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Ladee, success at speaking up for yourself! It took some nervewracking time, I know, but that is good news! Good going, hugs to you!!
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thanks Sendme... ya, I have been caregiving for so long, that I automatically do things and don't think about it until later, when I realize I am seething with resentment.... means I got myself into a situation, now i have to use brain cells to figure out how to problem solve..I've been fortunate that this family is willing to listen and be fair.....And even the weekend nighttime putting J to bed is being worked on....so it could be much worse and has been in the past... you can't imagine the bitching I have done on here for years about what crappy families I have worked for.... but hopefully this will be the last one, and hope it turns out good for all involved, me included.... I don't have a problem standing up for myself, it's just the way I handle it sometimes that is very wrong.... lol..... I am still a work in progress.... thanks again.
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Ladee ... we're in sync, again ... just starting getting my SSA this year and letting it accumulate so long as I'm with Edna. I'm SO looking forward to my future. In that sense, I've never been so clear about what I want to do, and how ... and with the means to do it.

Now, all I have to do is cope with at least two deaths, before that will happen.
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Great for both of you, Ladees, on the SSA. I heard that it used to be age 65 but they moved it to age 67. From what I heard on the news, they're now planning to extend it much later - forgot the age - if it was age 70. Government is trying to cut back on spending by cutting back on the SSA and Medicare. I think it's scary how they want to phase out SSA and force people to do their retirements via stocks/bonds/IRAs. Are they crazy?! Those markets fluctuates, crashes, rises, etc... Anyway, you both are so fortunate to finally get an 'in' before the gov't does something else to it.
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I wanted to share something here and forgot what it is. I should have posted it first before reading. Oh! Now I remember! We had a business luncheon at a hotel cafe. As you know, I'm allergic to shrimp. oh, mannnnn, there was some very delicious looking shrimp food! I carefully to chose my food from the buffet table.

I Sat down on the table, drank the iced tea and took a few bites. Not even 2 minutes into my meal, the person across me asked if I was okay. I misheard her and said that both of my bosses are fine. (Since she did ask me how I was when I first sat on their table, I figured she was asking about my bosses.) She gave me a puzzled look. The person beside her looked at me, and asked me if I was okay. I said yes. They both asked me if I'm sure. Yes, I'm sure. They asked me if I feel funny.

I sat there thinking. Their questions reminded me sooooo much of my brother and his gf asking me repeatedly if I was okay - after I had put on the sunblock and immediately turned super red and face bloated. I asked them Why are they asking. They said that my face is red. I don't have a mirror on me. But just in case, I immediately took Benadryl. I sat there staring at my plates. Which food caused me to have an allergic reaction? The only unknown thing - is the salad dressing. But just in case, I decided not to eat my side plate of salad. I got full fast because I didn't know I was attending this function and drank my ice coffee throughout the morning. Too bad I didn't make a pig of myself - esp. since it's Free food at a hotel! Oh, I'd better refill my Benadryl supply that I keep in my purse. I took the last one today....
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bookluvr; have you ever visited a chiropractor? They can work miracles with sinuses and migraines. Especially if your neck is 'snapping' by itself. When I first started going (over 30 years ago); I would get back to work and could feel my sinuses draining! It really is a miracle and no pills involved! I also used to use peppermint oil and rub it on my temples to help ease tension or migraine headaches a little. A chiropractor could really help you with this though!

