This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
And of course really happy to know you are looking for positives and trying to be grateful.... Like Glad, I am grateful I do not have to be around any of your family..... they wouldn't know what to do with this loud mouthed, get up in your face person who came in to make some changes....
And because I live in the states, this stuff about the male being 'in charge' means nothing to me....I think a bunch of us should plan a commando raid and come and get you..... that way you wouldn't feel guilty for leaving, you are being kidnapped !!!! And let that stubborn old man and your worthless family figure it out..... Just d*mned proud of you sweetie.... just d*mned proud !!!!
no question about that. However you decide to handle this try not to give him much notice. get his case packed and hidden then half an hour before transport arrives, calmly tell him the plans and gather the things he chooses to take with him. No argument, no drama. he won't like it, he may be mad but you are the caregiver and you make the decisions. Your health is the #1 priority if he is to remain at home
Start at the bottom. Check your tyres (tires?). If they're okay, try this experiment on a nice empty straight road: driving slowly (obviously!) and in a straight line, take both hands off the steering wheel: if the car pulls off in one direction, and does it again after you correct it, then you have either a wheel balance or a tracking issue which any fitter can deal with for you inexpensively. Similarly, if the vibration is more noticeable within a certain speed range - say between 30 and 40 mph - that's another clue. Wheel balance problems happen if something distorts or damages a wheel or if tyres haven't been fitted properly. To see what happens, imagine a plate spinning on a pole, and then suppose you put a piece of gum on the rim - the whole thing would spin irregularly. Your wheel ought to be balanced by the fitter every time you have a tire changed, included in the fitting charge, but I'm afraid it's often not done. All they have to do is pop it on a machine that spins it round very fast while the operator corrects any unevenness, but I suppose that's five minutes per tire they can skip if you let them.
Tracking is to do with how the wheels fit on to the axis. When the car is at rest and everything is straight, they should all be neatly parallel. But think of each tire as the car's feet, and if they're even minutely pigeon-toed or splayed, then you'll feel the effect all the way through the steering. I'm sorry to say that the commonest reason for the tracking being "off" is, cough blush, the common feminine habit of going over kerbs instead of always doing proper parallel parking like your driving instructor told you to. Though to balance things up, I should point out that there is also the common masculine habit of driving too fast over speed bumps and the like, and then complaining about them. Tracking is easily corrected, too, and shouldn't cost much to put right.
If the car is bouncing rather than juddering, then it could be a shock absorber. That's not hugely expensive either, which I hope is a comfort. After that you're into bearings and things :( - but rule out the cheap problems first and fingers crossed it'll be one of them.
And like Ladee, I am proud and astounded that you just keep going and going and going. Maybe change your name to Timex.;-)
Book you can leave a note on your bedroom door for eldest sis."Gone joyriding, will be back when Dad has been to the clinic otherwise I will send you a forwarding address or not depends how much fun I am having"
Right I want to tell you a story - it is an excerpt from a comedy programme from someone who has obviously witnessed dementia and could see the frustrations and humour that carers experience
A woman with dementia checks her lottery ticket with her son like she insists on doing every week. They are quite impoverished and despite having a once a week visit from a wealthy brother, who stops for as short a time as he can, he manages all the care alone (Well we know that one don't we). As the son calls out each number his mother onset say her usual NO but shouts yes again and again and yes again. by the time she has shouted Yes for the 4th time he is getting excited. One more number to go and he knows that they will be in for a huge win Millions in fact. With almost bated breath he calls out the next number and sure enough she shouts yes. He nearly faints and starts to imagine the respite he will get and how he will use that time. He thinks of the changes that can happen in their lives because she will be able to afford x y and z now. The new house they can live in, the car the can have. As we all would be he was very excited and then he says where is your lottery ticket Mum? She looks a little bemused and he explains that he will need the ticket to get it verified etc. Oooooh she says I haven't bought one yet but now I know I can get it right I'll get one next week!!!!!!!!
CM – Thanks! I woke up this morning to your tips. I copied/pasted it and messaged it to my niece. Poor thing, she got a message alert 6:00am this morning! It did take me a while to figure out you meant ‘alignment’ for those of us in the US. Oops… I forgot to tell niece that!
Glad, my fave sis is like the Energizer Bunny, too. She can multitask at work – and ends up swamped – doing everyone’s work while they’re slacking off. She’s also OCD…
Veronica, oldest sis tends to view dad as ‘my’ problem. I think I scared her this morning. You see, when dad became obstinate and told me that he’s Not going, I literally lost my temper. Blood pressure, rapid heart beats, etc… And I knew that I cannot continue ‘as is’ if he will not do His part. So, I told my dad lastnight, that he better go. Because if I come home, and find out that he did not go to the clinic, then I’m leaving. I’m going to pack my stuff and move next door. (Oldest bro has 2 empty bedrooms.) And that oldest bro will move in to this house, and you know what he’s going to do with you, don’t you? He will send you to the nursing home. And you KNOW that no one is going to take care of you like I do. …
This morning, on my way out, I told sis that dad says he’s not going. She just looked att me and shrugged. That pissed me off. But I did Not show it – because sis is doing the passive-aggressive thingy with me all these months. Before I got in the rental car, I said, “I told dad that if he doesn’t go to the clinic, I will move out. Because he does not have enough income to cover the house bills,his supplies, the home care nurses and any medical expenses. I refuse to deal with that. The thing is – if I come home and he did not go, then I will Have to go.”
