This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
The name of that thread is "Grossed Out? Need to Vent? Just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!"
An offshoot thread from this one started in 2012. "The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?" It has 11,109 posts.
One that started in 2014, "My "whine moment today". What's yours?" has 5,649 posts
These four appear to be the most active, long lasting and largest of the threads on this site. I don't see that as any problem.
Anyway, you only have to click on "last" to get to the most recent post.
Ohgenny, I can see your father's viewpoint. It would really reassure him a Lot to be able to make that move while he's still here. It will help him a lot to know that his wife is much closer to family who can help her. He's a very strong man.
Mallory, once you have answered, the thread/discussion automatically will appear on your NEWS FEED whenever someone posts in it.
I came home late at 7pm. Sis took dad's dinner plate with the pizza crust still on it. She left it on the kitchen sink. I guess I'm suppose to empty that pizza into the trash and wash his plate? I left it on the sink. I caved in recently. She dumps the food wastes in these plastic bags. For 3 days, I can smell maggots soon-to-be-coming. I finally caved in, disgustedly tied up all the plastic bags and dumped it in the trashbin. Sis won again. Veronica, you are right. Sis will not be emptying the sink strainer/drain. I've been doing it every night. Every time I come home from work in the evening, it's clogged again. I'm really really trying my best Not to let it get to me.
I want to cook some of our native meals. Except I don't have the extra money to buy grocery. I so wish sis will go and buy food that I can prepare. I Always make meals in the weekends to feed both of us for the whole day. Sis only cooks for herself. We're running low in rice. It costs $23.00 for a 20-lb rice. I was soooo hoping sis would buy it. I guess not. So, tonight, I will check my cash and see if I can spare some money to buy rice. So sucks that she is the way she is. The food I buy is ours, the food she buys is hers. Storm is coming. I need to maker sure to have enough batteries for the emergency flashlights. Gas my car. So many things to do tomorrow.
White tea, oolong tea, green tea and barberry tea. I've only heard of oolong and green tea. I couldn't find white tea and barberry tea today. I bought today the oolong. I found a mixed tea with ginseng, green tea with white tea. I had that just after dinner today. To me, I thought I was drinking a perfume tea. But I forced myself to drink it. Towards the end, I got used to that perfume tasting tea. I guess that's the ginseng? I had a slight tingling of the tongue. I've decided to not drink this tea tomorrow. Instead, I will try the oolong tea tomorrow with breakfast. I will see if this also causes the tongue to tingle.
I was thinking of replacing my ice coffee with tea. I can make tea the night before, put it in the fridge. The next morning, I can pour some in my hot/cold thermos to take to work. I won't have caffeine withdrawal.
Except I just read this WARNING: on the green tea. That you need to be careful if you have a bleeding disorder. I can no longer take Motrin because my nose starts bleeding. I hope this is not going to be the case with the green tea. Well, I don't think I've yet to acquire a taste for it. So, it's not like I will miss not drinking it.
I first thought it was hurricane Pam but found it is another one. Hope you are not too low in elevation and stay safe. Don't forget to put on your rain coat before you go to the bathroom. guess you are used to this kind of weather. My hubby would be having a major panic attck if he was there. A woman my Mum worked for was so terrified of thunder storms she would take a candle and hide in the cupboard under the stairs. Don't know if it was a co-incidence or not but that is where the liquor was kept!
Tomorrow morning, I will be moving my car up the hill - where flying debris can hit it. But I'd rather chance it than down the hill where our house is located- and get flooded. We live close to the base of the cliffline - down the bottom - where both the main road and the cliff's waters drain down to our house. We literally live in the flood area. Yes, I've already put all of dad's pampers and tissues up on the bed. Hopefully the bed will be high enough. Tomorrow, I will go to my bedroom and put all my shoes and boxes of books on the floor - up on the bunk bed. Hmmmm. I think I will also put his pampers/Charmin up there, too...
I've done my laundry this evening. Tomorrow, If the rain/wind is not so bad, I will go and do one more laundry of dad's waterproof bedpads. I don't want to get electrocuted for using the outdoor washing machine while it's raining. We will see. I need to go recharge the kindle, iPad and Nook tonight. In case of power outage, I can at least read it in the dark - unlike a real book. What else??? I bought a case of bottled water, bread, baby wipes... I think we're all covered. I didn't have to buy batteries since I bought a whole bunch from the last storm warning.
There goes all the mango. That storm is going to knock out all the pollen/blossoms that are blooming all over the mango trees island wide. I was driving today and spotted so many mango trees everywhere. It stands out because all those blossoms/flowers. But, the good thing about these strong winds is that they also clean the trees of those pesky bugs that leave white stuff on it (aphids?). And turning the mangos black while still hanging in the tree. Our people usually smoke the trees but ... because we live in an area surrounded by apartments, we cannot burn fire under the tree. People will complain of the smoke. So, the next best thing is a nice strong typhoon-strength wind.
