This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ha! I told my story to several family member. Everyone gave me the 'old' version advice. Pinched your nose and look up. Or, stick a tissue inside the nose. (And what if the blood dries with the tissue inside? How do you extract the now stuck tissue in your nose?) Then, when it stops, to pinch your nose again to make it bleed and take out more of the bad blood. (Heck No! It took me about an hour to stop the bleeding. I have all those bloody tissues as proof.)
Well, I will need to put my shopping list in the cell phone. That's why I forgot the oatmeal and Vick's. I don't even have Vaseline in the house. Trust me - No more Excedrin! But I still need the prescribed Motrin when my neck is in pain. That's the only painkiller that seems to help with the pain. I use it sparingly because that stuff can make hole in your stomach. If I can work with the pain and not interfere with my job, I don't use it.
I really do appreciate all the tips. I'm really tired. 415pm. I'm going to take a light power nap.
Family was right about pinching your nose but the head should be forward not back.
If you keep the proper pressure on it there should not be blood dripping. if there is you are not getting the point that is bleeding and it could be further up your nose. There comes a time when you need to go to the ER. Don't put tissues up your nose if it needs to be packed the ER Dr will do it and use something that won't stick and bleed again. You need to keep the pressure on for long enough to stop the bleeding. I know it's difficult to breath humid air but you are too young for that much trouble going up stairs. There are lots of specialists you need to see.
There I won't loose my voice yelling at you. I am concerned because who is going to look after you if you have a stroke.
But deep down,I believed all these doctors. In me, I Know I'm not a hypochondriac. But there's still a part of me that does believe it because all these doctors implied or said so.
Truly, I don't mind you repeating yourself. You're like a friend who's encouraging me to try to stand up for myself and insist on getting help. Everything. Today, sis' neighbor was mowing their lawn. With the humid air and the fresh smell of cut lawn, nose closed up and I told sis who was in front of me to hurry up. I need to get in the house away from the smell because my airway was closing up. I guess I need to tell the doctor about that, too. Both of my doctors told me that I'm just very sensitive to pollen and smoke. That I'm not asthmatic. I promise, I will do my list tomorrow.
The cardiologist who was on duty decided which was the lesser of two evils in regard to my Dad.... Dad bleeding out from always falling, or having another heart attack.... it was decided to stop the blood thinners. That was several years ago, knock on wood, so far so good.
Brandy, don't assume that you caught it in time. My dad was like your dad. Several times, when I'm home after work, we get these phone calls. I would tell them we're not interested. I would tell my dad over and over Not to tell anyone anything on the phone. He has access to his checkbook. One day, I was balancing his checkbook and found an online withdrawal. I questioned him about it. He Insisted that he did NOT give his bank account number. But they cannot withdraw money if he was telling the truth. I explained to him that now that they have his bank account number, and withdrew money, NOTHING can stop them from withdrawing MORE money. That they can take his whole money out. He didn't believe me, and called the bank. The 'nice lady' explained to him what happened and insisted that we come in and sign some forms. It seems that whoever withdrew that money - was going to be a Monthly Automatic Withdrawal. When we came in, I sat in the waiting room and he spoke to her privately. She must have dealt with plenty elderly customers. After the meeting, my dad told me that he must never ever give ANY information over the phone. If they want his mailing address or birthday or anything, they have to come in Person to our house. Wow... I don't know how the bank lady did it, but she left a lasting impression on him. Up to this day, he absolutely refuses to release any information on the phone because they're Communist trying to trick him. After this incident, I confiscated all bank statements and his checkbook - just in case.
Brandy, if your name is also on the bank account, are you able to call the bank and alert them of that phone call? Better safe than sorry. Unfortunately, the bank cannot block any future withdrawals.
And on a cheerier note, if your husband thinks hanging up on these soulless ratbags is rude then he should hear some of the things that get said to them! I hope you were in time and that nothing comes of this incident.
Yes it did seem rude to him but he is no longer capable of being rational.
can you keep all that information away from him.
Does he still drive and go out independently and have the opportunity to spend money on his own.
If all your money is in joint accounts can you open a new account in just your name and only keep a small balence in joint accounts. you may need to use a PO box and have everything financial sent there if he regularily goes through the mail.