I came home from work today. I asked sis if dad is still determined not to go. She said that he changed his mind. That she had a talk with him – that even her – on our local gov’t medical subsidy – has to go every year to renew her insurance coverage. That she needs to prove that she’s still alive. That’s when dad decided he will go see the doctor.
I had a very similar event happen to Me too a while back, and it was said in sarcacism with a skit, but I left it pass as some People are just plain ignorant.
Brandy, Johnjoe is right. That won't be the last time you will hear that comment. Might as well practice in front of the mirror on what you're going to say. In front of the mirror - so that you can look at the person in the eyes with boldness or firmness. The next time they make a comment like that, ask them if they are willing to provide you a roundtrip transportation there. and some other stuff....
But if you're going to kidnap me, NO helicopters! Too many helicopter crashes. And no private planes. There has been an increase of those crashes, too. Whoever comes to kidnap me, can we stop in Hawaii on the way back to the states? You all can enjoy the white sandy beach, I will do my window shopping....
I'm looking at his paperwork. They put the wrong name. My dad's middle initial is S, the paperwork shows P. The man with the P lives in Augusta, GA. Geez, we don't even live in the states. All of dad's bloodworks are under the P who had Medicare. I sure hope they don't bill all these to P.
He has urinary infection. Doctor recommends Vit.B compley once a day, Vit C 1000mg 2-3 times a day.
UTI, not too surprising. Wonder if you will see some of his behavior issues diminish when taken care of. They certainly prescribed an antibiotic, didn't they?
This will be four years now for Mama and especially the last three, each holiday we figured would be the last. I honestly did not believe she would be here now. She has had such a horrid couple of months. And I'm not sure what keeps her holding on. This morning I was talking to her...she doesn't answer now, just has that sad, lost look on her face...no more smiles, the one yay last week was, I hoped, going to be her being back to a happy state..But this morning, I asked her was there anything else she needed...She nodded "no".....I asked her was she comfortable...she nodded "yes".....I asked her was she happy....she nodded "no"....that broke my heart...Totally bedfast now for two years and the third Christmas...it is killing me emotionally. I love my Mama with everything in me, but honestly, this is not living....she can't move, all she "eats" is ensure....she looks so sad. I don't want her to pass...I don't even know how to say what I am feeling...but I don't understand people wanting people to linger in this state. I don't. If she could be happy, that's one thing...Even I can see she is so unhappy. How on earth do you word something that doesn't sound positively horrible???
I want Mama to be happy. I want her to be home.....I have told her many many times, we are ok...we are family...I am grateful for having such a happy life and yall have been the most wonderful parents in the world and me and (brother) want you to be happy...so if you want to go home to Daddy, know that we are ok...we will miss you but we are ok...
I can't do anything else now but the day to day routine of just making sure she is comfortable and she feels loved and try to remember she will go when she is called...
I guess one reason it is hitting me harder this morning is my cousin, the one who has hinted at coming this Christmas again and I'm pretty sure was hinting to come yesterday that she was so happy that SIL came this weekend and that now I could get to enjoy such a wonderful Christmas....... WTH????? What is wonderful about seeing the one person whom you love more than life itself lying in almost a vegetative state. This is torture to me....God forgive me but it is. I have heard people say things like this all my life and I thought they were horrible hateful people...and now I find myself being one of them....I know I don't want to live like this...she is just here...and that's all you can say....sorry, didn't mean to interject dreariness...I am thankful Mama got ot see my SIL return...and for that moment in time we were together again, in this home..Mama's home...I may regret writing this post....it is not that I mind caring for her...I would care for her until the day I died if she could be happy...but there is little about her that bears even the slightest resemblance of happiness....
And I also don't really care for someone telling me they are coming today and then not hear one peep back from them...until they pop in...to me it's as though they are saying..it's ok, I know you are a captive audience so whenever I get there to check the box off by your name for the pre holiday "visit"...that's all that matters...
It is a very hard place for you to be..... and don't let the chaplan in if you don't want to be bothered.... the one Hospice had for E was so rude, always in a hurry, I finally told him not to come back.... if it doesn't bring you and your mom comfort right now... no matter who or what it is... then just say no....
You only have to do what you want and need to do right now.... If people don't understand, then good, you don't need unconscious people around right now...
Prayers for you and mom.... none of this is easy....and it's so sad... but know we are sad with you... you are not alone.... not in spirit..... sending you gentle hugs and shoulder to cry on....