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Just call me Sherlock my dear Watson!
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Way to bribe the staff, Jude! At least they got a 'clean snack'.
Did they wash their hands this time? So glad to hear that you are having 'parties' there at the hospital, meeting Mom's needs. Hope you are having some fun too.
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Stacey the clothes they have for men are amazing - they look like two pieces of a leisure suit but are an all in one - they have lots of stuff for women too - I was really impressed and saddened that we don't have one over here
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Oooh Ooh they do do them for women but they call them jumpsuits
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Sick. Caregiver burnout. Bipolar disorder. I am weak and sick. How r u
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Dreyfuss, happy you are here.... Sounds like things are not going so well for you.. pretty much all of us know about caregiver burnout....and sorry to hear of other difficulties in your life... come back and tell us more about yourself and your situation.. many loving and supportive people on here..... you will end up with great friends..... hope things get better.... hugs
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Hi my dear friends, Friday with dad was stressful and very unpleasant due to a showdown with him demanding that I return his car keys. He spoke in a nasty way when I explained the Dr forbid, lawyer agreed, he is 90 has Parkinsons and is on a feeding tube. Mother has AD and had accidents. I was crying and my feelings were very hurt. He even threatened to call his lawyer and have my name taken off some papers that were recently drawn up. I pleaded with him to tell me what he planned to do with the keys and he was secretive. I felt like I got bullied into handing him a loaded gun, so I stayed and supervised what he did. He called a tow company to take the car to the closest dealership. I followed the tow truck, got the paperwork to take back to dad, and the car is now sold! It took me a day to rest from this upset. I am sensitive and hate confrontation. Also my frail mother with Alzheimers was backing him up and told me I don't know how to handle men. Ha! Our CNA probably didn't give him his Clonopin Friday and I got the brunt of it. Today was lovely. Spent the day with him reading newspapers and watching Dodger baseball. No mention of the car. The weekend CNA gave him a benadryl for his runny nose and he was mellow, perhaps mellow from that. This road we are on is never smooth. I hope my week is calm and yours too.
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Dreyfuss, heard you loud and clear! We are here for you. See us also on THE WHINE THREAD; and THE CAREGIVER AND DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES thread.
Then, if you're not feeling better, come on over to: These are a few of my favorite things, thread. Keep posting, until you feel better.
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When I get really depressed, I shop - even though I shouldn't. Because by charging over $100.00 on my credit card, I get even more depressed because I sunk in more in debt. So, I decided to go to Ebay and spend frivolously. Since when did they change the site? It no longer shows the cost of the item. I have to tap on each one to find the price. (Yes, I even adjusted it to "lowest price plus shipping) and it still wouldn't show the price. I have no patience. So, after I change dad's pamper, shower, I will go shop on Amazon.

Last night and this morning my depression was so bad. My thoughts were turning to death, which seems so - wonderful. I even went crazy lastnight looking for that prescription I have for depression. Remember, my doctor got me a lower dosage and different drug? But the part of me that doesn't want to live won out. I didn't take the med. I'm so torn inside, mentally. I want to die, I don't want to die. Ladee was the one who noticed a pattern of my really bad depression that I get yearly. It's around this time? It's so tiring this mental fight in my head.
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book,

Retail therapy often leads to depression. You don't sound like you are in a good place. I don't remember you being quite this low in a long while. Please call 911 and get yourself some help!

Love, prayers and hugs!
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I think I need to have my memory tested for Alzheimer. Last year, while driving, I suddenly realized that while driving and looking forward, my head was turning left, right,left, right - back and forth. I had to consciously stop my head. It happened again, at another time - while driving. Eyes forward but my head was turning left and right repeatedly.

Today, I had a client in front of me. As I was putting her flight reservations together, I finally did it - 3 hours later. Towards the end, she asked me what's wrong. When I gave her a puzzled look, she said that I kept shaking my head as if something's wrong. OMG! Not once did I realized my head was was turning left and right! Parkinson's??
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Book, this must be frightening, though I would think you are too young to have these neurological problems. Have you ever seen a neurologist? Sounds as if you had better do that. Has anybody else asked you about this?

