This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Venting. Tomorrow is christmas and we will be having family over. They will set the food outside our long front porch. When I came home at 615pm, the dishes was still in the sink from 2 days ago. The kitchen trash is almost filled. The pamper trash is almost overflowing. After I changed dad's pamper, I washed all the dishes. Most of it was dad's dishes. What? Sis expects dad to wash his dishes? She cannot wash it? And 2 of those Lean Cuisine microwavable trays are hers not mine. I was so pissed off. I cannot do power play over this (or for sis - passive/aggressive) because tomorrow is our small party. So, I washed all the dishes, and emptied the overflowing sink strain. Ugh!!! Then washed the sink.
After changing dad's pamper, I showered. The sink, toilet and floor is awful. Before going into the shower, I poured some toilet cleaner in the bowl, sprinkled Ajax on the bathroom floor and stared at the sink. I don't feel like doing the sink. Showered. Came out, and started cleaning the toilet/floor. Then, I need to refill dad's water jar. Sis did not refill his water pitcher in the fridge. Darn it!!! I'm tired. 12:30am. Time to go to sleep.
Hmm.. I have the radio tuned in to our local language channel. (Nope, I don't understand 99.9% of it.) When it hit midnight, they started playing the Catholic Midnight Mass. Wow. Since when did they start this? Hmm.. Night, night.
Shilo do not ignore that elephant sitting on your chest it is a very clear warning. if you don't listen you won't be sitting beside you mother holding her hand with your cold one. you willl be tucked in the next med hooked to monitors fighting your own battle.
It's been awhile since I last typed. We have sold the House! We have decided to take one last adventure together and move closer to our Family. We are gonna do the Motorhome Class A drive to Wasilla, Alaska. That way we are closer to our Daughter and there's help closer if Linda needs it. She has no friends here and we have had enough of this location. Her memory continues to grow worse and such. This decision has a huge help-it lowers my cost-stress-and future issues due to states policies regarding property etc. and it gives us both a way to renew our senses. I have RV living experience and she camped for weeks at a time. The coach will allow her alot of conviences while travelling she needs . I will be documenting the trip daily for full video. I know and so does she it's a risk and is alittle scary but we will make it, and I will feel some renewal finally so I can continue to be the Loving husband and caregiver .. this came when she decided maybe she should find an assisted living place .. i said , well then why wait for the plan "after You" lets go mobile and move to Alaska where family is and IF the time arrives and thats what is needed, then we will all still be close and together. She is scared AND excited.. Wish us luck and Ill keep you all updated!! Merry Christmas to All, May the Light Bless and Keep You.
I did stop in Christmas Eve after work for a few minutes and the director gave me an unexpected gift of a photo picture of dad sitting in the living room at his AL. I just about broke down as no one ever gives me a gift for no reason. I was very touched.
Vladius - any major move like you and your wife is doing is a bit scary. Especially when she knows her situation. I was touched that your wife was the one who brought up AL. Most people are in denial but your wife is facing hers straight on. I do wish you both a memorable and not-too-much stressful journey to Alaska. {{Hugs}} to both of you.
57twin, that was a very thoughtful gift - a photo of your father. Towards the end when my was still walking, most of her photos had this blank or mean look. There was one day, I caught her laughing so hard (because we were laughing), I quickly took a photo of her. I made several reprints of it. Blew one up and framed it. It's hanging in my bedroom. Every time I look at that picture of mom's full laughter, I smile. That's the mom I want to remember - always. {{Hugs}}
Red- yippee! Your arms are back. No more embarrassing situations now. You're back to being independent. A new start on a new year. Perfect timing.
By all means mom - continue to walk all over me. I am so sick of one minute experiencing this kind of behavior than honestly feeling sad for how alone and broken she is. A visit from her only child (that speaks to her) from 2 states away and she just continues to push me away. Feeling sick from this roller coaster. So sad that she is all alone, but what am I to do?
I tried to explain to him his income vs his expense. I finally had to draw a chart for him to understand it. Now, he asks, "Do I have enough money to buy this or that?" If I tell him that we have reached the $1100.00 limit, he would ask me to buy it next month when his money comes in. This was a few years ago. He still remembers to ask if he has enough money.
My parents have been without a dishwasher for a couple of years. They don't want to spend the money. They had new windows installed but only 5 instead of 20. Their lawn is filled with leaves, they use to do the raking/bagging themselves but this year they aren't physically able to do so, so they are waiting to find someone who will do the work for a couple of dollars.... [sigh].
They are saving the money for my inheritance.... I've told them to spend it on themselves as chances are they will probably outlive me [from all the stress].... they looked at me like my hair was on fire :P
Would she be open to the idea of having caretakers come to the house? Is it her house or your house?
I hope that you can find some other ways for your mother to be taken care of so that you can have your life back and go back to working.
Family visited today. I told them what I was doing yesterday - taking photos on my digital camera and transferring the pics to my laptop and then to the flash drive and CD. My next goal is to put in cloud but niece said that's not a good idea. Best to store it on an external hard drive, etc... Anyway, the nieces ended up going thru my albums taking photos of their childhood pictures with their cell phones. Baby bro's girlfriend was also taking photos of my bro and sending it to him via her cell phone.
My dad's sister called. Since my dad didn't want to talk to her, I decided to do so. We talked about getting old, the aches and pains, etc... Hmmm.. I do believe I got my aversion to taking any kinds of pills from her. We both do have a terrible temper. We both have a beauty mark (mole) on our face. Well, she's alone and is debating if she should come back home. I already know that her daughter here on island will not take care of her - like I do with mine. Aunty is debating on selling one of her land so that she can retire back here. And also give some of the money to her children. She admitted to me that none of her children will take care of her old age. So, I told her that if she plans to sell her land to Not Give any to her children. She should just stay there in the states and live in those senior citizen retirement places (AL). She had already looked into it and said it's too expensive. I explained why it is - that it's like a mini community with meals, entertainment, etc... And that when her money is running low, she can then apply for Medicaid, etc... She said what about the senior place here on island. I said that when dad had looked into it for mom , it was $9,000/month. When I told oldest bro about aunty wanting to move back home, he said that she is meaner than our dad. My eyes widened. My dad did some terrible physical abuse in our childhood. And his sister is worse than him?!!!