This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
And Ms. V..... Nix the submarine... I want to be there to help 'kidnap' her, but no way are you getting me shut up in something underwater.... that would be a NOPE !!!
And remember, this is a 'kidnapping', she will have to go with us, we will medicate her until we get to the states, doesn't matter how we get her here..... we will let her settle down from sensory overload and then the party begins..... she will have rashes and pains and aches and her sinuses will be bothering her.... her back will hurt and we will introduce her to a 'spa day'..... That poor girl will be so 'taken care of', she will feel like we are smothering her..... !!!!
We are still in the planning stages Book, so hold on.... get your purses packed, we will figure out how to ship them when we get there !!! love ya Book, bigger than the sky !!!!
Used to do this on a regular basis, for real. It was expensive because they never had time to grab their money on the way out.
Guideline: Do not let them know when you are coming.
Ladee, I am with you, no underwater vessels for me. That old JFK sub story has stayed with me for many years. Never going there. But I would do a helicopter again. Once had a public affairs time (shoot what do you call it?) ride in the flight for life, that was fun, but very noisy. Though way too many helicopters have been crashing lately!
You've done good girl! You're Mom is proud.. All you can do is exactly what you are doing... Keep loving her...
I got good news. Yesterday was my last day for the car rental. 6 days for car rental of the Corolla of $434.69. Because today was half day at work, I called the car rental on Monday to extend the rental for one more day - return on Wednesday. That will make it exactly 7 days (whereas yesterday would by 6 days.) No problem extending it. So, this morning, the auto shop called me and said he has good news. My car is ready! What? How? I thought it would take about 15 days for the ordered parts to come in? He said that they just got a new shipment and ... they actually have the coil packs for my car AND since they didn't have to 'special order' it, I don't have to pay the air freight cost of $162.78! So, the estimated car repair went from $951.88 to $789.10 (this includes their $89 diagnostic fee).
AND... I when I returned the car rental, which originally was $434.69 for 6 days... I paid $457.14 for 7 days. Whew! I was worried it would go over $500.00. It's the Collission Damage insurance that raises the price. If I rented the car without the CDW, I would have paid only $270.00 for 7 days....
And if you had a hard time on a fast moving boat, do not ever ride a slow moving boat. I once took an auto ferry from Amsterdam to London somewhere thereabouts. It was an overcast day, ferrys usually move quite slowly, I have never been so sick in my life. Won't do that ever again!
Just been thinking all morning of all the Thanksgivings long ago and knowing they are forever gone....I guess we can be thankful when we have the good memories though...that's a blessing in and of itself....and I know that...it's just hard to see Mama this way and remember all that right now...
Hospice has come and gone and I put in a definite word that we do NOT want a visit from the chaplain. I made sure they knew he did not come nor did he call to let me know he wasn't coming...they know that is probably the one major gripe I have with people in general...and I don't mean to hurt folks feelings...but dang it...I feel invisible enough and forgotten enough that I don't need or want folks who ought to know better being inconsiderate...
That's one thing if I ran a senior care center or Hospice provider service that I would make dang sure my staff knew...make SURE you do not make the caregivers feel ignored or neglected or slighted...There are a lot of things that are petty gripes and I know that as well...but to me, the common courtesy stuff should always be a priority...As it turns out, he got detained at someone's home who wanted him there...and that is absolutely fine...no problem....but at least let folks know you are unable to come...am I the only one who gets so aggravated by this? That was one thing if I ever had anything drilled into me it was being courteous to folks and if you're not going to be somewhere on time, let them know....
Oops, my power is running out so I guess I'm going to fire up the leaf blower and give it a go...I hope it is as powerful as the guy said it was....I am at least anxious to try it out...
Thank you all again and I guess after recharging my battery all I can do is what I am doing. I did have a talk with Mama this morning and again tried to let her know I am here for her as long as she needs me...I'm not going anywhere and we're going to make it together.....as I mentioned on another thread..that may be what she is planning as well.... have a good morning folks...thanks again...
I tried hiring people to come in and help, but she fired them as quickly as I hired them. I set up grocery deliveries from a local market, and started up meals on wheels to help her with eating, but she terminated those as well.
Her condition worsened and the dementia increased to the point where entering assisted living was mandatory. It's been a little over six months now, and I'm letting the staff take over her daily care and coming to visit once a week or so. Believe me, managing her finances, health insurance, and her medical care takes up plenty of time and energy!
It would be unfair to say that she didn't resent my "management" of her life, but she hates the fact that I've turned over most of her daily care to the AL staff and complains ceaselessly, sometimes violently, about it. I guess I'm having trouble defining boundaries; I don't know how much personal involvement in her daily care is right, and how to handle her objections to living in the facility. My finances and relationship with my wife are starting to suffer, so I have to maintain a better balance between caregiving and living my life, and I struggle with that.
I am gathering that you mom has dementia, so her not wanting to be in placement is normal.... her firing all the help you got her is normal. She apparently is being well taken care of or you would not have relinquished some of your responsibility....with that being said, you deserve to have a life. If your marriage is starting to suffer, then you have yourself stretched way to thin, trying to please everyone... most caregivers will identify with that too....
