The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Well no, of course you don't want that all over the shower floor - I should have said to put it in a container of some sort.

Finally getting back up to speed after our 2-week absence from the house so the floors could be refinished. Feeling under the weather today but trying to power through it. No time to deal with cold symptoms!

I put up our Halloween decor today, stickies on the windows and dressed up the seagull statue I bought Mom this summer - I made him a little ghost costume out of a white floursack towel, complete with hole cut out for his beak. LOL Hilariously cute. Added some mini pumpkins and gourds around the base of his stand and ta-da! Instant Halloween decor. Need to see if I can make a turkey outfit for him or a pilgrim suit for Thanksgiving - ha! I've already got his Santa suit for Christmas - the stores sell wine bottle slipcovers for the holidays - one of them fits the seagull perfectly, complete with hat. I'm probably putting too much into this, but it entertains Mom and adds a little something to the house to have decor outside.

Had Mom put together the treat boxes for the Trick or Treaters coming tomorrow. We don't get many kids here for Halloween, so I splurged a little bit and bought treat boxes to fill with candy and small (cheap) party favors. I think the kids will love it. :-) Mom liked filling the boxes (and ate a decent amount of candy along the way, couldn't exacty tell her she couldn't have any with it sitting in front of her) - but a telling moment was when she tried to assemble the little treat boxes. They are just simple boxes that have to be folded a few times to be assembled, and a couple of tabs put into slots to hold them together - but she took one look at them and asked if I would put them together for her. Kind of sad, but I had a feeling it would happen. So I assembled the boxes and she filled them. I think it made her feel good to have something to do.

That is sweet, you had a good day even with the cold symptoms. My momma is sad today. She is always cold and her bones hurt her so much. Since her slip 2 weeks ago she has slowed down even more. She is so blessed that she didn't brake anything, just bruised her foot a bit. Makes me sad, she sleeps too much too. But we try to keep her happy and comfortable, so if she wants to go to bed early we let her. She can't get up our three steps anymore so we put in a ramp for her wheel chair. She thinks that is fun. I'll take her a ride tomorrow and get her a Happy Meal at Mc Donald's. She likes that. I cherish each day. Sending you all love & hugs.

Sounds like you have a good handle on things, College. It's not always easy for us to cherish the tough days, but it's important to try. When we have to vent, this is the place to do it.

Mom's not had a great week, memory-wise, and I've been doing more laundry than normal because of that. (She forgets to take care of certain personal hygiene items and then has accidents...we do the "bathroom dance" all day, with me reminding her and her going in and then forgetting and coming out, and having to go back in, then I finally go and watch her do it...) So I'm trying to make the best of it and keep her involved in things, but she's slowly slipping down that slope towards incapacity, despite my best efforts. Unfortunately, that's inevitable.

College, can you warm up a heavy blanket and wrap it around Mom's shoulders and legs? My mom loves it when I bring her freshly-washed and dried sweater or a blanket directly to her out of the dryer, nice and warm, and put it around her shoulders. Might help alleviate the "cold" feeling a little.

Can't wait to see what happens tonight at my parents' place. It is always an adventure of sorts. Last night, when I walked in my mom told me that there was some confusion about glasses when she got her hair done. Another woman insisted that mom had taken her glasses. The drama lasted all day. She told the beautician that she knew someone that would know if the glasses she had on were hers or not and when I got there I would make the decision. I felt like Solomon or Judge Judy. She told me she thought they weren't her glasses because she could not see with them on. After thoroughly examining the glasses ( she would have it no other way). I determined they were her glasses. All of the sudden she could see again. Twenty minutes later, my dad said - someone stole you mom's glasses today. So, I had to go through the whole experience with reviewing the glasses, etc. again. I believe that there are lessons that we are supposed to learn in life. My lesson is patience. I am not a patient person,but after 5 years of these experiences - I am sure that I am almost as patient as Job - life lesson learned - can I please move onto another life lesson? Perhaps one that is a little easier?

