This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Took him grocery shopping he likes to push the cart. His eyes lit up when he saw sweet corn. Mom would always get some when she saw in the store. I know his AL doesn't serve so that's is an idea for a meal when he comes here.
A pretty good visit. The lorazepam has helped already with his anxiety. whew one less thing to worry about.
The orthodontist told me today that my 'failed' root canal needed immediate treatment. As I had been in pain for days - I believed him. But as the words came sliding from his mouth; I hesitated - stammered, "Now?" In the back of my mind I was thinking .... is there someone I can contact to fix her next meal? Change her pads? How long will this take? Will I need a ride home? Can someone stay with her?"
He was agitated with my hesitation and what appeared to him as confusion as a million things crossed my mind - then he said sternly - "Yes. Now. If this blows up on you - I'm not the one you'll need to call next. "
Then it hit me. My mother is dead. I don't need to rush back to make lunch, change a pad, check her fluids. I laid back and felt the needles, drills, etc., and as the tears ran down my cheeks, he thought I was upset about the procedure.
But what I was really thinking about was that it was 4 weeks, to the day, that I watch my mother take her last breath.
I met my loved one at the doctor's office today. Thank goodness he put her back on Cymbalta. She was so content and happy when on it. Taking her off was a huge mistake. Now to wait for it to take effect.
I'm wondering how things are going to be when she's gone. Her checkup was good, except she has lost 10 pounds in 2 months. The doctor says she's doing well, but I know she doesn't look right. She's eating, but still losing.
I know what you mean. She eats fine, yet she is still losing. She doesn't have much to say anymore, though she was THRILLED when I walked in to see her today. She normally doesn't watch tv, but today a preview for the Glen Campbell movie was on and she was all excited about it. Isn't that ironic? Glen Campbell is in a Memory Care facility with AD. She doesn't understand that though.
Like this photo of the stork, swan? It's very close to the Cheesecake Factory. FYI, when bro finally persuaded me to go eat there, I truly thought they only sold cheesecakes. I always wondered why they are so busy. We sat down, I opened the menu, and exclaimed, "They sell real food!" Expensive, too. I chose an appetizer (Mexican egg roll). After eating, I ordered blueberry cheesecake (bro love blueberry). I Rarely eat desserts. But since I'm there, I might as well order one.
Sorry, too tired to read and comment. I ended up sleeping at 3:30am because I couldn't find my purse which had All my keys (work, home). Then woke up at 6am. I was driving home at 6:30pm, swerving (the sound of markers woke me up. I was terrified driving home because I kept falling asleep and then jerking awake. It
s 8pm, and I'm so sleepy. Reading here blurs.
It's that constant feeling of having to be available, having to be ready to make crucial decisions and never knowing when she will be gone. It's such an awesome responsibility, but demanding as well. People have no idea what they asking from someone when they name them as their DPOA and HCPOA. It does take a part of your life away.
Sometimes, I wonder if this was my purpose in life.
I finally had a breakthrough with my mom. Been visiting her every other day for almost five years. My son starts college this fall and I need to get back to work to afford it. She would have nothing to do with it and blamed me for her being in assisted living. Oh, did we have it out! It's certainly not my fault her knee broke three times, or that my dad died of brain cancer or blah, blah, blah. Not once did she blame my brother who helped clean out the house and stayed behind to sell it. It was all MY fault for all of her problems in the world.
That corked me off. After all I have done for all these years. I will see her two times a week. No more every other day. She burned her bridges with me big time.
Sometimes one just has to step away. I am 55 and need my own life back.
Wndy..my brain went blank. Sorry, too tired to think. Hopefully tomorrow won't be so bad.
Dad has started this journey about 2 years ago. I try hard to not get mad at him but... I'm just so tired of this caregiving, especially to Him... Very dysfunctional childhood which includes various abuses. I'm no longer a child who must take the abuses in silence. I find myself rebelling, resisting and losing my temper.
Mix the two and you have serious problems to deal with on a daily basis. I repeatedly say on here that you dont have to be a care-giver to care and being someone who cares doesn't make you a care-giver. Moreover just because you are a care-giver TODAY doesn't mean you have to be forever.
I think we are all encouraged to believe something else because it suits the state, the doctors, the service providers, the family, the neighbours, the grey 'they' who spout utter twaddle for the most part.
Lynne please don't beat yourself up. That you couldn't handle or manage the dementia in your mum is just what dementia is all about - it fluctuates and exaggerates all their traits good and bad. It never seems to be the same from hour to hour let alone day to day and when you are right IN there you can't be expected to stay calm all the time.
I think when someone is 'in your face' or consistently asking you the same question over and over and over you do have to walk away and take time to calm down or you would go insane.
You tried your best hun .. be content that you did try - many don't try and don't care either. All of us on here try our best...is it good enough? That's not for us to judge but we share one thing WE STEPPED UP TO THE MARK....while others often did not