This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Felis Pasgna
Un linguaha n ni ngivan u naham.
I have searched the internet and many sites promise common phases but they are all the same 40. I could not see where to fit in "There are eels in my boat" I really have to give up on this. how many times can I tell you "I love you" or how are you?" maybe eldest sis could spend her time contributing to wickipedia and add some more useful phrases.
You definitely should get an epi pen. Even when you have used it you are supposed to go to an ER. maybe you should see an allergist rather than an ENT.
I just wanted to say - that with my dad's confusion, he is sooooo much nicer! We laugh a lot, but then I also get a lot of confused looks. Doesn't help I think he's talking to me, but he's not. He's talking to the-ones-I-don't-see-but-only-him. Every time I think it's UTI, the nurse takes a urine sample - and it's not. We did a lot of laughing tonight.
Now if only my parents would understand when it is pollen season sometimes I cannot be available to drive them somewhere.... I am lucky I can get home in one piece from my office which is just a mile down the road.
Which had a surprise visit from the Easter Bunny! Got some Kodak moment photos. Also found out other had the norovirus and it was as bad as mine.
My cousin last saw dad late fall just before they leave for Florida and she did not think his Alz worsened very much but noticed his hand tremors have as I have noticed the same as he is getting more food stains on his shirts but not sure if drugs are going to help a lot.
Anyhow I dread the time poop issues could arise as Dad is not to that point yet. Dealing with th cats poop issues is not even on the same scale.
JessieBelle – such an understatement! =) Just the smell with sight unseen – is enough for me to want to run out and never come back.
Pam – I feel so sorry for your in-laws. What a rude awakening – to deal with the huge poop blow out. I get grossed out when I come home and find the inside toilet and seat has poop splatters. And that’s in the bathroom. Denial – deafness? I think they might learn real quick that it’s not.
Freqflyer – you have it bad when it comes to pollen season. I wonder, now that you mentioned lightheadedness, if maybe my lightheadedness is also due to my allergies.
Veronica, I saw that the temperature in the mainland is in the 20’s. I immediately thought of oldest bro and his wife going to Las Vegas, then S.C. for a month. They’ve been trying to get me to go with them. Nope. I said it’s still winter time and I do not think spending most of my time freezing is a vacation.
FYI, my boss still has not approved or denied my vacation leave request.
57twin – adult poop is nothing compared to cat poop. Or baby poop - according to fave niece. She said that her baby’s poop may be stinky but not the gasping, choking smell of grandpa’s. She said that I’m very lucky to have no sense of smell – because that’s what’s helping me to deal with the poop.
In severe pain on my forehead, side of my right face, throbbing right side head, right back head, I finally got on the computer and googled: Youtube sinus massage. I tried 3 different YouTube videos. The first one, it was so painful to touch my face - my nose, the side of the nose, my cheeks, above my eyebrows, etc... I even got lightheaded and stopped. Got up, walked around, then went back to doing it. The sinus pain went down by 40% and can breathe better. I then went to the next video, did it several times. Sinus headache went down another 40%. I went to the 3rd video. This one was putting slight pressures on the face - not much of swiping left/right to the ears. just pressure points. The conclusion was to hold both pointer fingers just between your eyebrows for 5 minutes. Breathe in deep. Hold. Breathe out. Oh, holding that and deep breathing - I felt something shift - my tenseness decreased. I finally stopped googling youtube after this 3rd video. My front face was no longer in pain!
BUT, I now felt the side and back head throbbing. Nausea. Migraine headache. I tried to sleep it off, couldn't with the throbbing. So, I got up, ate food so that I can take the Excedrin Migraine pill. sigh.... My migraine has gone down by 80%. But it's still painful for me to read this computer. The light is hurting my eyes. My right eye is trying to squint as I read.
And, my nose is slightly draining out. I guess those sinus massage IS draining my sinus. I'm going to have to do this daily.
I thought you all might like to know that those sinus massages sure do work if you don't want to take pills for it. If I can just stop the bleeding, I can do the neti pot.
Hubby just told me about a new treatment for migraine (I used to suffer from migraine with aura) There is a small whoose name I can't recall right behind the brige of the nose. Now I personally would not fancy this proceedure but I am not desperate but they insert wires either through your cheek or up your nose to this ganglion and leave them there. At the first sign of a migrain you hold as device to your cheek which tansmits preumably electricity to the wires and thus the ganglion and stops the progression of the headache. getting this treatment on island I woukld guess is zero to none but it occurred to me that you might get a similar result by applying ice to the bridge of your nose. I only get the aura these days(there is benefit in being old) and maybe a very slight headache but next time I get the aura I am going to try. Have you tried using sunglasses when it hurts to look at the screen.