There was one year that these Flame trees were infested with these small fast moving worms. These worms dangle from the tree (on a web?) and crawls all over the place. I once was walking in a neighborhood. When I saw the flame tree, I knew there would be worms. Sure enough, they were crawling all over the ground AND... OMGoodness, they were all over the front walls of the house where the tree was located. I have never ever seen that before and even after - of so much worms crawling all over the walls. {{{{shudder}}} A few weeks later, we had a typhoon. It denuded most of the leaves from the trees. And all those worms - islandwide. The trees still get those worms but not as badly infested like that time period. Time to give dad a drink and then off to shower.
Floaters in eyes are permanent-they never do away. Your brain can get used to them. Looking at a sunny day can trigger them. I have had them since last June in my left eye and yesterday in my right eye. It looks like those pictures of a red blood cell and moves all over the place. The left eye usually had a squiggly line or a faint round outline. It's so annoying as book said I always think I see something now on my far right line of vision.
I was able to do the last of dad's laundry. Swept our front porch from all the blossoms/pollens of the mango tree. Why sweep it before the storm? Because I'm allergic to mango - and I do break out into large hives (looks like gigantic mosquito bites). I figured to lessen as much as possible the blossoms in our porch. Soon, it will be flying into our sliding door, front screen door and front windows.
I've decided to cook a whole pot of rice and some kind of heavy meal (not microwaveables or tuna sandwich) to last the whole day for sis and I. Of course, whatever I cook, sis will not eat since our tastes in food differs a lot. I think I will make spam with green beans, tomatoes and corn thrown in. It'll be more towards a soup since I will add more water to it. Then I can scoop the soup onto my rice.
I've taken out the kitchen trash, the pamper trash...After this, I will go hang his clothes on the porch while it's still very windy. Hopefully it will dry enough before the heavy rain comes down. Just dry it enough so that I can bring it indoors and strategically hang it all over the place.
I've had to recharge my 2 cell phones, the iPad's done. The kindle is recharging.
I think I have everything covered - except my car. Okay... Later. I also have to figure out my budget and start writing check payments towards the bills.
Since your mom is still considered competent, does your mom have in order her medical directives? DNR (Do not resuscitate) or no food tube or hooked up in the machine? How about medical and financial POA (Power of attorney)? I have found that my dad will only listen to someone of authority (doctor, nurse, social worker.) It was dad's social worker and the doctor that he get guardianship over mom. The social worker also discussed with him about DNR and he agreed to do it for mom. (But not for himself. He's afraid of dying.) It's very important to get someone Outside of the family who has 'authority' to discuss these important stuff with your mom. If she's like my dad, she will not take you seriously.. or think you're up to no good (and steal their money.)
Cmagnum- thanks for posting me..I tried to post back but my stupid computer freees for some reason when I do that (have tried twice now) anyway, I am doing ok. still have major family issues going on and we just passed the anniversary of my fathers death...still tender...but am happy that I still get to take care of my mom. She is such a sweetheart, I feel so fortunate when I hear others on here talking about their combative parents. I suppose my dad would have gotten that way over time so I think God spared me...we had a few run ins before he died that still stick with me even tho I know he wasnt himself then.... hope all is good with you.
SherylBeth - I would say to you the exact same thing that Bookluvr said.. get POA, mom's wishes, medical POA all in order..as she slips further from you, you wont be able to get it.
I remember one time, the govt and the weatherman said that this one storm was going to be a banana storm. Well, at the very last minute, this banana storm got stuck in the ocean and did not move. As it swirled in one place, it continually gained strength. By the time it started moving, it was a snail's pace. By the time it hit our island, it was a major typhoon. Most of the people did Not Prepare for it - thinking it was a banana storm. Because mom was bedridden, we Always put the shutters up. We were very fortunate that we did. Since then, no matter if it's going to be a banana storm or not, most people now prepare as if it's going to be the big one.
My mother's hospice nurse was at the house when she walked and it was so hard afterwards to watch my father totally break down. He has been her caretaker for these past few months and soon he is going to be the one needing care and my mother's care will be cut back.
===Is she having any difficulty swallowing?
===Is she afraid she might lose continence if she drinks enough fluids?
===Does she like healthy things, or novel things?
Absolutely, water is best for rehydrating.
===But if the water at your house is like the water at our house, it's nasty Municipal water loaded with chlorine, etc. chemicals--which leaves one feeling more thirsty than they started out.
If problem swallowing, might consider a thickening agent--just enough to make it more like a full-liquid, like a thickened soup? There are thickening agents available, that come as a powder and sprinkle into the drink.
