This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I did understand intellectually why the person said what they did....she was tired and NEVER got a break.... so I think i just tried to be more sensitive to those that are doing this 24/7. Ya, the feelings are the same.....but I also have limitations..... I can not slam a door because I want this person to just stop whining for a few minutes.....I can not get irritated, and let that be heard in my voice....and then trying to juggle all the yammering family, that have different ideas and ways of going about things.....One lady wanted a 'servant'... uh, excuse me.... not my job description....
Maybe I just add all this extra stress on myself... but my name and caregiving reputation is what makes my living..... I have excellent references..... and this is a small town.... one lady I have worked with in the past, another caregiver, called the police on one of her clients, accusing abuse..... only because she was angry..... that woman will never work again, not in this town anyway.....so it's different, yet the same..... I don't always know how to share I guess.... I am very vocal, and straightforward....and I am passionate about elders receiving good care.....I apparently have trouble taking my job seriously, but not taking myself so seriously...if that makes sense..... Thank God I have a sense of humor tho and can laugh at myself..... after the fact!!! Not during !!! lol...
So I appreciate the support, and none of those people who gave me such a hard time are here anymore..... and being PAID and on this site was a struggle....so I got a lot of negative messages about sharing what was my JOB.... that I was TRAINED, well, uh, I have never been TRAINED to not be human......
Thank you Glad, for providing a safe place for me to share some things that have been bothering me for a very long time..... maybe I won't be so reluctant to share the bad times....Tho I do like to share the positive outcome also.... I want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.....
Mercy, what a can of worms I upended.... thanks for all of you who support a PAID caregiver , and realize that I am human first, then a caregiver..... feels good to be back.... hugs across the miles to all of you...
Any news on V? Have I missed an update thread? Hugs and thanks to you x
No news on V, wrote to her last night via her husbands email... have been doing that everyday, guess we have to look at it like no news is good news... I do know because of her caloric and protein deficit, that is why she was unable to swallow...that is why they did the feeding tube, .she will have a long rehab.... if you want to send her a note, I will PM you my email address, her husband wants it this way..... he is reading them to her.... so just let me know....
So ya, running like the wind sounds sooooo good..... deep sigh... so catch ya later after I go do my good deeds for the day, remember, I get to come home at the end of the day !!!! lol....
Love, hugs, angels and chocolate..... be good to yourself today...
Jillybean, I hope you took advantage of today being easy. Recoup for tomorrow, when it’s busy.
Jazzy, that’s a good goal – to put some time for our health. I tend to do mine all in 1 week. Set up all these appointments – dental, medical (like mammo), and don’t forget my car’s maintenance.
SherylBeth, when I first found this site, about 3 years ago, I was reading all over the site – even on subjects that doesn’t deal with my situation. But as I read all over, I learned what to expect in the future, what some posters did and did not do. I took all kinds of notes and saved in file – with the weblink for easy finding. After 2 years of reading people’s advice of Document, Document, Document – I finally started doing that last year. Thank Goodness I did that! Dad is beginning to accuse me of stealing his money. I have all the receipts.
Hi RuthAnn!
Today, at work, I was so not feeling well. Lethargic. Front face feels like it has a fever, yet when I touch it, it’s very very slight. I just didn’t feel good at all. Still don’t. But just in case I’m getting sick, I stopped by the grocery store and bought some chicken vegetable soup (can’t stand the chicken noodle soup) and some OJ. I drank that OJ as if I was dying of thirst. I’m getting sick. You see, I don’t like OJ. At all. The only time I can drink it – is when I’m sick. And then when I do drink it while sick, it is so very delicious! When I’m healthy, I drink it, and I’m showing faces of distaste. I’m so tired. I have to change dad’s pamper now.
I woke up this morning with the alarm screaming. Tried to ignore it. I looked at the time. 6:29am! I slept through 2 alarms. I'm soooo tired. Well, typing one finger is long. Now, it's 6:54 am! Time to get up.
I am going to write a general update for everyone. I am so busy and stressed out that I just can't get everything done, pay all the bills, travel 140 miles round trip and help a tenant who has been unjustly charged with assault by a sociopathic woman who actually assaulted her first. So far the Public Defender looks useless, as is the norm around here. Tell Book she can call me Mike if she wishes, or even Dr. Mike if she wants to be very formal!
Veronica has been on the mend for the last 2-3 days, but I think she has developed pleurisy, which usually means some form of pneumonia underneath. It may just stay localized but I have to check if they did a sputum culture. The chest X-ray they just did will tell us much more.
She feels like she could try swallowing again, which is a very good sign. It means that she is regaining a little muscular strength. The Docs are making sure she does not have some generalized neurological or muscle disorder. I think the consensus at the moment is that she has severe malnutrition. They are feeding her well IV. They plan to insert a J- tube in a couple of hours under a general anesthetic. This will allow them to start feeding her via the intestine as well as the TPN.
Apart from the pleuritic pain, her spirits are on the up and up. I have been reading messages to her as they come through, but I think I'll do it again in a day or two when she is feeling better.
My main worry now is that they will postpone the J-tube due to a chest infection.
I would just like to add that it has been wonderful of you all to provide such abundant care, love and support. I appreciate that too.
I will update you all as things progress and as I get a chance.
I have photos on my iPad and phone to show him and get copies made.
