This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ladee, resting up was for you.
Why am I falling asleep here, mid-morning, just after coffee?
And yes Sendme... I really am resting... I have gone part time on my job... which has helped a lot....just can not get my self crazy over loss of pay, won't matter anyway if I end up really sick or die.... so have really worked on a different perspective on things..... and thank you for thinking of me..... going to take a nap right now, as a matter of fact.... hugs to you and thanks again...
This audio has helped me a lot in being able to put what you all advice in writing - into verbal, hearing advice. It's easier to maintain new thoughts if you Hear It (compared to reading it. But I did buy the ebook for the more detailed information.)
The most important thing to believe is that whatever life I'm in, experiencing, circumstances, emotional reactions to people/events - is completely 100% MY choice. I chose to stay home to help the parents. Just as my subconscious chose to blank out my childhood. Where I am now in life, is what I chose to be. It's not my parents, nor my siblings...
Did you know that Self Doubt is disliking myself? Rejecting myself, putting myself down, finding fault with myself. I need to learn to accept my body, my mind. It's all I have. I don't think I really have a problem with my physical appearance ....other than my gray hair, and that balding spot on the top of my front head, and the belly sticking out... okay... I admit, I Do have to work on accepting myself 'as is.' =) Hey, I'm prepared. I already ordered since last year a wig - for when the time comes and I only have wispy hair. I've even had a goal to google how to use that turban - if I don't feel like wearing the wig....
Did you know that when a person dislikes himself, he becomes a burden to others? He's never happy, does not know how to be happy, and so looks to others to make him happy. When things go wrong, he blames others. Just doesn't know how to enjoy life. Do I dislike myself? I don't think so. I may hate my life but I don't hate me. I don't dislike me. I chose to be in this situation, so it's my choosing to be here.
Self-Rejection ... oh my, this is My shortcoming! I will need to replay this audio a little bit more. Get it into my head that it's a no-no. And how to recognize it, and how to react when it happens.... Definitely - audio is soooo much better than reading! Have to go now. Dad wants his pamper changed. He BM a lot - according to him.
Anyway ... YAY for you!! It doesn't matter HOW you get it .. just that you did! Wooohoo! It's a massive step toward self-realization. We are ever so much more available to others when we know who and what we are. Otherwise, everyone is just guessing: "what do they want from me?" "how can I give them what I think they want from me?"
For me, at the moment, it means: I'm tapped out. I can't give any more without getting something in return. My reserves are empty. (Never a good thing.) It's time for me to replenish my resources. So, I'm having to put big ol' "EMPTY" signs all over me. It's a tough one to admit, but if I don't I'll be drained to death. Literally. And I ain't ready for that. No. I. Am. NOT.
{{{hugs}}}
I don't know who said this, LadeeC may know, 'when the student is ready, the teacher appears'.... so you have 'heard 'all this, but now it makes sense, it is being presented in a way you understand and can internalize it....
I can't begin to express my happiness that you are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel....so many pieces of the puzzle will start to fall in place for you. Just owning that we make our choices.... sometimes uninformed choices, but ours, nonetheless,it also gives us the personal power to change our mind.... or to do things differently..... See what being 'grateful' did for you!!!! Opened all kinds of doors.... lol... you know I'm kidding here... in your own way you seek your answers... there are no rights, wrongs, good or bads,,, it simply means we finally understand our life has purpose and meaning....so sending you all kinds of uncomfortable hugs , with a big smile on my face.... love you very much Book.... very much.
My brother was my rock when (came home and stayed) my dad was dying and supported me as much as he can with visits and calls from Germany.
The bike he has is my dad's who made an 800 mile journey when he turned 60. Shipped it over with him last summer. It was bro's goal in life with his diagnosis. His dream is shattered.
I feel so awful for him. He fell over three times on the road to Paris. Is in awful pain, lost his jacket, on and on.
His dream is over. He'll be taking a train from Strassbourg tomorrow to home.
To face, what? My heart is broken by this.
Two continents because I'll certainly want to see my brother again. How is the question with mom and I swore to never let the TSA image my tushie.
My mother loved him best always. I understand that as I have a son.
Good to see you back.
Pam, I smiled when you said you had a major haircut and color. I just love it when I get a haircut. Actually, having the salon do a hair wash is sooooo relaxing. Very hard not to fall asleep while they wash my hair. I even love the warm, hot and then cold rinse. Very invigorating. I’m so glad that you also enjoyed your time with your friend.
