This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
But, now with your mild heart attack... I couldn't believe that you had one! And how very fortunate that you were at the clinic when it happened. They were able to catch it and send you to the ER. You know,most women get the signs of a heart attack but it's not like the men's symptoms. We tend to shrug it off as stress. So, you were very, very fortunate! I don't see this as coincidence. Divine intervention - because you have done so much good to others, that God made sure you had your mild attack in a medical facility.
Something similar happened to me. Dizzy spells all the time. I went to the clinic for severe stomach pain (undiagnosed complex ovarian cysts). At the end of my appointment on my way out of the room behind the doctor, I had another dizzy spell. I felt myself falling and couldn't block my fall because I had no control of my body. Since I was looking up as I was walking out, my head remained in that position as I was falling. I saw the nurse eyes widened and screamed as she saw me falling. As I continued to fall, I saw the doctor quickly turn around, before I slammed onto the wall. The doctor reached me before I fell to the floor. THAT was when we discovered my heart sounded awful. From a scale of 1 to 7, 7 being the worse, it was a 6. I don't think that was coincidence. Just as I don't think yours happening at the clinic was a coincidence. Someone up there - is looking after us. Of course, YOU got the message and getting out of caregiving. {{frowning}} I'm stubborn and foolhardy, and still caregiving despite the wake-up call.
I'm just so glad that you caught yours in time. I'm really, really glad. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
I can't remember nor have the patience to scroll backwards to find the 2nd book.
By the way, via a recommendation from another poster, the $4.00 hardcover book "August - by Judith Rossner - finally came in. I ordered it in 26Aug, and I finally got it today, 30Sep. Hmmm. Seller described it as Very Good. Ha! Liar, exaggerator. The cover was torn. It reminds of how a paper looks after a cockroach has eaten the portion of it. So, I took off the cover.
You know, I never got to finish reading "Love Never Sleeps by Mary Summer Rain" . A book of the writer's friend and her mother's journey through Alz. Can you believe her friends siblings objected to her adding a room for her mom when she moved in? They only had 2 bedrooms and it was one for each roommate. Doesn't this remind you of some of the siblings we read here? They don't want her to spend their mom's money for their mom's sake.
Did end up going to ER, the pressure on my chest continued to worsen, so called my son and off we went... this is so hard to explain, I just didn't feel like myself.... I am 'body aware' and this was just different... they did the requisite blood tests and chest Xray, asked 12 million questions. I do have an appt with a cardiologist next month, if things get worse, the appt will be moved up.
I woke up so tired yesterday, but it was a different kind of tired, again, hard to explain..... and as the day wore on just felt worse and worse... and don't think I haven't thanked God a million times for being in the Dr's office when it happened....I just pray I wasn't 'saved' for more caregiving..... lol.... that would be a punishment... but think I will be taking some of the awesome talent of mine and applying it to myself now....lol.
Hopefully there will be medications to take care of this, as cutting on Ladee is not an option , at least not now.... so I am going to take my exhausted butt back to bed. Love you all, and thanks for prayers and love and support... It means more to me than words in a forum... hope you all know that...will keep ya'll updated.... if you don't hear from me, only means I am sleeping... hugs and chocolate!!!! I told the Dr that chocolate was Caregivers Crack.... we couldn't function without it..... love to all.
Breakfast is going to be late.
So glad you are better, with sense of humor intact, Ladee1.
Hope you are doing better and will be home again soon!
Ladee, you must nap as much as you want!
LadeeC
Moonflower, ask the OT to help her/show her how to bathe.. they can and should. after all, its part of activity of daily living. Good luck!!
So, am feeling better, a ways to go in the resting department.... but my bed thinks I have become it's new best friend.....lol.... so each and every one of you are so special in my heart... I don't have to know you personally to appreciate what you do every day, and night..... we are not alone... one of these days, we are going to have a Caregiver Convention.... wouldn't that just be awesome... we would be the ones with sweats on, chocolate around our mouth and dripped on our shirts, ratty hair because going to the salon is such a far fetched idea most of us never even think of it....and wrinkles, not only on our faces, but our clothes too.... we have no idea how to dress anymore.... and sorry, my comfort is one thing I won't give up and could care less what others think..... so hope to meet some of you someday...... if not here, then in Caregiver Heaven, cause I absolutely believe there is such a place , reserved just for us... thanks to you all... feeling better today.... so lots to be grateful for.... ya'll are included in that list... hugs to everyone, and boxes of Caregiver Crack to all those that want some.....
I came home late from work at 7:30pm. Microwaved my dinner while chopping up my avocados, and taking out some hot (hot pepper) pickled papaya that Uncle makes so delicious.
The new caregiver will start this Saturday. I saw how yucky our sink is and how stuffed our fridge is with 'old food'. Right after eating, I tackled the sink. The left side of the sink haven't been clean in months. The drain strainer was stuck. Poured dish soap, pulled hard on the middle thingy - and broke it. Drano finally worked to unclog the hardened sides. While clearing out the fridge, I realized that I haven't came on here to read the current update. (Referring to you, Ladee.) I almost left my cleaning undone. But had more self control. I hate cleaning and I would have conveniently forgotten to finish where I left off.
Okay, 9pm and dad keeps yelling out. He wants his pamper change now. Gotta go.
I've been struggling lately with my depression. Last week was kind of bad. I rarely pray to God - guilty conscience, etc... But it got so bad, I started to pray to Him 2 mornings in a row. I have learned in the past, that when I pray to Him and use his name, the elder and his wife will drop by. I was open to them - regretted learning the Bible (because that's how I ended up caregiving - 'honor your father and your mother'), how the past few weeks been bad - struggling with the suicide thoughts (more like fantasies on how many ways I've killed myself), etc...