This helps anyone with swallowing difficulties.
Flavoring can be helpful, too.
I'm the LAST person to advise artificial flavoring and coloring, but, maybe those Mio water flavors might help? I've seen them at Walmart [no fan of them, either, but hey--sometimes, ya gotta.]
If she is afraid of peeing herself, but is given water thickened with chia seeds, for instance, it can be a bit more jelled, and, can have flavor added.
Coconut water is superb for giving elders or anyone at risk for dehydration, the electrolytes they need. It can also be flavored, to entice someone to drink more of it. Chia seeds are NOT probably a good idea, for people with dentures though.
OTH, chia seeds add nutritional intake which is very good, AND, help keep the bowels softly moving nicely.
For nasty Muni-water, we checked with our district, learned they only add chlorine, no Fluoride, and no Chloramines.
Therefore, we can use the KDF + charcoal shower filters, and, a solid-carbon block charcoal filter for the drinking and cooking water.
Voila', far better flavor, and far less caustic on the skin.
We're at a new location; theoretically, we only need to change these every 4 to 6 months...I'm thinking quarterly.
IF one has fluoride in the water, that requires a special filter to remove.
IF there are Chloramines in the water, that also requires a special filter to remove.
I went online, I think it was US filters, and ordered a countertop housing with a spigot, that hooks to the faucet.
They also have under-sink units.
I ordered the most common-size carbon block filters, to make sure we can always find one to fit, even from most stores that carry water filters. [2" x 10"--these are slightly less than those dimensions, but close]
They will try to sell you some massively more expensive units...but 1st check your water department, to learn what is actually in your water.....you might have to call a few times, to get the real deal.
It's worth it!
FINALLY...
If the patient is complaining that water hurts her stomach, more questions might need asked...like, to localize where it actually hurts her, for instance.
What temperatures of food or drink sooth it or make it worse?
You can't really "reason" or be logical with a dementia patient.
But sometimes, at some stages, you might try telling them that if they don't drink enough water, they might get a UTI--those hurt worse.
Keep telling them to drink the fluids, to prevent UTI's. Some of it might sink in, some of the time.
IF they are fearful of peeing themselves, maybe help them with a panty liner product for incontinence, or, make sure to take them to the potty more often, to help or remind them...sometimes they just forget, or, get busy [in their heads] thinking other things, and get distracted from paying attention to body needs---kinda like little kids.
IF she is also not eating much, THAT can cause stomach pain in some, which feels like if they put something else into the stomach, it might make it hurt worse---but it can actually help relieve that ache...especially if they sip it. That can be a nuisance, to remind or assist someone to drink something every 15 minutes or so, but sometimes, ya gotta do that.
OR, try serving it warm, maybe with a squirt of lemon or lime juice into it.
Temperature of the water for some, needs to be warm, while temperature for others, needs to be room temp or chilled.
This can change over time.
Keep working at it. You are aware and know she needs fluids...that's half the battle! Keep up the good work!
Hi, Kroger. When I drink water, it upsets my stomach. If I drink water without food, I get stomach pain. I have a feeling I might have ulcer since I tend to be starving by 4pm but get off work at 6pm. Chimonger gave some great information.
Chimonger, thanks for the info. I like the info about the thickening agent.
Bought Dad some Easter decor for his room and made a wreath this morning.
It's like a competition who can change the holiday decor the fastest.
I've sent a text to SIL that we need to meet and discuss this. We need to find the day to take dad to the bank to take my name out, and then I will move out. So we need to figure out how/who to replace my name in dad's account or apply for an ATM card. Who's going to help oldest sis take care of him, etc....
Strange... my super sensitive conscience is not acting up. I guess I've finally reached the end of my rope. Can't really Honor your parents if the parent no longer trusts you, and is fighting you, etc....
I feel so sorry for him. When I move out, none of the family will take care of him the way I do. I've been doing this close to 24 years with mom. I know the signs of potential bedsores and attack aggressively. I know when he's having allergic reactions to his herbal supplements and have been doing subterfuge to cut back on it. My family, even oldest sis, will not care. They won't think 'prevention.' I would come home at 630pm, and dad is soaking wet because he spilled his drink all over him, the bedding and onto the floor. Yet oldest sis did nothing. When I changed his pamper at 9pm, I found his shirt, bedding were soaking wet. I couldn't believe it. I guess it doesn't matter that he's soaking wet in an air con room, that he might get pneumonia, etc.. I guess their attitude is - If he dies, he dies. Like he said tonight, I'm a bad daughter. The daughter who makes sure he's clean, his bedding is clean, his table is clean, his floor is clean.... If I'm a bad daughter, I wonder what he's going to think of the relatives when they take over. I'm tired. I will need to remember to buy newspapers daily to look for an apartment to rent.