustration, you name it. Yet I still get up and try and do what needs doing.
I wonder how much longer I can keep it up. As long as I have to I guess.
A word to the Almighty would be appreciated, people. I need all the divine intervention I can get at this point.
Take care and stay strong.
I recently had to make a similar choice. The friend that caused the fire at my home, long story short, was found collapsed by his truck in another state almost two weeks ago now. Social worker called me five days later because he seemed confused. Something has snapped in his brain. It was hard but I told the SW she would have to call his Dad, that I will not care for him any longer, not one more person!
I don't know how it is to happen. But Sean has an addiction that all the talk in the world will not cure. Life changing steps need to be taken by Sean, as much as you demand he change he simply cannot. I hope you have been successful at taking care of the home ownership with Sean.
Your thing here is new to me. Cool to support each other....BLESSINGS...
For example: try an affirmation, something like this:
I am never alone. God is helping me and loving me. God is helping my son. We find support and help us to be healthy and happy. I have faith and I open my eyes to His constant love and help for me. Thank you for these changes.
Wish you and your son could find a passion that you can rely upon to guide you to better times. But willpower and choice is our ally and obstacle.
Hugs to you
BUT, if she's living with you, then that's a different scenario, with different options.
Grams is going to get worse. If she's so negative, bitter now, do you see her slip a teeny tiny bit as if she wants to hit you or anyone in anger? You know what I mean. Its when the tension is high, and the person is in such anger, that they are shaking so hard because they want to hit out. I see this in children, in my dad, in myself, etc... If you see this, know this right now, that as your Grams progress in her dementia, she will lose control of her restraint. The dementia will allow her to hit out or say awful things without hesitation. Please watch for any signs that she's heading towards this stage. Ideally, going to the doctor for medications to help with her negative emotions would be great. And that's another story - trying to get her to the clinic.
The big question is does gram still control the money for the household?
Today at lunch, I read a new book, a new author. I started giggling as I read the first chapter. Bingo! I finally found a book that catches my attention, and made me laugh. I went back to work. All afternoon, instead of thinking of Agingcare and what's up, I was eager to go home so that I can read more of my new book.
Changing dad's pamper tonight. His bed is cluttered. When I pulled the lifter towards me so that he can be centered on the bed, his clutter also ended up near the edge. As I was passing his foot, my hip hit the bed, and his stuff fell on the floor. Dad looked at me, and I automatically said, "I didn't do it! I'm over here." He was wondering how it fell. Then I'm now on the other side, and as I leaned against the bed roughly, more stuff fell to the floor. He looked at me and I said, "I didn't do it, I'm way over here!" And he said, "I didn't do it either!" We both chuckled.
Sigh... I gave in to my cravings. After successfully doing 30 minutes on the treadmill, I was hungry. So, I went and got myself a full bowl of ice cream with 2 tablespoons of chocolate fudge on it. Kind of useless to exercise if I'm going to sabotage it with ice cream. Tomorrow, I'm going to Google on how to handle this after-exercise-food-cravings.
Well, my hair is still wet from showering. Time to go sit in front of my floor fan in my bedroom to air blow dry my hair. Nope, I don't have a hair dryer. I just use the fan, and a large brush to comb my hair while drying. Midnight here. Gotta go.