This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
FYI, my teacher-niece came over. Her father, my oldest bro of next door (who owes me over $1000.00 and never paid me back) asked her to borrow from me $2,000.00. She told me straight out that it's her father asking. I told her No. (This is the brother, wife and daughter who tells people that they were taking care of mom. Funeral - people were praising my bro and his wife.) I told her that I might lose my job this year, and I'm saving for my trip in June. That I already have $1000.00 and hoping my tax return will cover the other $1000.00.
Then after she leaves, my oldest bro comes to me. He's been bugging me to go with him and wife this April to Las Vegas and South Carolina (1 month trip). I said no. and no. and no. The last trip we all took - was in Hawaii. I paid for the hotel cost the whole time we were there. I had mistakenly ASSUMED that we would split the hotel cost in half. Foolish me. Learned My Lesson Well. I will never go on a trip with them again. No, that $1000 he owes me is from another situation. He even said that he will pay for my ticket. He's going to take a loan out. I said no. Tempting but... I want to go visit baby bro in June and stay in his house. No stress about spending money on expensive food at expensive restaurants.
First of, the machine grinder was making a funny noise. Then the grinder thingy was dull, so he had to change it for a new one. Then, I so early on, I noticed that I couldn't keep my mouth open too long. It was hurting. So, I had to close my eyes and just concentrated on keeping it open. Then my headache got worse, my neck started hurting badly due to angling my head up so that the dentist can see into my mouth. I had to constantly untense my whole body. Every time the assistant put the suction in my mouth, my stomach started heaving. So, on top of the head and neckache, I now had to deal with nausea. Soon, that very light gauze the doc put on top of my tongue to catch the particles he was grinding on - the gauze was triggering my gagging reflex. I was beginning to panic because I've never ever had all this happen to me before - well, except for the headache. I Always get headaches after seeing the dentist. I'm really scared of the dentist. I actually have tears falling down my eyes when my teeth are being xrayed. And that's just xrays.
Anyway, I went to work in the afternoon. I only lasted 90minutes. My headache and nausea were getting worse. I couldn't even think at all. So, I asked to go home (leave without pay.) I slept all afternoon - which helped. Then I slapped on a Salonpas on the back of my neck.
I'm thinking - with my neck problems that I've been experiencing - I think this is a new phase. I don't think I can continue to go to the dentist and NOT have a neck support under my neck. The terrible angle of looking up - I definitely felt the strain on my neck. So, I've been brainstorming all day today. (Because I have cleaning set up for March.) The day before my appointment, I'm going to visit the dentist, ask to speak to my hygienist and ask her if it's okay if I bring my U-shape neck pillow. I definitely need a neck support from now on for all my dental visits. My neck is still sore today.
Has anyone experienced this problem? And what was your solution?
FYI, I always put aside $$ for my dad's spending. Today, I checked his envelope - and it's gone. And the money in it. He doesn't know anything about it. He wants me to withdraw $200 and put it aside for him. Since my dad is not declared incompetent, I will have to listen to him. I'm now trying to brainstorm on how to control the dishing out of his money. Oldest sis is Not much of a help. I've asked her several times to keep track of the money going out. She doesn't.
As far as dad's money is concerned i think you know why that is missing. Eldest bro came over and asked for money that's $200 towards the $1000 he wanted to borrow from you. If you get more it will be gone too but as you say he is not incompetent. Eldest sis would never dare tell you even if she knew. You could try buying some forged bills and wait to see who gets arrested for passing those. Love you Book
Dad has UTI again. Again. I'm tired of nagging him. I bought the cranberry pills. He refused to take it. I get him water, he refuses to drink it. Now, we're back at it again. What pisses me off, oldest sis calls me at work asking me about the antibiotics. What antibiotics? How the h*ll do I know I'm suppose to pick it up - when nobody told me that they even took samples last week - when I was at work - and oldest sis was at home. Sis never told me. Why was she making it sound thru the phone that it was my fault for not picking it up. She softly said, "I'm just relaying the message."
Then the home care nurse calls me. She asked me about the antibiotics. I was so pissed off. I said in a calm angry voice, "Nobody.told.me.about.any.medication." She backed off and apologized that nobody called to tell me and on and on. After work, I swung by the pharmacy. His RX label was dated on Jan 02!!
Ha! Even though I was so pissed off, I was able to still do my resolution of 'be nice'. Well, with an angry tone. At least I wasn't my usual sarcastic self. That counts, right? =)
My nurse niece dropped by today. I strongly recommended to her to go online and take the Dementia 4-wk course that will start tomorrow. I logged in and showed her the current class that I'm taking: Learning How to Learn. (Wow!!! I really like this course!) I've learned that the way I learned in school/university was not the right way of learning. I'm great at doing outlines when producing and then doing public talks. Found out that outlining is not the way to do it.
Anyway, I digress. I showed her the first week class of the Learning course. Showed her all these videos and how Short it was. And that she had 1 week to watch and do the course. I showed her the reading materials, the forum, etc... She put the website on her smartphone. Her mom (my fave sis) kept encouraging to take the class and do the certificate. When I mentioned John Hopkins University, my niece's eyes widened. I told her that would be a great addition to her resume - to know that she did an online course from there. (Hey, if people can use babysitting as a PLUS towards experiences, why not an online 4 wk course?)
And today ordered a toaster online. Just these two little things, that Imhave been thinking about, now I do not need to think about them any longer. And to start the process of replacing things should loser my stress level.
Feel pretty good about those two simple things!
I'm finally going to read the book ELDER RAGE. I've had that book on the shelf since 2 years ago. I decided that the only way I will read it is if I take turns with the fantasy books. When I'm done with that, I have another based on a true story book also dealing with dementia.
Need to find some indoor places I can take dad on the weekends to give him a bit of change in his routine.
Rereading a chapter does not impress the info in your head. Best to read all titles, subtitles, charts etc. l then highlight sparingly. One per paragraph. Read. Stop and look away, try to recall the main points. I've doing everything wrong. Time to sleep. Too tired. midnight..
Mary Summer Rain - Love Never Sleeps, Living at Home with Alzheimer.
Another book recommended to me but I find a bit expensive, so I'm waiting for someone to sell their unwanted book in eBay or Amazon...book of illustrations..
Fox Chast- Can't We Talk about Something More Pleasant?
Can't stay long. Sleeping with the kindle off the bed, I feel more refresh when I woke up. Time to start my day....
CarolJean, i am sorry for your loss also. I have a friend who lost her husband this summer. She is just a few years younger than you and took care of him at home and then in a care facility. She is now in the process of redining herself! Take up a hobby that has interested you, join a senior center, find a group who is involved in helping others (you already have experience there!) But begin by takingcare of yourself!