This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I finally got tired of Marie always giving me a negative answer everytime I wanted to help her with something.. HH aide will not be there next Thurs. to bathe them, told I would do it, No, I'll get Linda (her daughter) to come do it... made me so damned mad... does she not trust me or just doesn't like me??? I did a real mature and professional thing and said "WHATEVER !!!!!" , stomped out and slammed the damned door.... I did not hire on to be the housekeeper and cook... I know ya'll think I am crazy, but I get so damned bored.... I know many of you would let me trade places with you in a heartbeat... ya'll could dust and I could clean poop from daylight till dark...... never happy, I am just never happy... lol..... but I do get so bored, am going to have to "rethink" this or I will not be able to put up with her as I am her house slave.... told the HH aide to be on the look out for anyone needing help... I would rather be dead tired from working my self half to death than being bored.... and Marie expects me to be up and moving the whole time I am there....I put up with too much crap from BG to do this again....Ya'll that were around then know cause I bitched ever day about something about BG and her mouth... but I do not have the same attachment to Sonny that I did to Ruth.....
But I go in the next day, she is as sweet as a sugar cookie, wished me a happy bday, which I had forgotten what day it was, AND gave me an extra $20 on my check as a gift.... ask me if I am confused... maybe letting her know I am getting frustrated worked, if not I will set her down and talk to her.... I can pack up my stuff and go live in Jam's lake house, don't need this aggrivation.....And Seeme told me I could have the room upstairs if I come there... so it's not like I don't have options here.... Lord I am tired of trying to stay professional, at least ya'll get to say what's on your mind with your charges..... I have to smile and say "yes ma'm", yeah I get paid, so what. Ok enough of that, need an attitude of gratitude.....Having problems with Firefox today, my email notifications are coming is so small I can't read them... others are having the same problem....... why can't I just click my ruby slippers and be somewhere else for a little while...... love ya'llllllllll
Anyway it was besides that problem and a few minor upsets everything went okay.....
jam u would definitely NOT survive here though frost in July is pretty unusual. they say it has snowed in every month of the year though does not usually do so - now it is a lovely 79! sorry u r sore all over - let's hope for no more poopfests for a while
ladee - musical neighbours eh??? hmm what can we do about that - there must be something u can do with hangers that would produce noise -ya know sometimes it is time to pull the plug but only u know when
john - stealth mode sounds good - let us know how empty the house feels - personally I love it but did suffer some pangs when the last one left - however they all returned again at one point or another and then I was really glad to see them go
seeme - glad u got some sleep but sorry u had to make a trip to ER - get caught??? at what??? feeding my grandkids marshmallows??? lol what excitement!!!
stormyyyyy - have a great time at the beach - don't get sunburned - can't eat cake but will have some home made ice cream!
shawna - honey, any relative to talks to u like that is an ugly person - inside and out - that goes for ur bro, sil and any one else - glad u made some sales and got some orders - and yes, as ladee said - u r beautiful and I am glad u let him have it!!! sounds like about time -
hi to everyone else, vic, YR, ros, betty, smile, miranda asg and anyone I have forgotten
and my feelings r just fine lol - u gals r the greatest!!!
got a few small steaks that can be cooked over the fire, corn on the cob, marshmallows, and pie, fresh coconut, mango and blueberries and will make blueberry ice cream - dd will bring the hot dogs and buns and salad, and other stuff to make smores, the kids can play with balls and those noodle things and little boats in a tub or water - and or course bubbles!!!!
looking forward to it and better get going doing a little organizing and tidying up - but only as much as I feel like doing - they can live with the rest
a/c time - I may be indoors most of the time lol peace and quiet and cool
love ya all♥♥♥
jo
I checked your page and there is no information about your situation. I know that caregiving can drive a person to the edge of reason and the end of their tether
some of us have been at or pretty close to that point
dear soul, please let us know what is going on so we can help
and/or get help from a crisis line
remember feelings are temporary
waiting to hear from you and please promise me you won't do anything to yourself
(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
jo
Hugs,
Jam
I am just trying to keep everyone here happy. It's a balancing act. Dads back is still hurting him. I just keep the pain meds in him.
