This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
It is not fair that your husband would tell you to quit, why didn't he quit if he wants HIS mother in his home? Why doesn't he pay for some respite time for you so you can get away at least once a week? You are right, you did not sign up for this. Perhaps some marital counseling is in order. Maybe get a geriatric care manager involved to help all three of you. Others will chime in soon.
Cut her as much slack as you can, meanwhile. She shouldn't be mean to you and it isn't fair, but always remember that she must feel like seven shades of the proverbial. Any one of those conditions would wipe her out - all of them together are a heck of a lot for her to bear - that's why she's being horrible.
We are still planning to move both Mom and Dad and feel like we are rushing against a clock. Dad wants to move ASAP knowing that he will be leaving sooner than Mom and wants the peace of knowing that she will be safe. I will still be moving around the block from my sister and hopefully doing so by May 1st. I will be taking off work in two weeks to get my move completed, my parent's move completed, care takers and hospice in place, etc.
My dad is getting weaker every day and can no longer help with things and feels terrible about that. My siblings and I are still working this together and quite frankly I can not imagine doing this without them as so many of you seem to be doing.
Since finding out the news about my father my mother's dementia seems to have gotten worse. She is as pleasant as can be, kind, funny, sweet, etc. but she is telling all kinds of stories and making up all kinds of things as she goes along. Her response to my father's news is that she does not want to talk about feelings when there is nothing she can do about it. This is kind of realistic I suppose. My aunt, Mom's sister, tells me that she was always like that. She found her father dead in their home, attended the funeral and then went back to dancing. This is kind of weird to me but possibly quite realistic.
She is continuing with therapy and trying to walk again and I am still hopeful that she might, but then again maybe not. It is too hectic to really get a good read on anything. This is really hard and it is hard to find a minute to even stop and breath.
Thanks for listening.
Gawomen – Yes, she’s your mother-in-law (MIL). But she is your husband’s mother. I did not like the part about him telling you that you have to quit your job to take care of her. That must have hurt. It would if it was me. FIRST, I would call back work and ask if there is a possibility of you coming back, if there’s an opening. SECOND, I will start trying to find resources for your MIL. She can go to adult daycare (don’t word it like this – they will say they’re not a baby to go to daycare.) but it will cost money. See if she qualifies for Medicaid. Worse case scenario, maybe MIL can go to daycare 2 or 3 times a week. THIRD, prepare for your heart-to-heart talk with husband. Explain what it meant for you to give up your job to take care of HIS mother. State that she is being mean and abusive to you. And you will Not Accept this any more. He will need to help you with His mother. But he most likely won’t. Unless you go on strike. Have any relatives you can go visit for several weeks?
Sophe, so much going on, too many caregiving. I feel so bad for you and your husband. That’s my greatest fear – of dad accusing me of stealing his money – and having to prove that I’m not. My maternal grandmother, who had dementia, did just that. My aunties/uncles had to go to court and prove that they didn’t misuse her money.
I am one state away in AL, so I know what you're talking about with the rain. It feels like it has been raining since 2012. It makes caregiving so much harder and so much gloomier.
Do you have hospice helping? Some of the hospice organizations will give you some respite hours once or twice a week. If you don't have hospice already, your MIL could qualify for it. That would be very nice for you to have help at home.
As i see it you have three problems
1 the loss of your job and independence
2 the totally unaccepible way your husband has treated and is treating you.
3 Coping with your dying MIL.
1 and 2 can be set aside temperorally because from your description MIL will die within a very few weeks. Call in hospice now. If this has not been done obtain POA financial and medical and if possible have her sign a DNA (do not recusitate order). Hospice can help with all these but you may need an attorney. Call hospice today it is not too soon and she will qualify and they will send you some help. if not when an emergency occurs do not hesitate to send her to the ER where they will probably admit her for a few days and transfer to a N/H. Tell hubby if he takes her home you will not be there to take care of her and mean it. Her assets will be used for her care neither you nor hubby will have to pay. If she owns the house that will be claimed by medicare as an asset so you will be homeless.
I know you are feeling desperate and trapped at the moment but if you can manage to suck it up for a few more weeks you will be more able to calmy look at your own situation and move forward.
1 and 2 are different problems and can wait.
You will work again and it won't be long so hang ont to that.
There are far deeper problems with hubby that the current situation so now is not the time to address them. They have been there for a very long time so need to be adressed calmly at a later time. By all means get some councilling now to help you through the final stages of MILs life but the real work is yet to come.
Hubby is in total denial and simply may not be able to help with his mother but that is not to say he can't help you. He can do the shopping for example and other things outside the home you normally take care of.
