The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Thank you both for your imput. Mom was living with my sister, so she does not have a home ,but she has beautiful clothes, and just boxes of her stuff, you know everyone has their stuff. I guess packing and storing would be a good idea. I know my sister wants the room back so she can use it, her house is small, i get it. Maybe my real problem is Im having trouble excepting the fact that shes not coming home.

Got through the shed yesterday, everything is back in my house now. Inckuding the picture I was so worried about. A large on, 24x36 of my mom as a early teenager with her older, long deceased sister, looking over her shoulder during a knitting class at Gimbels. I am so relieved! It is very smoke damaged, colors were not that good to begin with, but it can now be restored!

So happy you didnt lose that precious memory!

Well done glad. I am now on my third sale and fourth purchase - fallen through seems to be the word of the year for me BUT hopeful again and it all must happen for a reason this apartment is much nicer and has a garden and a garage so no storing my junk in a tiny apartment I now have a whole garage for it all!!!

I am just praying this one goes through OK because if not I might just shoot meself.......after I shoot whoever makes it fail ...again!

Jude, do your best to ignore the whole process until you've exchanged, completed, moved in and changed the locks. Otherwise that way madness lies :(

Finally, internet and tv in my house after rescheduling six times! But, now I am back where I have been for five months, back down south on Monday I think, for the duration. I am tired, and worn out. Dog to vet tomorrow.

Oh! I found something that has been missing for at least eight years! My MIL and I sewed a beautiful baptism gown for my middle child. When my daughters had their children baptised, I so badly wanted to find that gown! It had been worn by two of mine and two of my nephews. Nowhere to be found. This drove me nutty for a very long time. I will have to change my avatar once I email the picture to myself. It is looking a bit rough as it has probably been in the bag I found it in for thirty years or so. My how time passes!

That's Nice Gladimhere, you will probably find a whole bunch of neat things, when you really dig into it all, like a treasure hunt!

The size of this treasure hunt is scary and intimidating!

Oh I would love to be there helping in your 'treasure hunt'. Nothing I love better than digging thru boxes... even if they aren't mine....That's what I do at thrift stores and yard sales.... all the good stuff is stuck in boxes under the tables.... have found some interesting things thru the years...... but happy you found the dress and the picture Glad... and very happy you are almost home.

Almost home, it has been more than four years! Ladee, please come help me. It snows here though.

Today is a calm day in my house. It is nice.

I will go help you Glad.....and the snow won't bother me because I will be busy looking thru boxes and helping you get the house set up... and then I will clean and dust and mop and have dinner ready when you get home from your imaginary job...... I will do all this for you because if I do not get it thru my head I HAVE to quit my job, it won't matter if it's snowing or the sun is shining.....so let me know when you will have the coffee ready, and I'll be on my way....

Well, I was slapped on my arm four times today and heard the following, multiple times:

You cannot rent my beach house because you cannot take care of it. (I have maintained my own home for 30+ years, alone, 3000 miles away. She trusts my cousin more than me. The cousin that is being evicted by her brother.)

You don't know how to do anything except sleep and eat.

You would die without Facebook. (Insulting)

Shut up and go to your room!!!! in the loudest nastiest voice imaginable...while the real estate agent was here, trying to close the sale for a commission asap. I stood up for her and got now he is working for maximum land value.

YOu can't you can't you can't...

She admires the lady down the street who has lived alone for 10 years, but continually emotionally abuses her own daughter who has managed alone for 30-plus years, 3000 miles away.

"you just want attention"...yes I do. I want positive attention because all i hear from her EVERY SINGLE DAY

