This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
5:00am, dad cannot see the clock on the wall because the light is not bright enough to see the clock. So, 5:00am, he keeps telling me to wake up. "Hey! Hey! time to eat.. Hey! J. Hey. J. " (He's calling my sister's name.)
"Go back to sleep dad. It's not time to wake up." Silence. then... "Hey! Hey! Get up. Time to eat." moaning and turning left / right trying to ignore him. I finally get up.
I come home early, 2:30pm because I'm so tired, I find myself nodding while shopping. I come home. And fave niece is quite comfortable on the recliner. She has a bad headache and her 2month old baby keeps crying. I can't stand babie's cries. So, I get up, took the baby cradled in her arms, sat down on my office chair, put the baby's back against my chest/tummy, and started swinging myself left and right. At the same time, carressing the baby's legs, up her tummy and chest, spread to her arms up to her head. The baby stops crying. I have learned from my years of babysitting as a teenager - how to stop a not-hungry baby. Sensations. Just try it. A fussy baby, lying on the crib crying. Talk to the baby, smile widely and just start touching the baby all over. The feet, the legs, the arms, the chest, the side of the face. And they just love the light tap on the nose. After I calmed the baby down, I gave her back to mommy. Niece felt like venting about her mom. By 5:15pm, I was tired and wanted her to go home. So, I said, "Oh! You better go now while the baby has stopped crying. Her silence doesn't last long. You need to go now while she's quiet so that she doesn't cry on the ride home." Niece was not yet ready to go...... She finally did.
Not even one hour. I swear, not even 1 hour. My respite caregiver dropped by. She wanted to talk to me. You see, she's in a program for Caregivers. Since I'm always at work, she finally found me at home. And wanted to talk to me. I asked her if she noticed that my sister J has been different this past week. She said yes. She actually noticed it longer than this week. She asked me what makes me worried about sis. I said that when I look at her, she seems 'off'. She doesn't smile. Her eyes. Something's wrong.
She wanted to know J's background. When I was done, she said that my sister is keeping everything in. Her world is crashing around her and she's keeping it all in. She's really glad that sis has a home here because she's seen people like my sis homeless. I explained our house/land history and the spirits. How nephew said our house spirit are vicious. About the haunted middle bedroom that no family member feels comfortable going in. How I learned to NOT put sis there - like the first time she moved in - and her personality changed. You look into her eyes - and see nothing. Vacant.
This respite caregiver's mother used to be what non-locals would call a 'medicine' woman. Like me, the respite caregiver can sense the spirits. Not see them like oldest and my nephew. Caregiver told me that we must take sis quickly to the 'medicine' man. She could tell that someone had used sister's clothes to curse her. The curse was done when she was divorcing her husband. The caregiver can sense this spirit around sis. She wants me to take sis to the medicine man to undo the curse. The caregiver is willing to watch dad if I can go take sis. OMGoodness!!!! She said that sis is getting worse. Sis is now talking and laughing to the spirit - in front of people - no longer hiding it.
I've texted sis's daughter. Sis rarely goes anywhere with me. But she will go shopping and eating out with her daughter. I will need to sneakily talk to her daughter and plan a way to force sis to go to the medicine man.
As for dad, he made the mistake of making demands to the caregiver. She paused. Looked at him and said, "Mr. D - do you know why I'm here? Do you know in our office, if I said Mr.D - no one knows who you are. But if I say K's name, everyone knows who she is, where she lives. I'm not here for You. I am here for your daughter, K." I could tell that he didn't understand all that. He will still make demands to her.
{{{chuckling}}} While niece was here, the aroma of poop started wafting in the air. It smelled awful. And you know, my nose doesn't work most of the time. So for me to smell the poop - it must be really really stinky. I stopped talking, sniffing the air, and looked at niece. I asked her, "Is that your baby who pooped?" Niece's nose wrinkles, and she said, "Nope." And her eyes went to grandpa. I said, "Oh, man! I was hoping it was your baby!" Niece replied, "I bet it's harder to clean (eyes went to grandpa) than a baby." Yeaaaaahhhh.
With regards to NCL, the boss will say why did I go through all that if they already said they wanted the cheapest? The cheapest is to do it themselves. Or the boss will say, why didn't you say this or that while the woman was here? (As if I know to do that!) Or, why are you wasting your time on this? How difficult can it be? It's always - darn if you do and darn if you don't. or I didn't do enough or I did too much. On Friday, I told a customer that it's best that she comes in to fill out the China visa application. After I hung up, my boss said, "You need to tell the customer that they have to come in to do the application." I said, "I did." He said, "No, you said it's BEST to come in. No, she MUST come in." You see what I mean? They Nitpick everything I say or write.
