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Oh, dad this morning said that I'm nothing. Those exact words my oldest bro said to me. Pissed me off. Well, oldest sis will be back to giving his morning eggs from now on. I took over since sis was slow at giving him. I will stop using the bath body brush to scratch his back. I got him 2 backscratchers. Since I'm nothing, he can scratch his own back...
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Book, are you taking Bro ' s word for what dad said? Was there context?
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Book, I've noticed that the more we do, the less they think of us. I've also noticed that the siblings who do the least are often respected the most.
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Juddabudd, Your post touched me. Brought me back to trying to communicate with my dad, though only 77, with brain cancer. Love can be felt through the eyes and touch most definitely. Sometimes that is all we are left with, and it feels so darn good when they hold your hand and they actually sort of squeeze it back or I imagined it. !

Your presence was a precious gift to your dad. My dad was left without words for the last two months of his life. HARD! YEAH! I know he didn't want me to have the burden of my mom on my own. Though I love her, HE, and he alone knew how high maintenance she is in this life.

That's another story for another day...

So those feelings WERE about YOU. That's okay, really. You said it in your last sentence and I agree. It IS hard to imagine being on this earth without our parents. That's sooo okay to feel that way. I know my dad would not want my mom to be putting me through the hoops she is doing. It's just what it is.

Do what you're doing. Just show him love in the most simple ways, hand touch, etc. He will know you are there. That is what is most important.



So, I understand in my own way. Mental crap or old age or cancer makes it impossible to say the things we want to that our loved ones can't comprehend. I feel your pain and sorrow.
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Jessiebelle -- wow you are so right! The more I have done for mom, the more critical my siblings, and even my own kids & spouse have been. I've never noticed that, really, until you wrote that. It's a mystery why that should be. Except maybe that my mom is exceptionally appreciative of all my efforts (even if imperfections) and she has told each of my siblings how wonderful my family is, and all her friends hear that from her too. I don't set out to "obtain her adulations, but yes, it does feel nice to know I am appreciated. Whereas, from the sibs perspectives they probably don't want to be reminded......
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Let us all remember this Apart from the obvious - illness or sickness - disease is also defined as "a particular quality, habit, or disposition regarded as adversely affecting a person or group of people". Dementia, by its very nature, seems to be able to combine both thereby wreaking havoc not just within the individual but on the group of people that surround that person.

I am guilty of replacing the disease with my mother and looking back I have often said my mother ..... my mum .....

Today is my new focus day - havent a clue how long it will last - probably until she rings the bell for the 10th time but my mantra for today is

It's not my mum its the disease she has that makes her that way
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Babylou - for my dad, females are nothing, know nothing. We shouldn't talk since we know nothing. We're only good for ..having babies, clean the house, cook, wash clothes, etc... I was in the middle of changing his pamper, when I told him that I can only do a quick back brush since I'm running late for work. That's when he said that I was Nothing. I almost walked away with no pamper, pants down his legs, and let him wait for sis to wake up and find him like that.

Jessiebelle, I'm back to doing "my" chores - which is to just change his pampers (no extras - like scratching his own back). Sis will deal with her previous chores.

Today, she was not a happy camper. I think, she's getting fed up with me, too. In her mind, she's doing all the grunt work. (Babysitting only? Not changing his pampers at all? If he spills fluid on himself, she doesn't even change his wet shirt, pants, bedding? I do it when I come home after work around 630-700pm.)

Juddha - you're doing great. A lot of times, it's learn as you go. You just have to wing it. Or read/learn from others' experiences. It's like Windy said. It's just now a different way of communicating with your father.

Anonymous, there was a time when my dad deeply hurt me. I could not call him "dad" because he wasn't a dad. He was hurtful. I called him 'father' for several months.
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Grrrrr I am not anonymous truly Im not Im Jude AH53 but it does let me be that anymore xxxxxx
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doesn't ^ not does grrrr typos
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I'm going through my email. This quote seems like a timely advice....

Don't let the world decide who you are. YOU decide who you are.
by Garth Brooks
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Title: Calcium Supplements Tied to Macular Degeneration

April 10, 2015 -by Medscape Medical News - Older people who take more than 800 mg of calcium a day are almost twice as likely to be diagnosed with macular degeneration.
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OMGoodness! I've been trying to force myself to take 2 calcium pills, and have been giving dad 2 pills a day. By the way, the study was not as extensive as it should have been.
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oooh I am back to being me excellente
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My thought for today:
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. (this I need to learn)

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens. (this I have virtually conquered)

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. (Oh if only I had the time to do this)

4. Give more. (I have only one comment (WTF?)

5. Expect less from people but more from yourself. (See comment on 4)

Us carers are well on the path to full achievement xxxxxx we deserve a pat on the back consider yourself patted xxxxxxxxx
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bookluvr, regarding the "Calcium Supplements Tied to Macular Degeneration". My Mom takes calcium pills, drinks milk at every meal, has cottage cheese daily, cheese, eats a lot of ice cream, plus take a prescription pill to keep her bones from becoming brittle.... well she never had broken a bone and she's 97, but she has lost most of her eye sight to Macular Degeneration. Makes me wonder.

