This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Jude, thanks for the detailed info on how you clean your mom. You’re very a thoughtful caregiver of your mom. And patient. And thorough. My hats off to you! I liked it so much, I hope you don’t mind that I copied/pasted it on my Word File notes: Caregiving Tips.
57twin, Veronica – I laughed hard when I read Veronica’s response. I was thinking just like her. 57twin, I thought your dad was going to be ‘naughty’. And when I read Veronica’s post, I burst out laughing. I’m still laughing, even now as I’m typing this.
Prayer, when my mom was in the very violent stage, she was prescribed Haldol. It was so strong, she just sat there staring off into space. When she was not taking it, she had so much anger and rage. She would chase us with this hatred in her eyes. We ran behind the heavy sofa. And she just flipped it like it was nothing. We screamed and ran into our bedroom, slammed the door, locked it. Mom was banging so hard against the door, it was shaking. Now let me tell you, when our dad had this house built, ALL the doors are solid – like the entrance doors. He did not skimp on getting cheap bedroom and bathroom doors. So, when that door was shaking under mom’s pounding, us girls were leaning against the door screaming out in fear. (We later found out that the mechanics of the mechanic shop next door thought it was hilarious hearing us scream while mom was banging on the door trying to break in.) In the end, my dad decided to take mom off Haldol. He didn’t even want to keep trying different meds to find the Right one for mom. One time, I didn’t catch on the change of mom’s demeanor. She suddenly changed to violence, grabbed my left breast, looked in me in the eyes with such glee, and purposely squeezed so hard and Then Twisted. I stood there in fear, staring in her eyes and she stared in mine with such glee on her face. I did Not whimper, or make any noise. I did my darn best Not To Cry or flinch. I stood there and stared back at her. When she saw that I was not reacting, she let me go. Since then, I’ve learned to Always not be too near her. This way, when she becomes violent, I have enough time to run. Traumatized me. Now, I’m very very fearful if I see anyone who is mentally off. I get flashbacks of mom having a blank face and then suddenly the violence. I think you should give it to hubby.
I told her that first of all, grandpa will not go to the ER or to the clinic. He may says he wants to go but he will not. But if he insists on going, call uncle of next door. If no one is next door, then wake up aunty (my oldest sis) and tell her that she needs to go with grandpa to the ER/clinic. I told niece that Grandpa will Only Listen to Males.
SIL calls me at work. No male next door, bro is going to work soon, nephews are not home. I told SIL, he may say he's going but he will not. Only a Male can get him to go. Sure enough, she finally got one of her sons to come over to the house. Niece text me - ....grandpa says he's going..... Next text, grandpa not going..... Next text, grandpa change mind, going..... Next text, grandpa not going.....In the end, he didn't go.
Niece was so stressed from dad's health issue today, that she ended up drinking 2 cans of ice coffee. She apologized to me for taking it. She asked me where is my stash so that she can replenish it. I said it's in my bedroom. Her eyes widened and she shook her head.
Fave niece can't stand passing the hallway that leads to my bedroom (at the end). It unnerves her so much, she Rarely comes to my bedroom. So, I just automatically assumed that she didn't want to go through that scary hallway to get the iced coffee.
Instead... she said, "Did Nelle tell you what Riah (her 4 year old daughter) said when they were here babysitting grandpa?" I shook my head.
She said, "Riah told her that there's someone in your bedroom. And the person looks like Aunty." When she said that, Nelle got up and quickly closed the door leading to the hallway to my bedroom.
I have another niece, when she was about 4 years old, when she would come to visit us, she would immediately run so fast from our livingroom, bang open the door to the hallway, and run into my bedroom. When I ran after her, I would find her standing and staring at my 2 real-life looking dolls. They both wear eye glasses like me. Long time ago, I placed them on the dresser drawer facing forward. But I never noticed that they had changed position. One doll is facing the left - towards the only open window with no shutters, and the other doll is facing my bedroom door. One day, I saw their new positioned and I would tell family that my dolls are guarding my bedroom from the bad spirits.