It's just that the NCL is like that last card piled on that fragile card house, and now it's wobbling and ready to fall. You all freeze and hope that no wind or anything will knock it down as it wobbles. Waiting for the cards to settle and not fall apart. That's how I'm feeling right now. They've been nitpicking me for several months now. I'm just so afraid of making any decisions or Saying anything and get their criticism. And that's just work. Dad might have UTI AGAIN. Odd caregiver is giving me bad vibes. Oldest sis is going mentally unstable. And I just want to hide somewhere, cry myself out, and never ever come out again. Did I mention I'm soooo forgetful I have difficulty with short term memory? I hear the word May, I write down March, etc... Stress? or Alzheimer?
All your friends here would rather get your next message away from all this. i don't expect they have Internet in Heaven and as a newbie you probably would not be allowed acess till you had settled in. Now get to it I don't want to have to come over there and drag you out by the hair. Huge Hugs. You have suffered enough.
You however have finally reached your limit. Your health is being affected and despite the culture that wants you to take care of your father you need to finally step aside and let someone else do it. Your siblings seem to have taken advantage of your kind and generous nature. You have to be the priority now. You need to get away from everything you have been dealing with both at home and at work. You have been burning out at work and it's surprising but then again perhaps not that the bosses have not recognized this. I and many others on this forum will provide you with emotional support if you let us.
Glad, thanks. I completely forgot to breathe. I did it this morning. Then when I was at work, went to the restroom, I became teary. Again, did the breathing.
Veronica, you made sense. and was able to stop my frantic mind.
No one can force dad to the ER. I've gone through this before. I called 911, APS, gone to the elder law attorney and even dad’s insurance. I was told he has a right to refuse medical service. I would have kept spinning my wheels. Except several of you told me firmly that if Dad has pneumonia, the pain will force him to go to the ER. And you all were so right.
Babalou, I won't turn myself in to a psych ward. When I was in therapy, my therapist wanted me to promise to call her or 911 if I became suicidal. I asked her what would happen if I called 911 or went to the ER. She hesitated. Then she said that I would be in lock down for 3 days. I asked her if I would be locked down in the hospital. She paused and then shook her head. I asked if it's at the mental place? She nodded. I told her straight out that I would never go to the hospital or call 911 on that. I've heard stories of what happens in those psych wards. And to be involuntarily locked in there for 3 full days? No way. The therapist did not refute that. Nor did she push it.
I went home for lunch and there was no food to eat. I quickly turned on the Kindle to read here. Got some encouragement from you all. (Thank you) I got in my car and drove to the nearest Circle K mart to buy those ready-made sandwich. As I was driving, I felt something going down my right face. I reached up to wipe it off - and found it was wet. I didn't even know I was crying as I was driving.
At Circle K, my cell phone rang. It was the neurologist's office calling me to set up a consultation for tomorrow morning. By the time I got to work, I was numb. I walked into the office, grabbed the notes on the NCL client, and told my boss that we need to talk. I told him that I am very stressed from home and it's affecting my thinking ability. How I'm having problem making decisions. I told him of my almost daily headaches. He looked surprised when I said that I've had a catscan and an MRI done but nothing. So, now I'm seeing a neurologist tomorrow morning. I brought up NCL and told him what the client said, what I said, etc… I then told him that I’m having problem with it. I cannot think. Every time I look at it, my mind goes blank. He said to give it to his wife (who is still out sick.) So, I emailed the client and followed it up with a phone call.
I was so relieved when I didn't get The Bad Depression last year. Well, I’m going through it now because the crying bouts, the strong suicidal thoughts. chest pains. I’m so tired. I was amazed how calm I was to every phone calls at the office and with dad.
Babalou, I Know what you mean about you and the kids. I didn’t go to the psych ward. I literally cried my fears with my social worker.
With regards to your father, someone else in your family needs to take over his day to day care. If you don't call someone in your family to do this, you are going to wind up one of the statistics that we all quote to each other; one in three, just like Chicago's sister. You can't force your father to accept medical care, but YOU CAN cease to bat your head against that wall.