My mom also loves a blanket or towel right out of the dryer..And I bought a shoulder wrap that goes in the microwave and stays hot for a good while.
today I took my folks to a local Amish farmers market..about 30 minutes from our house. they are from Lancaster Pa. They loved it!! Made them feel like "home" for a bit We took a friend of mine and her older hubs.. we all really enjoyed ourselves, and had lunch out. Got Dad some exercise this way too! And they both got to visit with someone.. they are pretty isolated here, away from all thier friends. And I feel for you Burnedout,, Dad keeps asking where their car went.. we tell him his granddaughter is using it until her car gets fixed ( she hit a deer).. He keeps saying "I don;t know who that is.." She stopped by tonight for dinner.. he has no clue who she is. Upsets her, but I remind her he has no idea who we are either!

I am glad that my parents still recognize me. I am sure that it is coming. It must be hard to have parents who don't know who you are. Last year, some friend from my parents' old home town came to visit. These folks are a very close friends of my parents. After they left, my mom said it was nice meeting new people and asked again, who were those people. I mention friends and family that they have known for 70 years. They have know idea who I am talking about. Many times I leave in tears. It is very difficult to watch my parents lose touch with those who care most about them.

update on my broken arm...nothing they can do but wait for it to heal...hanging here in this sling thing...said will work on the frozen shoulder after the bone heals...still don't have full range of motion in the other shoulder that I dislocated 2 months ago...husband has been great...he installed a swoosh seat for me yesterday...not sure if to save what little dignity I have left or save himself from a fate worse than he wants to deal with...he should be on here now instead of me...anyway the swoosh is a toilet seat with a built in bidet...you have no idea how humiliating it is to not be able to use the bathroom by yourself until you've been there. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise that some of the mind usually goes before we get to that point. Any way this thing works great and I at least have some of my dignity restored...he still has to put me in the sower and scrub me down...but I'll take whatever progress is offered...

taking care of my 84 Mother who insist she does not need help but wants us to help her get things at the store. Do some things for her but gets mad and wants us to go home. She does not want to hear any suggestions to help her from us or her doctor's. She is getting worse but no is paying attention because she does not allow them to help her and feel frustration in dealing with her. That leads to our frustration.

I am so depressed and overwhelmed today and have been for the last 5 days. It comes and it goes. I told my mom today that I was overwhelmed and she got hurt and I feel like shit. She said just leave and I will be able to live on my own. My sister says that mom needs help showering and that sis just does it. Excuse me, you were here one day and she was done showering so she helped her get dressed. My mom could have had a shower person come in and she forbid it and she refuses to let me help. So mom can do it on her own. I said to mom look at it from my perspective. That I have to watch her 24/7 and now she is going to start a powerful pain med which means I cannot sneak out in the morning while she is sleeping because I don't know how she will react. I know what I said was wrong and I do not like hurting my mom because she is such a nice person. I keep thinking of my future, yeah what future? and its making me worse. I know all you know this feeling that its like groundhog day, the same day over and over and over. I apologized to mom and told her its not her its the disease but she is sad. I am such an idiot for saying anything. Why can't I keep my big mouth shut. I am going to my room and just cry.

Susan, thanks for the tip about using either dried Eucalyptus or Vicks Vaporub. Veronica knows me well. As I was reading your words, I was trying to figure out which corner to put it - without putting it into anything. Uhm... I don't have common sense. I'm visual. If I read something, I follow it exactly.

I will need to come back and continue reading. It's 920pm and time to change dad's pampers and then go shower.

Stressing. My car's engine light came on this morning. Then, because I was stressing that it would cost over $1300 (engine problem!??), I hit the curb while turning and dented my hubcaps hard into the rim. Now, when I'm driving, my car seems to shake sideways a lot. I will need to find a car repair to see if I just messed up the alignment (hopefully it's just the alignment and not... a damaged rim or something.)

