This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
started to get a bit anxious - the whole going home routine so I distracted him by taking to the courtyard to look at plants then off to his room where we had again the conversation about his room, his clothes, where is the car, his wallet etc. How far away do I live ( I fudge that a bit) Ending ok though-whew as no calls.
Sis today called and asked if I was going to have Dad over for a cookout this holiday weekend! Or why fo you not have him help with yardwork.
I told her I am going to botanical garden Wednesday and lunch after.
Jude, a MAN?! Not for me, thank you very much. Just another person to take care of. Move to facility for mom and L the end of next week. It is time for me to regroup, get a life back if there is one to have, then figure out my next steps.
Luckylu – I hope you heal fast. Your words reminded me of the time I was caring for both bedridden parents, a full time and changing their pampers all by myself (oldest sis was just a babysitter – who babysits and doesn’t do pampers.) I remember I couldn’t wait for Sundays, when I would turn on the radio just so that I can hear 2 songs. One was a Catholic religious song (Oops! I shouldn’t admit this) sung by female choirs ‘Ave Maria.” It was so beautiful and peaceful. I can feel myself destress as I listen to it. (Unfortunately, the newer version is sung by the male choir – and not as hearttouching as the female choirs. Not at all.) … Your words “Get Through This Day” – reminded me also of that second song that they only play on Sundays – “One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus.” I would hear that song, and sing along very off-keyed (dad says I sound awful.)
Daughter52, what you’re feeling is normal. Well, normal in that I’ve felt like that. When mom finally passed away, I was relieved …because dad was getting more and more demanding that he comes first before mom. It was too much stress because when he gets angry, he sometimes hit or throws things. My question to you, which I know your mom will refuse, but can you hire someone to be with your mom on Saturday mornings? Try to use your mom’s money. If not, can you spare any? Maybe you can step back a bit and let your mom do things on her own. You can prepare the food and she can just warm it up when ready. Then you can spend the mornings in the garden away from her. Perhaps install baby monitors in the 2 rooms she’s mostly at. And if it can reach outside in the garden.
Samantha, I fell into the same trap like you. When I decided to stay home and help dad, I didn’t think mom would have lasted this long. I was around age 25 (?). Mom finally passed away about 2 years ago… That makes me helping dad for about 22-23 years! I swear, the past 13 years, I thought mom was really going to die this time. And then she pulls out of death’s door. 13 years of so much false alarms. If I had known this is what I would be doing, I would not have gone seeking God and getting to know Him. But, then I won’t be the person I am today. Darn if you and darn if you don’t. Catch 22….
After this last typhoon, I'm so fed up with this house's status quo. Almost all the window screens have holes or falling off. I'm tired of every storm, that I get wet while washing dishes in the sink. Or getting wet or sitting on an icy cold dirty wet toilet seat because there's no window pane in the bathroom. And after every storm, I check the 3 gas tanks outside the kitchen. All these stuff - I've asked brother for help. He says it's impossible or just ignores me.
In desperation, i asked bro's girlfriend if she knows a reliable handyman who can fix our windows (or board it up!), put on the screen door that I bought last year (bro only put one up but not the 2nd one). She doesn't know but will ask around for recommendation.
Be glad people care and are looking out for you. others are not so fortunate.
I think it is your 51st state! - the breaking down of bonds between the individual and the community - oh well we all know that one! The subsequent isolation can lead to a whole range of issues including suicide but it has been suggested that it can lead to murder too - but before any of you contemplatye that one it is not held to be a defence!
As for rates of suicidal thoughts and attempts of suicide Australi compared US and Aussie stats with some alarming figures but only of a very small sample: They asked a sample of 120 Australian and US carers and found that they were contemplating suicide at more than eight times the rate of the general population.
So LuckyLu that is WHY they thought you might be struggling hun and lets face it if you were and they did nothing they are guilty of negligence - better to be safe than sued!
The hospice will recognise that you are under tremendous strain right now and are really only showing their concern and trying to establish if there is something they can do to help you through the day to day fears you are experiencing.
Feeling suicidal isnt being mental in the conventional sense that most people see it as - its often just a symptom of mental unwellness as opposed to mental illness which is something entirely different.
When all feels lost and there doesnt appear to be any light at the end of tunnel I suppose depression anxiety and suicidal thoughts will come to mind for some people possibly the latter as the only way they can leave their commitments (often ones that were not of their choosing) behind and even more so if there is no support for them.
Crowded – find a paid caregiver to stay with FIL so that you and hubby can do things with your little one. Check you local law, install hidden cameras only in public rooms (no bathroom or bedroom) that you can check online – if not for the caregiver but also to see how FIL is behaving. Once you find a reliable caring person, make sure FIL understands that this is non-negotiable. You all need some immediate family outing. Best to start now so that he gets used to it as he progresses.
The oedema will be making her feel like poo, but don't panic - as soon as the diuretic kicks in it should improve dramatically.
Now is the time to notify relatives about how ill she is so those who want to visit can do so if she actually wants to see the the visitors. Limit the time spent with her because she will be very exhausted. She is days from being bedbound so be prepared to have all the help needed in place. if she is heavy you need 2 people to turn her etc. Do not resist the hospice nurses if they suggest using morphine and Ativan (Lorazepam) or similar anti anxiety. You are not hurrying her death but helping her pass more comfortably. Any or all of her health problems cause extreme anxiety and it is just compassionate care to use the medications available. The morphine will ease the feelings of not being able to breath. It is merely used for comfort. The build up of fluid in the lungs is very distressing to watch but the patient quickly slips into unconsciousness at this stage. There is a medication called Levsin which is usually used for bladder spasms but has the side effect of drying up terminal secretions. It is a tiny pill and can be just slipped under the tongue.
MIL's kidneys have failed, her heart is too weak to continue to effectively pump blood round her body which will lead to mental confusion among other things. The kidney failure will cause itchy flaking skin plus nausia and possibly vomiting.
This may sound very cold and hard which it is not meant to be but I felt you were asking for MIL's expectations.
Talk frankly with her hospice providers and ask how to proceed from here. With their experience they will be better able to assess her condition and answer your questions. I can only send you good thoughts for strength to help MIL.