This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I'm am very sorry for your loss.
May your father's spirit soar very high.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light Margeaux
IronMan, thanks for sharing your view of taking care of your parents.
Rainy weather and my car couldn't do a U-turn on a 3-lane because the tires refused to turn with the steering wheel. Tomorrow, I'm going to take my car to Good Year's tire and ask if maybe my tire is bald. That's going to cost me $530.00 to change all 4 tires.
I've proven that it's the restaurant's food that I'm allergic to. I ate my nephew's wife's salmon lastnight. No allergic reaction at all. Tonight, I ate a can of tuna with onions, mayo and black peppers. No reactions. Yippee! That means I can give in to my craving for that delicious Wendy's fish sandwich. Gotta eat it while it's Lent season.
I was able to get a full stomach for lunch at Taco Bell. Got 3 items for under $5.00! Except too much beans had upset my tummy all afternoon - gurgling inside....Now I know that I can order just 2 items for a comfortable tummy (and not a bloated one.)
I've been googling on a simple ingredient recipe for my canned salmon. I know that I want to put onions and green onions. Lastnight's search - I definitely do Not want any salmon cakes or patties. I want it crumbled in a pan, cooked with something. What, I don't know. I will do more googles tomorrow. Maybe I should look for it under Spanish or Mexican recipes....
Do you know how to make rice? If you do, make a small pot or however much you need, like if you plan to give your dad some. In a separate pan......saute the onions plus whatever other vegetables you wish. For tuna, I like to include green peas. Saute that in in some grapeseed or olive oil. Drain your tuna, separate it a bit with a fork and add it in to the saute vegetables, if you feel like you need a bit more oil add some in. At this point you can also include any spices you'd like. You don't have to cook it for a long time either. Once the rice is ready, you can either add it into the vegetable/tuna stir fry. Or you can just serve the rice and put the saute on
top of it. Flavor with a bit of soy sauce. It's delicious. This is not a complicated dish at all.
Happy cooking,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
You can also follow the same stir fry, but instead of rice, I prepare some type of pasta. I've used them all......Spaghetti, Fettucini, Fussilli, and Rigatoni.
For pasta, add that to the saute once pasta is cooked. Add a bit of olive oil, and with two forks, toss it around, so that the saute gets mixed with the pasta. I really love to make that. These are my back up menus, when I'm too tired to make something more complicated. They're nutritious also.
Good Eats!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Margeaux, from what I read on your suggestions, my stomach can handle it. I forgot to mention that I will also be feeding my dad with it. Lately, he's been choking on noodles - thin, fat, etc... I'm a bit worried that the pasta would fall in that category.
My dad's solution on using the can of salmon? He said to chop up onions. Then mix it with the salmon and vinegar (or lemon.) That's really simple and more to our culture's way of eating salmon and those canned sardines. Except I could Never Ever make it like the locals. It always comes out so sour. Then there goes my acid reflux... Anyway, I prefer to cook it in something.... Thanks for the tips...
Dad woke up from a nap. Thought it was morning and his breakfast is late. I tried to explain for 30 minutes that it's Night time not morning. He refused to believe and demanded that I feed him and give him all his herbal pills. He accused me of trying to kill him. He's been watching me. I'm trying to kill to him. Well... If I was trying to kill him, then ...I guess I will stop buying his favorite Wendy's Frosty - like I did when I stopped by to pick up 'dinner' which is just a chicken salad with my $2.00 coupon off (got it online by doing their survey.) Yum! I did eye his Frosty. Those go great when you take turn eating the fries, then a spoonful of frosty, more fries, more frosty. The contrasting taste is just great. Back to dad, I confiscated all his pills on his end table since he was reaching for it to take it. He was going to pick up his bottle of Vit.O to throw it. I told him that if he threw it, I was not going to pick it up. Since he Threw it, that means it's trash. So, I will just pick it up and throw it in the trashcan. That stopped him cold. He put it back down. He knows that I don't bluff. (He threw a temper tantrum and threatened to throw his herbal pill bottle at me. I warned him that if he threw it, I was going to throw All his herbal pills. He threw it. I got up, and took all his pills off his end table and the one across the room and had him watch me throw it in the trashcan and then carry it out to empty it. Since then, he never threw his pill bottle.)