Book, in my business, when someone is having suicidal thoughts, we ask if they have a plan. You clearly have a plan, and being the planful person that you are, you are researching that plan. This is very dangerous territory, this suicidal depression place. Please know that we love you, that you matter to all of us and that we want to see you get the help and rest that you so richly deserve....and need. Book, please take care of yourself today and always. Love, Barbara
Please, do get yourself the help you need today, this morning!
Love, prayers and hugs!
.
With that said, Both of my past therapists reassured me that even though I have these suicidal thoughts, that they don't think I will do it. I asked them if they're sure. They're very sure. So, Babalou, it's okay. These 2 therapists have met me in person, spoken to me. And both believe that I would not kill myself.
I didn't want to worry you all. I always do an internal check to see what my thoughts are about suicide. Only one time did the Other me made a firm decision that I will kill myself on Friday with the current 'plan'. I didn't want to die. And I was terrified that I would do it.
Cmag - no our psyche ward is not attached to the hospital. It's down the hill. And run differently. I've heard stories about that place. Night all...
I was sick last weekend with a head cold and wanted to protect them. So I stayed away for 4 full days, not the usual 1 1/2 - 2 weeks. But I still felt the same way. I know it's got to be tough on them when I am not showing love and patience. But eventually I work through the feelings and settle back into a routine that gives them what they need and love.
They are always so thankful for every little thing I do, whether it's helping my dad buy something over the internet or changing a light bulb. My mom makes comments about how ever can I be so patient with them, how they would be in assisted living if it wasn't for me.
Does anyone else go through this? How do you deal with these feelings that tear up my gut and make me feel so awful?
I am so thankful to have this place to open up about things! I have tried to talk to one of my 3 sisters about this, but it really doesn't help me. She needs to keep her relationship with our folks unbiased. She brings in a fresh laugh with my mom that might be squelched if I always share my feelings & frustrations with her. So here I can be frank about my own issues without hurting my sisters.
I'm glad that you have found this place and feel free to open up about things.
How long have you been a widow? Have you worked through the grief over your husband's death? Do your grown children and other relatives ever offer any input about things or ask how you are holding up with all of this responsibility?
What kinds of help do your parents need for you to do for them?
I was glad to read that you are living in your own house. That is a very good boundary and keeps one from feeling in a dependent position which often comes with living back in our parent's home literally.
Given your parent's age, I feel somewhat safe is guessing that you are in your 60's and probably retired. You were ready for a new phase of your life until your husband died and your parents needed you at home. You are understandably angry over this current major unexpected change!
Ever notice that people who care for the elderly in nursing homes and assisted living homes are basically young and work 8 hour shifts which gives them a break for the other 16 hours a day?
My dad who has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's lives at home with three caregivers who are there in 8 hour shifts 3 times a day for every day of the week. He is 89 and their ages range from in their 30ties to in their 40ties.
I think that you have put yourself in an impossible position of being a senior citizen yourself trying to take care of parents who are advanced senior citizens 24/7 which no break except for 3 times a year for two weeks.
Currently, you have 42 days off out of 365 days. Frankly, that is not enough emotional/physical recharge time. At the rate you are going with so little break time you are putting your physical and mental health at risk.
I don't doubt your belief that you are doing what God wants you to do, I just wonder about the how to do it part? I think your feelings of anger each time you return would calm down if you prayerfully consider and seek the best way of how to take care of your parents' needs without totally sacrificing your own needs as a fellow human being.
I believe your anger is trying to tell you that for your own good something must change. I get the impression that your anger leads you into some depression and very often situational depression has anger underneath it which we must face and find out what it is trying to tell us if we are going to overcome it.
Did you know that 1/3 of caregivers die before those whom they are caring for?
Who takes care of your parents while you are gone for two weeks three times a year? Do your parents have any financial resources to pay for extra help? Could they afford to go to assisted living?
I'm not sure that I understand what you mean by keeping your one sister's relationship with your parents unbiased? Unbiased about what or just out of the loop as to the real challenges that you face alone each day? Why doesn't talking to your sister help? Is she a poor listener and does not want to hear what you have to say? Why haven't your tried to talk with your other two sisters or are the relationships there not very close? Have you and your sisters attempted to meet together and discuss your parents' care and realistically look at where things are now, what kind care they need now and that it is beyond just one person to do or have they abandoned you to just do this alone?
I hope you will look for and find some ways to regain balance in your life with some healthy boundaries that take care of you and your health while also taking care of your parents' needs for safety and care. It sounds like to me as if you have thrown yourself under the bus and are tiered of being run over.