Sendme2help; Oregano oil is fabulous. Did you know that you can take a few drops under your tongue (it has to be PURE oregano oil) to ward off colds or to help cure them quicker?
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Today I am good. I am doing some things for myself, which is so important for my mental health! My mother has what I would call "moderate" dementia. She is 93 and lives in an ALF 10 minutes from my home, so not living directly with me. But I see her almost every day, and talk to her several times a day. I know that my situation is not nearly as intense as many people who care for their loved ones, and I know it will continue to deteriorate. In additiion to the dementia, she has macular degeneration and is nearly blind, as well as hearing loss. It is a daily challenge. Lately the biggest challenge is that she is obsessing over her clothes. She takes them out, tries them on, sorts them out, puts them away, takes them out again, and goes through the whole process again. She claims someone has stolen outfits (but can't remember which ones), she claims she has had other residents come into her room to try outfits on that she no longer wants. I have taken all her off season clothes this week to store at my house, which narrows down her need to sort. I write notes for her in very large print to help her remember things. Sometimes that works, most times not. She finds the note and throws it away. I try so hard not to get on to her, and most days I do well. Some days I do not. I keep the mantra in my head that no matter what she says, it's not important that she be right. Just agree and move on. Easier said that done sometimes. My husband is supportive, and just hugs me when I get off the phone or come home from a visit and just scream the frustration. My sister lives too far away to help on a daily basis, but she helps tremendously by listening to me, letting me vent, and understanding my need to laugh at some of the situations I find myself in. Laughter really helps, and remembering to try to do things for me - exercise, dinner with friends, seeing my grandkids. But sometimes nothing works. I just plow through those days and remember how thankful I am to still have her with me.
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Charlotte, I understand you all too well. Sometimes I feel like this moderate stage may be the most difficult. Mom can still appear normal for short periods of time and can fool people, and its not apparent how bad she is. She refuses to move, to accept help, socialize, or go anywhere. She thinks shes doing ok...but the only things she is able to do is feed and bathe herself. She has a housekeeper and I take care of all errands, finances, house issues, etc. I have no legal grounds to force a change, even with POA, and i find myself so irritated that she is so stubborn about everything. But you cant rationalize with someone who doesnt remember for longer than 5 minutes and brain damage.
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SherylBeth, Your mom sounds just like mine, and I do the same tasks for her.
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Mother doesn't understand how hard it is to be in my shoes and feel like the entire world is on my shoulders.I love her SO much but there isn't enough of myself.I never stop and I never get done..I feel like a machine and my family treats me like one.
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For those of you who are fairly new to this site, keep coming back. Vent, cry, laugh, make friends, and repeat, as often as needed....We all belong to a club we never thought we would be a member of, and we all relate and understand and support, even tho we are bone tired, half brain dead, and everything hurts. we are not alone.....

A special Thank You to Admin for the new hugs !!!!! Love them !!!
Hope everyone found one thing to be grateful for today.

And yes LadeeC, we will save our little money and finally have some freedom...one day.... hugs to you my friend, so happy we are both here again... Hugs and love to you all.
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It's good to know that I am not the only one. Mom is in an ALF, but because she is so afraid someone will lose her clothes, I do her laundry. It helps her to be calmer, helps the facility not get blaimed for something that never happened, but most of all helps me to keep everyone on an even keel. A little extra laundry doesn't hurt, but it just adds another responsibility. I love her so very much, and every day I remember telling my Dad I would take care of her. It is a great responsibility and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. But some days I just wish I could just pretend that I don't have this whole other person I am solely responsible for. Ok, I am done venting for today!! :) Thank everyone for being here so that we can vent. It is so nice to be able to do that with people who understand we aren't asking for a fix, we just need to vent, stomp our feet, have a little pitty party, then straighten up and get back to being who we need to be again for someone who means the world to us.
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I read all of these letters, and I must say each one is brilliant. All are so very well scripted. CharlotteAnn I love Your lines.. We just need to vent, stomp Our feet, have a little pitty party, then straighten up and get back to being Who We need to be again for Someone Who means the World to Us. That's just pure poetry, how I would love to be able to express Myself like that. We all need to vent, let off steam otherwise We would explode. Thank You All for Your support, as it's comforting to feel I'm not alone any more. Peace and joy to You all.
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Deborah, I don’t know if I can afford a chiropractor. I barely make enough to buy food – after the bills are paid. And my fear of the unknown – what if he/she cracks one too many bones? Plus I would have to find a female chiropractor so that I don’t have childhood flashbacks if it’s a male chiro. I would love to get a massage (never tried it) and even try chiro, but….

Charlotte –I admire you having the patience to just allow her to always be right. I’m still struggling with that – with my dad.

Luckylu, my dad is just like your mom. I can explain my full day’s work and he just gives me a blank look. Kind of hard to reason with someone who no longer can think reasonable 24/7.