You are in the twilight zone of his dementia where he can still function independently but will do unwise things if not supervised. before his next visit to the neuro make a list of all the similar things hubby has done and get a letter to him ahead of time. maybe you are seeing the wrong neurologist and he simply has little experience of dementia. Many spouses have been through this and I am sure will be glad to share their experiences. my husbands admits to being forgetful and not having the capacity to do things that were formerly easy but thinks it is cause by the psychiatric drugs he is taking. He has willingly handed over control of money to me. I do keep him in the loop but he has a major anxiety attack if asked anything about taxes etc. he has no idea where to find anything in the house. he will ask for something like duct tape for example and i tell him in the boiler room to the right of the door on the wall. he will them ask which door so i tell him the door to the boiler room and he willt ell me he thought i meant the door at the top of the stairs and he knows there is nothing on the wall there. So we start again and enter the boiler room and I direct him and then he asks which way should he be facing away from the door or towards it and i have to tell him he will have his back to the furnace and so it goes on and I finally fetch it for him. only then will he tell me he does not actually want to do anything with it he just wanted to know if we had any if he needed it. I thought for a long time that I was really loosing it and confusing him but the kids said it is not me who is confused. That was reassuring!
Another thing you can do with credit cards, lower the maximum limit on the card. Example, if the card is $10,000 limit, drop it to $3,000 or whatever depending on how much you need. For the internet, I use a separate card that has a $500 limit... if stolen, the joy ride on the information highway would be short lived :)
For checking accounts, I've seen checking accounts where if the check is written for over a certain amount, it needs two signatures.
Baby bro had an exploratory done last Saturday. All my siblings in the mainland flew to be there for him. SIL, on Sunday morning, said that they met baby bro's girlfriend (long distance relationship) yesterday. How come I didn't tell them that bro was having surgery? That all our siblings were there? That SIL and oldest bro-of-next-door could have flown to be there for him, too. I got defensive. I snapped that I told them last week that he was having exploratory and the doc already said that if they find something, they will deal with it same time. He had his surgery yesterday, Wednesday. The surgeon wanted to know why they waited this long to deal with his heart problem. Instead, bro's doctors kept prescribing meds. Anyway, they're waiting for his heart to get a normal rhythm (he has a fluctuation heart - too fast, too slow) They have him on a much stronger meds. If it doesn't find it's rhythm, then they will go to the next step (whatever that is.)
I spoke to Dad's caregiver - the one who wrote a report which resulted with the social worker asking me about each of the item written. The caregiver, this time, I asked me about something he's accusing me. I guess she learned from the last time - to not report me until she speaks to me. I told her that I buy his cream but he uses it too much. He forgets he put it on at 9am, 10a, 11am. Then when he sees how low it is - he accuses.. And then she interrupted me. Every time I use the word 'accuses', she interrupts me. I guess, my dad has a Right to Accuse me and that she's not willing to hear me use those words with regards to him.
My dad loves mochi cake. I usually give him 1 piece as a midnight snack. As I was preparing him for bedtime (covering him properly with the blankets), he had lots of pieces of cake on his chest area.
As I was swishing the large crumbles of cakes off him in quick strokes, he said, "Be careful! You will knock me out!" I laughed so hard when he said that. How can I knock him out by brushing cake off his chest? He said angrily, "That's not funny!" After I calmed down enough to talk, I said, "This is what would knock you out!" Then I proceeded to close my right hand fist, drew it back, and slowly moved it forward. He looked at my fist, and he started laughing. He replied, "Yeah, that would knock me out!" We both started laughing. He had to get the last word in, "But you can still knock me out the other way."
It's all good, you know. Everything is fine. You feel you're being accused because you are an exceptionally conscientious caregiver, and therefore if something is not going quite right - like he's running out of cream - you take it to heart. All the social worker is getting at is that your father is allowed to be wrong! It doesn't reflect badly on you, especially now that she knows to check what actually happened before she takes his word for it.
I have recently found out from several family members who are babysitting - only because I brought it up. All these months, they all kept quiet about dad accusing me of stealing from him. To them, he does NOT say, 'SOMEBODY...' He says my name as the culprit. I was shocked. And hurt. And scared. The whole emotions. Then, I meet my cousin and uncle, heard what grandma did to her caregivers - which resulted in them going to court and defend themselves to the judge. I have always, always been a 'go with the flow' person. Don't rock the boat, don't wander off from the group, etc... So, I'm panicking as he blames me for things missing.