Wife said that I needed a vacation. I said that I did. Problem is - that whenever I travel - like Hawaii, Colorado and now Virginia, that 3 days before I return home, I get depress. Then when I come home, the depression gets really bad. I'm so surprised that the elder did not put any pressure on me.
Now that They are going through caregiving his parents, they're finally realizing what I went through 23-24 years ago. It seems others of my religion are now caregivers. Because of this, so many must have expressed feeling so bad that they lost patience with their 'loved ones' and got mad at them. When he said this, I was sooooo relieved. All this time, when dad & I had our famous yelling matches, I felt such a terrible Christian. You know - the fruitage of the spirit stuff. I'm just so relieved.
Sorry, I'm suddenly tired. I'm going to sleep now.
Veronica - double and triple Hugs to you {{{{{{ !!! HUGS !!!}}}}}
Book, we ALL get impatient.... we all raise our voices, we all slam a door, we all cry out of frustration.... it is called being HUMAN.... yes , it says honor our mother and father, but says nothing about being a martyr while doing it..!!! We put so much pressure on our self to do this perfectly, like cyborgs with no emotion..... In my case, I don't get to raise my voice or slam a door.... not professional... and it's killing me.... just like it is so many of us on here... there are no magic answers...
Even if we place our loved ones...we run our self crazy making sure they are being taken care of... that their hearing aids aren't hanging on the Christmas tree as a decoration and their teeth aren't in someone else s mouth.... that someone two wings over aren't wearing their clothes...that their shoes aren't being worn by the people taking care of them... and the list goes on...
That they are being changed in a reasonable amount of time, their meds are being given ON TIME....it is a different kind of nightmare to place them... so what do we do....we just kill our self trying to do for them....How did this all begin... and I loathe the people who come on here and dare to compare our situations with the WALTONS.... how do we know if those women weren't banging their heads against the wall, they aren't screaming at the elder to EAT... to get their hands out of their pants !!! We don't know...because they didn't have the internet to have a support group to tell them they are loved and appreciated for every d*nmed sacrifice they make....so we do the best we can.. we try to learn from each other... we support those whose health is going down the tubes.We encourage those that are so exhausted they can not think and they have no joy in their lives. All I know for sure, is that I am beyond grateful to have a place to come and not pretend to be a long suffering WALTON....
Yes, I am angry at myself for letting things get this bad... I have known for years I need to get out of this business.... but I look up and see exhausted, confused families that don't know where to start , and I am off and running again....
All I know is there damned well better be a special place for us in Heaven....we are all so tired....
Ok, off my soap box for today..... I have sacrificed enough... I am done.... love and hugs to you all.
My brother and wife came in town this week, so we got the family together -- 14 of us. So I am trying to plan dinner, buy food and supplies, while all the time having a mother walking around like death, needing to go to the hospital. The big family day was yesterday, so I was grateful today was going to be some down time. But no. Mom woke up needing to go to the hospital.
I have already made a plan that if she really needs to go to the hospital, I am going to try to get her admitted and then go for a stint in rehab. If nothing else, this will give me some time away from the drama. I try to distance myself from the drama, but it takes a toll.
The lady I care for is such a d*mned Diva... always always always needing to be the center of attention, constantly needing reassurance about every minute thing she accomplishes...and the stroke didn't bring on these behaviors... they have always been there... the family babies her,is at her beck and call, and expects me to do the same.... nope...when she asks permission to get off the toilet, I am usually at my breaking point.. The other day she was mad that her husband and I talked a few minutes without her being there.... believe me, when she got up to go to the bathroom , she was pickin' em up and puttin' em down....no prompts... walked right in that bathroom, pulled her own pants down and was scowling at me the whole time....gets up, pulls up her pants, washes her hands and stomps back to her chair.... the funny part.... as she was turning around to set down.... she realized what she had done... then in her whiney voice said, 'no one tried to help me'.... whine whine.... sorry, but both her husband and I laughed, which made her even madder.... and I get to go home !!! But nothing but dread facing me as I am getting ready to go to work... and it is WORK....
When I read about people who need respite so bad they are falling apart, and the parent refuses.... well, take them anyway..... I just don't understand this 'kill myself' mentality... and so many women are so narcissistic that they could care less if you are about to drop dead.....I can't answer others issues, but I sure as h*ll know what I am going to do about mine......
Do I advocate putting all the elders in a NH, of course not... but at what point do we say NO, I AM TAKING A BREAK....
Told a friend of mine today that I had had a mild heart attack.... her answer,,, oh I hope you don't quit caregiving, you are so good at it.... What does that even mean?????? I just stood there and looked at her, because she was sooo not ready for all that was going thru my mind....I wanted to tell her to come do my work for a week, the way I do it, and I will set on the couch and watch, and we'll see how she feels about it after a week, much less after 23 years....H*ll, if I worked as a garbage pick up person for that long, I'd be good at that too... people are so stupid they make me tired....
So take her to the hospital Jessie....and tell them not to call you unless it is an end of life emergency..... when do we get a turn???? When we TAKE it..... it is not going to be handed to us....We can whine and p*ss and moan until the end of time.... and no one is going to take care of us but US..... so pick your pain folks, the pain of the guilt we have to work thru, or death... cause this sh*t is killing us.... and PLEASE, do no one person come on here as a rebuttal and give me some BS about 'owing' them.....