Anyway, I wanted to share this story of Riah seeing someone who looks like me in my bedroom with oldest sis. Remember, oldest sis can see the spirits. So, I knocked on her door and told it to her. Sis looks at me and said very seriously, "Oh yeah, there is one who looks like you." !!!#*^!! ... I'm a scaredy cat. I did not need for sis to confirm it! In my bedroom!!! Now I'm going to have to un-scare myself.
Can you get him into a routing of passing a motion? perhaps he isn't aware he is going so perhaps a word with the doc might help.
My mother's friend husband is a fiddler too only with him it was his uridom (not sure what you call them in the US its like a condom for urine to pass through. So they catheterised him and now he has yanked that out and made himself bleed 4 times in the last week...he wont let them near him now excelt for that nice young nurse (his grandaughter) who baulks at the very thought of touching his genitalia bless her.
10 things you cannot say to your Mum
1. When you are lost in the haze that is Alzheimer's I cry ... a lot
2. I want for you to be happy but I don't know whether you are or not
3. That hurts
4. I don't know how frightened you are
5. I'm not perfect as a carer mum but I do try
6. I watch over you when you sleep at night and hold your hand until you stop being restless
7. When you fall the fear in your eyes breaks my heart
8. When you ask to die I die inside because I can't help you
9. Just because I am cross with you sometimes doesn't mean I stopped loving you
10. I hate your disease but I would do it all again because you're my mum
Veronica, if I did that, he would hit me when it comes to changing pampers. I have tried to tighten his pants but all he has to do is suck in his stomach and then reach in. I worry that as he continues to decline mentally, he might keep pulling out his catheter. Even just now, when the home care nurse changes his catheter once a month, I saw that he wanted to punch her. I froze when I saw his hand fisted and jerked upward ... as he was hurting in pain as she inflated the balloon. I froze because I had flashbacks when he used to punch me. I would have stood there and watched him punch the nurse while she was inflating it. I'm so ashamed. I didn't tell any of the family on this. The nurse is coming this Saturday to change it. I'm going to be a chicken and stay away from home until she comes and goes.
I need to slow down so dad can understand but need advice on how to do so as I believe I confuse him a lot.
Now with full disclosure I am not a regular churchgoer and can not tell you where to find the ten commandments but with enough warning could find out and have opinions in my mind before the sermon began.
and it is utterly meaningless. Bear in mind too that hearing is susbstantially diminished as we age so the iamgoingtotheshoptodaydoyouwantanythingwhileiamthere becomes iaingtotheshdaydoyouanythingwhileithere and is just a jumble to them so take a deep breath and then speak as if he has said pardon 4 times. You will naturally HAVE to slow down because if not he will either switch off or he will say pardon 4 times!
GOD bless the caregivers.
Sheryl, I agree that with your mom losing her short term memory, it’s going to be tough road ahead. And maybe not. Maybe just her asking or repeating herself over and over. We just have to take it one day at a time….
College, poop mess. I don’t think I can ever get used to that. The puke and running away goes through my head a lot, too. When you see her doctor, are you able to slip a note to him of her current activities (what you just told us – ready to fight am, seeing people, etc…) Hopefully he can prescribe her medication to help with the visions. So sad that she’s aware that she’s not ‘right” (in the head.)
Pam, that’s good news – free time for you and hubby. I hope you both enjoy your time together.
I told baby bro that I’m not coming this year. He asked why. I said that I might not have a job by the end of the year and I cannot afford to spend $1800 on airline ticket. So, he has offered his 75,000 miles – which will cover my one-way ticket. And I have 38,000 miles which can cover my one-way return ticket (which involves an overnight in Houston). No problem. Just rent a hotel room which provides airport/hotel shuttle. So, tomorrow, I will check when my 2 bosses are going to the US mainland (they go yearly in the summer). Then I will work my trip from there. Yippee! This will wipe out my miles. It’ll take me another 3 years to get 35,000 miles – using my credit card.