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Book, I promise we would take care of you and teach you what to look out for.... not every city or town is fraught with gangs and robbers on every corner..... Like I said, you can visit everyone and decide where you want to live....

And Ms. V..... Nix the submarine... I want to be there to help 'kidnap' her, but no way are you getting me shut up in something underwater.... that would be a NOPE !!!

And remember, this is a 'kidnapping', she will have to go with us, we will medicate her until we get to the states, doesn't matter how we get her here..... we will let her settle down from sensory overload and then the party begins..... she will have rashes and pains and aches and her sinuses will be bothering her.... her back will hurt and we will introduce her to a 'spa day'..... That poor girl will be so 'taken care of', she will feel like we are smothering her..... !!!!
We are still in the planning stages Book, so hold on.... get your purses packed, we will figure out how to ship them when we get there !!! love ya Book, bigger than the sky !!!!
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I am feeling so sad today I am almost physically ill. I also didn't get enough sleep last night so I know that is not helping matters....I started back on my BP meds and if I had to get up once I got up almost twice an hour...I've never had them do me that way..and I'm not one of those who can go right back to sleep. I start thinking of things and right now those things are not that pleasant. I have been feeling fairly strong..and I am not today..And I am angry that I am not but it is what it is...Thanks Veronica and Ladee...I appreciate the prayers...and concern.we need that now...especially now....Thank God things are ok with my brother and SIL..I sure hope that stays that way. And as crazy as this puppy makes me I'm pretty glad to have her...she seems to know I need her and she is not letting me out of her sight....sweet pup....maybe I just need to get out and breathe some sunshine and air...I'm afraid to leave her at all....but she seems to be sleeping and breathing ok..and I guess I"m telling myself that if I am meant to be here then I will be.....maybe I just need a nap...I don't know what I am saying....
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Maybe a nap Hope.... hyper vigilance is making you exhausted.... get some fresh air.... have on your favorite comfy clothes and a nap sounds in order.... nothing else you can do..... so get some rest.
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Hope, I hated that waiting stage. Your poor mom, just lying there unhappy. You're so strong. I guess you have to be since it's just you there for your mom. Too bad the relatives don't really care enough to want to help you and mom. But show superficial interest..like the holiday comments. That's similar to mom's siblings who would drop by but didn't really do much... The minute my capable older sister from Colorado arrived, I dropped mom on her lap and fled the death watch. I'm so sorry that you and your mom are going through this. {{{Hugs}}}
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Woke up with a terrible headache. Sinus allergy really bad. Whole face is painful. Right face is stuffed. Right Ear is ringing nonstop. ...
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Facial massage, neck exercises with deep breathing in and out by mouth, and a few large gulps of water cleared the stuffed face. Now my right ear is definitely clogged. Running late this morning...
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Really enjoying the references to kidnapping your friends.
Used to do this on a regular basis, for real. It was expensive because they never had time to grab their money on the way out.
Guideline: Do not let them know when you are coming.
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Hope...i am not where you are yet, probably a few years to go before mom passes, maybe more. I also wish your mom could go 'home' ... its so senseless for them to linger in that state. I try not to ask why God doesnt take them??..i know theres no answer for us and does no good to wonder. Such a helpless situation and i wish we could all be there to give you comfort in person...please know that we are with you in our hearts and are thinking of you often. We all understand the pain and all have either been through it or will go through it at some point. Sending love and hugs to you.
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Hope, very difficult transition you are going through. You should get out and walk, even if just half way down the block and back. And the pup, will love it.

Ladee, I am with you, no underwater vessels for me. That old JFK sub story has stayed with me for many years. Never going there. But I would do a helicopter again. Once had a public affairs time (shoot what do you call it?) ride in the flight for life, that was fun, but very noisy. Though way too many helicopters have been crashing lately!
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Hope, have you showered/bathed in the last 24 hours? That will help you.
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Hope I wish I could hug you both...