... is emotionally abusive, hurtful screamed comments running down my character and abilities and appearance,my WORTH to her, which is NOTHING. I hate this more than I can express. I am being punished for all of the things my brother put her through: drug addition, arrests, firearms violitions, active alcoholism, domestic abuse, left his family because of drug addiction. He is dead now because she enabled him to his grave. and now I get the blame. I am a straight-arrow Accountant. She continually hates that I have an answer for everything== that I am so capable. She assigned POA and Executor of my pparents Will to my brother when he was in active cocaine addiction. This. is. hell. Today she said, again, for the one-millionth time that she was putting me back on the plane for my home. I said I wanted to rerturn to my home-- that I cannot take this abuse anymore. I broke down and started to cry. She mocked me...'oh so pitiful...she is '''eeemmoootional' , then the clapped and shoujted 'hurrah' said she would clap and applaude and shout "BYE" when I got on the plane. My Mother. Good job, 'Mother'. I cook. I clean her nastiness that she is too privileged0=-- has always been to 'creative' to clean. My father did all of the work around the house. She was sat in front of the TV set, barking out orders. He had affairs of the heart and otherwise. She screamed throughout my 24 years here. I was a mess due to all of the hatred and animosity in this 'home'. but you should witness her show wjen others are around.I remember being in public thinking that perhaps things had changed. but no. as soon as she was back with us in private the tirades and abuse would commence within minutes. no peace. no recess. literally. i ran away from home at 24. I wold have died to avoid coming back to this house. but here I am because everyone else has passed on, including my brother. i am all she has, and she treats me like poop on her shoes. i cannot have a pleasant discussion no matter how I approach it or what I say. I hugged her today and she did not hug me back. just scowls. and stiff body which said...leave me alone. do not touch me. but she loves my cousin and is convinced that she will care for her precious beach home with the mouldy carpet she will not acknowledge is moldy. she is certainly in a dream world of denial of everything that is real and beset with problems. the only problemin her world is her good-for-nothing lazy, fat, stupid, attention-seeking, daughter. She always said when we were growing up of my brother and me: "Sam and Danielle' like we were devil children. everything is someone elses fault. she is perfect. there is no being responsible for anything in her life. there is no accountability to herself for problems that have always existed. she is perfect. everything that is bad is our fault. i cannto take itt anymore. i am so sick of people who will not take responsibility of their own mental illness. I do. I see the doctor. I take my crappy pills. I TRY not to burden my loved ones with my mental challenges-- my anxiety, anger, etc. Not her. In frustration today I said to her to take a pill. she growled back...I don't take pills.....to which I replied, 'right. you don't take pills, insteead torturing those around you so that THEY must take the pills. Very reponsible. Very Kind. very very hateful and self-centered and frankly abusive an attitude when there are obviously problems for 60 years in her family. We are here to serve her. We are like the help. She is the pampered queen of the world and we are everything she despises and hates. This is not a family. This is the queendom of Narcisisstic abuse and slavedom.

AND to conclude, I would like to say that the elderly abusing caregivers is a pet peeve of mine.I believe some do it out of self-pity for themselves. Poor Poor me. I am dying and I had my whole life to prepare for this eventuality but I IGNORED my responsibilites to my loved ones, and I hate myself for doing so, so I will take it out on my loved ones because an offence is the best defence. They sure have reason to be angry that I am not managing my last days in a more responsible way-- that I have not set up situations where my loved-ones can focus on the love I have for them and the love they have for me, But I have ignored my responsibilities, and now all I can do is be the meanest most demanding person imaginable, and abuse my coworker to the point that she will never be employable in the future because she will be too sick to work after putting up with all of the abuse. I can play the dementia/old age card and get away with anything and everything and leave my loved ones to pick up the pieces, because after all, I AM dyyyying... and even though I had a lifetime to learn about the death process, to arrange a peaceful passing, I will instead lash out, and blame everyone else for all my of problems and aches and pains and eventual death. Real admirable. Now I know why many elderly do not get the respect they do not deserve. Elderly should not be respected for living lives of misery and abuse, slowly killing those around them with their hatred and animosity and abuse...just because they can.