It is still hotter than hell here. "sigh" I am so ready for winter to get here.
Well, I have dinner on the stove gotta go stir it. Have a great evening.
Sorry to hear your dad is still in so much pain...... and hope you know if everyone isn't happy, it just may be them and not you.... you are such an awesome daughter.. what is there not to be happy about..
Hope your dinner was good, I do no cooking here, it goes in the microwave or it goes between bread... do enough cooking for Marie... well, hope you have a good evening and love ya ... hugs across the miles to you..
thanks YR - had a good time - my purpose was really to give the grandkids a good time - my kid's grandparents did not exactly do that. I want my grandkids to have
good memories of our times together - seems to be working -
take care of you too - balancing acts are tough -too bad they cannot do more for your dad
it all went well - Gary turned up with a bouquet of flowers about 10 mins before my daughter and family - have not heard a word from the boys - whatever - we had a fire going and roasted smokies, hot dogs and strips of steak - had corn and salad - then toasted marshmallows and made smores, i made the blueberry ice cream - the kids drank boxes and boxes of juice, ate chocolate, and cracked nuts and played with the stuff i bought for them and left with smiles and giggles - their dad remarked - "sugar high" - no doubt We all enjoyed it. I have promised them each another lunch treat with me (like their birthday treat) some time in the future.. Em and I will shop for make up lol and not sure what Joel wants but I am sure he will figure out something.
It is nice to see them growing up into relatively well behaved kids Gary was pooped and has gone for a nap. To be fair, he was up very early at work this morning and apparently has work to do this evening. I am chillin'
the emails from mother have decreased dramatically and I am realizing more and more how much pressure there was from her and how much it ate into my life - and all unnecessarily in many ways - except she has a mental illness and that drives her and these problems - glad to be having a break - more than glad actually -and feeling I can breathe again
take care all and doreal - hope to see you here again
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
It has been pretty good here. Dad has been pretty perky. He did his OT exercises fairly well when we sit and watch him do them. Yesterday was difficult as his body just won't relax. Last wednesday we went to urologist...should get urine culture back today. He has appt. This wednesday to see his internal med doc. Will have to take him early to get blood work so doc has results at appt time. Nights haven't been too bad lately..he has only called two or three times in the night better than every couple hours!! Will tell his doc that I think I see some blood in bowels..at least what looks like it. But not every time. It isn't his hemorrhoid. Although there isn't anything that can be done. Don't really want him to know if there is because he will just stress about it. Want him to be as
happy as possible. He has a great appetite and a good outlook most days. Yesterday...everything I did was "too rough" so I stayed at the other end of house as much as possible... Today will be better!!
So glad some of you are getting away time!! It is what refreshes the mind and body...makes it easier for us to come back and do what we all do!
Happy late birthday emjo! Sounds like it was a great day! Glad to hear mum's emails are far and few in between!! Words are like very sharp knives at times and those that are close to us have no clue!! Had a few of those yesterday.
Ladee hope that your charges will eventually see your worth...you are a very special lady!
Have been stressing for several years as to send off forms for dad to get VA compensation. He has military retirement. My understanding though if he received it would change the amount they get in retirement but make up fir in compensation. Have been scared to send off paperwork as I don't want to mess up what they receive now but if he qualified for more..it would help to have so that we could get more time with a sitter and maybe qualify for the VA aid and attendance program that gives the caregivers 30 days a year respite time. Man would that be nice! Looking for someone to say just a few days so hubby and I can get some time away is 250 per day... 4 days..1000.00. Just too much even though it is a great price. It is more that we can afford. Wish my brother would get his rear end here... Not only to ,give us a break but mostly to see parents as they love and miss him so much. I send him a text now and again to let him know about dad ... He at least calls mom when he gets them but damn!!! Oh well no use harping on something that won't happen anytime soon. If he does come then I will just take advantage if it happens. No sense in crying over spilled milk! Does it sound like I am trying to convince myself!! Lol yes,yes! Oh well
Love and prayers to all of you!! Thanks for listening!