You've done good girl! You're Mom is proud.. All you can do is exactly what you are doing... Keep loving her...
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Glad, like I said NO helicopters. Too many crashes from the military helicopters, the Life Flight copters, and the tourist helicopters. Way too many crashes. Nope, not interested in riding one.

I got good news. Yesterday was my last day for the car rental. 6 days for car rental of the Corolla of $434.69. Because today was half day at work, I called the car rental on Monday to extend the rental for one more day - return on Wednesday. That will make it exactly 7 days (whereas yesterday would by 6 days.) No problem extending it. So, this morning, the auto shop called me and said he has good news. My car is ready! What? How? I thought it would take about 15 days for the ordered parts to come in? He said that they just got a new shipment and ... they actually have the coil packs for my car AND since they didn't have to 'special order' it, I don't have to pay the air freight cost of $162.78! So, the estimated car repair went from $951.88 to $789.10 (this includes their $89 diagnostic fee).

AND... I when I returned the car rental, which originally was $434.69 for 6 days... I paid $457.14 for 7 days. Whew! I was worried it would go over $500.00. It's the Collission Damage insurance that raises the price. If I rented the car without the CDW, I would have paid only $270.00 for 7 days....
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By the way, Veronica, I've ridden a fast moving boat when I went to Cairns, Australia. It was a tour to the Great Barrier Reef. I've been on a boat only twice in my whole life. In elementary, we had a field trip on the glass bottom boat. You sit and look down on the glass floor to see the ocean beneath. The 2nd one was in Hong Kong, a small boat tour around the basin looking at how these locals small boathomes. Houseboats? Really small, poor locals. The ocean water in the inlet was black. So, the boat to the Barrier Reef was fast. Waves flying at the sides, and me so seasick, I couldn't move at all. I have vertigo problem. Every time I tried to look up to see the view, I got so queasy. I spent the whole hour with my head down, reading my book. (Yes, when I go on tours, I make sure to bring at least 2 paperbacks with me.) I needed to pee so badly because the waves spray were wetting me, and I could not move at all. I tried to get away from sprays by standing up - and couldn't. So, there was this woman lying down getting a suntan with her eyes closed. I said, "Excuse me. I cannot stand up. Queasy. Can I crawl over you to get to the other side?" She said yes. Heck, I would have been embarrassed- normally. But, I was so miserable, forget about pride! I literally crawled right over her and crawled as much to the middle of the boat as I can. I think it was an hour ride. Sure felt like it! Learned my lesson. On the return ride, I went down inside the cabin where they had entertainment. Actually, I handled it much better inside the cabin than I did outside. The reason I stayed topside was because the boat guide said that for those who suffer with seasickness, it's best to stay topside. Ha! Now I know why she said that. It's better for the person to throw up on the deck than inside the cabin with all the other guests are!
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Book, great car news all the way around!

And if you had a hard time on a fast moving boat, do not ever ride a slow moving boat. I once took an auto ferry from Amsterdam to London somewhere thereabouts. It was an overcast day, ferrys usually move quite slowly, I have never been so sick in my life. Won't do that ever again!
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Veronica, Ladee, Book, Send, Cwillie, Assandache, Glad, SherylBeth...thanks all for your hugs, comments, suggestions and prayers....I got a better night's sleep so that helps...Send, sometimes I think bathing is about all I do for myself these days...that tub full of hot water is about all that feels soothing these days....so I do that pretty often, and it does certainly help refresh your spirit too.

Just been thinking all morning of all the Thanksgivings long ago and knowing they are forever gone....I guess we can be thankful when we have the good memories though...that's a blessing in and of itself....and I know that...it's just hard to see Mama this way and remember all that right now...

Hospice has come and gone and I put in a definite word that we do NOT want a visit from the chaplain. I made sure they knew he did not come nor did he call to let me know he wasn't coming...they know that is probably the one major gripe I have with people in general...and I don't mean to hurt folks feelings...but dang it...I feel invisible enough and forgotten enough that I don't need or want folks who ought to know better being inconsiderate...