are you feeling today" well...... I'm mad. No other word covers how I feel 90% of the time. I'm mad that my mother (88 with end stage dementia/alz? who knows?). She seems to make it her job to make my life as miserable as she possibly can. I know, I know.... it isn't her fault, I get that, but daymn it all, she is so annoying. Mine was in middle stages and moving along thru all the symptoms slow enough that I had time to adjust and hire in help, when she fell and broke her hip at the end of September. We had flown up to upstate NY to visit my daughter and grandkids, when she wandered the first night and fell down 10 steps. A nightmare month followed with rehab and then a VERY interesting drive back home to Georgia. I
now know pretty much every rest stop between here and there! I didn't want to fly since I might have to deal with her pulling her pants down in the aisle of the plane while I tried to get her into the postage stamp sized bathroom. I wish I had anyway because the driving trip was not fun at all. Before the accident, I could leave her alone in her house at night and either her caregiver or I went in every day for around 5 hours. I went from that to instant full blown dementia. I am not
sure if it was from the hit on her head when she fell or the anesthesia or a combo of both, but she is no better than a 2 year old and honestly on most days not as smart as one. She is frail, but can't remember she broke her hip, so she thinks she can do anything, so someone has to watch her every minute. She knows my name, but not her own on most days. I have a wonderful caregiver, Kim, who I could not do without, but she can only give me 40 hours a week. I think I am pissed at other people as well much as I am with my mother. They act like I should be just fine with full time help, I guess they can't count, but there are 128 other hours left to deal with. When Kim is here, I am at my house trying to keep on top of laundry, cleaning, cooking, bill paying, finishing my remodel that was started before the accident. (before we went to NY, I apparently thought it a good idea to gut my kitchen to the studs) I didn't have a sink for 4 months while dealing with my mother. Now things are settling into a pattern and I am slowly losing my mind.
I am not sure why certain things get fixated on, but for my mother, it is blankets. She won't lay under them, she insists on folding them and sitting on top of them.
She won't sleep in her bed for more than 10 minutes, but gets up and goes the the family room to huddle on the loveseat shivering. I put her back in bed and we do it
all over again and again. Some nights she ends up sleeping on the loveseat all night because I just give up and once in a while she does stay in bed, but not often. When she is asleep, I feel guilty for getting so mad at her, but when she is awake all she does is complain and make me stop whatever I am trying to do to go look at her bed which she makes at least 10 times a day (we make it and unmake it) She also unloads the freezer and refrigerator at night. I have tried locking it with tape and baby locks, but she figures it all out and ruins $$$ of food.
I found a pound of ham in her purse the other morning! Compared to some of the folks on here, I have it better than most, we haven't reached the complete incontinence stage. I put her in depends, but she really usually makes it to the bathroom. My problem is in her love of toilet tissue and her need to stuff it in
her pants/pockets/anyplace she can find to hide it. It can be used or unused, it doesn't matter, she likes to save all of it! Anyway, this was a long a**ed post to just say I'm mad at everything and everyone, but if you are going thru this yourself, you know just what I mean.
Have you tried moving the loveseat into her bedroom? Sounds like she really likes it more than her bed. Is it softer than her mattress?
As for the fridge, I remember my dad adding a simple lock on our fridge and then padlocked it. Do you know someone handy who knows how to do this without damaging your freezer?
When I purchased my salad, I got another receipt saying that I can get $2 off if i do the online survey. I'm seriously thinking of doing it. I checked my receipt from Taco Bell's yesterday. Yippee. If I go online and do the survey, I can get 20% of my next order. I like that Mexican Pizza but it's so expensive. Since it's midnight, I will do the surveys later. Time to hit the sack.
Book has a good idea of trying to move the love seat into the bedroom. Maybe she would stay put maybe not.
I too, have what amounts to full time help between a Saturday caregiver and a day program my Mom attends each weekday for about six hours each day. Yes, other people, especially family tend to forget there are another 128 hours in a week. I have done that calculation many times. And I am in my Mom's home, sibs want to charge room and board?! My sleep is always interrupted by Mom's frequent trips to the bathroom, to say nothing of her hubby that is up a couple of times in the night. At least, he is cognizant of where he is and what is going on around him.
I immediately went to another tire shop, sold me $125@ tires. These were really great tires. Lasted 5years except I found out that every time I turned too much, it would hit the side wall. I didn't know this. I took it to the dealership for that thump when turning. It seems I bought a tire that was too wide for my car.
Next sets of tires I bought, my brother came with me. This time to Good Years Tire. $125@..that was the tires I just changed. A few days ago, the road was wet and my tires were having a difficult time turning. It wasn't really gripping the road. It's been raining off and on. I work in the tourist district with lots of pedestrian and stop/go traffic. I didn't want to chance skidding, hit someone,they die and I go to prison. I went and bought the tires at Good Years Tire. Yes, I thought it was way too expensive. But I'm running out of shops to go to. After I bought it, I've decided that I will no longer go back to them again. If it's like their previous tires, I have another 3 years to decide the next tire shop.