welcome ib4billy - yes, lots of stories and urs is not a pretty picture either - my mum has been like urs all her life (borderline personality disorder) so I know how hard that is and am glad u know ur own limits - she really needs a medical assessment to find out why the personality change is happening - I also understand about her blowing up at any mention of getting help - i sympathize - my mum would never acknowledge she had a problem - it was always some one else (usually me and my father) so "she did not need help" - 0thers here may have some ideas of how to get an assessment. Perhaps a social worker or such could come to her home with you and if she blows then at least some one professional knows about it and may have suggestions. I am not in the USA so don't know your systems - though i am learning. Can you talk with her doctor or even your doctor and find out what resources are available? Good that ur brother is still coping during the week and glad u have decided to not go over alone - that is a healthy limit. She may also know that she is going down hill and it seems when this happens people take it out on the closest one - not that that means you have to stay on the receiving end - #1 here is take care of you ((((((hugs)))))
starri - thinking about u - and everyone else - check in when u can
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
now I am blubbering - the "sharp words" thing has put me in touch with some pretty basic pain - thank you for sharing that - in 2 words you summarized my childhood - just need to process it - I know the space from mother is allowng for some healing
((((hugs)))) vic and have a good day
coffee and choc now - can only help
am better already - feeling the love and sending it back -and smiling - love the porcupines :-D
Vic? talk with a veterans Representative, there are local county offices and there are regional offices, they can help you with any questions that you might have. When in doubt, ask someone..lol, there is also their website you could dig around on while you are waiting for a answer out of the office..
Jo, I am glad to hear that your birthday went well, it does sound like the kids were on a "sugar high" but what are grandparents for if not to spoil the kids? their your revenge for what your kids did as little ones..lol.. at least that is what I've always heard, had to call mom one day and apologize for being such a rotten kid, as my daughter was about to drive me nuts.
We've got the camper pretty much done, just some things that can't go in there till the last moment, as there is no place to put them, except right dead in front of the door. Don't know what is up with hubby, he's having chills. Please Lord I do not want to end up in the hospital with him again. We're not going anywhere though if he is not feeling better.
Me? still kinda teetering on the edge..even with having been back on my meds for a few days now. Of course hubby's changing his mind about where we are going on this trip isn't helping matters any. Just about ready to tell him exactly what he can do with that motorcycle and this trip.
Shawna, I am PROUD of you girl.. let the "a**hole" have it.. If you check out my face book page, you'll find there's more to me than what the Doctors like..lol... oh, well, I am happy, reasonably healthy and clean and sober, started adding to me after getting sober, turned to chocolate shakes rather than the bottle of rum. I have a favorite saying, and have used it several times, "if you don't like what you are looking at, turn your fu***** head as I did not ask you to look in the first place."
Tell the hubby all the time, I have a hour glass figure, mine just has 72 hours...
Anyway, time to go take hubby's temp again, I hate these new digital thermometers, I don't trust them... give me a good old fashion one, mercury included. Most hospitals now a days will not bother to check and actually test for what is wrong with you in the ER, had hubby's blood pressure not dropped last time I had him in there, they would have been sending him home with a script for antibiotics to cure a UTI when he really had sepsis . A week's worth of poop cleaning that time.. Thank you Lord that was all..
Anyone that hasn't checked in please do so.
As for the music? you can get even, opera, loud and clear.. otherwise speak with your landlady about it.. I love the opera anyway, so since it works quite well for getting the point across, just makes it better..
I need to get out of here as well, hubby is going to fine himself being drug behind the trailer if he keeps doing this oh, we can go to this motorcycle event, go to that one, etc.. I can't have my breakdown if I have to keep plastering on a happy face for 300 frigging people I don't know.
I've given up trying to do "spring" cleaning, it's become cleaning where ever I have time, energy and desire to do it...lol... Spring is coming again next year, if your not up to it this year, oh, well, do it next year.
It should not affect your Mom's survivor benefits when the time comes, as you will no longer be receiving the other part.