That's one thing if I ran a senior care center or Hospice provider service that I would make dang sure my staff knew...make SURE you do not make the caregivers feel ignored or neglected or slighted...There are a lot of things that are petty gripes and I know that as well...but to me, the common courtesy stuff should always be a priority...As it turns out, he got detained at someone's home who wanted him there...and that is absolutely fine...no problem....but at least let folks know you are unable to come...am I the only one who gets so aggravated by this? That was one thing if I ever had anything drilled into me it was being courteous to folks and if you're not going to be somewhere on time, let them know....

Oops, my power is running out so I guess I'm going to fire up the leaf blower and give it a go...I hope it is as powerful as the guy said it was....I am at least anxious to try it out...

Thank you all again and I guess after recharging my battery all I can do is what I am doing. I did have a talk with Mama this morning and again tried to let her know I am here for her as long as she needs me...I'm not going anywhere and we're going to make it together.....as I mentioned on another thread..that may be what she is planning as well.... have a good morning folks...thanks again...
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Well, I have to say it's a mixed bag. I began developing signs of caregiver burnout a few months back, so I've taken a step back from micromanaging mom's care and let the assisted living facility do what they do. Mom has not reacted well to this, and dumps on other family members that I am tired of her, she hates where she lives, etc. etc. The other family members so far have done nothing but talk, and have neither lifted a finger to help, nor even offered a single word of support. I met with my brother over the phone with a caregiver support person as a go between, and instead of opening up a dialogue with me, they continue to dump it on Mom, who then calls me up in near hysterics. I am trying to maintain my own emotional equilibrium about it, but it is hard. Any advice?
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Ribbman, if you could, please share a little more about what you were 'micromanaging' that has mom so upset..... that would help us to help you.... and welcome to AC..... if we can help, we will share our own experiences.... so hope we hear from you again.... hugs to your for just being a caregiver.. All caregivers need hugs...
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Hi, thanks for responding! My mom was in an independent living community, and had a series of falls that resulted in ER visits, and her vitals began to destabilize because she wasn't eating right and taking her meds on time. I would call her multiple times during the day to remind her to eat and take meds, and make several trips (I live an hour away) weekly to make sure she had groceries, etc.

I tried hiring people to come in and help, but she fired them as quickly as I hired them. I set up grocery deliveries from a local market, and started up meals on wheels to help her with eating, but she terminated those as well.

Her condition worsened and the dementia increased to the point where entering assisted living was mandatory. It's been a little over six months now, and I'm letting the staff take over her daily care and coming to visit once a week or so. Believe me, managing her finances, health insurance, and her medical care takes up plenty of time and energy!

It would be unfair to say that she didn't resent my "management" of her life, but she hates the fact that I've turned over most of her daily care to the AL staff and complains ceaselessly, sometimes violently, about it. I guess I'm having trouble defining boundaries; I don't know how much personal involvement in her daily care is right, and how to handle her objections to living in the facility. My finances and relationship with my wife are starting to suffer, so I have to maintain a better balance between caregiving and living my life, and I struggle with that.
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Ribbman, most of us here struggle with balance.. you have very legitimate concerns... others will come on and comment and share their own experiences... so maybe out of all of it, you will get what you need.
I am gathering that you mom has dementia, so her not wanting to be in placement is normal.... her firing all the help you got her is normal. She apparently is being well taken care of or you would not have relinquished some of your responsibility....with that being said, you deserve to have a life. If your marriage is starting to suffer, then you have yourself stretched way to thin, trying to please everyone... most caregivers will identify with that too....
Has your mom always been a complainer??? The reason I ask, is because this is one of the ways they keep us on the merry go round.... even if you brought her home with you, quit your job, divorced your wife, she would not be happy... am I right??
One suggestion is to get her to a Dr , have a good physical done... making sure she is healthy, no UTI(urinary tract infection), or any other health issues.... then you may talk with the Dr about medications....
What does the facility have to say about her behaviour... does she only do this when you are other family members are there, or is she hell on wheels all the time???
Will stop there , until we know more about her history, we could make suggestions until the cows come home and none of it may apply... so let us know how she has been in her life... and have you always been 'taking care' of things for her... sorry, we just need more info, not to be nosey, but to have the information to help you.... I hope we can help you .... just a little more info please. thanks
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Ribbman, you have taken all the right steps to keep mom safe, now you need to let the resources you have put in placework. Its not easy at first but will get better the more you relax and let them handle things. Dont lose your wife over your mom. We have a responsibility to our parents but that only goes so far. You set the limits and stay within them. When someone has dementia they will often lash out at those closest to them. Thats just par for the course. Moms in a good place, keep telling yourself that and dont allow her to control you any more than you would let your kids control you. There is a lot of wonderful info here so read read read and you will begin to understand. Big hugs to you and mom this journey is a tough one but you are not on it alone.
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Ribbman, you're doing the best that you can. Your mom is deteriorating and can no longer determine what is good for her and not you or the facility. She will continue to worsen. I agree about hopping around this site, search on the top right box, on others who had to put a parent in the facility and the advice given. This will help you know if you're doing way too much, or if you need to hire a 'errand' person to come and do the 'chores', etc... Still visit her but if you need to put up boundaries - so be it.