I imagine stress can cause this sort of thing as well. You know how we all feel about the caregiving you have done for your folks for many years at the cost of fulfilling your own needs. You have been a wonderful, caring and giving daughter to your folks for many years. Caregiving is very stressful and we each need to care for ourselves first. I am not going to tell you what I think you should do, you already know what that is. So Book ask others if they have noticed you doing this. Get to your doctor for a referral to a neurologist. Do not panic before you have consulted a doc. Sending you hugs, my friend.
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Hi book. I do retail therapy also. I sometimes fill my cart and then put most of it back lol. I am a stickler for keeping our parents home but in your case i would recommend a nursing home. Working fulltime at work and at home is insane. Please try and think of life after caregiving, thats what i do. What will it be like having freedom? Hard to imagine now but it will happen. You have a heart of gold, you will get your time so plz get help in venting to us or a doctor. I am sure getting to a doctor is impossible too with your schedule. Know you're a great person and your life, and mine, cant go on caregiving forever. There is life after this. XOXO
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How am I doing? I can honestly say, I do not know. Been caring for mom full time for over a year. Retired early, gave up my apartment and moved in because she was a candidate for the nursing home. Could not live alone after her last stroke. I am single and my two kids are grown with their own familes. Brother lives in state many miles away and has no desire to help. Im in this alone. Moms sundowners is progressing. Last night was about the worse ive seen. I just wish she could sleep a full 6 hours. Ive tried everything the experts as told me to do. Like others, she see people in her room. She is obsessed with her top sheet. She will spend hours trying to fold down the part around her neck. She wears depends and almost everynight she will take them off and process to wet herself. She has osteoporosis, to where she is so bent over I have to get down and listen to what she tries to say. Some days I tolerate all of this and other days I think I will go out of my mind. I can still leave her in morning to do errands. Get her and dressed and in front of the tv or just listen to music and sge will do fine. As the evening come she turns into another person. If I do take her out sge has to be in her transport chair and she wears out easy. Life as a 24/7 caretaker is a loney one. Not being able to have a complete conversation is very hard. I remind myself im doing the right thing, this is ehat children are for, taking care of my parents. I eas really close to my dad. My dad passed away really quick 5 years ago. He was doing ok, for being 91, the day before he died. Still working atoubd the house, still driving, but heart said, no more! Its been really hard without him. He was my rock. Mom and I were never close like my dad and I. So back to the question on how I am? Im tired! Thanks for listening!
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Oaktree I am in almost the exact same position as you and I think we are a similar age too. Mums illness is progressing in a different fashion though so in that regard very different. Do remember you don't have to do this any longer if it is getting too much for you. It is a wise caregiver who says I can't do this any more and it is OK to say so hun....so do think about the alternatives although I suspect that by giving up your job and home you have put yourself into a difficult position too.