It's had been a battle of the thermostat with my boss who likes a nice warm office.... with my occasional hot flashes I want it meat locker cool. I solved part of the heat problem by closing off all the registers in my office, and opening all the registers in my boss' office. But when the door to the main office is closed for the night, that heat goes everywhere.
There are times when the doctor across the hall will prop open the back door to the building to let the fresh air come in, and into his office and into our office.... ah, that feels so good :)
I hate getting that lightheaded feeling, tends to make me panic which in turns makes it much worse. The domino effect.
P.S., fave niece came yesterday with iced tea. I figured iced tea has caffeine. So I took that to work instead of my morning small can of Mr.Brown ice coffee. Big mistake. Tea caffeine just does not work the same as a coffee caffeine. I left work and found on the 2nd store a can of Pepsi. Sodas and eggs are in big demand due to Easter Sunday. Lots of party and picnicking.
Short answer- you need me-time away from your stressors, exercise (I'm lousy@), talk, vent it out (don't hold it in), and see a doctor for help (meds, therapy, etc...)
So, a {{{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you.
FF are you on meds for high B/P? maybe it is running too low. Try and not go down or up too fast just take your time and stop half way if you have too. (Getting something on the bottom shelf stop at the middle one and read a label) can you take a fan into your office to blow cool air on you. Put a bowl of ice on the air vent. Get one of those cloths the runners use to keep cool and have it round your neck. i am full of helpful hints aren't i? she who simply stopped her periods at 45 and never looked back. I did wear all cotton tops for a few years but that was it and resisted being pushed into HRT - glad I did now. I can relate to the feeling when getting up though my B/P swings like a pendulum and my arteries could use a good dose of draino.
She said, "You don't know what it's like to be a parent. To have children and fear for them. You don't know what it's like to lose someone."
I snapped back, "I put my whole damn life on hold for mom and dad. I did not marry. I did not have children, etc...."
Oldest-bro-of-next door and SIL came immediately down. Both of them told me to 'let it go.' I refused to let it go. I have withheld so much within. I refused to let it go. Why does it always have to be ME to let it go? So, I turned to my bro and SIL and said, "I put my life to help mom and dad. Sis KNEW that I wanted to leave this island to live in the states. How do you know that I didn't want to marry? Or to have kids? YOU SEE HOW I AM WITH CHILDREN!" SIL stopped telling me to 'let it go'. She turned away from me and started crying.
I stayed in the kitchen, crying, while fave sis was in the livingroom crying. When I heard her leave the livingroom to go outside, I opened the kitchen door (separates the livingroom/kitchen) and went to my bedroom, locked the door, turned on the air con, laid on bed and tried not to cry.
I heard knocking on my bedroom door. It was Her. I knew that she will keep knocking until I opened the door. I told her a few weeks ago that I've been having suicidal thoughts. And decided to go to my doctor and ask for anti-depressants. Sis will not leave me alone in my bedroom. So, I opened the door. She was crying profusely, kept apologizing and hugged me so tightly. I was stiff against her, and half-heartedly hugged her. I was still hurting from her words. I cannot erase it. It's ringing in my head, going round and round. Crying as I type this, over 5 hours after the incident. She refused to let me stay in the bedroom. I went out on the porch, crying - because I cannot have her in my bedroom, my sanctuary. I'd rather cry in public than have her stay in my room.
The rest of my afternoon was ruined. Sis kept me on a tight leash. 'K, where are you going?" over and over, every time I got up from the chair. She kept trying to draw me out, smiling, encouraging me to enjoy myself. I just sat there, smiling quick ones to just get her off my back.
While on the porch around 4pm, her shopping bags fell off the table to the floor. About 15 minutes later, her heavy purse fell from the same table onto the floor. No one was near the table. Then another 15 minutes later, the food cover flew off the food and hit her. Sis said she's sorry. That my 'spirits' are getting back at her for getting mad at me.
She finally left at 5pm. It was just SIL and I on the porch. I said, "Thank goodness she left. I'm very exhausted. I need a nap." SIL told me to go ahead and go in. She will clean up the porch (put the food away, clear the table, etc...) I went in, knocked out in the livingroom. Dad woke me up at 6pm. He said that if I kept sleeping, I won't be able to sleep tonight.
I've been crying again off and on throughout the evening. I had just finished crying when I heard a knock on the livingroom door. Teacher niece came in. She asked me how I'm doing. I started crying again. Niece said that she hasn't heard me get mad in a long time. I told her that I keep everything inside. When I'm pushed too far, I let it out. And when I'm letting it out, and someone tells me to just 'let it go' (like her parents), it just pisses me off more. Because I've been letting things go and keeping it all inside. So, once I let it out, I will let it out. Don't tell me to 'let it go.'