I came home today. Soooo hungry but had to clean the sink because it had dirty dishes and clogged up strainer. I saw that sis took out the pamper trash but did not reline the trashbin with a new plastic bag. You know, I take out the trash of both bins all the time. I automatically replace it with new plastic bags. How hard is it to do that? What? Just because she took out the trash, then I should reline the trashcan? If that's her thoughts, then how about next time, I take out both trash and Not reline it? Will she do it? NO. I can see her just dumping the trash in the bin with no trashbag. Venting because .... I'm becoming resentful and angry. I need to let it out instead of keeping it all inside.
While I'm venting, the boss' wife read one of my emails to a client. In that 'tone' of voice, she asked me why I put that about the devices in the eticketed itinerary. Who said that? Well, United Airlines, Fox news and CNN news. She had this look of disbelief.
I put on the bottom of the itinerary:
Please ensure that all electronic devices are fully charged. TSA may require that you turn it on. If it does not turn on, it will not be allowed onboard.
I told her that I'd hate for a customer to have a battery almost drained and then try boarding the plane when TSA ask them to turn it on. If it's dead, they cannot bring it on the flight. She still gave me that 'look'.
Later, she said, "You can atleast try to say it better."
Okay, guys. My bosses do not like me to be wordy in my messages on these eticketed itineraries. I've seen that Both of them do Not tell the passengers on paper the minimum date change penalty. They just put, "Changes may result with penalty and any additional airfare." .... I put down, "Minimum date change penalty is $300.00 + any additional airfare." Now of the two sentences, as travelers, wouldn't you prefer My version? To me, I would like to know right away what's the cost if I decided to change my dates. My bosses think - less is better.
So, about the electronic devices, how can I keep it short and yet 'say it in a better way."???? I have tried to find a better way but... I can't.
Nitpickers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sigh... I work tomorrow...whoppee.....soooo not true....
Also have you considered a chore list for your sister?
If you have a list of everything that needs to be done around your house not just your fathers items maybe she will do more.
I like glad's statement and is very professional sounding!
I was going to post yesterday but decided not too as it was the one year anniversary of mom's death. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the dad mentally. But I did ok as I was busy trying to take of some items for dad then work and a meeting so I did not have time to think about it too much. I did not visit dad though as that is the only time where I could have lost it. I think mom would have been ok as I think she gave me me I do not know what to call it, healing vibes? as I slept soundly through the night which rarely happens.
She's stopped relining the trashcan. She's also cut down by half, making hard boiled eggs. I had Assume she would do it on Monday. I came home, saw at 11pm that she did Not make any hard boiled eggs. So, I had to do it that late. I do 6 or 7 eggs at a time. About every 4 to 5 days. She's stopped cleaning the bathroom sink. I'm not cleaning it. I was able to clean the toilet tonight. But was just too tired to do the shower. And the sink is so filthy. The floor, I will try to do in the weekend.
The thing is - sis is pushing me too far with this passive-aggressive thing. I'm really tired. I'm popping those prescriptions headache pills almost daily. I go to sleep at nights, and wake up so exhausted. I was coughing with runny nose a few weeks ago. Yesterday, I'm doing some heavy dry coughing. When I cough, my upper chest feels heavy.
Today, I came home. Dad spilled his drink on the floor. Sis did not clean it or wipe it up. By the time I got to it, it was wet and sticky. After the 4th time of bending down from the waist to wipe up the mess, I stood up, huffing and puffing. I could barely breathe. It felt just like that time when I did the jump rope - heart beating so fast, difficult to breathe and light headed.
Sis needs to stop this passive-aggressive before I end up in the hospital. If she thinks she has it bad now, wait until I'm not here to change his pampers and to lighten dad's moods. I will need to make time to stop by the clinic and make several appointments - yearly physical, mammo, my coughing/chest problem, etc... I was able to cancel my luncheon date for tomorrow with bro's girlfriend. This will give me time to drop by the clinic...maybe if it's not so busy, they can squeeze me. Every time I try to breathe in deeply, I cough hard...
D*rn. Dad is slamming his good hand hard against the bed railing. I told him that if he keeps doing that, he can break a bone. Then what is he going to do with no hands? He just muttered a cuss word.. wonder if that was directed to me? =)