Fligirl please do not be hard on yourself-you are doing an impossible job-it is hard not to verbalize our feelings -you are feeling very alone-elders do not come with instruction books.

fligirl - unfortunately what you are feeling is entirely normal. I have been taking care of my parents for 5 years. It feels like an eternity. I have lost 5 years of my life. I moved 3,000 miles to be close to grandchildren and almost never see them. After moving my parents here almost 5 years ago, I have now given up every outside activity and almost all of my friends. I work and take care of my parents. I get into what I call "snits" about having no life. My parent say that they want me to take care of myself - because if I don't they won't have anyone to take care of them. Take care of myself? I am lucky to get 2 hours without a call, a request and a list of things that they are unhappy about and that I need to fix. Sometimes, I just lose it. I then try to remember that I, to am human and there is a limit to what one person can do. I now truly believe that my parents will outlive me. My dad was very angry one day and said "I know that sometimes you wish we were dead." He has it all wrong, sometimes I wish I were. This is hard work and it is not for the faint of heart. Take deep breaths and realize that most people would not even consider doing what you are doing.
This is why I love this site. When I read other people's experiences, I don't feel so isolated. People will say, oh this must be like taking care of small children. So wrong. When you raise children, it is like a seeing a sponge expand and grow. Taking care of elderly parents, is like seeing a sponge shrink and dry up.
Nothing like taking care of children. So much more difficult and many times very sad.

Thanks burnedout. I needed to hear that.

fligirl, I can't tell you how many times I've had to do just what you did - go to my room and cry.

After a long day of trying to work (I work from home), watching mom just sit in her chair in front of the tv because she won't do anything else - not even walk into the kitchen to get herself a drink or a snack (even though she's capable of doing so), listening to her repeat the same things over and over, reminding her to take her pills, reminding her to change her incontinence pad (and then doing the "bathroom dance" with her, because she forgets to do it, comes out, I ask about it and she goes back in, then come out again having STILL not done it), doing endless loads of laundry caused by her wetting her protective chair pad and bedding and clothing....

Trust me, I get it. Most of us here do. We completely understand, and any time you need to vent, you go right ahead and vent.

Burnedout, you are exactly right - this is *nothing* like taking care of children. You get to experience the joy of your children growing and changing and learning, gaining their independence and becoming a person of their own. With an aging loved one or parent(s), you watch them slowly regress and slip away - at first it's just little things, like forgotten pills or a lapse in their driving skills. Then it becomes major things, like forgotten pills for a whole day or days, loss of hygiene skills, and inability to recognize people. It's so hard to watch them go downhill.

The only way I will say this is like caring for a baby is the fact that if you take your elder anywhere for a trip that involves an overnight - or longer - stay, you have to pack half the house, it seems! I'm still unpacking from our 2-week trip more than a week after returning home, and I have many things I can't find...feel like *I'm* the one starting to lose it a little....

Book when the engine check light comes on it is most often a faulty oxygen sensor
not worth destroying your wheel rims for

Book, I had a car, can't remember what it was now, but the engine light came on even if there was a brake light out.

I am awed that you would take an elderly parent on a 2 week trip anywhere. Just getting my parents to the doctor or a restaurant is a major event. Thinking forward to the Holidays, makes my heartbeat skip - have no idea how I will handle getting them in the car, up my steps, fix dinner and try to keep them comfortable. You should consider writing a book about travelling with elderly parents. I can't even imagine it. 12 years ago, I moved from California to Florida and decided to drive across county to see places I hadn't seen. My mom asked if she could fly out and drive with me. She said it would be like Thelma and Louise ( it was like driving Ms. Daisy) - then my dad decided, that he wanted to come. My parents were 78 and 75 at the time. We took 2 weeks and had a great time ( a little craziness but not much). Today, if I drive them across town, I almost have an anxiety attack. I am impressed with your effort!