Anyway, niece said that her brother (the one whom my sister's 3 year old grandson was playing ball with - and disappeared with) said that my sister saw him and her grandson walking to the back of the house. Obviously, sis does not remember this in her panic. And practically yelled at me, and said those hurtful words to me. Niece said that everyone noticed how withdrawn I was during the party. What can I say? I didn't want to be there and pretend that everything is honkey-dory.
I woke up from my nap just amazed that my sinus is not clogged up. Those sinus massages are something else! It really works. By the way, I ate a new food today. I hesitated in eating it since my allergies are in overdrive. I ate it - all. And I immediately got what I thought was a mosquito bite. But when it got bigger, I showed it to fave niece. She took one look and said, "Aunty, did you take your allergy pill?" No, I thought it was a mosquito bite. I took the pill in time. My lips started tingling and my tongue felt funny. I ate a food called 'tapioca'. I guess I will need to add that to my ever growing 'not to eat' list.
He was fortunate I had no clue to the reality of what a severe stroke (taking 2/3rd of his brain and leaving a 99% inclusion of right coratic artery) would do to my life. He handled it all and then the roles reversed. The time had come for me to step up to the plate and follow through on a promise i made without the knowledge of what it ment.
His current condition has grown into a medical monster. Includes: Grand mall siezures every 3 mos, tremmors 2xs daily that I always have to stop the bus and muster up the extra attention needed to comfort his fear, daily chest pains ( two stints put in after stroke and now hes a cardiac patient), incontinence (daily conversations yes youll have a BM and no i wont give you more colac and senna), chronic pain from arthritis and many old injuries including five areas of broken bones that require massaging and therapy a couple times a day, hes blind on one side and is so week from the two clots just found he cant even throw the blankets off his body. There's mire including PTSD from military service in Vietnam war And multiple complications due to agent orange. Still fighting w va to get him 100% disabIlity.
I sleep never and his care is so time demading that I never have a moment to attend to any financial responsibilities.
I have absolutely no help from his family. Rediculous trailer trash self serving kids do nothing but accuse me of manipulation. Even though i have been involved as a family member for 9 years.
Lately i have had an explosive temper w rage that is hard to hold back. Everyday my life is taken away from me and im forced to live with the stress of everything ghat touches his life. Advacting for his medical care sends me soaring through the roof. Dr and nurses and hospital staff can demonstrate what STUPID looks like. My patience is gone and if a person crosses me I will come unhinged on them.
I hate what this kind of life i have now. I used to have privacy and spent time alone reading hangi g out with my three doxis. I road my harley everyday everywhere. I had a man who pulled my motorcycle out of the shop and had it waiting for me when i came out.
I'm bitter because itll not get any better for me even if he dies. I still have a funeral ahead to take care of. His family will be furious after they learn he wiiled it all to me. Plus, i'll have to get a job to provide for myself.
I love my man. I have lost so much in 20 mos. I even had to put down two dogs that were my everything. Within a 3mos period.
I dont blame him at all. I just wished i had more hours so i could sleep. Feeling hopeless about my future.
The next step is to get her to see her doctor. Again, it's best to see a geriatrician (specializes in elder people's health issues). These doctors are sharper at identifying elderly's issues like dementia, etc... They are not so easily fooled as a regular doctor. If no geriatrician, perhaps request to see a neurologist, etc..
So, she's sad when you mentioned her seeing a doctor. Why does this stop you from taking her? It's for her own good, and it's best to catch her dementia early - so that meds can be prescribed to slow down the disease.
Don't tell her that she's going to be seen for dementia. Just say that she's going to see her doctor for her yearly physical. When you go with her, slip a brief note for the doctor to read - about her symptoms. Will she allow you to go in with her? And that you can walk out of the room if it's exam time?
My dad Knows he's forgetful. He keeps complaining that he's getting more and more forgetful. But he still refuses to go to the clinic. Denial.
Whatever you do, don't wait until she's lost. By then, it's too late. If she has an emergency medical issue, call 911, go to the ER, they will NOT allow you in with her. Due to the HIPAA law, her medical health issues is very private.
I took my mom to the ER. She was completely vegetative state. Couldn't move at all or talk or comprehend. I was 'encouraged' to go and eat lunch in the cafeteria. When I sat down to look in my purse to see if I had money, the doctor walked into mom's cubicle and the nurse discussed mom's situation. When I returned from lunch, no one told me anything about mom. I was just given her prescription orders and the release form. When I got home, and the home care nurse came in, I showed them the release form. Mom had bronchitis.
The same when I took dad to the ER. Again, I was asked to sit outside of the ER. When they released dad, they told me nothing. So, don't wait until it's too late. Or your hands will be tied.