I've had and still do have one of my terrible headache today. I should not have skipped breakfast to go straight to Macy's shopping. Fave sis likes to beat the crowd. I was shopping on an empty 'gas tank.' Not good, and I knew it. I should have insisted we do the drive through at McD and just grab a small sandwich. Sis went crazy over buying clothes/toys/accessories for her grands. We used my Macy's card (which we mainly use for these end-of-the-year specials yearly). Not bad this year, she spent $708.00 today. Last year, we almost maxed up the card by $30.00. I don't even know what's the max limit. I'm sure she will want to go again when Macys goes to their xmas specials.... We will see. Sis did pay for some of the items I wanted - $101.00. Good thing I'm frugal because she kept urging me to get more stuff. I bought 'necessities' and the only thing I splurged on was the Polaroid Earbuds that was $20.00 and is now on sale for $7.99. Hot pink. I couldn't find purple. I hope it works well with the kindle or the iPad.
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Dad. His catheter is bending because he's scratching a lot. This is like the 3rd time I found it bent - which would prevent the urine from flowing to the bag. Maybe that's why he's started bleeding blood in his urine. Dark bright red urine. I can't stand blood. This morning, I almost panicked when I opened his pamper, and saw bloody urine on it. It was just this morning while changing his pamper, that he started peeing blood. I have a feeling it's that bent catheter tube. Tonight, I will tape the top and bottom and hope he doesn't scratch and bend the tubing.

Bro went in with dad at the clinic. Sis did give the doctor my notes on dad. Because dad is now choking with whole body shaking when he drinks water and other food, the doc has recommended no more water. To give him thicker fluids. I will need to do a search later on - on the top right for tips. I recall reading this before so I know I fill find some tips. Doc recommends doing those shakes. Good thing I used my certificate to 'buy' me a Bullet. I never used it yet. Just like the humidifier....
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Oh book sorry for all the trouble today.Hope its only the tube and not a UTI. The bullet will become your favorite kitchen toy if you have to make smoothies for dad. Its fast and so much easier to clean than a big blender. If dad can have banannas they should help thicken up drinks, but be careful to many will cause constipation. The bullet should have some recipes in the booklet. Hope you both feel better.