Dear Burnedout13, I couldn't agree more. I was always very organized and quick to get things done when something came up. Some have even implied that I am controlling. Now taking care of my elderly, infirm mom, all that has had to change. Patience is contrary to my nature. I know what to do, how to do it and when to do it! Well that doesn't work to well in our new s urcomestance. As you might imagine it has been a real adjustment for me.
Now coming into a situation everyday and not knowing what I will find, I have had to completely change my approach. Things happen at a much slower pace and some days not at all. Thank you for letting me know I am not the only caregiver that has had to make this important adjustment. Now we all do whatever needs to be done each day and the rest can wait.

Thanks, Burnedout! The 2 week trip was more of a necessity than a vacation - I had our hardwood floors refinished in the house and had to be out of the house that long so it could be done. We went to a cabin at a lake about 3 hours away. It was an adventure, to be sure - I think I packed half the house. Mom's meds. Mom's bath chair. Mom's foods that she likes. All Mom's bath and hygiene accoutrements. Mom's bathroom helpers. Mom's lawnchair. Mom's clothes. Mom's wheelchair. Mom's scooter. Mom's step stool so she could get in the van. The dog's crate. The dog's food and toys. The DOG. My clothes. My bath and hygiene stuff. All my spices and cooking stuff. My laptop and all accessories so I could work while we were gone. My tablet.

Good thing we have a large van. LOL

Turns out the cabin we rented was not as depicted on the website it was listed on. Very small (which was ok), but also *not* wheelchair accessible as stated on the site. Good thing Mom can walk a little bit. Wheelchair wouldn't even go through the door, into the bedroom or bathroom, and I almost dumped her out of it twice trying to get down the sidewalk, because it was uneven and sloped - and there were no outdoor lights, so I couldn't see where the sidewalk ended and the grass began! Talk about a comical pair - someone should have been behind us with a video camera.

Then there was the bathroom. Mom is very short and heavy-set. She has trouble getting in and out of the tub at home. (That's next on the list of repairs.) We arrive at the cabin and find that the pictures of the bathroom were not quite accurate. You have enough room to stand in front of the sink and toilet and that's it - the shower stall is right beside the sink, so you have to squeeze between the two, and then - surprise! - it's also FOURTEEN INCHES off the floor. So the shower is on a platform raised up 14" off the floor. Good thing we brought Mom's step stool for the van - she used it to get in and out of the shower while we were there.

All in all, it was a nice trip, and you have to laugh about these things in retrospect, but they sure weren't much fun while we were there. Mom keeps talking about how much fun the trip was, even though all she got to do was sit inside the cabin and look out at the lake - but that was enough for her. (It was rainy, windy and cold the whole time we were there.) There was ONE nice day, and we took advantage of it to go a little further north to Mackinaw City and out on 2 West along the southern coast of the U.P. Sat by the water for a while and looked out at Lake Michigan, got a couple of pasties (Cornish meat pies, a "yooper" favorite) and then headed back to the cabin for the afternoon. That's all it takes to make Mom happy - a nice ride to a place she enjoys. I took the pontoon boat out on the lake for a couple of hours that afternoon and took the dog with me. I loved it. He hated it. LOL

We did have to have a serious talk about future travel, though. Mom has always been a traveler - she gets what she calls "itchy feet" and wants to travel. Not as much she used to, but she still likes to ride. We had to have a talk about the future of long trips. I have a son in another state, an 11-hour drive away. I haven't seen him in over a year, because I haven't been able to leave Mom alone and there's no one else that can (or will) take care of her. She wanted to go with me on my next trip to see him, but she gets uncomfortable just riding for a couple of hours in the van now....I can't see how she could do 11 hours. I'm only able to go for about 5 days, so stopping overnight on the way there and the way back is not really an option either. It was sad, but she made it easier by saying, "You know, the long trips just aren't fun anymore."

I should add that after much looking, Mom and I realized that one of our neighbors would be able to look in on her 2-3 times per day, and will bring her occasional meals, etc. She'll make sure Mom takes her pills and eats, and I'll have to hire someone to come in at least once to do some laundry and make sure Mom gets a shower. So I think my trip to see my son is definitely on. I'm so happy - it's hard to be this far away from him (he's 16 and lives with his dad).