Ladee1, Ha! I didn’t even know we had new hugs. Shows that I haven’t sent a Hug to anyone today. Hmm.. did I send any yesterday? Can’t remember. {{chuckling}} oh, yeah… grateful today…that uhm assignment completely slipped my mind… Oh yes! I did stop very briefly when I left the office this afternoon and saw the quarter moon was out – in the daylight. I briefly stopped to admire the moon. I love looking at the moon!

Hi Johnjoe, yep, I agree, this is a great place to vent or find tips or share some humor with those who Get It. Unlike family, when you make a caregiver’s joke, they have this blank look.
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Boss wife is making it a habit to chastise me in front of my customers. She always does it when her hubby is not at work to witness it. She did it again yesterday in front of a brand new customer. I told the client what was required for the China visa application. They still came to our office with the home-made passport photo. It was not meeting the requirement. Boss wife immediately chastised me in front of the client, "Didn't you tell them what is required?" in That Tone of Voice. I immediately responded back with the same tone of voice as hers, "Yes, I did tell them!" The guy left our office to get another photo done correctly. It's so irritating. They don't remember things and keep asking me over and over the same questions. Do I turn around and use that Tone of Voice that after 20 years in this job, don't you think they should know the answer by now? No, I don't do that even though I wanted to.

Dad is sneaking his hand into his front pants. Ha! Caught him!
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CharlotteAnn; well said! I'm in the same position. Mom is now living with me and going to adult day care while I'm at work. They love her there and she seems to enjoy herself as well - it's been a life saver. I also get her ready for "work" in the morning while getting myself ready ~ I have to pick out her clothes, help her get them on, do her hair, help her with her makeup, and make sure she takes her meds. She gets distracted every time I turn around so I have to refocus her over and over again. When I do that; she says she is going to call one of my brothers to come and get her! I have a rotten one right now that is putting me thru the ringer and that's the one she always brings up. I was ready to scream this morning... She also woke me up two times before I actually had to be up - it's exhausting. And I am glad I have found this site as well ~ some days, it really helps me get thru the day :-) Thanks to everyone!!
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Booklvr, I really am not that good at always allowing her to be right. I fail in that department alot. My mantra, every time I see her, is to say over and over to myself "it doesn't matter if she is right, let if be, just agree" I can tell you that is one of the hardest thing for me to do-to not correct her all the time. I'm learning, but it is a struggle every day.
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Deborah, you have patience and determination. I know that it's important that they have a set schedule but I always find ways of shortcutting. I rarely win but I still keep trying.

Charlotte, I actually was relieved when I read your words above. I have toned down a bit since I found this site 3 years ago. Bedridden dad and I always argued a lot with lots of shouting. I would keep everything in and when he push me too far, my anger just boils over. I lost my temper. We rarely do that now. He's deteriorating fast physically and mentally. And he still refuses to assign anyone POA.
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bookluvr, I've read in so many places that we just need to realize that they are not the person we know, they can't help what they say and do. It is never easy for me to remember that, but I try and I think I am getting better. But one thing I have discovered (unfortunately I have to discover this over and over!) is that when I take care of me, when I get my exercise in and play golf with my husband, and visit with my grandkids I am better. When I let all the things that are important to me slide, I get frustrated and my patience disappears. Take care of yourself. Do things that are important to you. It really does help.
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Just emailed Ms.V;s husband for an update, have sent a few emails and have heard nothing back. Just want to know what is going on and if and when I hear from him I will let everyone know.. hugs to everyone this morning, need to get ont he hiway to hell... later, hugs
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My Mom woke up at 1:30 am and turned on all the light, so I got up to see what the problem was...