BTW This is NOT what children are for sweetheart. I want my children to live a useful happy and healthy life - I do not want them to be looking after me at a time when they should be enjoying their lives ... just a thought
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Book, it's not so much that you want to die, as much as you want absolute relief..... I understand, I really do.... when my client before this one passed away.... it broke my heart.... I loved her soo very much.... and then I hit a bottom like you are in right now.... I didn't CARE about anything..... I had already planned on taking a month off and it turned into three, because I was so depressed I had thoughts just like you are having now....maybe the difference is I let it play itself out... because I know it changes.... your situation is different, and I understand that also..... Like we discovered, you go thru this about this time every year..... you know I love you very much, and I DO understand.... that does not change your situation or your feelings, because like you, I didn't care who loved me or what was going on.... it was one of the worst depressions I have had in about 10 years..... I am chronically depressed, and sure you are too, most of the time we can just go on about our business and cope.... but sometimes, it is just a dark, dark place to be..it will pass, it always does, it may not get better, but it gets 'different', you came here depressed.... I believe to some degree everyone here is depressed.... Just feel you are more honest about how far you wish you could take it.....
I wish there was a med you could take that would just help for this time in space... I know how you are about meds, and I know there are many things you can not take.... I am sending you gentle hugs.... and I am waiting WITH you.... you know I am there with you ...... give it some time, continue to share.... you know what to do.... the fact that your brain is going back and forth... means that you really don't want to DIE, you just want a different life and some relief from the one you are having to live....
You don't have Parkinson's.... our body can only handle so much and not having an outlet, our body does strange things..... my eyes jump, drives me insane..... other physical things.... so if nothing esle you get from this post, please hear that I love you..... and you are not alone.... and I DO understand..... gentle hugs to you sweetie...
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BOOK, see your doctor or a neurologist, or even go to the E.R.
T.I.A.'s are transient ischemic attacks (like a mimi-stroke), and while your symptoms could be anything, they point to something neurological. When I was having episodes, the symptoms were very strange, always a little different.
Of course, have your doctor check for side effects of your medications, especially if you have stopped taking one, or missed, or abruptly stopped Klonopin/clonazepam. OK? Can you check back in here?
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What is the purpose of the new Facebook Twitter, Pintarest and LinkedIn buttons? I don't want my posts on these forums for the world to see!
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This is so embarrassing. As you know, I'm trying to find the right detox for me. I now know to avoid apple cider vinegar - which is in Most detox. There's one that involves cucumber. So, I went to the larger grocery store (further from where I live - in another village. Our grocery store in my village had no cucumber or cinnamon stick. I went through the produce sections like 4 times. I recall how a cucumber looks when mom used to cook. Heck, I even had to peel it. So, I keep walking around and around, staring at this or that green oblong veggie. Is that a cucumber? Looks too fat to be one. Oh, zucchini. Maybe that's a cucumber. Stared at it hard. No, it's some kind of bean? That fruit next to it is egg plant. Look at the sign - oh, okra. I've learned something today. I know how ochra and zucchini looks cooked in my food. I sure don't know how these food look raw, uncut. All this time, I thought cauliflowers came like that. Today, I saw it in a large 'bunch' like a bouquet. 11pm and I'm so exhausted. I'm going to see if I can sleep early today.
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Book, can you say a little more about the pattern to your depression that you have noticed? How does it work? What are the events or seasons or other triggers that lead up to it?

You're so stressed, honey bun; it's no surprise you're feeling all kinds of effects. But deep breaths and don't panic. You are not getting dementia, you have not got Parkinson's and you are not losing your mind: that's not you or us, it's the people we're looking after. Repeat after me: "the ***patient*** is the one with the disease." You just have too much for any standard human being to cope with. Hugs to you, you know we all care for you.
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This is the beginning of the bad one. It's going to last for several months. I only remember the months of progressions from being on this site. I recall falling apart and crying based on posters comments to and of me. I usually am able to shrug it off. Sept to November is when I struggle the hardest. I cannot handle any pressures from everyone. I just want to be left alone, sleep whenever I want. Nothing will interest me. Not TV, not books, not food, not shopping. All this time, I'll be constantly fighting within. I don't want to deal with people. I just want to withdraw from the world and be left alone.

I don't know of any patterns or triggers. Before I found this site, I always had these death wishes in the back of my head. I recall the severe sadness(and terror) as a little child hiding under the dining table. Hiding with my younger sibs from mom. I remember, being so little, praying to God why he made me be born. I don't know what the pattern and trigger is. It's just IS since I was small.

I just figured out that I'm very active on this sit in the beginning of the year and then really slow down around Sept to Nov. It was Ladee who solidified my observation. I usually notice the individual things, not the overall picture.