I wish you the best. Keep in touch and let us know how things are going!
I know of a family who are strong spiritually. They read the Bible daily, and go to all their religious obligations. Their whole lives are centered on the Bible and God. Their grandmother had Alzheimer. The adult daughter staying with her mom was also getting old and health problems. They put their grandmother in a nursing home. You can do that with your parents - hire someone to come in to the home like Cmag's father, or Assisted Living (where they will be others of their own age with activities aimed for them.) You can try to bring up the subject once in a while.
As for yourself, maybe give yourself a goal. For example, how to help parents maintain their independence so that you can have yours. Then, read up on it on this site by searching (top right of the page) on topics like nursing home, independent living, etc...
You may also try to get them to go to 'adult daycare'. I'd term it differently though. This can provide them to gain friends and enjoy activities with others of their generation. Again, research on this so that you understand what it's all about. And can sell it to the parents. Feel free to come and vent. I've learned that venting with siblings are so different from venting with caregivers.
He asked me if I exercise, especially walking? No, I work full time, then go home to do my shift. I do have a treadmill but within 15 minutes, I'm slamming against the side bars. He said that I'm Not to use the treadmill. I'm to walk around the house - even if it's inside the house (due to bedridden dad.) /// He did the eye check and then the eye movement by following his finger; then touch his finger, touch my nose, touch his finger, touch my nose. He said that my movement was a little slow following his finger. I had to walk forward, with one foot in front of the other. Turn around. Now, close your eyes. (My eyes widened. I tend to get dizzy when I'm standing with my eyes closed.) I closed my eyes. And sure enough, I felt my body swaying. I opened it quickly.
He's prescribed 2 headache medicines. Topamax for the daily headaches that I wake up and go to sleep to. The Maxalt-MLT for when the first sign of the headache appears. Vit.B2, 100mg, take 1 in morning and 1 in evening. I'm to come back in 6 weeks to see if the meds work.
I called up the clinic and set up a consultation with my primary doctor for anxiety/depression. I hesitated on going back to her but... let's see if she will leave me with the same impression as the first time I met her. I've decided to try the meds. Several of you have mentioned to me that you're taking meds for your anxiety/depression. So, I will give it a try. As long as I don't get locked up.
Doc did the knee reflex test. My foot flew up and kicked him. He chuckled and said that I have a fast reflex. He's used to slower ones.
I need to sleep early now. Dad's new schedule is waking up at 5am, ready to eat and start his day.
Some of you had mentioned to me in my message board and even publicly on AC about Tumeric. I was watching the news in which the newsperson said that her friend takes Tumeric daily for her headaches. Her friend said that it's good for inflammation. I've been thinking of buy some for me - so that I can avoid taking those prescription headache pills.
Thank you, everyone, for the encouragement and heartfelt words to me. It's finally got me moving in the right direction - even if it is done reluctantly. I don't know how many months ago, several of you told me to see a neurologist. I finally did. I think it was years ago, that several of you have recommended that I try to get meds for my depression. I'm finally taking steps to do it. And I think it scared me too that I was prepared to quit my job, cancel my appointment with the neurologist that has prompted me to do something. {{{{HUGS}}}} to all of you. P.S... I told myself that just as I have helped others here, now others are helping me. Thank you soooo much.
The emotions that you have listed sounds like depression to me which means you need a doctor for meds, a therapist for support, and some boundaries in your life to regain balance.
Did you tell the neurologist about your other problems, the depression, osteoporosis and allergies? if you did not call his nurse and ask her to let him know about these. The topomax will help prevent the migraines from ever starting and the Maxalt will head them off before they get a grip or at least make it possible for you to continue to function. Wish they had been available when I was at my worst. As Babalou says give the meds a real chance, They can take several weeks to be come truly effective. DO NOT JUST STOP anything on your own call the Dr. Take exactly as prescribed NOT every other day or what ever crazy idea you come up with. When you see your PCG make sure you tell her that you have seen the neurologist and the meds he prescribed. this may effect what she prescribes for your depression. Again depression meds need to be taken for up to 2 weeks before you begin to see results. Keep away from the herbals if you are using precriptions and the spiritual healers. As the saying goes "Don't mix your drinks" Not saying spiritual healers or Eastern medicine has no place just don't mix things. Tomorrow will be a better day. Much Love Book.