This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
For anyone who dares to moan about the care their stressed out sibling does (oh did I forget to mention you have to be on here to bring charges!)or indeed the care provision of any care-giver who is doing it right there will be punishment
Sentencing will be to work single handed for a period of not less than 1 year with no respite but under constant supervision and with no pay, with people who have no-one to care for them. Failure to meet the required standard at all times will result in an additional 6 months until you get it right......Then let them complain we don't do enough or don't deserve to be paid......
First on my list are the social workers, for they see fit to criticise but rarely offer useful help
Then siblings who manage to visit or phone once in a blue moon
Policy makers - they have to do double the time as do the financiers who don't give a toss except for the bottom line
Politicians ......once I let them back from serving overseas - it's very easy to send our troops abroad let them have a go first I say. And now you know what familial care-givers go through give us some recognition that has meaning and don't make everything such a bloody chore
Then and really high on my list are the doctors who ignore your need for respite and just script out anti-depressants
I would bring in sever penalties for abusers - they can go into service for 5 years to the house of the children of the person they abused....see how they like that one and they have to on call 24/7 and trust me I would make sure they didn't sleep through one single night
Oh I am going to find mesen a job!!!!!! FOR LIFE
My mom is just in the beginning stage of dementia, I'm guessing. She will not go to a doctor unless it's for extreme constipation. My mom is a very controlling narcissist and has been for most of my life. She controlled my dad for years and me for at least the last five since dad became ill. Actually I've had a breakthrough that she has been doing this to me for years. It just wasn't so apparent as my father protected me from fully finding out her ways. He shielded me from a lot of it and made excuses about what she required of him, like not allowing him to leave the house for more than a half hour at a time. All because her knee broke and she saw herself as an invalid at 67. She could still walk but gave up on therapy because it was too scary and hard. She gave up on life at 67 and here nearly 11 years later, I'm her scapegoat and personal servant even though she's in AL.
The past nearly five years have been increasingly bad. I feel so free now telling her I will not visit every other day anymore. It has been four hours with travel in the middle of my day for all that time. Everything she needs or has needed has always been there. She demands homemade meals from me as the dining room isn't good enough. She won't even let the caregivers wash her eyeglasses as they won't do a good enough job!
Well, it's tough love now. She'll have to quit relying on me so much and trust other people, even though she insists everyone is bad and untrustworthy. She's always been that way. I see it now.
I may not have the 24 years she's had beyond my age. I'm 55 and I'm fed up with being treated like a child and a servant. I honestly will be surprised if I feel guilty when she dies. I know I've knocked myself out for years for her going above and beyond duty, more than a child is expected to do for their parent.
My duty now is to my child helping to put him through college. He is the future.
I owe that to him and my husband after me not being so very present all this time.
Now he did put that in writing so I imagine it could be similar for you too.
Hi Windy! Do what you feel comfortable when it comes to visiting her.
I got here at Great-aunt Y's this morning, as usual, and decided to give her raisin bran instead of oatmeal to give her a little variety, since she has oatmeal most of the time.
Well, it was obvious she wasn't in a very good mood, and she said, "Are we having oatmeal?" She hardly ever even asks what she's going to have, so the question took me off guard (of course she would ask on the day I decide NOT to make oatmeal) and I said no, we're having raisin bran. "Well I can't eat that stuff! It's not a part of my diet. I want oatmeal!" As if she gives tuppence about her diet; she never has from the day I first came here.
I told her that the cereal was already prepared and it would be no good and get soggy if I put it in the fridge like she suggested; but I promised her she could have oatmeal tomorrow. Well, that didn't exactly go over well with her, but I put it in front of her and figured that was the end of it.
NOPE.
Some time later she comes into the room I'm in and tells me that I can call for a ride home because I'm fired. I told her no, I'm not doing that (she isn't my employer, but also I can't leave her by herself). And then, OH MAN, I have never, ever seen her blow up like this before.
I can't really remember all the details, but it was ugly. Unfortunately her 14 yr. old granddaughter got into the middle of it, trying to make Y settle down; 'Kay' is a sweet girl, but prone to mild panic attacks. I really, really wish she hadn't been there when it happened. Y blew up at Kay, told me that I was turning Kay against her, and told Kay to go into her room and shut up. Kay was in tears, Y was in tears. Y called me a lot of nasty names and told me to get out of her face, she doesn't want me to be around her, yadda yadda. I tried to stay calm (I did, for the most part, mostly to help steady Kay) but I told Y to go into her room if she didn't want to see me. She started talking about how I want to see her in her coffin, how I'm just so nasty and mean, how her coffee was as weak as water (not true) and her toast was cold (only because she didn't eat it right away) and whenever I tried to explain it to her she called me a liar and told me I was full of BS and other nice things.