I can't tolerate any type of calcium supplement but can deal with an occasional Tums which has some calcium benefit. I am dairy intolerant. So I guess I will keep by eye sight but will probably break a few bones :P
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JudeA - I read your list #4 and scoffed at that. Give more? I've been giving more for my parents the past 26 years than any of my 7 siblings. Same applies with List #5 - Expect LESS? Uhm... not only am I expecting less, it's coming true! But more for myself .. . whoever wrote that sure never experienced 24/7 of years of caregiving! Thank goodness we both agree about 4 and 5.

Freqflyer - as I was reading your comment, I Thought you were going to Refute it! I'm so torn between losing my eye sight vs. breaking my bone. Hate to say this... but saving my eyes won. I think the article was aimed at the Calcium Supplements - Manmade stuff. I think calcium from regular food - salmon, tuna, milk, etc... are okay. It's the Supplements. It kind of makes sense. A lot of medicines have side effects - asprin causes bleeding of the stomach, Motrin causes a hole in the stomach, Tylenol damages your liver, Calcium supplement damages your kidney (hence the instruction to drink LOTS of water when taking it)...
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My mum has just had her calcium tablets stopped and we have been advised that tinned salmon with the bones in is a good source of calcium - I did start to wonder about all the foods that are marked fortified with like breakfast cereal and juices because they wont be natural calcium sources so will they too be risky. A doctor once told me that to be healthy we should only eat organic food and nothing that comes in a packet or tin
So with that in mind am I supposed to buy my own cow? grow my own corn and rice and .... you know what I will just go one as I always have and if the diseases get me then my name must have been on them but I wont be having calcium tablets thats for sure
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Today I'm better then yesterday, Dad ended his journey at a few minutes after midnight 4/23/15. I was about to administer a dose of morphine, turned around and he was gone. I stayed with him holding him and telling him one more time how much I love him for about 10 minutes before I called my brother in the next room. Arrangements are made and the "family" and friends are invading any quiet I have, but I understand where they are coming from. After funeral I will drive the 3 hours back home to my Catskill Mountains and my precious husband who has been my rock these past 8 months. Thank you all you have been the stones that kept me going while I waited for my rock each weekend. I pray you will continue to hold each other up keep on doing what you are doing no matter what anyone says, does or thinks, you are the best.
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Antilane, my condolences on your father. You've been there when he needed you the most. I'm glad that you were able to have the last few minutes with him in peace and quiet. You take care. {{HUGS}}
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My thoughts are with you Antilane, for the love you have given, the support you have received and for the strength you will need in the coming weeks/months. xxxxx. As for us we are all just here to support each other and I know we are proud to be the stepping stones that keep us all from falling into the water too often
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I can't believe it! On Friday morning, our TV cable was working. I came home, and it was out (snowy reception.) I finally called the cable company on Saturday afternoon figuring that it's not a temporary outage. They verified that I was not behind our bill and sent a repair order. The repairman came and still here.

Someone cut our cable on top of our roof some time on Friday day time! He/she had to use a ladder to cut and take the missing cable on top of our roof.

Remember how I have gone on and on about sis Not Locking The Door! No matter how many crimes are happening In The Home by Strangers, she still does not lock the door?

The lady who opened the door, the men burst in, tied her up and proceeded to beat her to the pulp with a lead pipe? The 2 elderly couple (mother and daughter) in which there was a knock on the door, daughter asked who is it, the guy answered, and she opened it. He pushed his way in, beat up her and her bedridden mother, to burglarize the place - 8:30pm. The couple,in daytime, answered a knock in their door. Got tied up, beatened, and their home was robbed. On and on.. Every time a new crime was committed in the home by strangers, I brought it up to dad and sis. AND SHE STILL UNLOCKS THE D*RN LIVINGROOM ENTRANCE DOOR WHEN I LEAVE IN THE MORNING (Despite the gov't caregiver coming in the afternoon.)!!!!

Obviously, sis knows better than me.

Today, when the cable man told me this, I knocked on sis door and asked her about Friday. Did she see anyone? When did the cable go out? She didn't see anyone and she doesn't know when the cable when out.