That's one of the reasons behind this trip, acquire everything we need (divorce certificates) for having me declared legally as Glenn's wife. So that when the time comes I will be able to collect a small pension. Won't have medical as far as I know, as he did not retire, 14 years and drank his way out of the service..lol, but at least he's sober now, and did get a honorable discharge. Should be fun trying to find them, I am wife # 4 for him, and he is hubby # 4 for me, I'm allergic to abuse, hence them being ex's.. He's been stupid all three, the 1st one was a decent woman, he drank and cheated himself out of that marriage, the second one was a sympathy marriage, and the 3rd was a marriage for a good connection for drugs..lol.. that one was his longest marriage, 16 years, he's my longest, 10 years now..good thing we're both sober, as someone would be serving a life sentence..
Good luck, let me know how things turn out for you.
Have a storm moving through so hope we don't lose the internet. Waiting for it to pass so I can go grocery shopping.....:(
Welcome ib4......your mom sounds like my mil. One of her diagnoses is manic attacks and she was mad at hubby and I both all weekend. I made the mistake of suggesting we buys bras that fit and he told her she couldn't drive her car. And everyone are idiots. Alrighty then, I guess we all know where we stand. You might want to consider checking your mom's medications, if she is taking any, as they may need to be tweaked or changed altogether. Has she had a check-up lately? Things to look for are UTI, dehydration, even a possible stroke. Or just a developing or worsening dementia.
emjo.....how nice to get flowers from your sweetie! Sounds like a good time was had by all.....I'm so happy it was a good day for you.
seeme.......must be busy installing internet somewhere....:)
ASG.....want directions to my house when you're through cleaning yours? Good to see you here. How's the Hover Round training going?
Vic.....if one benefit makes up on another it seems like it would be okay. Plus it sounds like there are other benefits that can then be utilized. It's always scary when you start working with possible financial changes. The col popped up the other day and said she wanted us to get her life insurance........uh, didn't know there was a policy. I never found paperwork pertaining to that when we moved her and hubby just says "I don't know".....so someone will save a lot money on down the road, because she doesn't remember anything about it either.
starri......glad to see you back and sorry you aren't feeling well. And wished hubby felt better so you can get on the road. Doesn't he realize this trip is for the peace and quiet and if you wanted to be bombarded with constant people and noise you could just stay home? Maybe he can go to a motorcycle show and leave you to some "me time".
stormy is probably playing in the sand and surf right about now.....lucky girl!
doreal........how are YOU doing today? Check in with us please!
Hello to everyone else and please check in and let us know how you are today......
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
As for him realizing that this trip is for peace and quiet? No he doesn't, he only see's the world as he wants to see it, and it involves no one else.. lol, was telling him the other day about us needing to get to idaho before the snow starts, and he was "oh, I have gloves, thermies, this that and the other thing" I told him "well, goodie for you !!!" there are 4 other people (3 with 4 legs) on this trip as well.
Love ya'll
IB, welcome, hope you come back to visit and post.... a great group of loving people here....
Emjo, those healing tears are the best kind...... and yes that distance from your mom is helping, I had to do that with my dad..... gotta do what we gotta do..
Starri, if the old man get sick, it means you are supposed to stay put.. everytime ya'll have headed out something has happened... and if he keeps being a butt, just come to Texas with the girls, it is hot here , but you would have alone time, and I promise not to make plans and then change them again and again....And as far as music for my neihbors, well I think some hard core AC/DC would do the trick.... loud, really loud.....
Jam, sorry to hear that wanting to get her new bras brought about a "hate fest', tell her she can get ME new bras and I'll send her my old ones... I wear 48D, would that help her any.......
Ah Seeme, she is just having fun, could care less what we are doing or missing her.... see how she is when she gets some ME time...... it's all about her......love ya girl
I know I missed someone here, but will be back later....I have to go to the WASHATERIA, OMG..... haven't had to do that in forever..... but am going to rest first, then come back and tell ya"ll that someone has kidnapped the old Marie, and left a nice lady in her place....... later, love and hugs....