Has your mom always been a complainer??? The reason I ask, is because this is one of the ways they keep us on the merry go round.... even if you brought her home with you, quit your job, divorced your wife, she would not be happy... am I right??
One suggestion is to get her to a Dr , have a good physical done... making sure she is healthy, no UTI(urinary tract infection), or any other health issues.... then you may talk with the Dr about medications....
What does the facility have to say about her behaviour... does she only do this when you are other family members are there, or is she hell on wheels all the time???
Will stop there , until we know more about her history, we could make suggestions until the cows come home and none of it may apply... so let us know how she has been in her life... and have you always been 'taking care' of things for her... sorry, we just need more info, not to be nosey, but to have the information to help you.... I hope we can help you .... just a little more info please. thanks
I've had and still do have one of my terrible headache today. I should not have skipped breakfast to go straight to Macy's shopping. Fave sis likes to beat the crowd. I was shopping on an empty 'gas tank.' Not good, and I knew it. I should have insisted we do the drive through at McD and just grab a small sandwich. Sis went crazy over buying clothes/toys/accessories for her grands. We used my Macy's card (which we mainly use for these end-of-the-year specials yearly). Not bad this year, she spent $708.00 today. Last year, we almost maxed up the card by $30.00. I don't even know what's the max limit. I'm sure she will want to go again when Macys goes to their xmas specials.... We will see. Sis did pay for some of the items I wanted - $101.00. Good thing I'm frugal because she kept urging me to get more stuff. I bought 'necessities' and the only thing I splurged on was the Polaroid Earbuds that was $20.00 and is now on sale for $7.99. Hot pink. I couldn't find purple. I hope it works well with the kindle or the iPad.
Bro went in with dad at the clinic. Sis did give the doctor my notes on dad. Because dad is now choking with whole body shaking when he drinks water and other food, the doc has recommended no more water. To give him thicker fluids. I will need to do a search later on - on the top right for tips. I recall reading this before so I know I fill find some tips. Doc recommends doing those shakes. Good thing I used my certificate to 'buy' me a Bullet. I never used it yet. Just like the humidifier....
Well monday I have to go to dentist again, have an abcess on tooth, been on antibios for a week. I am not sure I make the right decision to let her do root canal, maybe i should just pull it an be done...any thoughts? I HATE going to the dentist.
Book why is dad scratching? Do you know? call Dr and ask for some soothing cream or buy something OTC. Gold Bond is good. I know you havt visiting that area of dad's anatomy but make sure you wash and dry him thoroughly at every pamper change.
As for the eating and drinking. That is going to be difficult. I guarantee he will hate the thickened liquids. ( I threatened to throw mine out the door if they brought them again for the next meal) while I was in the hospital. i was not the most co-operative of patients. But I asked for butter and got margarine, milk and got 1%,salt and got pepper, a roast beef sandwich and got slices of roast beef between naked slices of bread.half and half for my coffee and got some chemical creamer, ginger ale and was offered diet!!! The list goes on. I was told I was on a mechanical cardiac diet. Well I can understand that but I am not diabetic so why couldn't I have sugar. One morning I ordered one small pancake for breakfast. It arrived ripped into shreds. It was so dry I couldn't have eaten it anyway but seeing it torn up as though it was ready for the animals finished me. In the end hubby brought in a tiny travel fridge and my favorite (flavored) yogurt, full cream milk and acquired packets of salt and sugar from the cafeteria. The nurses also had access to these forbidden goodies and were quite happy to assist me in my illegal activities as long as I did not tell anyone where I got the stuff. I had them make me hot chocolate with 2 half and halfs and 3 extra sugars. One of my diagnosis was malnutrition so one would have thought that anything that encouraged me to eat would be a plus. The rules had to be followed. All I can say is don't ask a patient if she want's to be a DNR one day then offer her food she can't or won't eat. When I got home the home care nurse wanted to bring in the Palliative Care team so I could learn what they had to offer and not have to go to the Dr so often. Er NO I was a hospice nurse for ten years and I already know pretty much what there is to know about palliative care. Hey i was even certified in it!
My sister had root canals since she had dental coverage. One root canal broke (front teeth) and she to repair it. So the next 2 back tooth that needed a root canal, she chose to have it pulled out. Well, when she smiles widely with joy, you can see the empty space. She said that her teeth are going crooked because of empty space between her teeth.
Just checking, you know about measuring intake and output?
Blood is not a good sign, an E.R. visit could be imminent. You can call them and ask for the nurse.
I apologize, not doubting your care of Dad, just checking since I am not familiar with your Dad's needs, and you have had sinus issues?
Hope you are okay!
Is the kidnapping of the caregiver off the table? Or was that someone else?
It's good to know that others helped provide alternate sustenance when it's obvious you weren't going to eat what was 'good for you ' and not what would just help put nutrients in you. I'm glad you're such a fighter! {Hugs}
So happy to see you active here, and if you don't mind, will still be praying for your speedy return to health.
Liking the 'when I was in the hospital' stories. Keep sharing.