This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Once upon a time ...yesterday to be precise the following happened:
Would you like to go out for a drive I say; yes she says; where would you like to go; the seaside.
Sio I drive to Lepe beach (about 20 miles from us.....not far but traffic wise almost an hour) which was calm and peaceful.
I went and got her an ice cream cornet with a flake in it and a cup of tea and what does she do? She poops herself.
Trust me that was one long smelly drive back even with the windows open.
Then when I had to brake very suddenly I realise she had undone her seat belt so now it has splatted everywhere.
Oh and not content with the poop she had to go and make it worse by wetting....well it didn't make much difference? Oh really? so poop and wee - hmmm cow pat springs to mind! or that film ...there's a river running through it!
What annoyed me the most was that all the way home all she could say was I am so glad it wasn't my daughter's car plus of course a running commentary on what it felt like. Luckily apparently it wasn't smelly - I wanna be her age - my nose was still working and trust me she lied about the smell
She's all clean now having had a shower.
Such a great day!
Did you by any chance put a waterproof pad on her seat? They do sell those in various sizes - for the bed, the couch, the wheelchair. I am sooooo glad that my dad's 'messes' are all contained on his hospital bed. Just cleaning your mom would have tired me. I don't even want to think about cleaning the car before the stench becomes permanent. Now we know what needs to be done on your next long distance drive....Come to think of it - even the short distances to the stores.
I'm also trying to convince myself to only answer the questions that he asks, and not volunteer any other information - like the fact that I hate my brothers now! I told mom we should buy an RV and live in a different state each month; change our phone numbers and names and just live free of the stress they cause us! :-)
And yes, just answer their questions without offering too much additional information. And above all be truthful. Best wishes with this I certainly kniw how stressful it is!
Did APS actually tell you it was your brothers that called? Or was it someone else? The policy at APS is not to divulge who requested the investigation confidental.
I took mom and stayed at her apartment over the weekend, then we went back yesterday morning and spent the day cleaning and organizing since I don't know what to expect from the home inspection. It will take place this Weds. and I'm hoping the APS guy sees that it was a complete waste of his time and that my brother gets a "slap on the wrist" for bothering them! He is also petitioning the court to get custody/guardianship of her ~ but I have POA so I don't think that will work. You made me smile Falcon; your words were really helpful :-)
Everything in the fridge was in the right place sealed and labelled with dates - again stress and I turn OCD. the place looked more like a show home than home. They went upstairs and saw the rails the commode, the perch stool etc so I had geared for mums safety, they saw she had a care alarm if I was in the garden or popped to the shops. They noted we had grip rails everywhere. SO I was feeling comfortable by this time and said ... what else can I do to help Mum be safe. Oh god never say that to them. In a very stern voice he said it isn't us you should be asking but the Occupational therapists and you should know that.
But you are an OT it says so on your badge .... not at this time if you note it also says I am an investigator, which to be fair it did.... I am checking all is well ....can I see the accounts please. So I take him into my office. I offer him the neat row of labelled files all in order and all dated for payment and then showed him the bank statements with everything noted on it. I then showed him the spreadsheet I keep with all my care details on it and the meds and contraindications in it. Then because I could see in was in deep shock at the tidiness and order I thought screw you and I made him check the details that the care agency had completed which was zip compared to mine.
I explained to him that I had bought specific sanitary hygiene bins to prevent cross infection, that I had also bought gloves to protect Mum and I from cross infection and that I had aprons for when I showered her - I dragged him back upstair thinking you WILL bloody see everything now I have gotten it all in place you vile little toad and made him check that everything had been sterilised or sanitised. All her clothes were ironed and hung so she could choose what she wore. Then as a piece de resistance I showed him the three books I had written on care of the elderly especially the one on dementia, and the one on nutrition.
Oddly enough that was the very last visit I had from them and that was all because a social worker said I was suicidal. 6 months of visits every month - nearly drove me to total insanity. Well yes I was deeply stressed at one point because social workers do bugga all to help - sending people to care for mum who didn't empty soiled bins, left faecal filthy gloves in my kitchen bin ffs and having put mum to bed one night when I was working at 7.15 didn't come to get her up until 11.30 the following day grrrrrrrrrr- now I know they are useless, I gave up working at all and I manage perfectly well without them....rant over - you will never be expected to be that OCD and they will more likely want to know about your relationship with your family. Tell them how much you love your mum and care about her well being and care fore her as best as an untrained person can. yes it is hard and yes it is sometimes stressful - be honest here because they know that. I told them that when things got a little too much I took myself off to the room next to Mums and played classical music to soothe me for half an hour. If they ask you about your siblings , tell them you are hurt that they do nothing but criticise and disappointed that they don't take more interest in your Mum. Be honest tell them you may not keep them as up to date as you should but you are chasing your tail most of the time keeping up with Mum's needs. Don't under any circumstances let them rattle you. If they ask you a tricky question play for time by asking what they mean - Im sorry i don't quite understand could you put that question a different way please?
Book, my kindle never opens to the last page, but I tried via newsfeed, then just click LAST. Your technology must be fancier.
Thanks, Ladee.
Send. Most of the time, News Feed will open to the Last Page that I read on the thread. For example, if I read here 2days ago on....Let's say comment 22353. It will open in that area. Most times. Sometimes it opens there, even though I've read 2 pages later like on comment 22380.
Mom: the bus is out there!
Me: Oh ya, I don't have any kids that go to school
An hour later same thing..
An hour later same thing..
Ugh! This will go on until June 2016..