Yoga, I would have thought the same as you – make an appointment on the same day. Now we know….
Hi Windy. I felt sad as I read about your brother. Shattered dream with your dad’s bike. I’m sure you would love to visit him. TSA… it’s not so bad. Get a passport and wish like h*ck that YOU are not chosen to do the xray machine. I finally got chosen to do this. Sucks. I sure hope they adjusted the machine to NOT sure your body too accurately. This is such a tiny island. If you can, I think it would be great if you visit your brother. Don’t keep putting it off – until it’s too late. Check your area if there’s any airfare specials. December and early January is a bad time to travel – Xmas season and they all hike up the airfares. {{Hugs}}
Ladee1, {{{HUGS}}} you know me. I see all these advices but don’t do anything – unless I must. Or comprehend it. Trust me, the audio book was replayed over and over – every 2 or 3 sentences he spoke. I was purposely burning his advice into my head. When I have time, I’d like to share the one that really hit me last night. The Self Rejection. I never thought that what I did automatically – was rejecting myself. I have to really think about this. Earlier, I found a thread that I commented on 2013. Read some praises to me. I read it, smiled it, and quietly said, “Thank you.” I’m not self-rejecting me – by not accepting the praise. Sigh… See, I learned something. And am applying it….
I found a paid caregiver, Ruth, that I’ve been searching for her profile in a long time. She gave some great advice. I read her “On my mind’ posts from the beginning. I miss her. She was really wonderful to her clients.
I am a small business owner. I gave up my full time job with healthcare and other benefits to start my business when I got laid off. Was I scared? You bet I was. But I felt pushed by some deep internal force to do so - 2 yrs later, my dad passed away and I had to move in with mom to take care of her - so the reason I felt pushed to start my own business made itself clear at that point.
Anyway...when the AHCA came into being, I resisted it tooth and nail. I hated the idea of being forced to sign up for health insurance that I couldn't afford, and being fined if I didn't. I didn't sign up the first year. The 2nd year, I did, because I felt I should have health insurance, and figured I would just have to bite the bullet and try to find a way to afford it. $350 a month for the policy I needed in order to get the ONE prescription I take on a regular basis and not have to pay out the backside for office visits, etc, or have a huge deductible. I made the first payment, then Mom fell, and things spiralled downhill from there. So I no longer have health insurance.
Fast forward to last weekend, after spending almost a week in agony with a dental abcess coupled with a respiratory infection, all home treatments that normally work for infection failed...I finally went to the walk in clinic and paid $71 to spend 5 minutes with a wet-behind-the-ears physician's assistant so I could get an antibiotic, which was FREE at the local big box store pharmacy. (Oh, and the topper? The PA told me to "save your money for some dental work because this abcess will probably come back". I wanted to kick him. I can't afford insurance...I'm stuck paying the excess on Mom's NH bill...plus my own bills...how the heck do you think I'm going to "save money" for dental work? Sure, that's REAL high on the list right now.)
While I was at the desk checking out, the phone rang, and the receptionist answered and discussed the charges to be seen at the clinic with the caller. She asked if they had insurance, and they must have said yes, because she told them it was $110 co-pay for them to come in - and then proceeded to tell them that if they didn't have insurance it would be $71.
Now what the heck is wrong with THAT picture?? I don't have insurance. I get a 40% discount and pay $71 to be seen at the walk-in, spend 5 mins with the doc and get a FREE prescription. Someone who pays an insurance premium every month, likely has a big deductible to satisfy as well, and needs urgent care...they have to pay $110!
...and they wonder why people hate this system.
So needless to say, I don't have insurance now...and won't, until I can get a handle on all these bills I'm suddenly responsible for.
The sun was shining today though and the autumn trees are gorgeous! Trying to remain present with all the good in my life. I wish you all a little blessing in your life today for being good people that do a REALLY hard job.
She still needs our prayers, but according to her husband it lifts her spirits to know so many love her and are checking on her.... so pass the word.... thanks everyone... sorry it was not better news, but she is still with us and for that we are grateful.....
Our company of 3 - our medical insurance would be very high. I think my share would cover my 1 paycheck. So, what my boss did was join our company with his partner's auto companies - which is large. So, now, all we pay is about $160/month per person (and not over $600/month).