My mother cut me off financially two days ago when I said I needed $49, for my health insurance policy. Capriciously said that I would get no more money from her-- she was tired of being taken advantage of. I go to be before her. rarely have friends over and when I do it is as if she is jealous, running them down about their southern accent or some such nonsence. I cook meals. Nutritious meals. She eats spoiled chicken salad \\she leaves chicken out all night to thaw and does not understand that a chicken breast can be thawed in the fridge safely. there is a used diaper hanging in the laundry room full of 'something' I did not closely inspect, obviously used, and she insists she is not drying it to reuse it. She screams about me doing a load of laundry. She screams about me cooking. She doesnot want me to leave in the car--ever1!!!She screams
get a job, so confusing. so heartbreaking for me becaue my health is declining. i am having heart symptoms. she thinks her life is fine. that she does not need me here. we shall see. she continually tells me i am disowned and I have never done anything mean or irresponsible to her other than defend myself, withmy words, when she makes these accusations. She gets all of the help. I get all of the abuse. In my opinion, this situation should be for the professionals-- Professionals who are well-paid and well-educated about this type of ageing and behaviour. It is NoT ME. I get nothing. I am poor as a church mouse. Tired. disgusted. full of resentment and anger due to this situation. she is on cloud nine. she has a slave and someone who is at her beck and call and does not have to compensate because she can capriciously accuse me of doing nothing. I hate old people.I really do.there I've said it. they're emotionally abusive because they can be and everyone feels so empathetic because after all 'theyre old'. well so what? I will get old. No one will help me. Or at least I will not be surprise if no one helps me. I will be thrown into an old age home-- good or bad, theyre all the same. EXcept, I have spent a lifetime preparing for the day. and I will NOT abuse my caregivers and I will not demand that my children keep me home and put up wiith my dementia or whatever and if I do, believe me I will make every attempt to control it with pills if my doctor thinks it is beneficial.That is because some people love others. some people do not. and I am OH SO disappointed that my own mother belongs to this second class of individuals who simply only care for themselves and everyone can take a flying leap for all she cares.

No recess, I am a bit confused. You say you are an accountant? Or were you and accountant, or do you mean you do mom's finances? Why are you taking this crap? If your cousin is such a saint let her have mom, the sooner the better, Get your career back on track and get the heck out. See what she crys then,,, and really... why do you still care? She sounds like quite the monster to me, and you deserve better. I can;t imagine a mother CHARGING her daughter to use her vacation home.. except she is most likely afraid to not have you around to abuse!

I had an epiphany last night..... I think because my client before this one, was a dream client.. I love her still and miss her more... but she gave me something that I have never received in my long career as a paid caregiver. Unconditional love. Something I have never experienced. I know I did a lot of healing of my own family dynamics when I was with her... and I really wanted her to be my last client so I could leave this profession with good memories.
I take full ownership of being pulled into this last job.... I hit a bad depression after Gma died (that's what she wanted me to call her)... it lasted for three months. Burn out, lost so many clients thru the years, some I loved dearly, and never had time to grieve before going to the next job.....so I know I wasn't really thinking straight or what was good for me when I took this last job.
I take my own family dynamics in with me when I have a job.... and then I learn the families dynamics.... the epiphany came, when one more time, I was made the 'scapegoat'. Won't go into the whole story, just suffice to say I was doing my job and once again, I was negated and made to look bad.
But for the first time ever, other than being angry, I did not go down the rabbit hole of shame....I went outside to smoke, to calm down, and then started listing in my mind all the things I do for this woman, and I could feel myself being lifted from going down that path again....
So realizing that so many times thru all these years, I have been 'triggered' by something, and not taking the time, or having the time, to see what old feeling it brought up....I have PTSD and have been working on my 'triggers' for quite awhile now....
NOW I know why I am always so stressed, and anxious and hyper-vigilant .. I was thinking the other day, when was the last time I was truly happy....And discovered that was almost 25 years ago !!!! When I was working with troubled boys and getting to see some of them really get it ,that they were loved and important, and had purpose. They were so challenging....but that has been and will always be my most favorite job in my life.
So I realize now, that doing the work I do, consciously or unconsciously, I have been going in to change my own family dynamics. ha, it doesn't work that way...
But am so clear now about why I have stayed with this thankless job for so long, and now can see a light at the end of the tunnel.....
I am giving them notice Monday. There will be a lot of drama, and I do dread that part. But Fri was my last day to be expected to be a robot with no feelings. Just be the dutiful caregiver and do my job.... what ever that may mean to them at any given time....
Then I understood so many of you and your abject exhaustion.... to be in a situation where your childhood is played over and over again every single day.... and no tools to deal with it....my heart breaks for how tired, angry and anxious you are all the time... I have lived it most of my life.....
But now it is MY turn, and it doesn't matter if the family or anyone else understands that I will not do this anymore....
Don't know if this made sense or not.... but I know what I am saying and I knew I had to post it to the place that has kept me together for so many years....I'm not going anywhere as far as AC is concerned. But have set myself free of being the victim at work.... I don't do 'victim' very well, so guess that is why I have worked so hard on understanding what my life is about..Love all those that have been here for me thru the years and thru the good times and bad.

