This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
RA,
I would try to remove all of the diapers from the drawer, all of them! Put them somewhere else. Replace with construction paper, paper plates, napkins, maybe she wants to make something, and it seems cutting up colorful construction paper (or copier paper comes in many colors) would be much more fun and rewarding. I would also put in some fabric scraps, felt, ribbons, anything you can think of that she may enjoy rather than cuttine up expensive diapers!
If your mom ever goes to the ER, do the same thing. Insist that she be evaluated, tested for dementia, etc... Explain the increase anger and how she wanted to hit you. Worse case scenario, you can refuse to bring her home if they don't do this because she's becoming violent and you can't handle it.
The thing is, your mom IS going to get worse. My dad used to look like he wanted to hit me. Then one day, he finally punched me in the head when I was too busy changing mom's pamper. He always waited to punch me when I was doing the pamper. It kept escalating- his anger and the hitting. Then one day, he went after me. His hands were extended and clawed. I knew he was going for my throat. I took a defensive stance by turning my body sideways and my right arm extended, ready to throw that one punch, and then run like heck out of the house. Just before he reached me, he realized I was ready to fight back (unlike those ambush punches to my face with the last one almost caused my eye glasses to fly off my face, only dangling from the ear opposite of where he punched). He stopped, stared at my upraised hand and walked away.
Leah, I'm going to tell you something that I learned from reading on this site. In the authorities eyes, it's okay for the elderly people to hit their caregivers or family. They have "excuse" like they're old and don't know any better. But if you're attacked and you Defend yourself by hitting back - you can get in trouble for Abusing the Elderly! Be very careful when your mom becomes aggressive. Whatever happens, do not hit back - even if is attacking you. Get out of the house quickly. You really don't want your mom to reach this violent stage without being properly evaluated from time to time.
I'd never hit back, but I did tell her in no uncertain terms that she'd better never, ever hit me again. But she's so feeble, I think she'd have fallen over if she'd been standing on her own (I was still holding onto her at the time, and even then she lurched sideways as she slapped at me), so really there's more danger to her than to me. I have a feeling they'll put her in a nursing home soon; but I really need this job, so I'll stay as long as I can!
Tired. Took my car in for oil change and to change the weather rubber on all 4 doors. 2 hrs at the shop and paid exhorbitantly for it. Next project is to undo the current tints and get a new one. The old tint is beginning to bubble. I think, too, it's almost time to change the battery. The last battery I bought was in 2012. Sometimes, when I try to turn on the ignition, it won't start. And when slowing down, it feels as if the car's about to die. I need to see when nephew is free so that we can go and replace it.
He is at the stage that someone must always be in the room with him. If this sundowning/UTI continues, will it be wrong if I just sleep in my bedroom which is the furthest room? NO baby monitor! The last time I used this was with mom. And the spirit made it sound as if mom was choking. I'm a bit slow. After jumping off the bed, running through the hall before reaching mom's bed, she was quietly sleeping...Several times.. I Finally caught on. Turned off the monitor and pulled it out of the socket. No monitor. The thing is, if he keeps calling out and no one answers, he will get off the bed. (He thinks he can still walk.)
Babalou, our livingroom air con makes a wonderful background noise. Maybe not the same as 'white noise' ? I will check later for the app. Will try it. I can't use ear plugs. I have tinnitus (hence the wonderful air con background noise which is a tad louder than the ringing.) I'm going to try to sneak in more sleep while he's not talking...oops, spoke too soon.
So every ones prayers are working, she is doing better each day, even having to undergo two feeding tube ordeals..... she is very grateful for those that have written to her and I keep her updated on who send messages here on AC..... She knows how loved she is and how we all miss her.... more when I know something..... hugs everyone....
Today, I did something I have been thinking about for awhile now... J will not cooperate about walking or doing any exercise.... the PT has gone out of his way to give her a few more weeks of therapy..... so today, after asking her if she wanted to walk some... and of course her answer was, not right now.... I waited until I could H alone, and told him she is never going to walk again, and if she does not start to comply with doing things when the PT isn't here, he is going to drop her... just something for you to think about... and went on about my business..... about 20 minutes later, he walked in the living room and said, 'Come on J, you are going to walk....".... she was pouty, but she did it... and then he suggested she walk every time she had to go to the bathroom and to set down for lunch... ect... so no more rides in the wheel chair today... and she was in a better mood, felt better physically, mentally more alert.... hmmm, amazing...
Will tell them tomorrow I am going out of town this weekend, getting to go meet a friend in Galveston, and guess they will have to figure out who is going to put her to bed those nights.... can't be taken advantage of if I don't them... right? Right! I sooo need a weekend away, like all of you.... will walk the beach and say prayers for all my caregiving friends.....and have you in my heart..... hugs, love, angels, and chocolate....
Had to get rid of the sad cow's eye, it was just a quick joke anyway.
Really like that , is it laughing at us?
Reminds me of the search for just one more hour of sleep way back when my son was born. Now, I get tired but that sleepy sleepiness even when enough sleep does not happen. Go look in the mirror, pull down your lower eyelids, are they pale? This is the old doc's test for anemia. If you cannot eat liver, go to doctor for a B-12 injection & iron. You've been so tired, for so long, maybe it is not just Dad's schedule? Let me know how you tested.
My husband and I are still praying for your husband and you V.
So pleased that you are getting a room soon. Every improvement is such a milestone, you might be able to post here soon, no pressure, just get well!
And thank you for passing on wonderful news about Veronica! I think of her often.
Have you seen Hope's donkey is back?