Yes, I will admit that I do get so defensive. I got like that because when I was helping dad caregive mom, I had relatives and inlaws and nonfamily people Tell Me that I need to do more! I was shamed by my elders to feel such a slacker, a hanger-on. I got all the lectures - not my 7 siblings. I mean, really, for a govt caregiver to ask my bro-of-next-door about me? I guess even then, my dad was blacklisting me behind my back.
We don't argue much any more. I've basically withdrawn from him, from everything. Every time I come here on AC, I suddenly feel so exhausted, brain gets all fogged up. I try to read here, and I get sooooo tired. Tonight's the worst. Even as I'm typing this with my eyes half closed. Lastnight, when I felt energized, I got on here. And suddenly I'm so exhausted. So, weird. I guess it's my subconscious mind.
57twin, I'm now scared to order too many of those creams. I never thought of the adverse effects of his over-using it. I know he went overboard with the Salon Pas. The nurse told him that he's not suppose to put it all over him. Dad didn't care to listen. He knows best.
Gosh, I keep yawning harder and harder. Time to get off here. And it's only 1030pm. I go shower and eat some ice cream. You know, chopped pecan nuts look so much like chopped walnuts? I didn't read the pkg and bought the pecan thinking it was walnuts. Walnuts makes ice cream taste soooo much better than pecans or almonds... another big yawn... Night all. I hope you have a better day today than yesterday.
I'm in my bedroom getting my blankets and pillows to take to the livingroom. My phone starts ringing. I answered it. No sound. Dead noise. I've always been a scaredy cat from watching all those horror movies while growing up. I started thinking the boo-ga-loos are playing tricks on me. What if I picked it up and a scary voice comes on. So I tried to ignore it while my heart was speeding up from fear. The phone kept ringing. I closed my door to hide the sound.
Here, 20minutes to type this on the kindle.
The calls that bother me the most are the ones that happen at night. For a while I was having to leave our phone off the hook because we kept getting calls with no one on the other end every few minutes. We aren't on anyone's hit list, so I imagine it was a soliciting company gone awry. We're on every do-not-call list, even for nonprofits, but it doesn't do any good -- especially when the companies call from outside the US.
I can imagine that it must have got under your skin, having endless rellies telling you what was what when you were already doing your best to look after your mother. It's so easy to tell other people what to do, isn't it? - much harder for them to get their own hands dirty. But nowadays, with so much more experience under your belt, just remember that people can be as free as they like with their snotty opinions - doesn't mean they're right, let alone that you have to agree with them!
Those silent calls are a menace; and yes they are from direct marketing companies whose automated systems dial dozens of numbers at a time and then allocate them to operators in the call centre. Where in the world do you have to go to escape them? I'm registered with every mail and telephone preference service I can think of, to screen out unsolicited sales calls, and still get them. I've tried just hanging up, I've tried being sarcastic, I do try never to be shouty if there's a person on the line because after all it's not their idea to drag me out of the shower or whatever I'm doing, very very occasionally if I've got absolutely nothing else to do I play along and ask lots of 'innocent' questions until I get bored. But what I really want to know is, who is it who signs up for services from these wretched companies? Because somebody must do. If they weren't making any money from direct sales they wouldn't be doing it. Whoever you are, please stop it! You're just encouraging them!!!
It's so strange when oldest sis talks in sentences. She is soooo quiet. It's so strange that she now offers me her food. Before, she would hoard her food. Is it because she sees I'm being nice to her? Our lunch is so little. No matter how hungry I am, I always leave her half of it. Except that one time I was sooo hungry that I asked her if it's okay if I finished the food and not leave her any. Yesterday, when I came home, she actually gave me a Hormel Salisbury Steak microwave meal. I was so touched. It helped with my irritation of her passive-aggressiveness. Between work, dad and her - I've been stressing a lot.
sigh.... I'm typing now. It's 1015am, and I'm already getting so tired and sleepy. I guess I'm still not ready to post here on AC. I was wide awake when I came on here. Now, I feel so exhausted. I'm going to stop now. And take a quick nap. Which I really rather not do because I have so much to do. Figure out my checking balance, pay off the bills which I've been putting off, etc...
A few weeks ago, dad started stuffing napkins inside his pants. This morning, I found his first stuffed napkin - inside his pamper!
Mom: hello
Me: Hi Mom
Mom: hello?
Me.: Mom can you hear me?
Mom: let me hit boost [button on phone to make the sound louder]
Me: Mom are you there? Hello. You don't need to hit boost every time you answer the phone.
Dial-tone [she hit the wrong button again]
I speed-dial their number.
Repeat, rinse