Ladee, I've re-read your words like 3 times this morning as I laid in bed trying not to get up too early. I do a lot of self-reflections but not as deeply as you do. Your words are such an eye-opener. I couldn't help but reflect your words, to my situation. I'm touched by your words. And I agree. I'm still fine - with caregiving dad. He has not pushed me to the point-of-no-return. I'm just getting so much gray hair between him and oldest sis. You will do what you need to do. Yes, please take a few months to recover, to mourn all those you've loved. I still think it's best that when you're ready, to find a part-time job, or volunteer part-time. As we all know, an inactive mind can lead to early onset of dementia. =)
{{{{HUGS}}}}

I spent several hours this morning trying to find a Kindle. I tried to order a brand new one with Amazon. Of course, I knew they won't mail it to me. International address. I finally found a Used Kindle, year 2013, for under $100.00. One time used (supposedly.) My kindle, 2012, is dimming. And freezing. I do believe it's giving signs of the death throes of an electronic device. I fervently hope that the seller is an Honest seller.

I could have ordered from Amazon and have it mailed to my sibs in the states. When I was in VA, bro offered for me to pack my stuff and his GF will mail it to me. She did not automatically second his offer. So, I got the Hint. I packed as much as I could on my 1 suitcase, and threw away all excess. Why give her my excess when she obviously didn't want to mail my stuff back? I may not say much, but I am observant. Hence I'm so torn about going next year to visit bro and GF.

Although I had so much fun, the 'dynamics' between her, bro and me is just very uncomfortable. Although, I will admit that that alone makes me want to go visit them next year! Knowing that she hates it when bro and I are close and can enjoy ourselves without her around. BUT, I want to really enjoy my vacation - and don't feel like between torn between them.

This morning, I reminded myself to Google on things to do in Colorado Springs area and Norfolk. This time, next year, I will have some goals - if they're willing - on some Free stuff one can do. Later! I have sooo much to do today...

Bookluvr, cannot quite understand the international address dilemma. Can you shop from International sellers? Or, would a pre-paid credit card help in some way? My husband say to find someone with an APO address (military/gov't) and have your stuff sent there. He also advises to buy a new kindle, and stop shopping from private sellers who know nothing about international addresses vs. U.S. territories.
Of course, all this is over my head. Sorry you cannot get good stuff mailed to you.

Book, try "some kind of a hard reset, restoring factory settings with your old kindle." At least try telling this to your computer fixer, if you have one.
Asking my husband seems to bother him, but other times he is so sweet and generous about my questions for others. Private message me anytime and I will try to get some helpful answers for you., from this geek computer expert of mine.

Thanks, Send. I usually prefer to buy brand new when it comes to electronics. Which I tried with Amazon directly but they won't send it. So, the only other way to get the Kindle is via the USED option. Each individual seller decides if they want to sell only to domestic or international buyers. It's difficult to find sellers willing to send to international. This seller has a one-time used - compared to the other seller who had to Replace the screen! I want to try the one-time used Kindle. If it try it, and it doesn't work as I think it should for a one-time used, then I will request for refund.

Amazon, Barnes & Noble and Walmart - no longer sends electronic devices overseas to our area. Due to the USPS that no lithium be sent by mail. They have decided to not send Anything with lithium batteries in it. I have asked the USPS about this rule. They said that the rule is against sending Just Lithium batteries...Not Lithium batteries in cell phones, ereaders, etc...

This is from the USPS website:
Lithium Batteries Collapse FAQ question
Only lithium cells and batteries that are properly installed in the equipment they are intended to operate may be sent internationally or to APO/FPO/DPO locations if not restricted or prohibited by the destination country. Lithium batteries packed with, but not installed in, equipment and lithium batteries sent separate from equipment are prohibited. Damaged or recalled batteries are prohibited and may not be mailed internationally under any circumstances.

According their website and the USPS I spoke to, you can send an electronic device with lithium because the Device itself is keeping the lithium battery stable. The agent said that the lithium batteries are unstable when it's Not installed in a device. But try telling this to Amazon, BN and Walmart.

I don't want to do a factory reset on my kindle. I have too many notes on my notebook. And I've downloaded so many books NOT from Amazon. (Sideloaded some ebooks.) I have notes on all these books. I will continue to use the kindle until it dies... I want another kindle to start transferring stuff from the old to the 'new' one with the notes (medical history, car repair history, ebooks read and love the authors, etc...).