Try and ignore MILs hurtful comments you are the closest target for her to lash out at and her thinking is becomming skewed but remember you are the only one bringing comfort to this poor woman as she approaches her death so try and be merciful. God won't mind if you skip church for now as long as you continue to believe and prey
My dad also called around. He found a program in the senior citizen department - that provides 4 hours caregiver respite. They will stay and take care of my bedridden mom, while he can go out and do whatever he wants. He refused. He'd much rather stay home and talk with them. This program is half local funding and half federal funding. You may want to try calling your senior citizen local gov't department to find out what programs they have.
Another point about fatalism: I respect your MIL's decision not to continue with the myeloma treatment; but I hope she doesn't extend that to rejecting all medical options. If the heart failure is making her breathless, for example, maybe her diuretic wants reviewing - I wonder if she is accepting all of the palliative measures that might do a lot to make her more comfortable?
See how that works? You're not dying soon, right? But YOU need support as does your family whether you realize it or not. It sounds like you are on the edge.
Hospice is not only support for the one who is dying. They are a valuable resource for everyone involved. When my dad was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer, I was devastated and didn't know WHAT to do. I did reach out to hospice though and they were there from the beginning until my dad's death and continued to support us for a year later with grief counseling.
In my experience with hospice, it's not what some people think - that they are there just to inject morphine every now and then and hasten your loved ones death. That's far, far from the real situation.
Most of us are not equipped to deal with a dying loved one. I know I wasn't, not medically, emotionally, spiritually and even in the realm of dealing with the reams of paperwork and forms a death entails. Hospice provides guidance for negotiating those really hard days. They're also on call 24/7. When my dad had a seizure at 3 a.m., they were there. When, mentally, I absolutely couldn't take it anymore, they were there.
For you and your family, I'd call in hospice. It is really a VERY respectful thing to do, especially if you think she is fearful and she has lost her way in her faith. You can give that back to her - a very big gift at a very important time. No matter your faith, a person from your religion will play as big a role, or as little a role, as your loved one and family requests.
My family was also a "pull yourself up from your bootstraps" and respect your elder's wishes type. But when they kind of lose their sense of reality, my dad, brain cancer, do you really want them, well, in charge? The same goes for dementia and late stage cancer of any type.
Hospice is comfort care, and for me, they were a blessing.
Maybe you'll reach a point where you'll just call them visiting nurses. Whatever works. They'll bathe your MIL, give you 10 hours a week of "off" time, monitor her meds and arrange for folks from her church to give you additional respite time.
She IS being selfish. She is trying to control things until the bitter end no matter what toll it takes on you. I know. I'm still dealing with that with my mom who lives in assisted living that sucked the life out of my dad and is now trying to do that to me. I know the routine.
All I know is my dad was a wonderful person and the journey was a lot less scary with hospice. I honestly don't know what I would've done without them.
P.S.... buy yourself a huggable lovable doll. When you're feeling down, scared - you're never too old to hug that doll for comfort. I have 2 animal neck warmers. They are so soft. I have the horse on my lap while typing here. At nights, I have the frog to hold up my kindle. Or if I sleep on my back, I drape it over my tummy. They're not dolls, but I do find comfort from it. /// I wish you well. And will say a prayer for you. {{{{ HUGS }}}}
Anyway, with that sinus massage, I now do it when I feel my face beginning to hurt. Last night, I felt a slight headache on my forehead. I slightly swiped both hands from the center down to the side of my ears. My left hand went over the corner of my eye brow, and I heard something liquidy pop. Eeww. But, with that popping sound, the headache went away.
For the couple of mornings, I wake up amazed that I'm not stuffed up. I wake up with both nostrils working. Too bad my sense of smell hasn't returned. Maybe that's a good thing because dad's poop can get really smelly - choking smelly kind.
I still get the sinus headache though on my head (not the face). My right ear still rings at night. And I've noticed that the vertigo has cut back. Now, how can I release the sinus pressure inside my head? If I have time, I will research it. Time to change dad's pamper.
Let me give you some examples from this week. I dont want a shower I had one this morning (Hm no you didnt) Oh so you did I forgot lets have a strip wash instead.
I cant eat this meat you know I cant eat meat....Gosh sorry I forgot what would you like? Some chicken ... OK mum I will get you some now let me have your plate. (goes into kitchen minces said meat) there ya go. Is that chicken? yes says I lying through my teeth. Thats much better than that stuff you just gave me.
Drives me nuts but hey its easier than the angst of her anger
"There clearly is some relationship between the two, but allergy is only one of several factors causing headaches. The role of allergies in headaches is probably much less than most people believe." ..... And that is why when I take the extra strength sinus/allergy headache pills - it doesn't work. Yes, it lowers the pain a bit, but it comes back within a hour......" over 97% of self reported “sinus headaches” were migraines." ....... That is why my Rx for migraine prescribed by the neuro doc works soooo well... Because all this time, I thought I was having sinus/allergy headaches, when most of the time it was migraines.... Did you know that there are different kinds of migraines? ...There are migraine headaches in which your nose is congested and eyes/nose waters as part of its symptoms.