I told her that this was done on Friday DAYTIME. I keep telling you over and over - To Lock the Doors! ...

and just like all the previous times I've said this to her - she would say that she will lock the doors. Why do I not believe her??????
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It is frustrating that some people feel invulnerable. Crime won't happen to them. My parents used to leave their doors unlocked. My mother thought I was silly when I started locking them, saying no one ever had broken in. I told her, "It only takes once."
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Antilane, My condolences to you. Losing your dad is really hard. ((hugs)) to you dear.
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To avoid vulnerability get a deadlock fitted that way when you close the door it is locked. Get a spy hole fitted so they can see who is at the door. It wont stop them openeing the door but it might just help. We have an A4 size sticker on our door that says DONT OPEN THE DOOR UNLESS YOU KNOW WHO IT IS. It works when Mum remembers to read it.
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Dear Antilane, ...... I send my condolences as well to you. I pray you will have the strength to go through the changes ahead, from folks all around you... to none , as all quiets down and all continue with their own lives. Loneliness may enter at times... That's when it helped me to remember, that my parents wanted happiness for me... and to honor them I found ways to be of use to others and do things that I had put on hold, which included travel to see distant relatives... To find one’s own peace would make any parent happy. So I do wish you well !!!
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Dad misses the Odd caregiver. I just received an email from her work, the national caregiver respite organization. They have discontinued respite care for us caregivers due to lack of funding by our local gov't. I told dad that we only see Odd CG about once or twice a month when she needs money. She's due to 'visit' in early May. She only comes to 'visit' when I'm at work. Sis does a 'disappearing act' so that she is not question CG from taking dad's money. Odd CG logged in our money sheet that she took $70.00 because 'pappy' told her to.

Today, he really misses her. He keeps asking for her. Unhappy that she's 'too busy' to visit him.

He got angry with the home nurse yesterday. He's tired of me and her always telling him to drink water. Since I came home yesterday at 3pm, till mid-noon, he did Not drink water at all. All he wants is his nutrient drink. He no longer craves his grape juice drink.

And he's always saying the F-bomb....
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Still planning for my trip, I went to several shoe stores (Footlocker, etc..) looking for shoelaces that do not untie by itself. About 99% of my shoes' laces untie itself. I tend to bend down from the waist to re-tie it. Puts pressure on my stomache and when I stand back up - vertigo. So, I was hunting for very good shoe laces. Couldn't find any. I remembered my sister having an elastic shoelace. I should have checked the Sports store but I didn't think of it. I bought several from Amazon. I put one set on my shoes that I will be using while traveling. The elastic shoelaces are like rope laces, not flat like regular ones. So, when I put it on my shoes, it's not as comfortable as the flat laces. But, I tested it. I pulled out the tab, took off my shoes, pretended I was going thru TSA, then quickly bending down to slip my feet in. Very quick! I don't remain bending over, tightening the laces, then tying it, It'll do. But, I'm bringing the original flat shoe laces and putting it in the carry-on bag. Just in case I cannot handle the rope laces, I can switch it back.
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Did I tell you all that I googled the aircraft from Tokyo to Chicago (13 hr flight)? It's an old plane. Very small seats. Almost no foot space under the seat in front of you. I texted bro's girlfriend to reconfirm what I saw in Google. She said that there's no space on the floor in front of you. Carry-on bags must go on the overhead bin. Oh my... I'm under 5 feet tall. I cannot reach the overhead bin. One time, the stewardess just stood there and watched me tiptoe to open each and every bin, jump to push it back up, because all the bins were full. When I finally found one that was empty,I had to step on the seat to be able to put my bag inside. I was holding up the line....I was so embarrassed that the stewardess did not step in to help or that the guy behind me didn't help me. I hate traveling on the plane.
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Geez Book, I'm 5' 2" myself. I can't believe no one stepped in to help you. Sometimes people just stink. Maybe you can just ask for help. That's what I do in the grocery store when people watch me struggling to reach something on the top shelf. I think some people are afraid of embarrassing me or themselves by offering to help. It doesn't cost any extra to at least ask. :) People can be remarkably helpful if they know they're needed.
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I might be tempted book to look the stewardis in the eye (well in your case the middle button of her jacket) amd say in your sweetest voice "What's the matter honey afraid you migh chip your nail polish?' As far as shoes are concerned why not stop worrying about laces and wear a pair of slip ons. Benefit of being old. One does not have to remove shoes to go through security!
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I'm 5'4" and I always ask a tall guy to stow my bag. Don't give it a second thought , Book!
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