Well monday I have to go to dentist again, have an abcess on tooth, been on antibios for a week. I am not sure I make the right decision to let her do root canal, maybe i should just pull it an be done...any thoughts? I HATE going to the dentist.
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ramiller i would say go with the root canal unpleasant as those are and save the tooth.
Book why is dad scratching? Do you know? call Dr and ask for some soothing cream or buy something OTC. Gold Bond is good. I know you havt visiting that area of dad's anatomy but make sure you wash and dry him thoroughly at every pamper change.
As for the eating and drinking. That is going to be difficult. I guarantee he will hate the thickened liquids. ( I threatened to throw mine out the door if they brought them again for the next meal) while I was in the hospital. i was not the most co-operative of patients. But I asked for butter and got margarine, milk and got 1%,salt and got pepper, a roast beef sandwich and got slices of roast beef between naked slices of bread.half and half for my coffee and got some chemical creamer, ginger ale and was offered diet!!! The list goes on. I was told I was on a mechanical cardiac diet. Well I can understand that but I am not diabetic so why couldn't I have sugar. One morning I ordered one small pancake for breakfast. It arrived ripped into shreds. It was so dry I couldn't have eaten it anyway but seeing it torn up as though it was ready for the animals finished me. In the end hubby brought in a tiny travel fridge and my favorite (flavored) yogurt, full cream milk and acquired packets of salt and sugar from the cafeteria. The nurses also had access to these forbidden goodies and were quite happy to assist me in my illegal activities as long as I did not tell anyone where I got the stuff. I had them make me hot chocolate with 2 half and halfs and 3 extra sugars. One of my diagnosis was malnutrition so one would have thought that anything that encouraged me to eat would be a plus. The rules had to be followed. All I can say is don't ask a patient if she want's to be a DNR one day then offer her food she can't or won't eat. When I got home the home care nurse wanted to bring in the Palliative Care team so I could learn what they had to offer and not have to go to the Dr so often. Er NO I was a hospice nurse for ten years and I already know pretty much what there is to know about palliative care. Hey i was even certified in it!
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Thanks Veronica, hope you are doing better now.
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Ramiller, so far I haven't needed a root canal. One tooth needed it, about over 20 years ago. The dentist described the procedure and the cost was too much for a part time worker on minimum wage. So he put a crown and told me that if this tooth still is causing me problem, the next step is a root canal. I took very very good care of that by not chewing hard, crunchy food on the right side of my mouth. This dentist retired. My current dentist...sigh.. I need to keep going back to 'adjust' his work with the other 3 crowns.

My sister had root canals since she had dental coverage. One root canal broke (front teeth) and she to repair it. So the next 2 back tooth that needed a root canal, she chose to have it pulled out. Well, when she smiles widely with joy, you can see the empty space. She said that her teeth are going crooked because of empty space between her teeth.
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Book, can you check to see if he pulled the catheter out of place? If you are not trained or proficient to insert or change out the catheter, the E.R. will do it for you.
Just checking, you know about measuring intake and output?
Blood is not a good sign, an E.R. visit could be imminent. You can call them and ask for the nurse.
I apologize, not doubting your care of Dad, just checking since I am not familiar with your Dad's needs, and you have had sinus issues?
Hope you are okay!
Is the kidnapping of the caregiver off the table? Or was that someone else?
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Veronica, thanks for the heads up about the thick fluid. I will need to see which food causes choking...corn, ... The itchiness is all over him. It's gotten worse because he's dehydrated and won't drink water. Fruit juice, Ensure, Boost is too sweet, etc... His face has major skin peeling. I know when he went to the clinic, his face was peeling. I usually put lotion on his face in the morning. When I come home from work, his shirt is covered with shedded skin. But the itchiness, he had for years now. I'm able to dramatically cut back on his herbal supplements which I think is the main culprit... And not drinking enough fluid. Thanks!

It's good to know that others helped provide alternate sustenance when it's obvious you weren't going to eat what was 'good for you ' and not what would just help put nutrients in you. I'm glad you're such a fighter! {Hugs}
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Hey, Veronica! Did not see your post before I had the concerns about the blood in urine. You take such good care of Bookluvr!
So happy to see you active here, and if you don't mind, will still be praying for your speedy return to health.
Liking the 'when I was in the hospital' stories. Keep sharing.
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Someone else. I would never participate in my own kidnapping. Then I'd be guilty of complicity. Conflict of interest.
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