Every year, for years, I will struggle to NOT quit my job. It's happening now. I fantasize on ways to tell my boss. But I can't. I won't find a job as flexible as this (for last minute emergency with dad). I have to go now...
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Book, get ye to the Dr.. ASAP. Maybe some ativan or something close will help. I used to get this way every few years.. wanted to be left alone, quit my job.. I know a little of how you feel. I would make a "life change" if I could.. go back to school a bit, look for another job I might like. Anything to shake myself up. It is hard when others are depending on us...
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Book you are such a special person to all of us and we look forward to your posts. You are awesome and I pray you somehow realize this. I am praying for your peace and understanding. I pray for the Lord to put the joy back into your heart. Please take care of yourself and keep us posted on your sucess,
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Hey Book, I am thinking of you dear...please take care of yourself and know we all love you and support you. To *&^% with the folks that say ugly or not nice things...they don't know what they are talking about anyway! Take care and be proud of yourself! You are a survivor!
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Onedoor, just to clarify, those hurtful, ugly comments were made a few years ago.... it got ugly.... and Book did take a break.... but she knows we love her.... she is sharing.... it will be hit and miss for awhile, but she will check in..... I am so happy everyone on here now is so loving and supportive..... makes me feel good to be back among really loving folks.... Love ya Book.....Am not speaking FOR you, just clarifying......
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Dear Book, love you and thinking about you. Yes, get to the doctor this week.
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BOOK!!! OMG, if that is not PTSD attacking you annually, I'd be amazed. Fighting that battle every year for a couple of months just sucks - but it also shows how much inner strength you really have. Please just stop and think a minute about HOW MANY people's lives are better because you are in them, and how this poor old world would be a little less well-lit if you were not in it. Ok, more than a minute, DWELL on it. You are the second hurting soul I have had contact with JUST TODAY whose mom managed to make them feel so unworthy of being alive, and it is so hard to realize how profoundly wrong those moms can be...I don't think mine realized that all her criticism and mean looks and swats and slaps were doing, she was too busy trying to make me perfect so she could be the perfect mom, while all the while she was draining me of any confidence and making me so self-conscious it HURT, and led to me being even more of an embarrassment...all water under the bridge now. Gotta live and love and keep on keepin on..
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Yes Book, you are always there for me too. I highly admire you taking care of both of your parents in your home! I know you lost your Mom but you took such great care of her and you still have a dad at home. Not sure if it will help but they sell broad spectrum lights to help with this and I just heard again the other day how wonderful they are. You just sit in front of it for 30 mins a day. Try googling them on amazon or a pharmacy. My run-to medicine is klonopin and knowing its in my pocketbook is great. I get like 30 a year and never go thru them all but use them for dental work, or high anxiety times. I take a half and can still drive fine , its a lifesaver for me because I get anxiety driving when I get stuck in traffic! Hugs Hugs Hugs. hang in there, there is life after caregiving, so I hear lmao !
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Jam...It is never easy, Sometimes, I was so tired I did not know if I could make my legs work. It is the final gift we are giving to our loved ones. In his last week, I was exhausted. I fell asleep sitting up. I had the couch up against his Hosp bed and would hold his hand, Sometimes I would crawl into his bed and I would be asleep almost immediately. I had to push cushions on the bars so I did not hurt while lying along side him. He held me SO tight the last night. When he passed, the days that have followed I feel my body ache. Not from missing him but from putting it through so many contortions to always be awake to care for him. One night he got out of bed and fell and pulled his catheter out. Oh my that must have hurt him badly. But, when it was over, I realized the value that a caregiver is to a dying person. We are their comfort, and we help them through the fears of dying. We talk to them and tell them how wonderful they have been and how they contributed to our lives and the lives of others. This is a gift that you give, but in reality it is a gift to ourselves. We will never forget the absolute love we have shown. Hang in there.
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What a bunch of crap this is...... NO privacy in my one SAFE place???? Went back and edited a few things.... changed the m and added a 1, since I have taken care of so many people, and some of them are on FB, I will not work again if some of this goes public, especially a few years back.... this just sucks...
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