She said "someone is in here"

My husband said " oh good then you don't need me". Lol

I reassured her everything was fine!
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ROFL. Love what your husband said. I'll have to remember that one.
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Well, had to go to court today for an eviction notice from my landlord. Turns out they just don't want to be landlords anymore and are taking all their tenants to "eviction" court. I have been evicted!
I just took my mom into my home on 8/31; she is comfortable there and used to it now. I don't know what I will do now... I have court on 10/6 with my rotten brother who is petitioning for guardianship too! This has truly been the absolute worst month of my life. I feel broken now; like why bother going on? I really can't handle anything more being thrown at me.
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ACK! Need to vent. It has been one thing after another today. Blood pressure too high, kidney problems, ear troubles, need to go to doctor, don't need to go, need a new bed, don't need one, arguing with every word out of my mouth, picking arguments. ACK! Let me up, I've had enough. Hiding in my room now. Going to try to get some work done in this crazy house.
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My heart is failing and she likes that she can make me kill over on a dime...is this dementia?
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Oh no, Deborah! How are you going to find a place, a good place, so last minute- on top of dealing with your brothers? Do you have a good friend or loyal relative to help you search for a new home? Can you find a reliable real estate agent to do the hunting for you? (If they're willing.) Take a deep breath and just do one step at time. {{{Hugs-}}}

JessieBelle, oops, I almost thought you were talking about your health. But the more health problems you mentioned, I figured it was her. Does your mom need a new bed? If my dad needs something but it's not necessary, and he's being wishy-washy, I tend to ignore him. Hmmmm, yes? Okay. No? Okay. In one ear and out the other. ... If it's something I think he needs, I approach him like a salesperson... It's very old, lumpy, filthy- see how it's black? That's mold. Moldy pillow is not good for you. It causes all these health problems - breathing problems, coughing, etc.. Once I'm done with my pitch, I would conclude, " I think we should get rid of the old one. I'll get a new one." This can go on several times before he finally says yes.
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Raymond, can't say if she has dementia. Sounds like she enjoys hurting you. Has to do with power. You can give us more information if you like.

I've read of so many posters whose mother sounds like yours. She sounds narcissistic. On the top right of this page, there's a SEARCH box. Why don't you try typing 'narcissistic mothers". The ongoing theme is that they tend to hurt those around them, yet hug all the attention.

Have you seen this thread:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/borderline-personality-Narcissistic-mother-142833.htm
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Got my tax refund. I usually put the whole amount in my savings- for emergency money. That's how I was able to pay my $500 car repair, and the $700 4tires. Emergencies. I agonized over this check. I finally decided to use some of the money to buy my favorite purses. I went on Ebay and bought 2, totaling $160.00. I love the one I'm using right now- black patent. But patent doesn't last long with frequent use. Purse is tearing in some places but it's a great medium size purse to fit my junk and the 10" (?) iPad. I tried to find another one here but they no longer carry it. I found 2 online. I'm satisfied.

By the way, if you think my spending $160 on 2 medium size bags is frivolous. You haven't met my fave sis who spends $300 on a Michael Cor stiff purse that doesn't even have a zipper on top! $300!!!! Since our weather is either rain or shine, i asked sis what happens when it rain? Won't her stuff get wet? SIL also buys expensive purses. I still buy the $15.00 ones if it catches my eyes. Yes, I do have lots of purses... and lots of shoes....

Talking about shoes. I bought my very first rain boots! Nice shiny black. I found it in the children's dept @ kmart. I couldn't believe I fit a size 2! Now when I take out the trash to the road, or go to the washing machine in the back, I can wear this rain boots without getting my feet wet. I hate it when my flip-flops get wet and squishy and slippery. It was $17.99. I only found out when I got home that it was on sale for $10-some. If I had known, I would have bought the bright red ones, too. =)
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$160 for two nice purses is good. I just spent $200 for one purse. I feel like it is a Cadillac. I had to have a bigger purse so I could fit all of Mom's supplies in it. I got a good heavy construction purse that will last 20 years. I'm rough on purses, so I always look for something that will hold up. The modern boho chic look is perfect for us old hippie chicks.

I remember a time when I could get all of my school clothes for the year for what I paid for this purse. Scary.
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I heard from Ms. V... a very short email, saying she was back in the hospital from her feeding tube being plugged up, adjustment to BP meds and fluid on her lungs.... but did say she wanted to still hear about my 'dysfunctional life."...so the sense of humor is coming back... she is very weak and understandably a little down.... so if ya'll are still posting on her wall, I will remind her to at least read it.... so that is the update.... prayers for our sweet lady....
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