Today I did not accomplish much but had a late afternoon nap which certainly helped.
Thank You Jam for this beautiful piece, so very well scripted...it really hit the
spot with Me, and I'm sure with all Carer's.
57twin, maybe tonight's sleep will be better. I've always hated it when I feel soooo tired that I'm looking forward to sleeping. Then when I'm lying in bed, I cannot sleep! I just keep tossing and turning. I rarely have this - since mom passed away. It was just 1 less major stress for me to deal with (both bedridden parents with mom needing the most 24/7 care or else she can choke on her own saliva) and fulltime job. But I sure remember how upset I was when I couldn't sleep despite being so tired!
Coulditbeme, Hi!!!!
Johnjoe - Yeah, Jam's words really hit home, doesn't it?
Sneezing at work... Both bosses will be off-island this Friday, and back in the office on Wednesday. I work this Saturday. Since Monday is a holiday, oldest sis is off. I'm stuck at home watching dad. Not much of a weekend....
She will never walk again, much less unassisted.... she won't be able to talk clearly and be understood, part of that I hold the family accountable for... they do not do the necessary things to keep her active and refuse to set in on a Speech Therapy session.... her and I communicate good, but I do everything that i was taught to do.... she gets aggravated, only trying to help.... but most of you know that feeling, I'm sure...
She didn't want to walk on her walker yesterday... fine... she didn't want a shower, fine, until her hubby stepped in and actually took my side for a change, told her she needed to do some things according to my schedule as I don't have time to bathe her at her convenience....I think PT is a waste of time,personally....she is the center of attention when the PT is there and of course does well.
And please, do not anyone get the idea this woman is not treated with respect and my full attention... she rarely knows I am frustrated with her.... welllll, Fri night she did.... LOL....
But I don't baby her, use all the energy to encourage and encourage and encourage all day long...because that only seems to give her more attention with no results....
Her shower was an ordeal yesterday.... she had been doing so well, no prompts where to put her hands, to stand up straight, ect... she almost fell because she would not listen when turning around and setting down..... she had been doing that all day, so just PLOP herself down...it scared her... of course I was right there and she did not fall.... but then she start ed whining, she just didn't know why she couldn't do this that or the other.... Yes you do J, it's because you won't try.... went into the same old song of being understanding of her limitations, ect.... and I am compassionate about that, but getting bored at the same time.....
And her poor husband thinks she will be up canning things out of the fall garden.... he has such high hopes... but I feel he might start insisting that she try to walk more when I am there..... it would feel good to know someone had my back and that I wasn't always the 'bad guy' for wanting her to get her strength back...so that was my dump for the day, before I go over there to the Groundhog day of caregiving... ya know, the one we all have every day......
Sorry the first part of the email was included.....didn't intend for that t o be part of it... but prayers being answered for Ms. V... she is getting better, slowly, so keep the posts here coming and t he emails to her.....tell her stuff that would make her laugh.... I do..... so thanks to everyone supporting and praying for our Ms. V.... love and hugs to you all today..... now, must get on the hiway to hell.... later...
Y tried to go outside while I was out of the room. I forgot to put the note on the door that says not to open it because the alarm will go off (the only way to keep her from trying to open it, because she's had a few experiences with opening it and having the loud, blaring alarm go off). So anyways, I come out and see her on the front step, about to go down the rest of the way (there are three steps). She is not steady at all without her walker, but of course she thinks she is. I told her she wasn't supposed to go out there by herself and she said she'd come in in a minute, and then ... started to go down the rest of the way. She wobbled, caught herself, and I ran over, grabbed her forearms and started helping her back in. She absolutely LOST it. She started hitting at me and yelling for me to get away from her, etc. etc. I got her inside and when I let go, she practically lunged at me she was so mad, but didn't touch me.
I told her (not too calmly, but hey, I had had a scare from her nearly falling, and now here she was yelling at me when I was helping her) that she nearly fell but of course you can't reason with them. Then I told her she'd better never hit me again and ... I called her a liar. Yeah, I was pretty upset. But it shut her up at any rate, though she was still mad as Hades. Took me a while to calm down. I can assure you I've called her a few choice names to myself. I think she's forgotten it by now, but sometimes you can't tell.
Oh, and yesterday! She writes notes all the time, asking for stuff like notebooks and things. Well, she had written a note about needing more diapers (in the grossed out thread, I wrote about how she's been cutting her unused diapers up into butterflies and things; so anyways we've only been giving her a few at a time to try to curb that). Anyways, I came into her room and right there on her table is a cut-up diaper. I said, "Why do you cut up your diapers? That's why you're running out of them!" and opened a drawer of hers, and there were literally ten or so more that she'd cut up; and she said it was none of my business and basically murdered the laws of logic, but I can't remember all she said. Anyways, I brought her coffee to her and she said, "Did you poison it?" So I said yes, I did. Haha! That shut her up; she was expecting me to get mad and offended, because she seems to thrive on trying to hurt my feelings (once I realized she wanted my feelings to get hurt, I stopped letting her see if she had accomplished her goal; which turned into my feelings not being hurt). I've now started telling her I don't care what she thinks about me; she'll think it about me no matter what, so she can think what she likes. It actually works! It's no fun to taunt someone who just calmly goes about their business and doesn't care if you taunt them or not. I guess that's called detachment?