Ok ya'll, wish me luck giving my resignation tomorrow......... hope there isn't a lot of drama, and will simply tell them my body can no longer do this. That is true. Will not go into all the other stuff.. it's done and over with. Will let them know I will try to stay until they find someone else... if it takes too long, well, I am leaving anyway.
I have felt more like myself today than I have in a very long time.... I think it's called 'happiness', hmmm, not sure, been so long... hugs to all of you and thanks for listening to me...

Ladee, {{{Hugs}}} of support!

I've been reading a lot of self-help books, ex-therapy and Ladee with the running theme of 'gratefulness.'

I read daily the 'power of positive' quotes. Today, it's:
Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction.
Break the habit.
Talk about your joys. (by Rita Schiano)

Joys? I'm not sure what joy is. But something happened today that made me feel good. Remember that big client company I'm handling? They're suppose to rotate on travel agencies - every 3 months. October was our last month. November - they're suppose to go to the next travel agency on their list. One of the department actually called us and asked if it was okay if they came to us. I said yes (because my boss already chewed me out last week when I told the same coordinator that they're doing the agency rotation and November is the new agency.).

It's funny, but when I first started handling them 3 months ago, I had to 'educate' almost all of them about making reservations. I don't know how the other agencies used to do it. But I tell the clients up front that what I quote to them is always subject to change unless they purchase the ticket. They always seem surprise when I tell them that I cannot reserve the airline reservation without a name. What's worse, they wanted me to put a fictitious name and then do a name change. I refuse. I tell them that as soon as they give me the traveler's names, I will book it. When finalized, I assign seats. According to the airline, a lot of the travel agents don't assign seats for their clients. They even call the airline to assign it for them! {{shaking my head.}}

Conclusion, my services these past 3 months must be exceptional enough that that one department coordinator prefers to come to me to book her VIP bookings around Thanksgiving. So, that is my 'joy' for today. That a client would still prefer to come to me to do her department's VIP bookings instead of the next travel agent. =)

P.S... I spent like 2 hours on the phone making long distance phone calls trying to put back a client's Hawaiian Airlines flight cancellations. United INSISTED that the travel agent cancelled it. I said no, I came in this morning and it was already cancelled. He was friendly in the beginning. But the more I insisted that I didn't cancel it, and he insisted that we did, he became not so friendly. We hung up. I called our computer Help Desk who was able to read our client's reservation history. She said that United cancelled the flights. So, I then called Hawaiian Airlines. The agent said that the SYSTEM cancelled it - she cannot tell who. But that she cannot reinstate it - only UA can reinstate it since it's UA's ticket. In frustration, I emailed our local UA agent and asked if they can re-instate HA flights. And he did. FYI, I did go to our local UA agent but she said that HA cancelled it!

After this, I got a call from another large client, that I need to get his employee to Funafuti by Saturday! Have any of you know how hard it is to get anyone to Funafuti? There's only one way to get there - via Nadi (Fiji) and then fly to Suva and then Funafuti. The problem is the Suva-Funafuti is almost always sold out! The best that I can do - is for the employee to arrive there next week on Thursday! I finally left work at 6:45pm - and it was dark outside. This time, I brought my flashlight and basically ran in the dark parking lot to my car. Quickly looked in to make sure no one was hiding in the backseat.

My brain is exhausted....

LOL, Book! I will have to google Funafuti and Suva.

break the habit...talk about your joys....Book, I love that...I am trying to do that as well.

While I know that a lot of things we cannot control, we can control how we react and respond to them...and I'm going to choose to be happy...This morning Mama is feeling better, and she is resting well and the hospice team said she has returned to all her normal vitals and so this day I am going to be happy and positive..Filling this home with as much love and joy as I can cram in here....Have started doing my holiday cleaning and may even go out and rake a while...it's drizzling rain but I kind of like raking in the rain...I can work out a lot when I'm raking...I know the leaf sucker man is coming soon and I want to get as many of the leaves to the curb as I can....soooo happy for the leaf sucker man...we have composted so many leaves and such I have no real area to do it now....Also some huge oaks and hickories that if I don't have them pruned back are becoming a risk to our home, so that will need to be tended to soon... I hope everyone is having a good morning...Ladee, hope all goes well for you ...Book, thanks again for the reminder...

Hope, it is the perfect time of year for tree trimming!
Book, enjoyed the travel stories..fun-a-what-i??? Maybe we all should resign today, and go to funafuti on vacation.
Glad, I am going to google that too. Never heard of it.