Yes Susan, she loves to help fold clothes when I take them from the dryer. That a good idea. We are doing better on her potty stuff now. For a few weeks she ran me ragged. I washed clothes all day for weeks. Now she is back to normal, whatever that is ha! She does forget about going poo sometimes she uses almost the whole pack of wipes and does not want to sit there and go poo. She gets silly and says that enough and wants to go lay down then when she wakes up she is okay again and will go as normal on the potty and wipe like normal. Can't figure her out. But we do it her way. Thank GOD she knows when she has to pee again. Amazing the things we go through.
she will love the warm blanket on her legs and hands. My Mother can't do much either. So we let her try to fold stuff from the dryer and praise her efforts.
Love to all

Wish I could travel with my parents, but for some reason my Mom is always unbuckling the seatbelt whenever we are a few blocks from home.... I hear that very noticeable unclick of the seatbelt. And when she does have the belt on she holds the shoulder strap out about 5 inches from herself. I have seen other older women do the same thing.

I remember back in the 1960's when seatbelts first came out, the cry from women were the seatbelt would wrinkle their clothes :P

Dad's AL had a fun Halloween happy hour lots of costumes and treats.
I got a new (to dad) end table for his room but hubby will have to carry in as it's awkward for me to carry by myself.
I decided to take Dad out for Thanksgiving at my SIL's as there will be many people and little kids there which my Dad enjoys. Will take 2 vehicles though as I will want to leave earlier than we usually do as that would be quite a long day for him as it's about 1 1/4 hr away.
Speaking of injuries I was doing yard cleanup last weekend and did something with my left knee and am icing it currently. Not sure what I did.
Dad's 6 month checkup went well except he gained more weight. I think partially due to the snacks they get plus I see he was having a larger glass of juice instead of milk with meals so I asked to switch back to milk or a smaller glass of juice.
Question though dad has this darker reddish blotches on arm. The nurse han't said anything to me. Normal on elderly?

57twin, is your Dad's skin now very thin? My boss is 79 and he has been complaining how easy it is for him to get bruises now, and these bruises turn into a dark reddish blotch. So keep a watch to see if that is the case, or if it could be something else, like an allergic reaction to new detergent or fabric softener.

Thanks. Its only on one arm from elbow to wrist area. I see sign is dry and need to put the spray moisturizer on when I visit and make sure it gets applied after his showers.

Might be dry skin, as you mentioned, 57twin, but if your dad is on any sort of blood thinner medication, that could be the cause as well. People on blood thinners bruise far easier than anyone else, and they often show up as red blotches under the skin.

As everyone else has said blood thiners and advanced age do produce those redish brown areas. Fragile skin also tears easier and takes longer to heal. So don't take dad for a walk through bushes!

As former caregiver turned patient I've developed an entire new perspective...I think some degree of dementia may be a bit of a blessing when you are rendered helpless...badly broken upper left arm that can't be put in a cast and limited mobility of the right from dislocating it meant I could not use the bathroom by my self...more humiliating than I can even put into words...my husband, bless his heart was great and said I would do the same thing for him if he needed it (true). At any rate because this situation is going to take a while to recover from, he went on line looking for a solution...he found me a Swash Seat available at Home Depot...he installed it 3 days ago and I think it is the most wonderful gift I have ever been given...it is a toilet seat with a built in bidet...I at least have the independence, again, of being able to use the toilet and clean myself up, plus I feel fresher all during the day...I wish we had known about one before when I was having to wipe MIL...it would have made it so much easier on both of us...I have more appreciation for the little things now than I've ever had in my life...things that you completely take for granted until they are removed...FYI...my husband is very handy (we built a house together)...he had to tap into a water line and install an electrical outlet to hook the thing up...so if interested in one you either have to have someone handy or hire a plumber and electrician on top of the cost of the seat...on that note I think I'll go pee, all by myself!