Kay called her dad asking him to come home, and he did. I'm not sure what's going to happen right now. I think he's making calls. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job by her going into a nursing home, and I really can't afford to lose it. Sigh.
It was just ridiculous how mad she got. When I tried to calm her down, she threatened to slap me in the face. Ugh. I'm just ... sort of frazzled right now.
I can't believe it all started because of a stupid bowl of cereal. I mean, I do feel kind of bad; maybe I should have wasted the raisin bran. But I had no idea it was going to blow up like that. Usually, for all her grumpiness, she'll eat what I put in front of her. Actually that's the first time she *hasn't* done so. I try to give her food to eat that she likes, and she's had raisin bran before and never complained ('that's because I have no choice in the matter!' she yells at me, regardless of the fact that she has indeed told me on occasion that she doesn't like a certain food, and then I don't give it to her after that).
And all this before noon. Whew.
So she didnt sit up and then it was all over the bed - changing sheet time.
Then she used the commode and wanted it emptied immediately which was fine - by the time I came down she had used the commode again (we have two pots in case you wondered) by the time I came down from that she'd been again. And so the day continued.
She threw her coffee down so hard that it spilled over a carpet I steam cleaned at the weekend
She pushed sandwich (which of all the things it could have been was salmon) down the side of her chair
She is as wobbly as hell on her legs and nearly fell twice - luckily I was there to support her
Then we went over to my thrid week of training where she gets care for 2 hours - nice as pie - the cow!
Came home wanted an ice lolly - the chair now not only smells of salmon but is covered in orange ice lolly because she didnt want any more and couldnt be bothered to put it on the table (which is designed to take spills for heavens sake)
Then a row with my son - now if only I had the balls I would just empty mums tablets and take the bloody lot.
I
HAVE
HAD
ENOUGH
As an update, it looks like Y's son is looking at nursing homes right now. I know it's probably for the best, but I hate to lose my job, too. I know one thing, I don't ever intend to take a job like this again. I'd rather work with five year old quadruplets than with a crazy old lady who thinks I want her dead just because I won't give her oatmeal one morning.
She is now obsessively writing down all the calorie counts for all the food she's eaten today because she thinks I'm messing up her diet (no matter that five or so times a day she'll ask me for a sandwich or chips or something else she's not supposed to have too much of, and throws a fit if she can't have it, or if heaven forbid I offer her fruit or yogurt).
She's now completely ignoring me, sitting in her room doing who knows what. I don't really care, I don't want to talk to her either.
Leah have you written your log down for today because if I were you I would hun.. I would also speak to the son because HER behaviour is something HE needs to know about because its not the norm I imagine even if she is not the easiest person to get on with. get that log written gal and try to remember everything even the times when you were assertive
Watch your back. Never walk in front of her. No matter what you say or do, she will find something wrong. Always remain alert. And never leave yourself in a corner. Make it automatic to be vigilant on where she is, where you are, etc...
A word of warning, don't rely completely on her facial expressions. When my mom went through the violent stage (dad refused to give her the meds), she chose sister-in-law as her target for months. Then as she worsened, it turned to us. Such hatred and anger. She would walk towards us with a calm face. But when I looked at her hands, she had it very tight fisted. I turned and ran. She removed her calm facial mask and revealed her anger and hatred. She chased.
When my mom died after 2 years of progressing dementia, I said I would not go through this with my dad (the difficult narcissistic person). But now I am here and realize that I am it. This time I set up very stringent boundaries. I will help him with things that AL can't do, and I make sure that AL is doing the right things (medicine, baths, shaving, etc.). I didn't have any type of life for 6 years but now realize that I would do things that other people could do for them. If you are in the situation where you feel totally alone, look in your community for agencies or support groups that can help you. In most communities there are agencies that can provide some support. Please look for them. It was a big mistake to think that I could do everything on my own.
I'm not really afraid of great-aunt Y; she's 80 years old, and too unsteady on her feet to do much damage. If she tried to hit me, I'd probably end up keeping her from falling over.
I did tell her son everything I could remember about what she'd said and done yesterday. I think that whoever is around her at the time is her target, really. She just likes to pick fights when she feels like it (and she'll take advantage of her granddaughter, asking her for things she'd never ask us because she knows we would say no), and apparently years ago she was actually in a physical fight (maybe more than one?) with her own daughter, who was very much like Y in personality.
I do sometimes worry about sharp objects, not for personal safety but because I'm afraid she'll hurt herself. She once cut her finger pretty badly with some sharp scissors.
But I'm happy to say that today, it looks like she's completely forgotten everything that happened yesterday and is back to her normal self. I actually thought she wouldn't be, because although yesterday she calmed down after a while it was obvious she was still mad at me. But hopefully today will be a calm day. Fingers crossed! (Also I fixed oatmeal for her, lol; no more raisin bran ever again for her!)